Please or to access all these features

Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

This is life (after passing of DH)

923 replies

Hisredipad · 04/04/2025 23:25

I spent a while searching for a post to join in but didn’t find anything like I wanted.

I just want somewhere to pop daily and say things I can’t say IRL.

fell free to join me

today was our big anniversary and im feeling sad he’s not here to celebrate it with but I bought myself something I saw yesterday im sure he would have bought me. Bizarrely opened a drawer just a moment ago and found last year’s anniversary card and the sweet words he’d written.

Happy anniversary DH, xx years were the best ever xxxxx

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
BluebellShmoobell · 23/08/2025 23:03

Frostyfingers im so very sorry for your loss, right now you feel like your drowning and just about breathing, this is a lovely supportive group, my dp died 22 years ago but I know how exactly how you are feeling, I won't go on about time being a healer and you will get better, because right now your in the thick of it and each minute can feel like torture.
I hope you've got some good support and are managing to do the basics like eating and sleeping, even if its only a little.
Take care.

OldWave · 23/08/2025 23:23

I'm so sorry, @frostyfingers . Take solace in anything, let those around you carry you for now. Definitely take it minute by minute, or even second by second.

Emptyandsad · 24/08/2025 09:16

Hi @frostyfingers

I'm so sorry for your loss and welcome to our sad little club. It does feel like you join a club when you lose someone you love. Life is never the same and all the other people in the club understand in a way that nobody else does.

Not a club anyone wants to join

Just to talk practically for a second, you may find that this web page helps you get your head around the things that need to be done when someone dies:

https://www.gov.uk/when-someone-dies

What to do when someone dies: step by step - GOV.UK

Check what to do after a death - how to register the death, notify government departments and deal with the estate.

https://www.gov.uk/when-someone-dies

Emptyandsad · 24/08/2025 11:18

I feel like I am the most stupid person in the world! I have been reading @Hisredipad in my head as 'hiss ready pad'.

🙄 His Red iPad... 🤯

WearyAuldWumman · 24/08/2025 11:52

Emptyandsad · 24/08/2025 11:18

I feel like I am the most stupid person in the world! I have been reading @Hisredipad in my head as 'hiss ready pad'.

🙄 His Red iPad... 🤯

Same!

Hisredipad · 24/08/2025 17:08

@Emptyandsad , @WearyAuldWumman

😂 it’s a lot outing now I think about it

OP posts:
Hisredipad · 25/08/2025 14:52

I put my big girls knickers on and popped in on family that’s avoiding me (I think) for ten minutes today (I did ring, I had a reason to go there) , im hoping it may pave the way for better things. But for outings reasons I can’t talk about I’ve been left feeling extremely lonely. It’s bank holiday weekend and i’ve spent it completely alone (partly my fault as I hadn’t realised it was bank holiday this weekend so maybe could have arranged something).

Part of me is very sad that the half of me that’s left is a sad reminder that the whole of me’s gone.

OP posts:
Sunshineandbluesky · 25/08/2025 15:24

@Hisredipad I’m so sorry that you plucked up courage (which I know is so hard to do) but that you’re left feeling lonely.
When you say
“Part of me is very sad that the half of me that’s left is a sad reminder that the whole of me’s gone” I understand completely.
Sending support and a hug to you today.

WearyAuldWumman · 25/08/2025 17:02

Yes, I can empathise with all of that.

ByHisSideAlways · 25/08/2025 23:23

Sending you all so much love and support.

I've been really struggling this last week. I do need to take a step back though and see that I've been dealing with a lot - my 40th, returning to work, dividing DH's ashes, dealing with a flat he rented out as well as trying to get on with some sadmin. I want to make him proud of me. To watch over me and be proud to think "That's my wife" ❤I'm trying hard every day but there obviously is no way to know he is proud so I'm creating more problems for myself.

I know my thinking has been really messed up this week. Lots of thoughts of what's the point? Wanting / Wishing to be dead to stop this pain and for us to be together. I don't want to have to do this life without him by my side, its torture. I don't want to go anywhere / see anything with out him. We did everything together and this is just so lonely without him. I've also been feeling guilty about things I shouldn't. Like maybe he thinks I'm over it/him as I have gone back to work or when I'm not crying or upset he'll think I don't care. It's so incredibly messed up.

I joined Widowed and Young and have been getting some support there and have made the first step in trying to access counselling. Life is really tough right now but I am just under 6 weeks in and I know I'm putting so much pressure on myself.

I've been buying flowers on a Friday, DH doesn't have a grave so I just have them in the house. I like to have this little routine that makes me feel close to him.

WearyAuldWumman · 25/08/2025 23:36

The sadmin is pretty awful, but I found that it gave me focus. I think that I did my husband proud with his funeral - that actually does give me some comfort.

I'm glad that you're getting support, @ByHisSideAlways .

I get the guilt as well. In the first year, I recall feeling guilty that I could see crocuses in bloom when he couldn't. I also felt guilty that I could eat. Also over the things that I might have done to help him more.

From a selfish point of view, I find myself being a bit jealous of widow/ers who have adult children who can support them both emotionally and practically, I admit.

I can't remember whether I said - I had a weird situation last week where a gentleman I met in a farm shop cafe wanted to swap numbers with me. I thought that he was just being nice, but later found that he'd been a bit inappropriate with another widow of my acquaintance so I blocked him. (He'd started talking to me because he'd heard me answering my phone and mentioning her name - it's an unusual one.) I'm not looking for romance.

65 years old and it's the first time in my life I've swapped numbers with a strange man. You'd think I would have known better, eh? (He's not a widower - his wife has been in dementia facility for a year, which is why I felt sorry for him.)

The only problem is that I'm now avoiding the farm shop. Maybe not a huge difficulty - most days I'm getting lunch at the leisure centre. I got a reduced price annual pass and I'm fully retired now so I take as many classes as possible in an attempt to keep fit and to give myself a reason to leave the house. Had a gym session plus pilates today. Had lunch in between and then used the gym facilities to shower after the pilates class. I really do need to be seeing to my house repairs, however.

Hisredipad · 26/08/2025 08:42

@ByHisSideAlways , six weeks in is hardly anytime at all, im. I’m not surprised you’re having a hard time. We didn’t have DH’s funeral until just after a month after he passed so family from abroad could be here.

As hard as it sounds I do believe you just need to be kind to yourself, if there’s no rush to do things, then don’t, I did a lot of things between his passing and the funeral but it kept me focused and was a good distraction, but after that ive drifted lots (although saving our business took a lot of time which I could have done without. )

life was a foggy haze, of tears, heavy eyes back then, I still do cry every day but not quite so much.

I bumped into an acquaintance while walking the dog and we chatted a bit as we walked, they’d been widowed many years ago and had some interesting thoughts on my not wanting to go to grief counselling which has possibly made me change my mind.

today however, is, drum roll please, the day I book the reversing of the van course (I chickened out earlier in the month and we found someone to drive it but I can’t carry on like that I’ve decided). Im writing it here for accountability that im going to do it!

@WearyAuldWumman im in awe of your gym visits. Personally regarding the farm shop man I’d think up a withering statement (or get mnsnetters to write you one as they can be a creatively sarky lot) and have it committed to memory to recite if he approaches

it’s strange how we are all different, I can’t say I have felt guilt, but I do feel there was nothing more I could have done for DH, I gave my all, possibly more if the months of exhaustion that followed were anything to go by. It’s only recently I don’t feel extreme fatigue on a daily basis. My body was punished in the 24/7 care of DH, I lost a couple of stone (which I’d trying to lose for years) in about 12 weeks.

what I am most upset over is that he didn’t update his will as I’d asked three years ago and it’s been a bit of a headache to unravel things which are almost impossible to do now. I’ve been sorting mine and making it simple as can be.

OP posts:
WearyAuldWumman · 26/08/2025 10:33

Yay for the reversing course!

Based on my experience with the now sadly defunct camper, it's all in the mirrors. (It was just a wee van - a Mazda Bongo.)

Emptyandsad · 26/08/2025 10:50

@WearyAuldWumman
This isn't the same as your word man story, but I was reminded of the time, about 3 months after DW died, when i went to the pub on my own to watch a football match. I was sitting at a table with my pint and an elderly man came and asked if I minded if he joined me and we got chatting. When I told him that my wife had died, he advised me earnestly to replace her quickly. "You're still young (I was 61) and you'll be seen as a catch. In a couple of years time you'll be seen as someone looking for a carer."

To be fair, it was only about a month later that a female acquaintance told me it was time to 'move on' and my DW would have 'wanted me to be happy'.

And @Hisredipad , I went the other way; I've put on 10 kg since she died 😥. Eat too much and, while we walked about 15k every day, it's not so much fun to do it on your own and I just can't motivate myself (for the walk or anything else..)

WearyAuldWumman · 26/08/2025 10:57

I lost two stones in the first month. Once I started eating, I quickly regained it and then some. (I was already overweight.) It's taken me nearly two years to lose a bit over two stones again.

I really needed the gym/training - I think that I just sat for the first two years of bereavement, apart from when I really had to do certain things. I couldn't get off the couch without using my arms.

In my defence, I needed a few medical procedures the first couple of years as well - partly because of lockdown and partly because of my caring duties my own health problems had gone on the back burner.

I was in the NHS 'obese' category. I'm now at the top end of the 'overweight' category.

WearyAuldWumman · 26/08/2025 11:03

@Emptyandsad

I had DH telling me to find myself another man after he was gone. I've also had other people commenting that I'm young enough...I was nearly 61 when I lost him; 65 now.

The one person of my acquaintance to have 'moved on' in this way is DH's ex. She's now in her 80s. (Yes, DH was 20 yrs older than me.)

Her affair partner was around 7 yrs younger than her, but died suddenly. Less than a year later, she had a widower. He died of cancer and less than a year later, she had Man No. 4, another widower.

Good luck to her. I think that some people just can't bear to be on their own and I guess that I can understand that.

I'll admit to being astounded, however, when DH's DIL told me over the phone that the ex was "devastated...as we knew she would be..." when DH died. I think that because they didn't see me during lockdown and I didn't throw myself over the coffin on the webcast funeral that I was somehow fine.

Hisredipad · 26/08/2025 11:43

Reversing booked. Knees trembling 🤦‍♀️😀😀

OP posts:
Emptyandsad · 26/08/2025 11:48

Hisredipad · 26/08/2025 11:43

Reversing booked. Knees trembling 🤦‍♀️😀😀

Bon courage...

WearyAuldWumman · 26/08/2025 17:42

That’s step one @Hisredipad ! Well done!

atiaofthejulii · 26/08/2025 17:43

@ByHisSideAlways can't believe it's been 6 weeks - it feels like an eternity when you're living through it. Be kind to yourself. My counsellor is very good at saying it's early days still! Pretty much all the pressure we feel is self imposed - we were talking last week about trying to reframe all the "I should"s and "I need"s to something more like "I would like to" or similar. Every day you get through is a victory - keeping going when you feel you can't is real strength xxx

@Hisredipad well done on booking the reversing course! You will smash it! Er .... manoeuvring not the van 😁

@WearyAuldWumman I had a Bongo! Years ago (think we sold it in 2009). And then after my boyfriend and I got together I found out that he'd ALSO had one! We had so many daft little coincidences like that, that we thought meant we were basically fated to be together 😁

And I've put on about a stone I think ....

Emptyandsad · 26/08/2025 23:22

@WearyAuldWumman

We're almost twins in timelines. Lost her in late 2020 when I was 60 and I'm 65 now

Shocking to think of the time passing

WearyAuldWumman · 27/08/2025 00:47

Emptyandsad · 26/08/2025 23:22

@WearyAuldWumman

We're almost twins in timelines. Lost her in late 2020 when I was 60 and I'm 65 now

Shocking to think of the time passing

It was lockdown - the New Year bank holiday, '21 for me. Oh Lord. You must have had a lockdown funeral too? I'm so sorry.

It's so strange. Sometimes, I feel as though it were a hundred years ago; mostly, if feels like yesterday.

I'm still bitter about having to come home to an empty house after the funeral. I wasn't even allowed to thank the people who were allowed to come - not in the crem building, anyway. Had to do it in the car park and then the funeral car took me home.

My brain still isn't firing on all cylinders. Got a phone call from a pal, another widow, to say that she's in hospital. Got ready to go see her. She's no immediate family, so I didn't want to leave her on her own.

My alarm went again. I thought "A bit strange," but carried on.

Got home from Dundee tonight to find an email from my language teacher, wondering why I'd missed my lesson... Yup. I'd set the alarm for 15 minutes before the lesson.

OldWave · 27/08/2025 07:36

I understand the "hundred years ago but also yesterday" feeling. A lot has changed in my life and I wonder what DH would make of it all.
Anyway, those who lost their loved ones during lockdown, would you consider a 5 year memorial service ?

WearyAuldWumman · 27/08/2025 12:37

At the time, I couldn't bear the thought of holding a memorial service/celebration of life after the funeral: the funeral was the celebration of life.

Most of the people who would have attended were there. (We were allowed 20.) I hesitate to say this here because I know that I'm privileged compared with others here, but DH outlived most of his friends.

It took everything in me to organise the funeral and at the time I couldn't bear the thought of going through all that again.

DH's brother would have come up for the funeral, but I told him to stay at home - his wife had had a stroke and my BIL is his carer. Also, DH's sister was waiting for a cancer op. (Thankfully, that went well.) Our nephew attended and represented that branch of the family.

Later that year, I got a letter from DH's regiment. (He was a short-term regular - did three years.) They were holding a drumhead service to commemorate the amalgamation of the regiment and intended to incorporate a memorial element for those who died during the pandemic. Normally, the regimental association is represented by members at funerals.

I was allotted tickets for a service at Holyrood. I invited Dh' brother and nephew. Also DH's grandchild (who was 21 at the time). DH's son had been told to shield and the advice was still that folk in his situation should distance. The daughter had refused to come to the funeral because she had developed adult-onset asthma at some point. Their mother represented them at the funeral.

I never told them this, but before he died, DH told me that he didn't think that the kids would attend his funeral. This was before the pandemic and I told him that he was wrong, of course they would...

I realised afterwards, that he was telling me that they wouldn't come up to support me. (They've since been at DH's memorial stone, judging by the flowers that were left for a significant birthday, three years after he died.)

I never did hear back from the grandchild, but my BIL and nephew were both at the drumhead service. The Queen was supposed to be in attendance, but we were told that the predicted bad weather meant that her copter couldn't make the trip from Balmoral. Even then, we were pretty sure that she simply wasn't well enough.

The Duke of Kent did attend and that was pleasing - he was my husband's old tank commander. (DH was his gunner.)

It was a beautiful day and the setting of the gardens was simply lovely. It gave me a great deal of comfort.

While we were waiting outside the gardens, the regiment and association marched down the Royal Mile, led by the pipes and drums. As they passed us, they were playing Rowan Tree.

This sounds like something made up for a Hallmark movie, but as they went past, I turned to my BIL and said "That was [DH's adoptive mum]'s favourite tune." Just then, a white feather floated down and hit the pavement right in the middle of where the three of us were standing. No sign of any birds.

No, I didn't think to pick it up.

We were allowed to take photos after the service. I've cropped this to remove recognisable faces, but included enough to let you see a bit of the setting.

This is life (after passing of DH)
OldWave · 27/08/2025 20:01

That sounds like a magnificent celebration of his life. I think even though it stopped people from attending in person, covid perhaps meant that we were more connected.
I've had quite a few if those "feather" type moments --I don't tend to mention them as people would think I've lost my marbles, but I totally get it.