This is life (after passing of DH)

[Hisredipad]

I spent a while searching for a post to join in but didn’t find anything like I wanted.

I just want somewhere to pop daily and say things I can’t say IRL.

fell free to join me

today was our big anniversary and im feeling sad he’s not here to celebrate it with but I bought myself something I saw yesterday im sure he would have bought me. Bizarrely opened a drawer just a moment ago and found last year’s anniversary card and the sweet words he’d written.

Happy anniversary DH, xx years were the best ever xxxxx

Hello everyone,
Heartbroken to admit I belong here too. Lost my husband 15 weeks ago; we'd been together for over 30 years. Exactly how it's that long already I have no idea! I feel like I've been walking through fog since that day.
Facing the future alone feels so confronting and scary which leaves me doubting I can do it. I don't think I know who I am without him. The 'never again' realisation breaks me each time I think about it.
Reading this thread over the weeks, despite not managing to post until now, has helped me identify some of the feelings I'm having. Thank you all for helping me feel less alone.
Sending love to all and an extra hug for you hisredipad

@Lovedstill I'm so sorry - it's very raw for you. Sending a hug.

@Lovedstill so sorry that this has happened. I hope being with people who understand is somehow helpful, I found this little community such an outlet where I could say whatever I wanted and know it would be understood without judgement.

@Hisredipad that's so shit, I'm sorry. I'm so glad you feel you have a lot to live for 🌺

@frostyfingers special occasions are tricky because it can make the absence more obvious. But belated happy birthday xxx

I've had a weepy week as it's my birthday tomorrow and J's on Monday. But I have a busy weekend planned helping my son and DIL move into their first house and a plan for Monday. And then I have the rest of the week off work.

Take care all xxx

Ah @Hisredipad , I'm so sorry to hear your news. I haven't been on this thread for a week or so and I'm just catching up. I was diagnosed 18 months ago with prostate cancer, so I'm not a million miles away from where you are.

I completely get the anger and frustration, the loneliness and the feeling that it would have been a completely different experience if DH had been here to share the journey with you. I wish you strength.

And a sad but warm welcome to you @Lovedstill

Thank you @Emptyandsad. I hope you’re doing well.

i now know what I am doing so feel a lot calmer

@Lovedstill I hope you are able to draw comfort from those of us here, it’s been my rock on many an occasion xx

@Hisredipad I'm glad that you have a plan now and that it's helping.

I thought that I had made another post at one point, but I don't see it now. I'm pleased that you have your parents to support you.

Out the other side and finally feeling human but am struggling with Christmas decorations and not being able to make decisions about what decorations. to put up.

decided to do things differently as I couldn’t cope with some of our travel souvenir Christmas decorations, too many bitter sweet memories. Maybe next year. Cant drive at the moment so am hugely frustrated about not being able to get out and do things, thought today was Friday and only just realised it’s Saturday 🤦‍♀️

Are you at home or your parents? At home, I'm guessing.

I've no decorations up as yet. Need to try to finish decluttering first. (Mending the greenhouse and fence panels took longer than expected.)

I got all the Christmas cards out and presents sorted - mainly money for cousin's grandchildren and BiL's grandchildren.

I'd more or less got myself into the mood to make the most of Christmas on my own when I found myself being slightly upset by a cousin.

To explain - half Mum's side of the family is neurodivergent, though only the youngsters have proper diagnoses. (I'm unusual, in that I got a diagnosis of OCD when I was in my late 30s.)

I found out fairly recently that this cousin also has OCD - so I understand exactly where he's coming from and why he blurted out what he did.

I'd previously given him a card with money as an engagement present for one of his kids. I'd just given him a card for him and the family and another one for the daughter who has three children. He must've realised that there was money in it for the kids.

He asked what my plans were for Christmas. "Oh, I've ordered a butterfly turkey. I'm going to have a quiet Christmas in front of the telly..."

He got very upset. "I feel so bad that we're not inviting you. We should be, but there's no room at the table..." (All three adult kids have partners.)

I assured him that I LOVE pottering about quietly on Christmas day...but I admit to having a niggling thought of "No room at the table? Really?"

I totally get it - there's no way his wife will want to be lumbered with the expectation of always having the weird cousin round for Christmas. The first year I was on my own, I got an invitation for Boxing Day. Spookily, we all fitted round the table, even though my cousin's brother and Sil were also there. Other years, there were casual comments about Christmas being for immediate family only.

As I said, I totally get it and I was fine with being on my own - this will be my 5th Christmas - but the "no room" comment bugs me a bit.

I feel sorry for my cousin - I reckon he's more neurodivergent than even he realises, hence his need to over-explain. (I'm the same myself. I recognise it!)

More importantly, @Hisredipad, do you have decent painkillers and whatnot? I presume you've to be careful about stretching and whatnot with regard to putting up decorations?

@WearyAuldWumman I’m going to my parents where there is definitely very much room at the table. I think it would actually suit me if there wasn’t this year but potentially in the long run I’d probably be upset too.

Everyone keeps telling me I’ll be fine once I get there. I just hope I am. I’ll find myself getting more and more upset and these past few days. I’m sure a lot of of it to do with the anaesthetic as I’m not really good with that.

DD came with the youngest grandchild and looked after me which was fabulous, but I was actually quite glad to have some time on my own to be able to eat and drink nap and do absolutely nothing

Bizarrely, I actually did a little bit of my hobby last night and I thoroughly enjoyed myself I held back somewhat because I don’t want to stress my arm too much but I’m have regular exercises I need to do to keep it all supple.

I just find it all really hard, but I’m not totally in command of my own life when I’m a very independent person and also that my feelings of grief peak and dip without any rhyme or reason as to why they flare themselves.

I hope you all manage a peaceful Christmas this year and that ongoing into 2026 you can find some comfort with your loved ones being a peace. I think part of the hardest part of my life at the moment is that this time last year DH had been through the most awful pain and was really unwell and there was nothing I could do to help really other than make him as comfortable as I could and just be there which was punishing on my own self. I think it’s taking me this long to actually come out of that toll on my body.

Anaesthetic can certainly have weird effects on people. I'm glad that you were able to do your hobby.

Yes, I have particular memories of what it was like for my husband at this time of year too.

When I was invited out the first Boxing Day, I did find myself welling up a lot but I was very glad that I had gone - it was good to be around family. I hope that you and your parents have a good day together.

My late wife's sister in law has just been killed in a road accident. She was a lovely woman and very close to my DW and I'm really struggling. I feel so sad for my DW's brother and their (now adult) children - and it's so close to the 5th anniversary of her death. Its all come flooding back. How powerless you feel, how unreal it seems

Oh that's just awful, I'm so so sorry. Your poor family xxx

@Emptyandsad I'm so sorry.

@Emptyandsad so very sorry to hear of such a tragic loss for your family.

the triggers are just so hard aren’t they, often unrelated and not seen coming.

I hope you have some distractions in the next few days to lift your spirits. I’ve had an unexpected visitor who just piled in with ‘ive come to stay, no saying no’, so the dishwashers on, ive a cuppa I’ve not made in my hand, and they are upstairs hunting sheets for the spare bed.

personally feeling quite odd and tired but so grateful someone knows me well enough to ignore my excuses. Ive made a wreath from garden plants, holly and ivy and we are going to pop it on DH’s grave in the morning.

i hope you all find manage to find some peace this Christmas xxxx

I’m so sorry to hear such sad news @Emptyandsad. I’m sure you’re feeling for your late wife too.
@Hisredipad I’m glad that you have company.
I’m feeling very sorry for myself this evening. But I know we’re all in the same boat. Sending you all support to get through this.

Thanks all.

I went up to the crem on Sunday with Christmas pots for the memorials. Should have been up more than week ago for Dad's birthday, but the weather was bad and I'm a bit scared of the road. It's not a bad road, but people race and cause accidents - was rear-ended there Christmas Eve 4 yrs ago.

On 19th - family saint day - intended to go, but I swear I heard a voice telling me not to go. Eventually went on the Sunday. No problems.

Got home to find a FB post from Police Scotland asking for witnesses to a fatal accident on that road on the 19th. (Neighbours are saying a drunk driver caused it - two fatalities. )

Probably just a coincidence, but it made me think.

My husband died unexpectedly in January this year, so it’s coming up for a year: a nightmare year where I’ve fantasised about my own death every single day.

In many ways, I’ve found winter a bit easier, because there’s less pressure to ‘be outside’ socialising and Doing Things. It feels more acceptable to retreat inside and be cosy (by ‘cosy’, this actually means being sad and unhappy, but in the comfort of home).

It feels I have a mountain to climb in getting over this. And the truth is that I haven’t got the motivation or stamina now, at 52, to rebuild. I know very well - objectively, factually - that life will never be as good again. We were together for 16 years, which isn’t as long as many on this thread, but still such a big chunk of life.

Sending love and strength to everyone who is bereaved. There is no agony like it.

Thinking of you @iseethembloom. It was New Year Bank Holiday weekend '21 for me. Sending hugs.

Thank you so much xxx ❤️💔❤️‍🩹

@iseethembloom , thinking of you, early Jan for me marks the first year, I’m looking towards Easter as my goal, hopefully probate will be completed, hopefully I’ll be over whatever may be happening next health wise, hopefully I’ll get away with hobby friends and hopefully we will do my last birthday outing before my next birthday arrives.
DH was older than me so always expected to be alone perhaps one day but hadn’t quite expected it now, was thinking a good more twenty years. All his family lived into their nineties, feel so cheated by that.
Parents live close to hospital DH was is over Christmas last year, must remember to drive in from other direction tomorrow as caused myself a huge grief moment going there this afternoon.
I’ve fashioned a huge floral arrangement from garden foliage and a nice bunch of chrysanthemums which im going to pop on the grave tomorrow before heading off for the festive dinner I have no wish to participate in and that Ive decided I can’t be awful enough to leave parents to it. DM got an earful this afternoon as asked stupid question, keeps going on and on about knowing what’s it’s like, No You Don’t Mother, and neither will you unless you’re the one left.
I’ve definitely lost my fuse, won’t be suffering fools and a little apprehensive about losing my rag tomorrow and DBro is an insensitive oaf who comes out with the most insensitive comments.

im leaving a ready meal in the fridge, along with a bottle of fizz, a tub of chocolates in case I need fortification from a great escape.

This is so bloody hard isn’t it? Last weekend I did all the things that my DH had organised for my birthday, whilst I am glad I went it just brought back the reality of my life as it is. I have locked down now, with no wish to hear, see or say anything Christmas related. We are having just “us” for lunch today, with a few token presents but even so I am not sure how we will cope.

Thinking of everyone today who is in the same boat, another day to be endured in this shitty new life.

Yes, I know how this feels my inlaw lost a relative and it bought it all back and it wasn’t someone close to me like your sil. I don’t think it’s worse if it’s unexpected or expected loss is loss.

I feel especially wretched today. Been crying on and off for most of it. I hope everyone is doing better.

I'm sorry, @iseethembloom .

Not been a great few days for me - was glad to get Christmas day over. Think I'd have been okay had not been for my relative's apologetic comment about not being at his.

Have fed well - not too overboard, but I broke my diet. Finally took the photographs of the adult stepchildren and step-grandchild off the wall and packed them up.

Shall send them to the stepkids after New Year. Didn't want them thinking it was a Christmas present. They haven't spoken to me for 5 yrs. I don't completely blame them - I've never admitted the full horror of what I did to Mumsnet. If I ever did, I'd be utterly slated (and quite rightly so).

All I'm saying is don't post on social media when you're bereft and have been prescribed Diazepam and Zoplicone...And always check your settings. nods. Also, the written word doesn't always convey the same nuances as the spoken.

Five minutes of visibility is all it takes.

Funny thing that happened yesterday...

Neighbour came to my door worried. Her phone had gone with my number and she'd heard someone sobbing so was worried.

The reality: I'd been clanging a hammer onto some of those temporary metal fencing posts you get, whilst singing "If I had a haaaammmmmer...I'd hammer in the mooooooooorning...."

As I've said elsewhere, I guess my singing must be worse than I thought!