This is life (after passing of DH)

[Hisredipad]

I spent a while searching for a post to join in but didn’t find anything like I wanted.

I just want somewhere to pop daily and say things I can’t say IRL.

fell free to join me

today was our big anniversary and im feeling sad he’s not here to celebrate it with but I bought myself something I saw yesterday im sure he would have bought me. Bizarrely opened a drawer just a moment ago and found last year’s anniversary card and the sweet words he’d written.

Happy anniversary DH, xx years were the best ever xxxxx

@Sunshineandbluesky, it’s not a rubbish post, it’s how you’re feeling and it’s hardly surprising in view of everything. Just try to remember to breathe and do one thing at a time. Thinking of you. Xx

No need to try to act sane here! All irrational or unsayable thoughts are able to be voiced. No judgement.

I think I've passed the bewilderment stage and have accepted that he's not here. It's just as shit!

@Sunshineandbluesky I hated it when people said/say to me that I'm doing well, because I wanted to say I'm not, it's awful and it's really hard and I hate it. But despite it all being awful and difficult, you are doing it. And that is admirable.

A friend said to me the day after his funeral that she was in awe of my strength - strong was absolutely the last thing I was feeling at the time, and she replied, "strength is opening your eyes each morning. Strength is feeling your heart break." I've come to think there's a strength in honesty - in being able to say to people that my heart is broken, that I'm finding life hard, that I'm seeing a counsellor - even if (especially if?) I sort of look ok on the outside.

My husband died at the begining of April.
He was 69 and had oesophageal cancer.
I'm broken..I want to talk about him..don't want to forget him..feel guilty if I don't talk about him.
I feel lost and it's scary having to deal with things that I didn't have to deal with before.Im proud of myself when I managed to accomplish something that I normally would have left to him.Small victories along the way
Iv lost all interest in the garden.but hopefully it will return.
Hugs for you all are with me in this sad place in our lives

I'm so sorry to hear that @pestowithwalnuts and I'd love to hear more about your husband. I'm glad you're celebrating those small victories - they might look small but they are significant.

@pestowithwalnuts I’m sorry for your loss, do come and chat to us about your DH, I’ve lost my mojo a lot, especially with the garden but I keep a pair of secateurs on the windowsill next to the back door and sometimes when I head to sit outside I take them with me a cut maybe two or three things, sometimes jobs are easier in little bites.

@atiaofthejulii your post was a brilliant summing up of what I’ve been trying to work out was a way to describe my feelings at the moment. Your friend has wise words.

@Emptyandsad & @SparklyGlitterballs - I'm glad you both find comfort in this thread. I am only one week in and I really do hope this thread continues as it has already been so supportive. It's really good for me to hear from others who are further down the road and how they have coped.
@Emptyandsad - I absolutely get what you mean about there being no one here to see the effort you put in and the things you do. I like to think DH is all around me and that he would notice so I'm trying to do things for him but I understand how difficult that can be. I'm so sorry it didn't work out with your in laws, that must be really tough.
@SparklyGlitterballs - how was DH's anniversary? I hope it was a peaceful day for you.
@Hisredipad - I hope you get the counselling sorted today. I hope you enjoyed your dinner last night, I'm sure your DH would be pleased to know his cheeses have been put to good use.
@Sunshineandbluesky - sorry to hear you had a rubbish day. Your post was not rubbish, you're telling us how you feel and that's so important. We're all here to support you.

We have the death certificate now so I guess it's time to get the ball rolling with the funeral arrangements. Yesterday was tough. Seeing the cause of death on the certificate was really hard. I already know exactly what happened but seeing it in black and white made it feel more really. Last night I went to my mums to show her the dresses I had bought. I feel like the funeral is the last thing I can do for DH so I want to look nice for him and make sure things are as perfect as they can be. It was good to not be home in the evening as I find that is when I am struggling most so I'll try that again today. I still haven't sorted the clothes for the funeral director, I really must do that this morning. There's lots of other practical things to sort out today so that will keep me busy.

Sending everyone big hugs

@atiaofthejulii - you're absolutely right. Each of us are carrying around broken hearts but we have made it through every tough day and that is something to be proud of.
Hello @pestowithwalnuts - please talk about your DH here, we would all love to hear about him. I am also very scared about everything. DH treated me like a princess and took care of all the practical things - DIY, the car, holidays, money so it's not only the loss of him but also the minefield that is working out a new way to live and deal with things you never had to worry about before.
@Hisredipad - Yesterday I heard the saying 'how do you eat an elephant? one bite at a time' and it's so true. Small bites lead to getting the job done eventually.

This morning feels strange. I've gone back to thinking DH is just at work and I feel ok like very calm and not upset at all. Then I consider if I am a psychopath who doesn't have any feelings or perhaps I didn't really love him after all if this is how ok I am?

@ByHisSideAlwaysthe anniversary was ok. Me and our two DDs went to the crematorium to lay flowers where his ashes are scattered. Then went for a light lunch nearby to talk about him and share memories. It was very peaceful.

Just want to say that I’m thinking of you all and I recognise what people are saying.

Thought I’d have a quiet morning as I hadn’t slept well and headed for the sofa with the intention of snoozing through a film. Chose Lyle, Lyle Crocodile for some odd reason, definitely a bad choice and exceedingly triggering for sad reasons I’m not sure I can describe. My planned day of sorting, cleaning tidying etc went out the window and I’ve only just started to feel ok, helped by two chocolate bars and copious amounts of tea and a super simple air fryer dinner of scampi with a coleslaw I had left from yesterday.

frustrated I’ve wasted my Saturday. Walked the dog and was told by a neighbour of some concerning criminal activity gone in the estate in the past week, so came home and bolted the side gate and have been rethinking my safety (a neighbour disturbed someone trying to break into their home). Thank good the dog barking sounds exceedingly ferocious.

Another reason I hate being in the house without DH.

Hello. @atiaofthejulii I guess that’s right. Just walking up every day and enduring is being brave. And being brave enough to be honest will be a major thing for me. I’m having to be very brave asking friends first help.
@pestowithwalnuts I’m so so sorry. I hope you find being here of some comfort. I know I have and will be forever grateful for @Hisredipad .
Yes @ByHisSideAlways the death certificate is so hard isn’t it. I found the finality and the finality of everything having to admit on forms that he doesn’t exist any more so horrible. I had asked the medical examiner what it would say, so at least was prepared but there was one extra thing on it.
@ByHisSideAlways I can feel fleetingly that my husband is in another room and in that time my brain is okay.
Oh @Hisredipad I’m sorry the film made you feel so bad. It’s not fair when we try so hard to help ourselves and that happens.
I went to the hospital pharmacy to pick up my son’s prescription and thought I’d be okay but the rugby was playing on the radio and I left crying my eyes out. I want to tell everyone “you see my husband has died” which is odd for someone so private.
My son has been holed up in the bedroom and I did sleep for a bit but god I’m so lonely. I can’t believe that our lives have been blown apart. I miss my husband so much.

May I pull up a chair and join you ladies (and @Emptyandsad )?
I sat up until gone 4am yesterday/today reading every post - heartbreakingly sad.
It's been a little over 3 years since my lovely husband died.

Sudden, unexpected death - he was home alone at the time.
I was away with friends on a weekend break and couldn't get hold of him on the phone.
Another friend held keys to our house and went in and found him dead in bed.
No suspicious circumstances.
No suicide.
Just a very badly timed ruptured blood vessel.

Life really does turn on a sixpence.

I do think grief makes you slightly insane, for a while and the disbelief is still loitering in the background, though, of course I "know" on another level, that he is not here.

I made a very conscious and determined promise to myself that I would not let myself go down the road of thinking "if only......" and "what if......."
That way of thinking just adds to the torture, IMHO, and serves no purpose other than to make you feel even more bereft than you already feel.

I can relate wholeheartedly, to those feelings of fear (or would terror be a more appropriate word?), regarding having to assume responsibility for those areas of life where your deceased partner took the lead - and knew what they were doing without having to Google it! - but every successful deed done helps a little and even the cock ups afford an opportunity to know what NOT to do next time.

I read somewhere, that when a couple have been together for a while, they almost "share" a brain - you know, that feeling that if I don't remember to do something the other person will, so the team of 2 keep the wheels on and everything turning, as it should.
No wonder it's so exhausting learning to do it all alone.

That's enough for one night.
Thank you all for sharing and listening.

@Hisredipad, I too have days where I achieve nothing so I can relate to that. It's good to hear you have a dog if there's criminal behaviour locally. It's a good deterrent if they bark loud. Time to review your locks on doors and windows I guess. Do you have cctv or ring doorbell?

@Wingedharpy, sorry to hear of your loss and particularly the circumstances. I've found it hard to come to terms with losing DH and he had been ill for ages, so was expected. I can't even imagine how difficult it must be if it's sudden and not expected. I'm slowly getting more confident about getting things done in the house. I'm always grateful for good old Google for advice on simple things, and I've done research and got good contractors for some larger jobs. I have two young adult DDs at home so I think trying to set them a good example spurs me on most days.

Welcome @Wingedharpy and morning to the rest of you.

I'm still having days where I achieve nothing at all, although things are better on that front than they were. What I tell myself is that progress is not linear - it's more two steps forward and one back - so I try to be easy on myself when I wallow a little.

My DW was dead 2 weeks after her diagnosis of cancer - they didn't even get to diagnose where her primary was. Her last 5 days were spent in hospital, heavily sedated and not until the last 24 hours were the medics even acknowledging the possibility that she was going to die then and there. So we never even had a conversation about death. I was busy trying to be upbeat 🙄. And I have (pointlessly) been blaming myself for not having talked to her about it. We talked about everything; so not having spoken to her about such a big thing at the time when she was living with the idea of her death makes me weep. The thought that I left her alone with her thoughts about her death and what it meant for her children and for me is hard to bear, even though I know, intellectually, that a. she didn't know she was dying and b. she was pumped full of morphine and was talking complete nonsense when she wasn't asleep.

Her deterioration and the progress towards death was at such a startling speed that, at the time, I just couldn't get my head round what was going on. She was as fit as a fiddle. We were big walkers and a week before her diagnosis we had walked 20 miles from home through wimbledon common and on to Richmond Park and round the park and back home. How could she be so sick? How could I have not noticed?

Sometimes I wonder how it would have been had her cancer been more treatable. Was it better to have a quick end, or to have had more time together, to get our heads around it, but for her to have had a year or two of illness and pain as her health faded.

All pointless questions. When death turns up there are no better options. Nobody who has lost someone is to be envied for the 'happier' way their life has been ripped apart.

Sometimes I wake in the night and, while still half asleep, I hear a noise and think it's her nipping to the loo.

Sorry for the gloomy start to your Sunday; I'm just having a little moment of missing her and hating that feeling of powerlessness.

welcome @Wingedharpy so sorry for your sudden loss, I like your two brains as one description, I spend a lot of time wondering what DH would do. There’s a couple of things which I’d really like him to just pop down to earth for about 15 minutes and have a jolly good chat about because it would definitely make life a lot easier if I knew what he thought or would do.

I think I’m going to start collecting some of everyone’s words. Those individual words that actually put a label to some of the stuff I feel which when I’ve been asked I can never recall those labels. I think I’m going to start a notebook of what’s going on in my head at certain times because I know if I go to grief counselling and I’m asked I won’t actually be able to come up with anything. I think I might also find it a bit therapeutic. I spoke with my oldest friend yesterday About sometimes feeling that I did my grieving in years gone by when DH was exceptionally unwell and I was really really concerned and worried beyond belief and yet he came out the other side and I berated myself for putting myself through all the stress of those worries when he was heading out of the door to play golf.

This morning started with another set for languishing on the sofa day Then a text to say that the Sainsbury’s delivering was on its way made me head for the shower and I’ve been motoring on through all sorts of stuff ever since. Two loads of washing on the line and another in the machine. Peter my Robo Vac is busy upstairs bumping around the house and making a jolly nice job of it.

Next week is pretty full on so I’m sitting down with a cuppa having a little scroll and then I’m going to write myself my daily lists. These are basically scraps of paper headed up with the days of the week and then with anything that’s relevant to that day underneath which I then lined up on the breakfast bar for me to look out on the appropriate day. At the end of the day, anything not done gets transferred to another day and that piece of paper goes in the bin. That’s pretty much how I’m actually managing to function at the moment.

I feel a strange calmness has come over me today, I think my brain feels that maybe I need a rest from grief. Right, I’m off to fill the recycling bin. One of the things I’ve decided is that this house is so full of junk it is unreal and I really need to get rid of anything I don’t need any more because for my adult children to actually have to deal with the contents of this house should anything happen to me would be extremely unfair.

Thank you all for your warm welcome.

@SparklyGlitterballs it took me a long time but, in time, I took a wee smidge of consolation in the horrible fact that he did go quick - the silver lining in the cloud if you like.
It meant I have no memories of him fading away slowly - my last memory and sight of him is him happily waving me off, blowing a kiss as I drove off for my girly weekend jolly.
But as @Emptyandsad so rightly says, there are no "better options" in all this - we have no choice in the matter - we just have to adjust to our own set of circumstances as we try to navigate on to our new normal (even if it feels anything but) and do whatever feels right for us individually.

@Hisredipad I often (silently and metaphorically) shout up to my lovely husband ('cos he will be residing in the up place rather than the flames of the down place)
to just help me out with whatever as I'm a bit stuck.
He has never failed me yet! - as in life.
I can relate to the urge to clear stuff out and get things "orderly".
It's almost like a need to gain control of your environment because there is so much outside your control.
Having a "rest from grief" is eminently sensible and to be recommended where possible.

God. It's been around 10 days since I was last on here, and I feel so awful that I wasn't; to be able to offer a few words of comfort. It's awful reading tbh, in that when one has gone through it and looks back - even if only a short time later - you know EXACTLY what someone feels like, even though we all often use platitudes - they're not needed, you know; you understand.

I was reading @ByHisSideAlways and thinking about how long it took me to acknowledge my sons death. I write that and as I write, I'm thinking about it, but it still isn't acknowledged by me. I feel like I went to a really bad play and have kept the programme from it, if that makes sense. I was in shock for a good 5 weeks I'd say, though I don't think I recognised it at the time, so I just didn't acknowledge nor accept it, and I suspect that's where you are now. One just can't seem to grasp the event actually happened. So logically this is what happened, but emotionally and something else I can't seem to put my finger on (shock still? Disbelief? I don't know) I don't accept that this is a fact. I think it will take a long time for you, as you say. Conversely, when my DP died, it hit me immediately and I knew and accepted it very quickly.

I look at my son's photo's and videos and to me, he's alive but out of reach. I don't acknowledge really on a profound level what's happened, but I have a feeling that once I do, I'll shuffle off this mortal coil.

It’s the funeral on Wednesday. I’ve asked the celebrant to leave out the word farewell. There’s no way I’m saying goodbye.
I can’t believe this is our life now. @Wingedharpy yes a shared brain. Like part of me.
For me I think the biggest thing was having him love me for completely being me. I was so uptight, anxious, scared, self blaming/loathing (on the outside looking completely normal) and he made feel that I was lovely and worthy and how I felt was okay. He loved all of me.
I’m sorry I haven’t read or replied to your posts tonight. I just miss him and can’t fathom out how this happened.

Sometimes @Sunshineandbluesky , you only have the capacity to focus on yourself, and that's perfectly OK.
It's about survival.

We all just do what we need to to get through, clinging to memories, hopes, flotsam and jetsam

Bah humbug. Cant sleep, annoying as I’ve a busy day tomorrow and a client appointment I’m due to at 10am.

I led a training day today. It was very full on but it wasn’t until lunch when I popped the dog out from under my office desk for a wee I had a lurch of something in my gut about being on my own. Fortunately we’d organised a proper lunch and all I had to do was come home, walk the dog and slump on the sofa.

do you know the thing I hate the most, making myself a cup of tea! It was DH’s job to make the tea (I drink a lot of tea), somewhere in this house im sure is a teasmade but do you think I can find it. I’ve been looking for over a week and am sorely tempted to go to Argos tomorrow and get one (although I do think they look hideous, it will be hidden in the utility room,) and I can set it up and go back when it’s made the tea.

I started a notebook yesterday of all your words and ‘sayings’ having looked back through all the posts. It’s made me realise I have come a long way when I didn’t think I had it also made me realise life has morphed into something I hadn’t realised would happen and I don’t like it. I’m definitely appropriately sad, an awful lot, in short bursts regularly throughout the day unless, like today, im actively distracted.

there’s a part of me feels like im in this awful project that has no end in sight with deadlines along the way, probate being the next one. And the one after that really needs to be grief counselling but I can’t bring myself to make the ‘triage’ phone call.

Can’t sleep either.

My exH was a coffee drinker and although he would and did make me loads of cups of tea, they were very variable! I got used to drinking plenty of tea that wasn’t really how I would make it, some were perfectly nice, and occasionally I’d get one that just wasn’t drinkable. I didn’t complain, I was just grateful to be made it.

When I met my boyfriend, he asked me how I liked my tea, and then made it like that. Consistently. And took nice tea bags with him when we stayed away from home. (And took home any decent tea bags from hotels to use when needed! I was using the last ones over the weekend as I couldn’t be bothered to go shopping.) I loved that tiny bit of thoughtfulness.

I’ve never been a great sleeper over the years but could always sleep well with my boyfriend. Sometimes when we were apart (lived 100 miles away from each other) we’d be on the phone and he would just talk to me - often in Welsh - until I’d fallen asleep.

We have come a long way. Doesn’t mean we’ve ended up in a nice place! But hey, we found each other and that has helped.

awww thanks @atiaofthejulii , we have found each other haven’t we, not in the best of times, but none the less I do truly appreciate everyone here.

Personally it’s Yorkshire Tea all the way, sort of in the middle, not rung out strong or wish washy.

there’s a part of me feels like im in this awful project that has no end in sight with deadlines along the way,

Oh I definitely recognise this... for me (maybe because I'm retired) the deadlines gave me some structure to cling onto, to distract me from the yawning chasm of loss.

Which reminds me. I tried to explain to my son (21 at the time) how I was feeling about my wife (not his mother) dying. I said it was like having a huge, bottomless sinkhole in the garden. It overwhelmed the rest of the garden completely and I spent all my time looking into it. My hope was that, although the hole would always be there, trees and bushes would grow around it, grasses down the vertical sides and I would get used to it.

He looked at me as if I had lost my mind 🤣🤣

I get what you're saying @Emptyandsad . I never know what kind of reaction to put on these posts - the available choices don't always work - I wish we had a care/empathise/sympathise reaction.

I'm back from seeing the family abroad. Was going to go back to bed, but I've a text about a medical appointment and I've not had the letter they mentioned. Nothing serious - just an orthotics review for my wonky feet.

I inherited them from dad. I didn't think that anyone else in the family had them, but I noticed a cousin with flat feet like mine, so it's definitely from Dad's side.

I was doing fine until the last night and it hit me that I was going home to an empty house without DH. It's been 4 years.

Sometimes I feel as though I'm losing him, forgetting him, living without him and then I feel guilty. Other times it's as if he's just the other side of a screen and I could pull him back if I could could only reach through and pull hard enough.

Thinking of you for tomorrow @Sunshineandbluesky . Yes, I agree - the shared brain is absolutely right.