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Bereavement

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This is life (after passing of DH)

923 replies

Hisredipad · 04/04/2025 23:25

I spent a while searching for a post to join in but didn’t find anything like I wanted.

I just want somewhere to pop daily and say things I can’t say IRL.

fell free to join me

today was our big anniversary and im feeling sad he’s not here to celebrate it with but I bought myself something I saw yesterday im sure he would have bought me. Bizarrely opened a drawer just a moment ago and found last year’s anniversary card and the sweet words he’d written.

Happy anniversary DH, xx years were the best ever xxxxx

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Emptyandsad · 27/08/2025 20:55

WearyAuldWumman · 27/08/2025 00:47

It was lockdown - the New Year bank holiday, '21 for me. Oh Lord. You must have had a lockdown funeral too? I'm so sorry.

It's so strange. Sometimes, I feel as though it were a hundred years ago; mostly, if feels like yesterday.

I'm still bitter about having to come home to an empty house after the funeral. I wasn't even allowed to thank the people who were allowed to come - not in the crem building, anyway. Had to do it in the car park and then the funeral car took me home.

My brain still isn't firing on all cylinders. Got a phone call from a pal, another widow, to say that she's in hospital. Got ready to go see her. She's no immediate family, so I didn't want to leave her on her own.

My alarm went again. I thought "A bit strange," but carried on.

Got home from Dundee tonight to find an email from my language teacher, wondering why I'd missed my lesson... Yup. I'd set the alarm for 15 minutes before the lesson.

For me was Nov 2020, death in an ICU unit, me dressed head to toe in plastic: hat, visor, mask, apron, gloves, with DW heavily sedated.

Funeral a couple of weeks later at the crematorium: just me and her 2 sons. We had a bigger memorial service in late August. I had Christmas dinner without my children (who stayed away because of lockdown) but with DW's 2 sons, one of whom thought he might have covid; so we ate it in the garden with 5 yards distance between me with son number one, and covid suspect son on the other side of the deck, all of us wrapped up in puffer jackets and beanies. It was weird. The neighbours came out to have a drink with us over the fence, and one leant us a metal bucket to light a fire in

I can still hardly believe it happened. The very strangest of times

WearyAuldWumman · 27/08/2025 21:10

I'm so sorry, @Emptyandsad .

DH at least died at home, but the aspects surrounding his death were quite traumatic. At least I was prepared for it, since I knew two other families where the husband had been seriously ill but Fife police were determined to treat the death as "unexpected", even though the rules state that this is not the case when the deceased was "under the care of a doctor".

Hisredipad · 28/08/2025 07:44

@Emptyandsad and @WearyAuldWumman
sending you big hugs for your previous posts

I’m off to do one of the difficult jobs today, but didn’t want to go before sending you a care hug xxxx

OP posts:
WearyAuldWumman · 28/08/2025 10:52

I hope that it goes well for you.

Hisredipad · 29/08/2025 04:36

WearyAuldWumman · 28/08/2025 10:52

I hope that it goes well for you.

Thank you. In the end it did go extremely well. I was able to leaver a contractor doing a difficult job in the morning and snuck to the cafe for a bacon roll and coffee at 10.30am, when everyone thought I was doing work related shopping. Then in the afternoon something major got taken out of my hands by another company we work alongside who suggested they were better able to deal with it (so chuffed about that), but I was on site from 8am - 6pm.

Then it all went downhill as I came home and decided to have a wine to celebrate and stupidly downed two big glasses while chatting on the phone to a friend, which went straight to my head and well the rest wasn’t pleasant and the result was another friend was alerted by the first friend and came over to find me pretty unwell and for some dumb reason, probably relief of shedding the major job, I just felt I’d reached rock bottom. I spent the whole evening a blubbering mess. Second friend didn’t leave until 10.30pm once they were sure I’d sobered up.

so it’s now 4am and im sitting here with tea and toast not feeling particularly great and a lot embarrassed by my dumb actions having wasted a particularly good bottle of wine, I’d probably have been fine if I’d have eaten but ……

Second friend really thinks counselling is needed, that now, those two difficult things are behind me I should spend some time on my own mental well being.
Ive emailed the office and told them i’m not well and won’t be in tomorrow, and that next week I’m having a few days off, there’s nothing pressingly urgent now so we can all take a collective break.

So much of my current life is just not what I expected it to be like, I’m hugely not a fan of the new normal. What I envisioned life to be like without dear DH is sort of as I’d seen it but hadn’t factored in the emotional feelings that go with it. Plus I thought I’d have moved on, but I’m not sure I’ve even started.

One of the kids gently asked me the other day about DH’s things, and did I want any help going through them. That cupboard door hasn’t been opened I think since I did the hot water tank and neither do I have any thoughts that I should be doing it. (Ive almost done the shed but that just spanner’s and screw drivers and not personally related items so much easier to deal with).

A lot of the time im grateful there’s no script to our lives after our loved ones have passed and we can do things as they happen, or need to happen, but today’s the day I feel I need some structure of something I can’t put into words to follow.

At least I feel human again now and am thankful for such supportive friends and today really needs to be that isolated incident.

OP posts:
Emptyandsad · 29/08/2025 07:40

Sending you a big hug, @Hisredipad . It's shit, but it's all we've got. Look after yourself as best you can.

Why not try the counselling? If it doesn't work you can bin it

Sometimes I feel as if I am literally at the bottom of a big hole. I can't climb out. I can sit on the floor at the bottom and have a bit of rest from the fruitless struggle to climb out. But I'm still at the bottom of a hole where I don't want to be

Sunshineandbluesky · 29/08/2025 10:49

Oh @Hisredipad I’m sorry. It’s so sad. Please try not to feel embarrassed. It’s just awful for you. I’m glad you’re taking some time off work. Just reading your posts I can see the struggle that working on your business is for you.
I’m ashamed to say that I’m still in bed. I had a really busy day yesterday and am really trying but there’s no getting over the fact that I feel like my life has ended. My poor son. I just want my DH back. I can’t accept that this is the rest of my life now.

WearyAuldWumman · 29/08/2025 12:53

Sending hugs @Hisredipad.

In my case it was a combination of a whisky and diazepam three months after the death...Not a good idea!

WearyAuldWumman · 29/08/2025 12:55

I still stay in bed longer than I should @Sunshineandbluesky , except on days when I have to get up. That's one of the reasons that I signed up for the gym - to give me a reason to leave the house.

atiaofthejulii · 29/08/2025 15:53

Oh @Hisredipad I'm so sorry you had such a bad night! You've been putting so much effort into keeping the business going, worrying about other family members, and just coping in general. All that tension building up was going to break at some point, but I'm sorry it was so traumatic. Easily done. And I'm really glad that your friends were there for you xxx

How's today been for you?

atiaofthejulii · 29/08/2025 16:07

I've had a bad night/day as well. Went to the theatre last night and before it started I began to feel very distressed - there was something about the atmosphere and anticipation that made me flashback to the jam-packed church waiting for J's funeral service to start. Fortunately the play started before I went into a full meltdown, but I've not felt right since, very weepy again today.

WearyAuldWumman · 29/08/2025 16:11

Sorry, @atiaofthejulii . I had similar while visiting a friend in hospital this week. Not a hospital that DH was ever in, but the same feel.

atiaofthejulii · 29/08/2025 16:29

There's so much going on in our subconscious all the time.

Emptyandsad · 29/08/2025 18:10

@atiaofthejulii sorry your trip to the theatre turned out so bad. Its weird, isn't it, how little unexpected things can trigger you

Last Friday my sister had a seizure and was taken to hospital. She was drifting in and out of sleep and was a bit away with the fairies and non-responsive and it just took me straight back to watching my DW die. Took me a couple of days to get over the feeling of unease (back to just the everyday sense of loss and emptiness 🤣🤣)

WearyAuldWumman · 29/08/2025 18:11

@Emptyandsad Oh heck. Yes, I can quite understand that. How is your sister now?

Emptyandsad · 29/08/2025 18:17

Oh @WearyAuldWumman , she's complicated. She has Down Syndrome and early onset dementia and she has deteriorated rapidly over the past year. The seizures are new (2 in the last 3 weeks). But she is no longer aware of the deterioration in her condition (it used to cause her massive frustration as her memory disappeared etc). So she's not unhappy, but, equally, she's not happy either. I'm afraid it's a one-way journey for her now - as it is for the rest of us, but she's just further along. It's very sad. She used to be so sociable and energetic

WearyAuldWumman · 29/08/2025 21:35

I'm sorry, @Emptyandsad - to say that that is hard is an understatement.

Hisredipad · 30/08/2025 00:16

I’ve read all your messages and I’m glad that you’ve been there for each other and thank you for the messages for myself

I took a friend to lunch today as a bit of an early birthday gift and have distance myself from my phone and the office.

This evening a very good friend of DH’s happened to ring me and I spent a lovely evening mulling over all sorts of things with them and felt rest assured that DH would be proud of where I’ve got with a business.
Then I fell asleep. I’m not long woken up. I shoved the tablet in the dishwasher and now I’m in my bed.

I’m having a day out tomorrow, there’s a thing I particularly want to do that’s only on this weekend And I decided to go alone so that if I feel I don’t actually want to do it anymore then I can just pop back home

OP posts:
ByHisSideAlways · 30/08/2025 07:48

Hello everyone, I have been reading along but haven't had the energy to post. I'm so sorry things are so rough for everyone.
I'm back at work now. I'm not sure if that was the right thing to do or a completely terrible idea. Sometimes I think I'm doing alright and that I will be ok but others - well it's bad. The thought of ending it all is there all the time. I don't want to do this without him. What's the point? I know he would be disappointed if I did and I really don't want to let him down but it's just so hard. I'm only 6 weeks in and I don't want to feel like this much longer. I know you all understand. Every single day is torture right now. I have no friends and feel like I'm a burden to everyone. Everything was perfect when he was here - obviously we had some stresses here and there but we were together therefore everything else could be fixed. Now I'm just broken into a million tiny pieces.

OldWave · 30/08/2025 08:11

I'm sorry that you're in the hardest part right now. I think perhaps it's good that you are back at work. Take comfort in the routine of work. Don't think too far ahead -- it's a bit like not looking down when you're at height!
You're being very brave. Your husband would be (and I believe is) proud of you.

Sunshineandbluesky · 30/08/2025 10:50

Hello, I just wanted to say I’m reading your posts and thinking of and feeling for you all.
I’m not doing very well at the moment and just wish he’d come back.

ByHisSideAlways · 30/08/2025 12:34

@OldWave - Thank you. I truly believe he is watching over me and I just want to make him proud of me. I know he wouldn't want sadness to take over me completely but it's so hard. He was is my everything and life is so empty without him. I know he would want me to be brave and try to get on with things. I know I wouldn't end my own life, purely out of fear of upsetting / disappointing him, but I really do hope it is not too long before I see him again.

@Sunshineandbluesky - I'm so sorry. I completely understand about wishing he would come back. If my DH returned to me everything would be perfect because nothing else would really matter. I need him here with me.

I sincerely hope everyone can find some pockets of peace over the weekend.

WearyAuldWumman · 30/08/2025 12:45

@ByHisSideAlways What @OldWave said.

Going back to work does help, I found. I wasn't able to do that for a good while, I recall - I was on the supply list at the time, so didn't have a regular position.

It did get to me at times: I was offered a supply job at the school where DH and I both worked at the time of our engagement and I had one class in his old room. I welled up, but I managed. Being forced to see other people is good for you and I miss it to an extent now.

We all have those thoughts, ByHisSideAlways - even now, it comes to me - but they want us to keep going.

ByHisSideAlways · 30/08/2025 18:05

Thank you @WearyAuldWumman that must have been tough to go into his old room.
You are all inspiring me. Honestly.
I'm finding great comfort in talking, in real life and online. Particularly to those in a similar position. I am really struggling (as we all are) but I've had a nap and a bit of a cry and now I'm going to take myself off to the theatre tonight. A wee date with myself on a Saturday night because I deserve it. It's not how my Saturday would have looked before as we preferred to stay home and snuggle on the couch but I accept those days are gone and I need to start (very slowly) working out who I am going to be without him. First step getting out there and doing something for me.

WearyAuldWumman · 31/08/2025 00:07

Survived my school reunion. Nearly chickened out, but I'm glad I went.

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