This is life (after passing of DH)

[Hisredipad]

I spent a while searching for a post to join in but didn’t find anything like I wanted.

I just want somewhere to pop daily and say things I can’t say IRL.

fell free to join me

today was our big anniversary and im feeling sad he’s not here to celebrate it with but I bought myself something I saw yesterday im sure he would have bought me. Bizarrely opened a drawer just a moment ago and found last year’s anniversary card and the sweet words he’d written.

Happy anniversary DH, xx years were the best ever xxxxx

Oh @Sunshineandbluesky so sorry you’re feeling this way, it’s so hard how grief tears you apart, I’m glad you were able to phone the Samaritans and hope they helped you.

sending you some very gentle hugs that tomorrow is an easier day xxx

I too have spoken to the Samaritans when things have been bad. It is an opportunity to offload without feeling you are burdening family and friends who will have their own sadness.

Strangely, one of the things that has comforted me has been the knowledge that this same thing happens to people all round the world every day - why that should be a comfort I have no idea. Maybe it is the idea that it is simply nature's cycle and we are all a part of it. Does not make me miss him any the less of course.

Thank you @Hisredipad and @Mischance for taking the time to reply. The gentle hugs are needed tonight @Hisredipad . The man I spoke to was very kind but I needed to talk for longer.
Strangely @Mischance it doesn’t help to know about this whole other world I never knew about. Although when I read something on the news app about Trump and wars I actually thought ‘bring it on’, you can’t hurt or worry me now.
Thank you again for creating this space @Hisredipad .

I also phoned the Samaritans, the day after DH died. It really did help.

@Sunshineandbluesky

A few times, I've got through things by telling myself "Well, the worst thing possible has already happened to me."

@Sunshineandbluesky sorry it's so hard. I think you just have to sort of surrender yourself to the had days. I wish there were shortcuts and we didn't have to go through all of this. (Always reminds me of We're Going on a Bear Hunt.) I hope you've woken up this morning feeling a little calmer, a little stronger for this new day.

Thank you @atiaofthejulii Im worse than ever today, I’ve also had a huge argument with my mother who says I’m going to end up in a psychiatric institution if I carry on like this and my son will get taken away by social services. We are not a shouty slangy family. We are close and supportive and don’t speak like that.
I just can’t help myself today. I feel like it’s the end of the world and want my darling husband so badly. I cannot believe that I will never see him again.
im sorry for posting like this and am scared that people will recognise me on here.

Oh I'm very angry with your mum for saying that. My mum is pretty crap with all this as well, but I knew that and tried not to expect too much. (We're close, but from dealing with a previous bereavement, I knew she wasn't going to be able to be a rock for me.) I think mothers so much want us to be ok that they can't always deal with it very well when we're not. Not everyone is good at sitting with uncomfortable feelings.

You are going to get through this but it's awful and painful. Give yourself one or two things you want to get done today, and no pressure.

@Sunshineandbluesky I can’t get over how some people can suddenly be so difficult. It’s almost as if they feel they need to say something to make you feel better, but the reality is it would’ve been better if they’ve kept their mouth shut.

I’m wondering if maybe you should seek help from your GP OP. I don’t think you should just try and carry on thinking that you will get over this or it will pass. You may need some help. You’ve been very brave by acknowledging this already and ringing the Samaritans. Perhaps now it is time to ring your GP.

Wish I had a magic wand and I could just wave it over your head and make it all go away but I can only hope that day on day you will find some strength and peace.

Sending you more gentle hugs for today and just to say you can always come back and say more here in this safe place if you wish don’t forget if you look back on something and think you have been outing Mum‘s net will always delete it.

it’s at times like this then I think the camaraderie within this group would be then lovely to be able to crowd you and give you a big proper hug. As we can’t do that, I’m sure we can all give you a big virtual one.Xxx

I agree with @Hisredipad that calling your GP would be a good idea, @Sunshineandbluesky.

After DH died, I got a phone call from his friend - apparently he'd had phone trouble and somehow thought that I might have phoned him using DH's mobile.

I recall sobbing down the phone and saying "I just want him back." The response - not meant unkindly was "Well, that's no goin tae happen..."

It's a bloody awful feeling. Do phone your GP. Ignore your mum's thoughtless comment.

I'm so very sorry to read this :( Grief does come in waves I've found, and no-one knows how long that wave goes on for. When my partner died, I just...couldn't think, or speak and the devastation, the realisation (but not the acknowledgement) seemed unending. I remember I was pregnant with our son at the time and I ate boil in the bag food whenever I needed to eat because I didn't want to cook, and I ate only because I HAD to. All my love to you, my thoughts and goodwill <3 xx

Morning all. My goodness I just want a break.

@Sunshineandbluesky how was the rest of Monday? How's Tuesday looking?

@Spooky2000 my friends sent me vouchers for Cook Food (frozen homemade style ready meals) and my daughters filled the freezer. I couldn't think about food but I could pick up whatever was on top and microwave it.

I was devastated for a long time. A friend said that he thought I was depressed and I said that I wasn't depressed, I was 'appropriately sad'. Because, as you all know, you're left, after the death of a partner, as if you're on a sailing boat in the middle of an ocean, with your mast broken, sails lost overboard, no land in sight, no maps in your locker and your rudder fallen off. Your future has gone, the person with whom you could have faced making a new future has gone and it all seems unbelievable and pointless. You're so alone

And here I am, nearly 5 years on. You learn how to live with it, mainly by closing parts of yourself down. I feel like a man much reduced

finally got some information on local grief counselling. It seems like I misunderstood how it happens here. I thought they were in contact around the six months mark but apparently you voice an interest in it and they contact you when you get to the top of their list which could be another three months.
My friend who was kind enough to look into it for me that suggested I sign up for it now and then I’ve got the luxury of cancelling it if I get that far down the line and feel I don’t need it, however, there’s like a triage appointment for getting on the list and im not sure I want to talk to anyone yet, I might look for a group thing, sit on the edge and see how I feel about it.

Personally, I’ve gained a huge amount just chatting here. I’m beginning to learn that although I feel there’s no release from the devastation at the time it engulfs me it does fade, and as you say @Emptyandsad appropriately sad is definitely a good description because I don’t feel depressed all the time, I have these waves of appropriately sad moments and sometimes they are brief moments and sometimes they are huuuuge.

Yes, I'd agree that that is what it's like.

I'd hoped for counselling, but none was available. (Had contacted Cruse.) I tried a Bereavement Cafe. The lady who runs it has some kind of connection with Cruse.

The irony is that I was asked if I'd be prepared to act as an interpreter for them - I did a language at uni that might have been useful. I agreed...

Next thing, I got a phone call from a young man confirming that I'd agreed. Turned out they didn't want me to interpret. Oh no. Could I "just" translate a "short" leaflet?

Said leaflet was about 15 (short) pages long. They wanted me to translate from English into the target language. I explained that usually you have a native speaker style check/proofread the translation. Oh, they'd use A.I. Nope. That's not how it works.

I thought I'd at least make a start...and came across immediate difficulties to do with the way certain concepts are translated in the target language. Ploughed on.

Then I got another communication. For "ethical" and "legal" reasons, was I signed up as an official interpreter. (Can't remember the precise wording of the last bit.)

I got that by text. Texted back, told them "No," and declined further input.

Hello, I found this thread last night and, although I haven't read it all, from what I have read you all sound very supportive and loving towards each other.
My beautiful, kind, incredible DH died yesterday. He had been in hospital for 6 weeks and although there were days I did think of this as the outcome I tried so hard to be positive and think he was coming home.
In many ways the last 48 hours have been beautiful. I got to spend a long time with him and was even allowed to get into bed beside him which is something I will truly cherish forever. I got to say everything I wanted to say and I have no regrets about anything.
He was, is, and always will be my number one person and the love of my life.
I am so very sorry to each and every one of you who has walked this devastating path. I am now one of the gang no one wants to join. I'm sure I'll be back here soon.

Sending kind thoughts. I am glad you were able to share those special moments at the end. So precious.

Oh @ByHisSideAlways I’m so so sorry that this has happened to you too. I think it’s awful that this is a side of life that I didn’t even know was happening before now.
I’m so glad your last 48 hours were beautiful.
I will always regret that I didn’t move the chair up to my husband’s bed and hold his hand. I have no idea why I didn’t. I think I was too scared to think straight and of course never dreamt I’d not be with him again. I look back and think what a missed chance to give him more of my love and to feel him again.
@WearyAuldWumman that is such a crazy story! What the hell are people like!
@Hisredipad I’ve got like a triage telephone appointment next week but only because she saw that my name was down with my son’s and said she’ll do mine now. She said it would be months before the counselling and it’s usually months before this initial phone call.
Maybe it might help me more then. Maybe.
Thank you too for your lovely kind words when I last posted.
@Emptyandsad yes, you’re right. It is appropriately sad. Of course you’re going to be sad. I think I’m going insane at the moment it hurts so much. But I’ve read that this is normal. Pity someone else wouldn’t tell my parents.
I have been reading. Just not in a place to reply. Still just under a fortnight until the funeral. I did say that I didn’t care how long it was away but now that I can’t see him, the wait seems pointless.
My son had a first set of bereavement counselling yesterday but refused to engage. This must be like hell for him missing his dad so much.
So just saying thank you for your kindness everyone and sending love and support to you too.

@ByHisSideAlways I'm so sorry. We're here. You can say whatever you need to. I hope we can provide a bit of understanding.

I'm glad you were able to spend such lovely time with him.

Thank you for replying @Sunshineandbluesky @atiaofthejulii & @Mischance I could talk about him forever, he truly was the most incredible person. He was 38. 38 years old and he's gone. The future I had planned is now gone.
Today has been strange. I don't think I have cried once. I keep thinking he is at work or even still at the hospital and I'll see him soon. I have an appointment at the funeral directors tomorrow and we'll start making arrangements.
Thank you to the op for setting up this thread. I think I'll be here a lot

@ByHisSideAlways so sorry for your loss especially of someone so young. I hope you find comfort amongst us.

I’m away at a family event which has been extremely happy and a breath of fresh air, it’s been good to have some distraction but I’m very much dreading heading home on Saturday. Im a bit concerned about myself and how I’ll be when I get there. @WearyAuldWumman im a bit disgusted by Cruse’s treatment of you, I think im wondering if I will bother with counselling, im too worried it will make me worse, think I’ll buy a few books or go to the library and see how I am a few months on. It just seems another difficult part of the loss of my life, if it’s not going to useful or positive then I’ll not bother.

its been very strange being here on my own without DH and I found myself thinking it will be good to get home and see him, one of those flash thoughts before reality comes crashing back down.

@WearyAuldWumman I contacted CRUSE and spoke to a lovely woman who encouraged me to ring back. So I did and spoke to a different woman who basically told me to get off the phone and visit their website. I didn't try them again

I think having someone to talk to can be really helpful. It doesn't have to be a qualified counsellor (in my opinion), but it does have to be someone with whom you have a connection and probably not a friend - because you need to feel you can bore them rigid with the repetitive nature of your grief and be entirely selfish about it. So a professional relationship is important. I eventually found a lovely retired lady who volunteered for a local charity, and we just hit it off. I saw her once a week for 6 or 7 weeks, wept a lot and really benefitted from getting it all off my chest. At the time I had turned I to a bit of a recluse and sometimes she was the only person I spoke to all week

@Emptyandsad, thanks, maybe I’ll just have a look for someone local and independent.

Hi, i run a monthly bereavement group. I lost my partner 22 years ago I was also pregnant at the time with our son.
The group is mostly widows of all ages but I do have a younger widow meet up for those in their 50s and 60s.
Its a very relaxed group, I specify its not a counselling/therapy group, we meet up in a cafe and mostly the conversation will start with general chit chat, but then someone will say something like 'all my friends have disappeared ' ' or they dont get im still grieving " and then the conversation just flows. There are tears sometimes but mostly its a group where everyone gets it and they feel free to open up without fear of upsetting anyone or making others feel.awkward.

Had a big wobble and a few tears as I came up the slip road off the motorway and down into the village where we live.

When I got home, the dog was desperate for a wee so it was in the front door out the back door and everything was okay

Now sitting on the sofa with a monster cup of tea and it’s so hot here. Got all the windows and doors open and it’s baking.