Thank you. In the end it did go extremely well. I was able to leaver a contractor doing a difficult job in the morning and snuck to the cafe for a bacon roll and coffee at 10.30am, when everyone thought I was doing work related shopping. Then in the afternoon something major got taken out of my hands by another company we work alongside who suggested they were better able to deal with it (so chuffed about that), but I was on site from 8am - 6pm.
Then it all went downhill as I came home and decided to have a wine to celebrate and stupidly downed two big glasses while chatting on the phone to a friend, which went straight to my head and well the rest wasn’t pleasant and the result was another friend was alerted by the first friend and came over to find me pretty unwell and for some dumb reason, probably relief of shedding the major job, I just felt I’d reached rock bottom. I spent the whole evening a blubbering mess. Second friend didn’t leave until 10.30pm once they were sure I’d sobered up.
so it’s now 4am and im sitting here with tea and toast not feeling particularly great and a lot embarrassed by my dumb actions having wasted a particularly good bottle of wine, I’d probably have been fine if I’d have eaten but ……
Second friend really thinks counselling is needed, that now, those two difficult things are behind me I should spend some time on my own mental well being.
Ive emailed the office and told them i’m not well and won’t be in tomorrow, and that next week I’m having a few days off, there’s nothing pressingly urgent now so we can all take a collective break.
So much of my current life is just not what I expected it to be like, I’m hugely not a fan of the new normal. What I envisioned life to be like without dear DH is sort of as I’d seen it but hadn’t factored in the emotional feelings that go with it. Plus I thought I’d have moved on, but I’m not sure I’ve even started.
One of the kids gently asked me the other day about DH’s things, and did I want any help going through them. That cupboard door hasn’t been opened I think since I did the hot water tank and neither do I have any thoughts that I should be doing it. (Ive almost done the shed but that just spanner’s and screw drivers and not personally related items so much easier to deal with).
A lot of the time im grateful there’s no script to our lives after our loved ones have passed and we can do things as they happen, or need to happen, but today’s the day I feel I need some structure of something I can’t put into words to follow.
At least I feel human again now and am thankful for such supportive friends and today really needs to be that isolated incident.