This is life (after passing of DH)

[Hisredipad]

I spent a while searching for a post to join in but didn’t find anything like I wanted.

I just want somewhere to pop daily and say things I can’t say IRL.

fell free to join me

today was our big anniversary and im feeling sad he’s not here to celebrate it with but I bought myself something I saw yesterday im sure he would have bought me. Bizarrely opened a drawer just a moment ago and found last year’s anniversary card and the sweet words he’d written.

Happy anniversary DH, xx years were the best ever xxxxx

You get through that simply because you have to. They actually show you a catalogue for the coffin. During lockdown, I had to do that online and they still have them online as well.

I remember on the day thinking "Oh...I should have asked for darker wood," which is probably quite barmy.

Clothes were easier to choose - I just used his regimental blazer and flannels, though there were certain regulations that had to be complied with. (Plus I misplaced his flannels, ordered a new pair and then found his.)

For my mum, I just chose clothes that she was comfortable in.

I'm glad that you have family to help you.

@Sunshineandbluesky the sad reality is if you’ve never been through what you’re going through you have no idea of the intensity and quantity of the emotions experienced. My good friend did what we are doing in 2019, I feel ashamed now knowing what I now know, that she suffered her DH’s passing without her friends knowing or understanding her pain.

when we lose a parent, a friends etc, someone we don’t live with we have the opportunity to carry on as normal and deal with our grief when it strikes. The loss of a DH is losing half your whole, we are no longer a couple, etc, I truly thinks that makes it harder to bear. I lose count of the numbers of waves of emotions that sweep over me in a day. Today I needed help lifting something, we’d have done it together, like everything we generally did but of course I had to struggle on my own and we often have no choice but to carry on as best we can.

for DH I chose the outfit he’d worn at our DS’s wedding, and added his golf glove in his pocket, hankie from our wedding, and we all wrote him a letter which went in too plus his favourite golfing cap (and I’d had my hair cut so I put some of my hair in a tiny envelope with my letter so if when I’m gone they can’t put my ashes in with DH a tiny bit of me is already with him).

the funeral home were brilliant and led me through a lot of it, helping with choices, asking questions which brought out the right answers. The flowers took me a while to decide on but I’d needed to wait for DD to come home so we waited four weeks.

Yes, I agree with this - it's the hardest.

I recall that someone on another thread got a bit stroppy at one point, saying that losing her mother was harder because she'd known her mother all her life. That's her experience, of course, but I do think that losing your husband is the hardest for all the reasons that you've given.

For my husband's funeral, there were some things I wouldn't have thought of. The Regimental Association Secretary told me that it was usual to place the regimental beret plus cap badge on top of the coffin and then the Sensei at the karate club said that a black belt was supposed to have his belt placed on top - so I had both with the family flowers.

The regiment offered us a poppy wreath. I wasn't sure about that, since he hadn't fallen in battle, so I asked his children whether they wanted it there and they said yes, so it was placed at the head of the coffin at the side so that it showed through the hearse window at the back and then on the plinth at the service.

I'd been told that it would be okay to have snowdrops from our garden placed inside the coffin on the day, but when I was picked up I was told that it was too late. That being the case, I tucked them in with the spray of roses on top.

I recall that someone on another thread got a bit stroppy at one point, saying that losing her mother was harder because she'd known her mother all her life. That's her experience, of course, but I do think that losing your husband is the hardest for all the reasons that you've given.

I feel like I've lost my future. Which as awful as it will be to lose my parents, they're not my future.

It's been a stressful week due to work and I'm not sleeping.

@Sunshineandbluesky glad you'll have some support with the practicalities. I'm sure things will become more apparent as you get through each step xx

I wish I could say something to make things better, @atiaofthejulii. Just know that I'm thinking of you.

i hope you all find some peace in the new day, I found something yesterday that gave me back a bit of DH, just a Christmas present tag, but special as written in his handwriting

life Ongoing is never going to be the same, and I suppose we yearn for the same, we want what we know as our normal life back (for me that includes DH’s multiple health issues and numerous appointments and hospital visits, as for many years his health issues didn’t impact enough to stop him playing his beloved golf). The uncertainty of the unknown for my future I do believe forms a lot of my difficult feelings.

I’ve been reading a bit about grief but I don’t find it fits with my physical experience so far. As a family we are looking forward to the birth later this year of a new life. I’m very close to the parents and they’ve asked me to be close to their child so I do think that will be a good distraction.

TV documentaries have helped a lot, they transport me to a world away from my own. But today I’m going to a coffee morning in an effort to try and reintegrate myself into local life that just went out the window about 18 months ago. (The emotional part of me doesn’t want to go but my practical head is insisting I do).

How was the coffee morning @Hisredipad?

Thank you @WearyAuldWumman, it really does help xxx

Have been very stressed all week but feeling better yesterday evening and today. And then I feel weird about being ok and wonder if that's ok!

My son and his fiancee (the novelty of saying that has not yet worn off!) are on their way here tonight for the weekend - will be lovely to see them but they're literally treating the place like a hotel and have lots of plans 😀

The coffee morning was good. Almost didn’t go in but made myself and met a very close neighbour who introduced me to some other locals. I will go again. I had a cheese scone which was extremely nice.

I think @atiaofthejulii it’s normal to feel weird about normal things, mainly because feeling normal hasn’t been the norm and thus feels strange.

I met a woman while at the swimming pool the other day - just a random stranger that I got talking to. I told her that my wife had died 4 years ago and she said "4 years? That's nothing! You must still be feeling raw". It really helped me, because I had been thinking that everyone I know must be thinking that I should be over her by now, and she made me feel understood.

A month ago I went to her son's wedding. Her absence was obviously massive, for him, for her family who were all there and, of course for me. It just felt massively that it would have been such a different occasion if she had been there. She would have loved it, would have been so proud of him, so welcoming to his wife and her family. It was so hard to deal with that mixture of joy and sorrow

@atiaofthejulii I completely understand. I feel like I’ve lost my future too. Another 30 years without him.
@Hisredipad I’m glad that the coffee morning was good.
@Emptyandsad how lovely that the swimming pool stranger got it. I always wonder if people like that understand the massive difference they make.
Today I have a new emotion. Absolute fury. The undertaker has advised that I don’t see my husband as “nature has started to take its course”. I’ve been waiting and waiting for the death certificate so that he could come home from the hospital and I could give him love. I can sit with the coffin and I will, but what’s the point? I just wanted to stroke his arm and give him a kiss.
I am beyond furious. I feel like I’m being punished over and over.

@Sunshineandbluesky im so sorry you’ve been advised not to see your DH. I choose not to see DH after he left our home but I did sit with him a while before he left. I put a lock of my hair in with DH, can you ask for something like that, give it a kiss. I know it’s not the same. I placed it in a tiny envelope and it was put in DH’s top pocket of his jacket. Xxxx

I'm a bit late to things here, but I know exactly how you feel. In the time before I had my sons funeral, it comforted me knowing that he was still 'around'. He was still somewhere that I could go to if I chose. After the funeral, I didn't have that and it is all "that has happened now let's move forward in life", in a 'put this behind you' way and I don't want to. I knew the funeral would force my hand but I've resisted it then and since. I'm so sorry for your loss, I really am. Sounds like your son is seeking comfort by wanting to be where your husband slept, and I totally get that too.

Sorry, me again. As an aside, it really does piss me off that mumsnet only has 3 reactions.

You said "I actually think that loving someone and having them love you back so much isn’t the best thing in the world. It’s actually a trick and it’s the worst thing." I thought exactly the same when my son's father died (yes, he died and then so did our son, years later). These are people that we have chosen, who chose us - there's...not that 'obligation' or bonding, or societal expectation. These are people we chose to love who loved us in return and it's hard to explain why that makes a difference and isn't bound by convention to people.

I remember having a discussion one day with someone where I was explaining that there are different types of love - for your parents, your siblings, your friends, your kids but that the person you had chosen to give your love to made their loss so much worse, somehow. You picked them and they picked you and somehow, it all came together, so their loss is just...well, fucking awful. I can honestly say that (now that it has happened to me), losing a child hurts more, but had this not happened to me then I would have said that the lose of my partner, the person I love is easily the worst loss ever experienced. And like you, I felt it was all trickery.

Thank you @Hisredipad I definitely will do that. I’ve been sleeping with the top I’m going to give the undertaker to put on him. Bonkers I know, but so he’ll have my smell. I do know I sound crazy but I feel that he’ll be missing me as much as I miss him. He hated being away from me.
Thank you too @Spooky2000 for understanding and I’m so sorry that both your husband and son died. This is where I just don’t get life. How come some people who aren’t very nice never suffer like this and the others go through unimaginable pain.
I’ve just been sleeping for the last few hours. I think I just tired myself out with grief and fury. Only now have a cooked tea for my poor son. (Although he was quite capable of getting it himself).
And if one more kind person says but you have him in our heart forever, no one can take that away, I’m scared how I might react. I know that, but I just wanted one more love, one more smooth, one more kiss. And I am very aware that lots of other people aren’t able to get this too. So I know I’m being irrational. But again the brain is a weird thing and I’d promised myself that I’d get to do this.
I’m sending love to you all this evening. I don’t know where life goes from here. Just one plodding hour at a time I guess.

@Sunshineandbluesky . I think that placing your scent with your husband is a lovely idea.

Sending you all my love and hugs because we all need a lot of love and understanding at the moment.

And something really silly that happened to me today and I hope will being a smile.

So, today I needed to be in contact with a completely new supplier for my business. Had a really nice chat this afternoon and he asked me to send him some details. So as I was at home and the dog wanted to go out for a wee, I took my tea and I sat by the pond watching the dog because he can’t be trusted dictating the information to this new supplier. Anyway, at that particular moment in time a pigeon chose to fly from nowhere and almost sat on my head. In fact, if I hadn’t ducked, I’m not quite sure what would’ve happened. Well as you can imagine, I said a few words.

Anyway, carried on dictating my email and clicked on send. Then thought to myself did I include a certain thing back and read ‘oh sh*t, that pigeon scared the crap out of me’, right in the middle of my email. Oops.

Brilliant!

@Spooky2000
@Sunshineandbluesky

>>>Thankfully he’s on holiday so the funeral won’t take place for another month. And I’m happy with that. I don’t want the funeral to come.

>>>I'm a bit late to things here, but I know exactly how you feel. In the time before I had my sons funeral, it comforted me knowing that he was still 'around'. He was still somewhere that I could go to if I chose.

There was quite a wait for me between death and the funeral and I really 'liked' that because like you it gave me a sense of they are still here. It also gave me a chance to come to terms more with their death and get myself into a position where I was able to deliver a eulogy. I know other people who have found delay very stressful because they were obsessed with the funeral giving 'closure' and wanted a quick funeral. I didn't feel like that at all. I knew they were dead and I suspected the funeral wasn't going to give me any closure and I was right.

Everyone is different but I would recommend a bit of a wait for the funeral as it helped me.

@Hisredipad that's hilarious, your supplier is going to be so surprised 😂

@Sunshineandbluesky I'm so sorry you can't see him again - sounds like you've been waiting and holding onto that, and can completely see that it feels awful to have it taken away. Wearing the top for him to wear is a beautiful idea. I once left behind a nightdress - just a simple black cotton vest dress - at J's and he put it on and messaged me saying, now I know why women like to wear their boyfriend's clothes, this is nice, feels like you! A familiar scent provides a very basic level of comfort and your husband will have you with him.

@Emptyandsad how lovely to have so much compassion from an understanding stranger. The wedding must have been tough xxx

Had a good session with the counsellor yesterday - unloaded about the work stress, and talked about memories of J - took in a present that he'd got for us (matching items) after we'd been talking for 3 weeks and met 3 times (yes he was very impulsive and romantic!). We had so much fun together, and I really want to carry on living my life saying yes to things.

So in that spirit I had earlier this week booked to go and see a play last night by myself. My son and his girlfriend were also out in town seeing friends that he's been friends with since secondary school and they're still very close. I hadn't seen them for a while so I joined them for a drink which was lovely. And then went to the play which was great. It was an evening that J would have loved to have been part of, and I feel like he would have been proud of me for doing what I wanted to do.

I still have the silk nightdress that (I later found out from a friend of hers after she died) she bought for the first night we spent together. I wouldn't be able to put it on though; she was 5'1" and slim, and me...not so much 🤣

Wow. Just WOW. What a vitriolic thing to say. For the record, I wasn't giving advice and secondly, having lost both my partner AND our son, that's how it felt for me. So take your post and shove it. 😡

Yup. The relative who supported me most is a cousin who lost both her husband and a teenage child at separate times. It was she who told me that grief is a burden which never goes away - in her experience, the burden does however grow lighter with time.

It's very clear that this is a supportive thread where we're sharing experiences.

I was never blessed with children of my own, but it's very obvious to me that losing a child must be the worst thing in the world.

I had already decided not to respond to the person who made that comment. Prior to their appearance, this thread has been full of nothing but support for the OP and others here. I'm going back to ignoring them.

I’m having a very bad day today. My poor son. I even phoned the Samaritans tonight. Me!! I can’t even really put into words here how I feel but I want my husband back so much. I can’t believe this has happened to us.
i know that this is happening to millions all over the world right now and of course you’re living it too. But I never realised before now.