This is life (after passing of DH)

[Hisredipad]

I spent a while searching for a post to join in but didn’t find anything like I wanted.

I just want somewhere to pop daily and say things I can’t say IRL.

fell free to join me

today was our big anniversary and im feeling sad he’s not here to celebrate it with but I bought myself something I saw yesterday im sure he would have bought me. Bizarrely opened a drawer just a moment ago and found last year’s anniversary card and the sweet words he’d written.

Happy anniversary DH, xx years were the best ever xxxxx

Oh @Hisredipad sending love to you for your wobble on the way home and a massive well done for going. I do think we are bloody brave. It’s horrible when you realise they’re no longer there to go home to.
i struggle when I come home after dropping my son off at school and still say a wobbly “hi love” to the empty houses
The one thing I think is my husband would have hated all this heat. As do I.
@Emptyandsad that sounds like a good arrangement. I want to talk and talk about him and what happened but very soon I’ll run out of people and their patience.
i should be trying to sleep but am looking for a funeral dress whilst thinking how bonkers is this?! I do have one that I wore to his dad’s funeral not long ago but if it’s a hot day there’s no way I can wear it. I spend my life too hot at the moment anyway. How terribly sad is it to choose a dress for your own husband’s funeral.

I am so very sorry to hear of your loss, I really am. I really hope that you're coping as well as you can ❤

@BluebellShmoobell Same. It was nearly 32 years ago for me now, and I lost our son on 30th April this year. I've gone to SoBS once so far, but I feel very cheated.

I was thinking - and I hope this isn't a trigger for anyone - perhaps if it is, you should report my post for deletion - but I was thinking over the last few days that I survived my DP loss by focusing on our son, and he 'made it' past the age that his dad died, so I took a breath. The same length of time and more had passed since his dad died, and so I was thinking the last few days where will I be, how old will I be by the time my son's lifetime has passed, and I'll be 85. I don't think that I can wait that long or carry this with me until then, tbh. I just want to get my stuff sorted, the house purchase and insurance in place and then go to him. I don't wait to wait another 'lifetime' and feel I should be there to comfort my son.

I won't do anything, of course. But I'm not going to make it to 85, that much I know for certain.

saw the macmillan fund raising youngsters coming up the drive earlier today knocking on the door. The lounge is next to the front door and the net was pulled back as I’d had the window open before it started to rain. But I didn’t want to open the door. I didn’t want to speak to anybody from a cancer charity. He then clocked me through the window, but I was chatting on video call to my daughter-in-law I just ignored him. I bet he thought I was extremely rude. Normally, I feel really safe in the house. It threw me a bit today.

I was messaging my cousin who lives aboard this evening about my doom and gloom, she seems to think it’s just a matter of course and it never goes away.

I tried twice to do my hobby thing today and twice I mucked it up. Back on the sofa, it seems safer there. I found a nice cook ready meal in the freezer and did actually managed to haul myself into the kitchen to cook it and some rice.

I got a bit obsessed about a dress and bought 7 I think. Returned 5. (Kept one because it was only £19 in the sale and very simple, thought it might be useful.) I love the dress I wore, from Arket. I didn't have any arrangements to make or anything practical to do (long distance relationship, his family did everything) and weird things took on way too much importance for me in that time.

I have 3 more weeks of uni with my final academic deadline at the end of it, and thus only 3 more weeks where I am only expected in work two days a week. Then after that I'm back to work full time until I've achieved my requisite practice hours. (And then I'll still be at work full time except at least I'll be back in my usual team and won't have someone assessing me all the time!) I'm getting quite worried about it, I find when I'm there it's fine, but I'm completely exhausted at the end of each day, and the idea of doing that 5 days a week is rather daunting. But then I don't want to drag it out longer as I desperately want the whole thing to be finished!

You should be really proud of yourself @atiaofthejulii. You’ve achieved so much during such an awful time. Id be daunted too about going back full time, I’ve been able to choose when and how much work I want to do (the perk of being the boss I suppose) but I too am facing a need to get back to doing a LOT more and also know I am faced with making decisions that primarily DH would have made and that’s rather scary.

I want to stop feeling the waves of something I can’t describe, I want to feel OK, I want to be able to think straight because I think my allowed grief time is running out and I’ll be expected to be ‘getting over it’ when in theory I think I’ve not actually started grieving.

DH drove the works large van, but now I am faced with a project we need it for in August so I’m going on a course to learn how to reverse it soon. I was supposed to do it last year but never got round to it but the other person who could drive it retired recently so now it’s something else I have to do.

Day 4 and I feel ok today. Lots of things to think about with the funeral has been keeping me busy. I so want to get it all right for him. None of this feels real. Like I know he has gone and he is never coming back but it's not really hit me yet. Yesterday I spent time with his family, aunts and uncles and cousins and I felt like a fraud. Everyone was cuddling me saying how sorry they were yet I didn't feel anything, nothing at all, just numb. I know it is very very early days but I expected to be more upset at this point. I know it's coming at some point and it will absolutely knock me out.
Today I went shopping - I need a new dress to wear to the funeral but also I don't want to stop doing the things I would normally do and then they grow into big things that I'll avoid later so might as well just do them now.
I totally get what people mean when they say just put one foot in front of the other. Thoughts have been popping into my head like what will I do if my car breaks down? Will I ever sleep on his side of the bed? What will I do his clothes? Then I remember I don't need to deal with any of these things right now I just need to breathe and get through the day.

@ByHisSideAlways what you’ve described is very much what I’ve been through. Keeping busy gave me some normality but things do slow down. Most of DH’s clothes are still in our bedroom, it’s been six months now. Tbh I can’t really comprehend how ive got to the six month anniversary and not been a lot more organised. Upstairs the house is a tip, I try my best downstairs, I’m not good a preparing meals or cooking, although I do try to cook nutritious meals but they have to be something quick. Better days ‘fund’ my bad days as I try and batch cook on better days, do the washing and have mad tidy ups. I’m hoping one day I’ll wake up and realise I’ve a tidy house and more meals in the freezer than I need.

@Spooky2000 do you know I was thinking along very similar lines last night. I just want to get my son to adulthood with a lovely girl I can trust and a family, and then my job will be done.
And I hope too that this hasn’t upset anyone. People who would give anything for a longer life. I hope they’re not reading this. Because my perspective has changed so much.
Also I’ve no idea if I’ve managed to quote properly sorry.
@Hisredipad feeling safe is a big thing for me too. What your cousin said seems a common theme. It doesn’t get better. In a way I don’t want it to because I want to believe that this will all go away and he’ll come back to me. I don’t want the closeness to go, but on the other hand it’s very daunting.
And I just want to hug you when you say you feel your allowed grieving time is running out. I really hope people don’t act if that’s the case. With you or me.
You’re incredible still running the business. It must be so lonely making the decisions. And the course to reverse the van! Be bloody proud of yourself.
@atiaofthejulii what you’ve achieved in this time is nothing short of amazing.
Which reminds me that I need to make a GP appointment to get a sick note as my leave will only go up to the day of the funeral I think. I must check. I can’t imagine going back to work. I keep crying, my brain is just not working, so I will definitely stay off until the start of the new school term in September to look after my son. I may desperately need a distraction by then but I will feel guilty as I used it as a distraction when my husband was ill.
@Hisredipad I like your thought that your better days fund your bad days. I’m going to work on that.
@ByHisSideAlways you’re right, breathing and getting through the day are enough. The future is too much to contemplate. My son keeps asking what will happen at Christmas and it brings me to a complete panic. I’ve always been a massive Christmas fan and although a bit baffled at the beginning, my husband loved my excitement and enjoyment. Now the very thought makes me sick. As does anything we loved doing.
Thank you for all being here.
I’m going to take my husband’s clothes to the funeral director tomorrow. Awful.

@Hisredipad I also like the idea of better days funding the bad ones. I'm struggling to keep on top of the house...that was DH's job!

@Sunshineandbluesky I totally understand what you mean - I wouldn't care if I died tomorrow. There is no one in this world that will miss me as much as I miss him. I just want us to be together again. I'm not going to do anything about it but I won't fight it when death comes looking for me.

This morning I did a pregnancy test. DH has been clear from the very beginning, even before we were together, that he didn't want children and never wavered. He wanted long lies and the freedom to do whatever we wanted. I was very much on the fence about children and could have gone either way. Yesterday on Instagram I saw two different women with children they had since their partners had died and I guess I let my mind go to all the 'what ifs'. So I spoke to DH this morning and said it was entirely his choice. If he wanted me to have a baby then he could make it positive but if he didn't he could make it negative. It was negative. I know this is the right thing. 99% of me knows we would never of had children anyway but I guess when he was here it was still an option and now that has been taken from me. I'll never be a mum and this is where he ends.

How's day 6 been @ByHisSideAlways ?
Those early days seemed endless, I remember realising it had been a fortnight and it already felt like forever.

Did you take clothes to the funeral director @Sunshineandbluesky ? Was it ok?

When's your reversing course @Hisredipad ?

I'm having a bad day today, just no capacity for anything. I got grumpy with my daughter over University Challenge 🙄🙄🙄 and I've snapped at the dog. I'm going to try to go to bed now, I haven't been asleep before 1am for days and I'm so tired.

@ByHisSideAlways I’m so sorry. And I’m sorry that I can’t think of one way to make you feel better.
Yes @atiaofthejulii I took his comfy clothes. A friend came with me. I put a pair of my worn socks in his pockets and wore his t shirt for a week beforehand but I never realised it would be so hard. Like giving away another bit of him. The funeral director gave me a lock of his hair but it was tiny and didn’t look the right colour.
Today has been incredibly busy getting things sorted for next week. Tomorrow will too. We’ve had so long to organise I don’t understand how there’s so much pressure now. I’ve brought photos up to bed with me to choose for the order of service and the whatever you call it when they play music and lots of photos.
I’m sorry you’ve had such a grumpy day. It just has to come out somehow doesn’t it. I hope you get a good night’s sleep and feel a bit better tomorrow.
What a strange awfully sad life this is.

@atiaofthejulii - I hope you have managed to get a better sleep and feel a bit better tomorrow.
@Sunshineandbluesky - is the funeral next week?

Day 6 hasn't been too bad. I met my aunt for a bit then had an appointment at the hairdressers. The appointment was made 2 months ago when I had my last one. I really didn't want to go, I feel like I'm betraying him when I'm doing normal every day things but I knew if I didn't go it would just become a big thing it doesn't need to be. I've known my hairdresser for years and she's lovely so it was ok.
Backstory - I met DH 7 years ago when I joined his workplace. We both left a few months later. Anyway...the woman sitting next to me at the hairdressers had also worked there too at the same time. I haven't seen her in 7 years. So that was nice but then I had to tell her about DH. She said some really lovely things about him which was good to hear.
I had a good cry tonight. I just want us to be together again. The only person I want to talk to about all of this is him. I want to see him smile and hear him laugh again. I know I am so lucky as our relationship was amazing. He was such a good man and was totally devoted to me. His whole life revolved around me and he treated me like a princess. We never argued or said things we didn't mean. I told him I loved him every single day and he showed me that he loved me at every opportunity. I have absolutely no regrets about anything and I am trying to be grateful for that.
DH donated his organs and yesterday I received beautiful pins and a letter thanking us (DH's family) for supporting organ donation. That was nice and has brought a lot of comfort to us.

I'm currently listening to 'Us Three' by Ruth Jones and spoiler alert someone died in it. I was not expecting this but it was nice to acknowledge that other people (even in fiction books) are going through this. I'm almost finished the audiobook but might actually go looking for a book that talks about grief for my next listen.
Tomorrow I am going to the hospital to collect DH's belongings and hand in a card and biscuits to the wards he was on then I'll look out his clothes to take to the funeral director and think about some things I would like to add to the eulogy.

I’m into month 7. Not quite sure how I got here and have decided tomorrow is the day I’m ringing the local hospice to put my name down for counselling. A friend came today who lost her DH in 2023 did it and said I wouldn’t regret it so I’ve decided to put my big girls pants on and make the call. (There’s at least a three month waiting list so perhaps I should have done it at the three month mark as apparently the six month mark is a good point to do it).

Had a lot going on these past few days but have been reading all your posts and thinking of you all. It’s the yo-yoing I think is the hardest and the waves of trauma that wash over you when you least expect it. Friend and I were sat in the kitchen and the tv was on in the lounge (for the dog, he likes a bit of tv company) and for the briefest of moments I forgot DH had passed away and in my mind he was in the lounge with the dog.

DH and I spoke a fair bit about what I’d do once he’d gone but I never actually thought I’d be doing it, I thought he’d live to a ripe old age like his father and all his grandparents (his mum died in an accident). I have an idea of what I want to do with my life but I’ll wait until the first anniversary has happened and then make a plan to work towards it if I still feel inclined.

I’ve got a rotten project to get out of the way this week and then if I can get shot of it I am going to book my vehicle training next week if they’ve got a slot. I’m rather scared but I’m not telling anyone other than you lot that.

I did a huge filing exercise today which my colleagues were pleased about, my desk is awful, I found the wooden top, and one of them cleaned it for me whilst I’d popped out. After a difficult few weeks of nothing coming together properly I had four things turn ok today.

I’ve been watching the great house revival on catchup TV as there’s nothing triggering (well not so far) and I feel it’s the safest thing to watch, well other than the weather, shame I didn’t see the report on Monday about Tuesday, popped out with the dog and two mins from home got drenched to my knickers, not sure my trainers will recover.

I’m actually abroad visiting the relatives for the first time on my own.
It’s not panned out as expected - one of the elderly aunts is in hospital - no visitors allowed. The other was too frail to attend the family wedding on Saturday.
I’m using hotels - partly to stop relatives from arguing over where I’m staying, partly to make sure I can be on my own when I need to be.

it’s been 4 yrs. Even now, I find myself wanting to to tell DH something or to give a bit of family news to Mum (10 yrs) or Dad (14yrs) something.

Still find myself berating DH for leaving me on my own!

I only know a bit of the language. Want to tell them that I refused to let a exchange bureau tried to rip me off. Managed “That rate is low!” And when asked how much I wanted to change “only 50 at that rate”.

”Hoe much would you change?”

”100”.

I got the proper rate. Go me!

@WearyAuldWumman Go YOU! Enormously proud of you getting there and standing up for yourself. I’ve just slumped on the sofa, organised a lot today so hopefully going forward a few things will be ok, or better than expected. It’s definitely a pie and veg night for dinner, just escaped getting wet walking the dog.

@Hisredipad - Did you make the phone call about the counselling? Well done on the filing exercise and getting things organised. I'm proud of you!
@WearyAuldWumman - sorry to hear your trip hasn't panned out how you were expecting. Well done getting the proper rate though, I'm so proud of you too!

Today I went back to the hospital to hand in cards and biscuits and collect DH's belongings. I can't believe it has been a week. Visiting the hospital was difficult as whilst DH was in hospital we had hope that he would come home to us so it felt strange being there knowing that he wasn't coming back.
I'm finding the evenings quite difficult just now. DH and I didn't have any friends just each other so every night when I wasn't at work we would sit down and watch tv together. Now he's not here. The house is so quiet and I don't really know what to do with myself. I have lots of things I could be organising but I just can't be bothered to be honest. I also know that when the funeral is over my whole world will crumble and I can't face that so it's like I'm trying to procrastinate to stop the funeral happening then I can remain in this limbo state forever.
I haven't cried at all today. DBIL had a good laugh about things DH said or did in the past so that was nice. I'm worried about the relationship I'll have with my inlaws in the future. I want to try hard to maintain regular contact as I know that is what DH would have wanted, I just hope that's what they want too.

I think today I'll try and change my day up a bit as I really don't want to be home in the evening. I've wrote a to do list to keep me busy - collect sick line, collect funeral dresses I have ordered, tidy DH wardrobe and chose the clothes for the funeral director and speak to the bank. I still don't have a death certificate but have an appointment with the registry office so hopefully that will get sorted today.
I finished the audiobook I was listened to and have now started 'The Madness of Grief' by The Reverend Richard Coles about the passing of his husband in 2019. I'm literally 10 mins into it but so far it seems good. I've found putting my big headphones on and listening to something, anything, gets me out of my own head for a bit.

I'm finding this thread such a comfort. It's so good to be able to talk about my experience of loss - and I continue, 5 years in, to discover new things about it - and to hear how you all are coping.

When my wife died I definitely lost my mojo. Things that I used to do - and enjoyed doing - I know just put off, because there doesn't seem any point. It might just be a bit of gardening. I think "I could weed the beds" but then I think that it doesn't matter, because nobody gives a shit whether I do or not. When DW was here we would do it together or, if i did it, she would notice and appreciate it. And that applies to almost everything: cleaning the house, putting my clothes away after I've washed them... I've become like a teenager - "there's no point putting my clothes in drawers, I'm just going to get them out again in a day or two", so I leave them on the window seat in my bedroom. At least I'm still washing them 🤣🤣

@ByHisSideAlways I also wanted to keep in touch with the in-laws. It hasn't really worked out. At my stepson's wedding in May we all met up and I finally realised, and accepted, that they just aren't my people. We got on really well while she was alive but they're not local to me and that connection just isn't there without her. Trying to maintain the relationship was awkward and left me feeling resentful and I've decided to just let them go. I'm close to my stepson and I hope that relationship will continue.

I've got great comfort from reading this thread and have been following since you started it OP.

Today is the first anniversary of my DH dying. As I mentioned in my previous post he was only 59. So this time last year we were at the hospice, devastated. Today, me and my two DC will lay some flowers at the crematorium and spend some quiet moments before having lunch together somewhere to raise a glass to his memory.

Big hugs to everyone else who has experienced this loss xx

@SparklyGlitterballs im so pleased you can draw some comfort from the posts here, and hope the same for everyone. Grief for me is another journey in life ive decided. A bit like my own cancer journey from 2007 which morphed into something I did a long time ago. I’m hoping the feelings of grief fade. I walked the dog this morning and shed a tear as it was a place we went to a lot together and in the last months of his life I was looking forward to him being well enough to walk the dog with me once more (looking back I think I must have been on a different planet).

@Emptyandsad I’ve been the same with clothes, except they just sit in the basket, I’ve also been known to skip a shower if I know im not going out but I’ve pulled myself up on that. I bought a new loo seat at least three months ago, still sitting in the bath (in the spare bathroom) waiting for me to fit it. Like you say, there’s no one to see things or appreciate what you’ve done.

@ByHisSideAlways i agree, keeping busy is something that stems the difficult times but at some point we do need to put our feet up. I’ve chosen simple TV documentaries to watch as I hope theyll have no triggers. Looking forward to Humans later and also the new series of the great British sewing bee.

@WearyAuldWumman hope the trip is going better and you get home safely

I failed to book my grief counselling as I was in meetings all day yesterday. It’s on the top of my list of things to do (still).

sending you all big virtual hugs xxx

So ridiculous the things that set us off, took a cauli out of the fridge and thought actually I’d like a cauliflower cheese and veg bake, whilst making it I realised I haven’t made it since DH passed, it was one of his favourites and his Christmas cheddars have just gone in the sauce.

I meant to post this last night but was sorting funeral arrangements until gone midnight.
Well done @WearyAuldWumman ! Very impressive. I hope the fact it hasn’t gone as expected hasn’t been disappointing. @Hisredipad I’m impressed too that you got stuff organised. Well done both of you!
Awful day yesterday here and I need to get off here and get my act together. Went to the chapel of rest to see the coffin earlier - hideous. Now trying to choose photos for the order of service leaflet and panicking and internet not working properly and I’m useless anyway. And poems I wanted can’t be fitted in so have to change those asap.
also overwhelmed with missing my lovely husband. Overwhelmed. Sorry. Rubbish post.

Now I’ll try and act sane and reply to everyone else.
@ByHisSideAlways I wondered if that Richard Cole’s book was worth reading. At the moment I feel like I’ll never read again.
@Emptyandsad your post made me laugh a little bit because my husband used to say why hang his coat up in the hallway if he was going to use it again the next day.
I’m really glad that you’ve kept in touch with your stepson. It’s such a strange thing with relatives isn’t it? I’m desperate to see all my husband’s, even though we didn’t see each other that much and they’re not that close by. I think they represent a bit of him.
I’m so sorry @SparklyGlitterballs so so sorry. I really hope you had a good lunch with your friends.
@Hisredipad I definitely find comfort here but I’m sure I’m said it before - how can there be this awful world of losing a partner that I never knew about before?
I feel so sorry for us all.
Oh @Hisredipad I’m sending a hug for the cauliflower and veg bake ☹️.
I’m missing my husband so much it’s unbearable and dreading next week’s funeral even though it’s been so long since he died. I just cannot fathom that I can’t see him again. I just can’t bear it.