This is life (after passing of DH)

[Hisredipad]

I spent a while searching for a post to join in but didn’t find anything like I wanted.

I just want somewhere to pop daily and say things I can’t say IRL.

fell free to join me

today was our big anniversary and im feeling sad he’s not here to celebrate it with but I bought myself something I saw yesterday im sure he would have bought me. Bizarrely opened a drawer just a moment ago and found last year’s anniversary card and the sweet words he’d written.

Happy anniversary DH, xx years were the best ever xxxxx

The school reunion feels to me to be worthy of a Victoria Cross for bravery beyond the call of duty.

Nearly didn't go because one of the school bullies contacted me, insisting that she had to apologise...Found out that two other girls didn't go for that reason and that she'd contacted others.

She waylaid me while I was heading to the loo: "I apologise for anything that I did."

I just replied "Okay," and she muttered something that indicated that she was satisfied before walking away. Weird.

Three other members of the same gang were there and being ignored by most folk. This included the non-identical twins who now look even less identical: one of them has had a bad face lift and a nose job. (I'd honestly say that she didn't need a nose job.) The third one - the non-twin - came up to me and looked at me expectantly. I knew the name, but she was unercognisable.

It was lovely to see some people - including three of my teachers - but it's confirmed for me that our school was ruddy awful at dealing with bullying.

Oh my gosh @WearyAuldWumman so glad you went but oh my it sounded a bit full on. I’ve never had the guts to go to one but did once tell a school bully I had no intention of speaking with her when she caught me in the shopping centre, when aged 25 with my baby, and wanted to ‘catch up’.

I went and did my thing, had a lovely day as a friend who knew I was going insisted on tagging along, it was good because we had coffees, a wander round the town and did the thing I wanted to do, then had lunch and another wander. It was lovely to have some company and made me realise I’m definitely in need of another person’s perspective and presence.

Been feeling a lot stupidly since Thursday evenings episode but somehow a few things have become clearer since waking up this morning and I think next week is going to be a huge turning point for the business and for slightly different reasons for me personally. And where in the past I’ve been feeling scared on some of the things I have to do I’m feeling strangely very OK about moving onwards without DH this morning.

Did anyone see last nights Michael MacIntyre’s Big Show, the unexpected Star of the Show, Bradie, what a fabulous voice, just felt if I changed the number 25 to my age it resonated with my current situation, definitely feeling peculiar, go walking the dog at 6am and wonder what’s going on.

@ByHisSideAlways im so sorry your struggling sooo much, I do think in kindest way you need to engage professional help, whilst it’s not unexpected to feel as you do, in my opinion, someone should be helping you find your way through your trauma, if you feel unable to talk to someone then perhaps she could look on YouTube and see if there are any self-help videos, or perhaps just some guided relaxational help.

We are all here for you, we have all experienced a lot of trauma, all in different ways, some more recently than others, but we can identify with your feelings of helplessness. Please do not be alone. 💐💐💐

I felt - and still feel now, to be honest - a comfort in isolating myself. It may be a form of self-indulgence to be continuing to avoid company so long after DW's death. I wanted to be alone because my grief was personal, overwhelming and unfathomable for anyone else; and I needed that solitude at the time.

Now, almost 5 years on, I'm not so sure that still holds true. We are all, to a greater or lesser degree, social creatures and I need to 're-enter' society if I am to regain any form of equilibrium in my life. It isn't comfortable to do and I feel curiously de-skilled, socially. I don't seem to be able to get the balance between talking too much and not talking enough, between over-sharing and being reticent.

I described myself immediately after her death as 'much-reduced'; trying to get back to who I was seems beyond me

My problem, @Emptyandsad is that I was a carer for so long that my social life was solely my work. (My mum became unwell when I was in my 30s, then Dad, then DH.)

I'm trying to get back out into the world, but it's not so easy. I'm glad that I joined the gym - at least I'm getting used to chatting to people again.

I've just signed up for an evening class for much the same reason. Weirdly (again - so much in my life is weird now), I seem to find it easier to do meaningless chat to strangers than I do to chat to people I know. Perhaps because the elephant in the room with friends takes up too much room on the sofa

@Emptyandsad I hope that evening class brings you some enjoyable distraction and paves the way forward for you to feel better. That’s a really big thing you’ve done for yourself.

Although my hobby took very much a backseat during DHS final few months, I have really felt it has assisted me on many occasions to be happier. I’m very fortunate that I have some crazy friends who are as passionate about the hobby as I am and we chat pretty much daily about what we’re doing.

I’ve had a really nice weekend, I’m heading into the new week feeling strangely positive and dare I say I think possibly happy. Im approaching nine months and a few weeks ago, I didn’t think I would ever smile again. I am prepared for it being slightly short-lived, but I’m hopeful.

i was up at dawn and out with the tutor, ive reversed the van in all directions backwards, first in a yard with traffic cones, one which I almost flattened 🤦‍♀️ but then out and about, round corners, reversed parallel parked it and into a space in the lorry part of the services. When you know how it’s actually not to bad, thank goodness, so that’s another big tick off my list and I feel DH is smiling down on me. (Really feel it should be the weekend tomorrow).

Hooray @Hisredipad! I hope you’re feeling really proud of yourself. I can’t even parallel park my car! What a massive step.
I’ve had my first counselling session this week. I’m not sure how I feel about it. The counsellor was very nice but she can’t bring him back. God this is hard isn’t?

Thank you, I bought everyone in the office a cake to celebrate.

So pleased that you have found a counsellor and that she is nice. That is probably the next thing on my list. So far it comes to the top of the list several times and been ignored but I do feel I need to get my head round it.

Yaaaaaaay!

Go @Hisredipad! Proud of you!

Went to a Stretch class today. DH did weight training, running and - latterly - karate. He always said that stretching was the most important thing.

I had my third Pilates class on Monday and my first Stretch class today. I'm doing better than I thought I could given my age, dodgy knees, flat feet and post-operative big toes.

The instructors are lovely - they give alternatives and tell you just to do what you can. At one point today, the instructor assured us that we'd be able to stretch a little more each time "until you can do the splits". Cue hoots of laughter.

While I was exercising, I could hear DH in my head saying "Well done, quine!" [It's okay - I know it's not really him...how I wish it were!]

My sister was taken in an ambulance to hospital again yesterday. That's the third time in two weeks. They asked me if I had thought about DNR. When I said I hadn't, the doctor told me I should. And then when they discharged her at 3.30 in the morning and she was taken home in an ambulance, the ambulance crew asked me again.

I feel a curious mixture of numb and overwhelmed. Sitting next to her in her hospital bed in a corridor, holding her hand because that's the only comfort she can get; she doesn't understand what's going on, but in my head I was back next to another hospital bed, holding a different hand, with stiff fingers.

I've been sitting watching crap on the tv this evening and the most trivial sentimentality brings me to tears. I've had my grief under control but suddenly...not so much

They actually discharged your sister at 3.30 am? That's atrocious. I'm sorry, @Emptyandsad .

Your feelings are completely understandable. It doesn't take much to remind us of what's already happened and your situation is particularly hard. Sending hugs.

I was glad they did. Otherwise I would have had to leave her there alone and i dont know how that would have worked. She was really happy to go home. She needs to be somewhere familiar

In that case, I take back my 'atrocious' comment.

How is she now? More settled?

She cheered up. But it's a one way journey for her and it feels like she's near the end of it. I'm sad for her and I'm sad for me, and my brothers.

Sometimes life is beautiful and sometimes it's unbearable. And the two go together, hand in hand

Sometimes life is beautiful and sometimes it's unbearable. And the two go together, hand in hand

That sums it up very well.

This isn't relevant to this thread at all, @WearyAuldWumman , but it made me laugh, and your Scottish (I'm guessing) so I hope it will make you smile too

I've never seen that one before, though I know Tom Leonard's work.

A favourite of mine is this poem by Margaret Hamilton:

I love that. My MIL was from Dundee and she would say "See me, see my man, see green peas; he disnae like'em"

@Emptyandsad really sorry to hear about your sister, I have a similar understanding I think as I had an aunt with a mental age of 5. My dad was her appointee I think it’s called. My aunt lived in a fabulous home where she was lovingly cared for but Dad was always anxious if she wasn’t well and ended up in hospital.

I hope she’s now comfortable and you’re feeling a lot better in yourself.

@Emptyandsad that’s so sad, for you and your sister. I’m sorry.
I wanted to ask if anyone else has a similar feeling - I’m feeling very unsafe. I suppose maybe it’s because DH had my back 100%, but I’m very scared of everything.

I don't know if I'm scared of everything, but I've lost my confidence in lots of ways and I avoid most social situations. I'm not sure why. Maybe that's being afraid; maybe it's because I feel that all those pleasures are tainted now with sorrow. I hope that will change, but I'm not confident that it will