This is life (after passing of DH)

[Hisredipad]

I spent a while searching for a post to join in but didn’t find anything like I wanted.

I just want somewhere to pop daily and say things I can’t say IRL.

fell free to join me

today was our big anniversary and im feeling sad he’s not here to celebrate it with but I bought myself something I saw yesterday im sure he would have bought me. Bizarrely opened a drawer just a moment ago and found last year’s anniversary card and the sweet words he’d written.

Happy anniversary DH, xx years were the best ever xxxxx

The lack of confidence is there all the time. The being scared is there a lot of the time - but that has lessened over the four years.

I got a 'pressure loss' warning whilst driving home in the dark last night. Was praying the car would get me home - which it did.

Got the car to Kwki-Fit today and I did indeed have a puncture - all sorted. I walked to the nearby Morrison's for an all-day breakfast while they worked on it.

After I paid and picked up the keys, I wanted to cry from relief. Daft.

@Sunshineandbluesky I think I know what you mean. It’s The having to make your own decisions. Having to do the things that perhaps you’ve not had to do before because they always did them for us. Knowing that if you make a decision and you’ve made it wrong, it’s your own fault.

I spent a long time just walking fraudulent. To be honest, I’m not really sure how to explain it. I think in that particular moment I felt it was wrong for me still to be on the Earth. It went hand in hand with a lot of foggy brain issues.

I think the first thing I had to do was sort out the energy cap price thing it was very daunting but I did manage it and felt quite proud of myself for having sorted it out

It’s part of the firsts isn’t it really. I’m always hoping that by the time we get to the seconds It will all just be normal.

The feedings that you mentioned I suppose are probably part of an anxiousness which I found if I could distract myself from then I did feel better. That was around the time I got an Alexa and I always walk into the kitchen and the first thing I do is ask it to play the radio

It’s going to be eight months soon

There’s a possibility in my previous post I might have said it was nine
But I realised today it’s actually eight
No idea how I got to 8 months
It hardly seems any time ago most days
but sometimes it seems like it was forever

A lot of the paperwork things have started coming together in the last three weeks, which I think has helped clear the fog.

Thank you for your replies. I’ve always been a very anxious sort of person, but with DH always in the background he gave me such a boost in confidence, the sort you get when someone loves you exactly as you are. But also knowing I had a best friend to talk everything through with and to do the stuff I found difficult and vice versa.
This is hard, so hard.
@Emptyandsad I get completely how you feel.
@Hisredipad yes, it feels wrong for me to be on the earth right now, without him. I feel like I’m gone. I’m not sure who I am now.
@WearyAuldWumman not daft at all. I feel that about nearly everything atm.
I think the other thing is that my brain isn’t functioning at the moment so everything is extra hard to understand or to do.

@Sunshineandbluesky you are still so much in the early days, it’s no surprise to me you feel as you do, it’s taken me to only recently to emerge from the fog, sometimes it re appears and clouds my life. I’ve had periods, sometimes hours, occasionally a day, where I feel all is ok only to have it swiped away.

I watched lots of random easy tv programs as a distraction in the early days, do try and get out for some fresh air and if possible some company

💐💐💐

Im sitting in the café at the eurostar departure lounge, about to head off on a big train trip to Helsinki and back. And just missing her. We would have been so excited together.

Don't get me wrong, I am looking forward to the experience. But it's a challenge for me now, whereas with her it would just have been a joy

Thank you all for your company; you're really appreciated

Go you @Emptyandsad and tell us all about it!

big hugs 💐💐💐

Hello everyone, glad to see you are all still here.
I'm feeling a little more together this week. In some ways I think I rushed back to work too early but it has been a good distraction for me. I have joined Widowed and Young and took part in some of the Zoom meetings which have been good for me. I've been getting out of the house every day although sometimes I think I'm spending too much time out and avoiding being home alone. However, I think with the autumn coming in that will change over the next few weeks.
I worry a lot about forgetting DH or him thinking I have moved on and abandoned him. I also still worry about letting him down. The house is still not as clean or tidy as I would like it to be but I don't think it ever will be as DH was the one who kept on top of it all.
I am very aware of my own mortality now. No one will care as much when I die and that's ok but I am conscious of all the stuff I own and my affairs are a bit of a mess so I'd like to sort all that out soon so as not to leave anyone with lots to deal with. I'm not actively thinking of my own death in the same way as I was a few weeks ago but if death did come for me now I'd happily scoot off this earth and find my beloved DH.
I have accepted that it was his time and it is not yet mine. I may even have another 40 years here (although I sincerely hope not). I figure I can either be sad and let my life become small and lonely or I can be sad but also try and get out there and do things. Everything will forever be tinged with great sadness as he is not here and I will yearn for him forever but I also have to try because I genuinely cannot feel the way I have been for the rest of my life. It's just too much to bear.

Sending hugs. Yes - I need to get my house in order. I'm trying to declutter and to get my affairs in order.

This is exactly my attitude - except for worrying what my DW thinks of me. I'm afraid I think that the dead are dead and they're not thinking about anyone. I'll be very happy to be proved wrong!

But I'd be very happy to die now - but in the meantime I'm going to do my best to live and hope that there is some happiness somewhere, sometime, still waiting for me

Ironically, I'm writing this from a capsule hotel in Berlin; I've never stayed in one before and it feels very much like the inside of a space age coffin!

Hugs from me as well

I am finding things easier on the whole in this past week or two, but a lot of paperwork and probate et cetera is finally coming together.

I’m not too bad at keeping downstairs reasonably tidy as I have a scoot around just before I go to bed

Upstairs however, is a riot
I started tidying all the cupboards
I’ve not really dealt with anything of DH
But I sold some old crockery. It was worth a bit gave away some odds and ends on a free before the tip Facebook group.

I’ve got six weeks to sort myself out as the family will be coming to intern the ashes and we will need all the bedroom which are currently full of boxes of right random stuff which I’m determined is not going back in the cupboards or the loft

Oooo errrr @Emptyandsad thats a very odd space. Hope you’re ok.

The sun is shining here this morning. I’ve woken up feeling a lot more human again. It’s an office day today. Lots of things should come together today or at least I’m hoping they will.

Thinking of you all and hoping that you all have a good day. Hugs 💐💐💐

I hope everyone’s ok. Life’s a bit of a whirl here, lots good but some not so. I can’t get my head around why some family members just feel that their mental health top trumps mine and therefore I should bow down and do what they unreasonably want.
I’ve managed a please be respectful of my grief reply, only to have that ignored and their thoughts thrust upon me again, so I said them to be mindful of my grief please, no answer for 24 hours, im hoping they got the message.

I hope @Emptyandsad that your trip is going well. I’ve decided to plan one of my own, im going on Friday, I’ve been offered to borrow my friends campervan. Completely out of the blue, it’s big, like the works van, but as he said if I can drive the works van it’s no different. He let me take it for a drive yesterday with him, his wife is going to clean it and pack it up for me with stuff I need, im going to the seaside. I was always envious of them, DH and I visited them at the camp site once on a day trip. It’s just for the weekend but im sooo excited!

@Hisredipad it’s lovely to hear you so excited. 😁 It really sounds like fun and here’s where your courage with the works van pays off.
I’m sorry to hear about family members and their lack of understanding. I’m afraid the only people who really understand are those that have been there. I also think people can be incredibly selfish only seeing their own feelings - at least that’s what I’ve found.
It’s 3 months for me now. I’ve had a few days where I’ve not showered or brushed my teeth, which is so not me. I was so proud of myself the first few weeks for keeping in my routine. Now I think the depression has developed and I just don’t care. Anyway I’ve got visitors today so I’ve made an effort and am clean again!
The pain is so awful at times and I think I’m missing him more as time goes by.

@Hisredipad I can’t get my head around why some family members just feel that their mental health top trumps mine and therefore I should bow down and do what they unreasonably want.

I found that as well with DH's adult children and was somewhat surprised. They decided not to attend the lockdown funeral - they asked that their mother represent them.

I agreed, but then found that I was being asked to tweak things to suit them, even though they were only watching the webcast.

The one that surprised me most was when I was asked to change the music. I'd managed to send an electronic copy for their approval and then heard nothing until after it had been sent to the funeral director.

The daughter wanted me remove one of the recordings of DH singing and to replace it with an instrumental from a CD he'd played to her child.

I explained that I hadn't been able to transfer the music to an MP3/4 format myself - friends in another part of the country had done it for me - it had all been done by post and they'd sent me CDs plus a pen file.

Nevertheless, she insisted that she wanted a track from the instrumental CD. I explained that the crem wasn't allowing copyrighted music, so that constrained what we could use. I also explained that I didn't have the CD and didn't know the name of it. Could she tell me what the tune was?

She didn't know..."But you'll know better than I do what Dad would have liked."

[Yes, I did. It had already been sent to the crem staff by the funeral director.]

I asked whether she'd listened to the recording of her dad singing. "Oh, I couldn't bear to listen to it."

I recall apologising to my dentist for not flossing every day...The non-showering thing is quite common.

Well done to everyone getting out and about. @Hisredipad , have a lovely trip. I'd love a few days to stare at the empty sea. I am desperate for solitude, even if loneliness might visit.
I've been busy getting DS back to school and relieved to get back into routine. His behaviour is very challenging. I wish I had DH to help. We could have managed, if just barely, together, but on my own I am feeling too old and tired.

Hello all, or mitam as they say here in Warsaw!

I'm off tomorrow to Vilnius and then heading further north. I stay in a city for a couple of days and then move on. I have to admit, today I'm tired of the travel and the walking and sightseeing so I've not done much. The solitude of travel is interesting. I'm writing a blog every day, describing the things I see but also how I feel. The writing kind of keeps me sane and gives me a purpose. My gri3f co7nsellow suggested that keeping a diary in the months after DW' death might be helpful - but I didn't do it because it would have been so much effort. But now I wonder if it might have been useful

I'm sorry that people's friends and relatives are being/have been such dicks. DW's son said to me when I was worried about pleasing people, that 'if you can't be a selfish git when your wife's died, when can you?' He meant that your only duty in times of such great grief is to look after yourself. Anyone that cares for you would agree and anyone that doesn't agree can get stuffed.

I remember the effort required to keep hygienic. To change clothes and bed linen, to shower and brush your teeth. It seems so pointless

@OldWave

I hope that things improve.

@OldWave I’m in exactly the same position! DS isn’t easy at all. Like you he was a challenge for the two of us, but on my own it’s so so hard. And lonely without anyone to discuss his issues with.
@Emptyandsad the blog sounds an excellent idea. I’d like to read it. 👍
It’s interesting to know others have had the lethargy around cleanliness. My DH would have been amused but would have also told me to cut myself some slack. I’m so glad I can hear his voice for that.
My god this is so so hard. I read a random quote on Facebook - not so random as they’re feeding me so much awful stuff on grief that I keep having to click on “not interested” - that said
“It was love and I lived in it
And it is grief and I will carry it.”
I don’t know why but that has stuck in my head today. I have an image in my head of me carrying my DH on my back as if that is my payment for love, for having him. I don’t think I’ve explained that very well. I don’t mean as a burden, just simply as something I now do for loving and being loved so much.
I know I sound nuts sometimes. But I feel safe saying this sort of thing here.

I get that @Sunshineandbluesky . I think we all have an image or a phrase that resonates with us

@Sunshineandbluesky If you'd like to read the blog I'd be very happy to send you (or anyone else) the link. It's not about grief, it's about the trip; but you'd be very welcome. I'd post the link but that seems a little overly outing - not that I'm particularly worried on that front but, I'm sure you know what I mean. I don't suppose we're going to discover we live next door or you're my auntie Janet

@Sunshineandbluesky , I hear you re: the loneliness of not having anyone as equally invested with DS.
How is he coping? DS seems to be struggling at the moment and I can't sort out whether it is grief, disability, or puberty. Or all three.
And do I have strength and patience to figure this out? Not so much.

To be honest @OldWave I really don’t know. He’s tried grief counselling but didn’t want to do it. He’s sometimes very blunt about what’s happened to his dad. Sometimes to the point of really hurting my feelings and then other times he’s so so sad.
He occasionally talks about it which is healthy but heartbreaking too. He must be missing him dreadfully as they had such a lovely relationship.
As you say I’ve no patience with him and he depends on me to be calm.
And yes, friends say oh that’s normal in puberty but he’s tricky to work out at the best of times. So working out the effect losing his dad is having on behaviour is hard. I keep thinking it must be massive. From a purely selfish point of view he doesn’t want spend any time with me anymore and I know that’s normal at his age, but I’m incredibly lonely without both of them.

Hang on in there, Sunshine & Blue Sky. It will pass. He won't even know himself what he's feeling nor what he's doing. He's hurting and hitting out. It's so tough when dealing with your own grief is such a struggle without having to deal with a teenage boys.

Much love to teenage boys; I was one myself once. I'm not sure I was very nice; I was trying so hard to pretend that I was an adult and independent, when I sooo wasn't

Sending much love and strength to those still raising children. However amazing they are, it's a challenge, and obviously we naturally prioritise them - I hope you are being able to look after yourselves as much as necessary whilst parenting.

I've been busy with work and life, some of it has been tough but I've been quite sociable the last week or so and I'm in a calm phase at the moment. I visited his burial site at the weekend which was actually the first time I'd been there by myself, and it was lovely. His kids are all doing well which is good to hear about.