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Eris' thread for bereaved mummies

1000 replies

feedmenow · 16/04/2008 16:28

OK, so the thread begins! I tried to think og something better to call it, but all I have in my head (still) is Shabsters comment about how it would have been better if we'd all met on a thread called 'how to cope with excessive wind'!

Anyway, we have somewhere to come now. Somewhere 'proper' where we can chat and remember our precious lost children, whether they were stillborn like my angel, or whether they were with us for 2 hours, 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years or 20 years. No matter how long they were here it is still so very wrong to lose a child.

I just wanted to tell you all about yesterday. It was such a very strange day. Dp and I were collected by the FD in the limo that Eris was in and we drove slowly down our road behind one of the FD men. I felt like a fraudster, like I was going to be caught out and asked what the hell we were doing 'playing' around.

Anyway, it turns out that the crem we went to is absolutely beautiful, really gogeous gardens. The service was lovely. The songs and music we chose were perfect, and both my mum and mil got up and said some really touching, beautiful words. The minister read a story I had chosen and also an extract from Winnie the Pooh that he suggested. I sat with my dd1 on one side and my ds the other, then dp next to him. We all had our arms around each other and I cried silently throughout. Then at the end the minister asked everyone else to leave so the 4 of us could say our final goodbyes, at which point I started weeping with a vengeance. It wasn't til we went outside to join everyone else that I saw all the people who had come to be with us.

We went back to my parents house for brunch, which went really well. I come from a family who crack open the wine and beer at the earliest opportunity, so the wine flowed along with the tea and coffee for the drivers. It was a beautiful day, the sun shining, so we went into the garden. The children and the men played football, the ladies chatted and did a bit of skipping (who would have ever known that I could still 'jump in'???. I had got some helium balloons printed with the words "Too beautiful for earth..." so everyone released one and 'raised a toast' to Eris. People gradually drifted off home, but a group of people stayed with us all afternoon and into the evening. We had takeaway and eventually got home about 10pm. It was a very special day. I talked about Eris lots and, very importantly, people had fun. A very important thing to do, IMO, when celebrating a life instead of mourning a death. As people left I asked them all to be sure to remember my little baby girl, to think of her often and not let her be forgotten.

Dp and I set up a fundraising page to raise money for SaNDS for people to make donations instead of brining flowers. When I checked earlier today, we have had donations of £1360! It makes me sad that we're in the position to have received those donations, but we smile when we realise how much people care.

Anyway, dp went to the FD this afternoon and picked up Eris' ashes, so we at least have now brought our daughter home. It raised a few laughs yesterday when we were asked what we planned to do with the ashes and I said we would bring her home and put her in the wardrobe with nanny (whose ashes have been in my wardrobe for 2 years now!). Some might find this odd, but others thought it touching and comforting that they would be in the wardrobe together.

Anyway, I have wittered on more than I intended. I am pleased to say that I do actually feel a sense of peace now that the funeral is over. Both dp and I had been scared of yesterday as we were both aware that a funeral brings about a finality and reality to what has happened. And somehow, facing that finality has helped me achieve a degree of acceptance.

So, in memory of my precious baby daughter, Eris, I would like to pronounce this thread for bereaved mummies "OPEN"!!

OP posts:
triplets · 17/04/2008 09:10

Hi Hazy,
I sent you an e-mail yesterday, going to post the patterns to Shabster today, had a rotten migraine for the last two days, still there but abit better. Getting all worked up about Dh, it won`t help I know. Kind of you to send Shabs a gift for her long awaited first grandson, do you know they have made me honourary grandma!

frumpygrumpy · 17/04/2008 09:13

Hi triplets and shabs xx.

I just wanted to pop in and say hello to you all. I followed the other thread for its totality and I think its perfect that you girls have this thread to meet on and to share on. Its so important to have a place where you are totally understood (we have that on our multiples thread (births not orgasms ).

I just wanted to send love to you all.

Feedmenow, your story of the day sounds absolutely the best, for want of better words. As you look back, you can reread your post and all those lovely memories will come rushing back, make you cry and bring you comfort. I had a little look at Eris on your profile, she is very beautiful. Its a great picture to cherish. Awful and great at the same time. I wish you all the very best sweetheart xxxxx.

hazygirl · 17/04/2008 09:13

that is great ,olivia has started getting migraines ,she is realy sick with them but doctors wont give ought, congratulations on becoming an honourary grandma its brillx

hazygirl · 17/04/2008 09:16

sorry trips no email came but i have my own email address now,cos they used to go to to my dds email and i never got them.SO i have new cat onex

triplets · 17/04/2008 09:27

Hazy, just sent you another, same address as yesterday, hazeljeffkins etc?

lottiejenkins · 17/04/2008 09:35

Triplets, my sons at residential school not far from you in Margate,,,

triplets · 17/04/2008 09:39

Hi Lottie,
I know the school and my lovely 93 yr old neighbours grandaughter works there! Small world isn`t it? Also when my darling Matthew was born, my friend had her baby Anna, she was born profoundly deaf and also went there for a while, she eventually went off to uni and did extremely well.

lottiejenkins · 17/04/2008 09:51

It's a lovely school, my son is very happy there,,, Margates ok too not as nice as it used to be methinks... i always stay at Walpole Bay Hotel when im there its lovely there!!

triplets · 17/04/2008 09:53

I confess I haven`t been there for years, always was abit run down, though the sand are good! Keep meaning to take my trio to the Shell Grotto, one of these days!

Squirdle · 17/04/2008 09:56

Growly, as you know I always call A DS1 as it seems easier for people to get. I think as Cai and Hugo were stillborn, people don't seem to count them in with our living children In my head though Cai is DS1.

When people ask me how many children I have I sometimes say 3 boys and sometimes say 4. I guess it depends on who I speaking to.

Triplets, migraines are just awful aren't they. I often follow your posts and want to say what an incredible lady you are. I am sure Matthew is very proud of you x

shabster · 17/04/2008 10:02

Our children did exist.

'I've lost two children' I hear myself say.
And the person I'm talking to just turns away.

Now why did I tell them? I just dont understand
It wasn't for sympathy, or to get a helping hand.

I just want them to know we've lost something dear
I want them to know our children were here.

They left something behind, which no one can see
They made just two people into a family.

So if I've upset you, Im sorry as can be.

You'll have to forgive me, I could not resist -
I just wanted you to know that our children did exist.

By Betty Schreiber, 'pinched' from a Compassionate Friends newsletter.

thegrowlygus · 17/04/2008 10:08

Shabster - that sums things up perfectly!

In RL I do tell people (if asked) about DS1, it is just on here I call my real DS2, DS1 if you get me! How confusing...!

I also tell people about DS1 if not asked. I am sure part of the taboo surrounding stillbirth and neonatal death is that people just don't think it happens anymore. So I bang on about it most chances I get!

Although when DS2 was born, my sister died 2 days later and my mum died when I was little, so if someone is asking me about my family (and I go into all the gory details) I sometimes feel they go away thinking "well - that was the death-lady"

But then, if folk ask, I will answer!

feedmenow · 17/04/2008 10:38

Triplets, I take it you actually have triplets, and didn't come up with the name for some other reason?? How old are they and what "combination" do you have?

Growly, nice to meet you! Hope you don't mind if I just refer to you as growly as opposed to The Death Lady

Iliketomoveit, it sounds like Cole was indeed a strong little boy, having 4 transplants when he was so small! You must have been so scared and somehow so proud of him all at the same time....

Squirdle, it is still very early days for me, yet I have already noticed that people don't seem to count stillborn babes as "real" people. I don't think they realise that when a baby is growing in you you get to know it, it has its own personality, you love it and nurture it. Just because you've never seen your baby, you still know it and love it.

Frasersmummy, I'm glad his birthday passed gently. It is nice to spend some time with happy memories.....

OP posts:
cyteen · 17/04/2008 10:41

Hello all,

I just wanted to say how amazing I think you all are...I had followed FMN's other thread and shed many tears over it. I haven't been in your position and cannot imagine what you must all go through, so I just wanted to salute you all and raise a toast to all your beautiful children.

FMN - I'm so glad Eris' day went so perfectly, it seems you all have gained some joy from celebrating as well as mourning her life and that is fantastic. You made me smile when you said about her going in the wardrobe next to her nanny - a friend of mine whose husband died last year still has his ashes in their daughter's wardrobe, she and the children all feel it's the 'right' place for him to be and often visit him there.

growlygus - that made me laugh about being seen as the death-lady - I sometimes feel like that too, when people ask how my parents are dealing with my brother's death and I have to explain that my mum died years ago too. Sometimes I even feel guilty for making them feel bad! It's silly really.

Anyway, massive respect to you all, and I wish you all nothing but sunshine

Doobydoo · 17/04/2008 11:17

That is how I feel Shabster.Thankyou for posting that

shabster · 17/04/2008 11:31

FMN Good morning love. Have a peek at Triplets profile and yummy photo's. I feel as comfy on this thread as I do on the multiples thread. FMN - they have a sofa and shag pile carpet and food etc etc.

shabster · 17/04/2008 11:35

Growly - had to smile at death lady!

Last June in Greece, our lovely barman had lost his brother in a road accident and he invited me to the funeral. Now it was a great honour to be the only English person there but so heartbreaking. The next day one of the hotel guests told me all about how his mum had died the week before. Then a little girl sat next to me and cried about her grandma dying a month before and then cried even more when she told me her dog had just died.

None of it was funny but I ended up being nicknamed 'The Ghost Whisperer'

CaptainDippy · 17/04/2008 12:20

Such a heart-breakingly wonderful thread, thsnk you for starting this feedmenow. You are all amazing and I am in deep awe and respect for each one of you who has lived through and survived these impossible times. Wishing you all the sunshine and love in the world

LOL @ beautiful Eris being "in the wardrobe" with her nanny That is so lovely

Solitaire · 17/04/2008 12:22

Keep reading this thread, crying and not sure what to say.
This is a wonderful thread, sad but uplifting. You are all amazing ladies and I'm sure your babies are looking down and smiling at you.
at Eris and nanny in the wardrobe together

triplets · 17/04/2008 15:05

FMN............yes real triplets, aged 10, Rebecca, Thomas and James, born 4 years after Matthew died, 2 months before my 46th birthday! I give up asking wht these things have to happen, spent years doing that, its wasted energy, I can only say for some reason unknown to us these things are meant to be, if Matthew had not died these three would not be here.......but I want them all. There will be mant black cloudy days, but as some of us know there are far more sunny ones to come xxxx

missorinoco · 17/04/2008 15:19

i just wanted to offer my support and also to raise a toast to your children.

fmn, your post was lovely.

anything else i can think of to say sounds inadequate, but i wish you comfort and joy.

Lou1971 · 17/04/2008 16:17

I'm the same FM. The lead up to the anniversary is far harder than the actual day, although after that is relief.

I'm not sure if I understood your post correctly, and please forgive me if I have the wrong end of the stick, but I also had to carry Joe (the twin I lost) for a while, for seventeen days actually. It was extremely surreal and I think people under-estimate how hard that can be. I, of course, had no choice because they wanted to give Tom as long as possible to get strong and healthy before they delivered him (a month early in the end).

They gave no reason for Joe's death. They were both big boys; just under six pounds each at seven months! I think I was just too small to cope with them.

Anyway, Tom is a strapping, healthy, gorgeous lad. I can't help but think what might have been, but also count my blessings.

I've just heard that an old school friend has lost one of her twins. She gave birth at 24 weeks and lost one two weeks later. Funeral is today or tomorrow. It's quite scary how many of us are out there - leading seeingly normal, happy lives, touched by tradegy.

thegrowlygus · 17/04/2008 16:50

Lou - that is what suprised me. After I lost DS1 how many people came out of the woodwork saying "me too". Isn't it a shame that so few people know where to go, who to talk to etc after his happens but there are so many of us wandering about living with it.

The only way I could face pg women for a while afterwards was by thinking "they may have been through this too".

TinkerbellesMum · 17/04/2008 17:28

OK, now I'm at a proper keyboard I'll write properly.

I first got pregnant in Februaury 05, but at 8 weeks I started bleeding. Examination on the gyaenocology ward found my cervix open and they took a baby out. Next day scan showed another "fetal pole". They believe I lost the first one before I went to hospital making three in total. A scan 2 weeks later showed a normal midcycle womb and that I had lost the third too.

We decided to try again quickly and I became pregnant after my first period.I was a little worried till 8 weeks, the held my breath till 12 and then was happy that everything was fine. I had a great pregnancy, no MS, mild cravings etc. "Bean" was a hungry little thing and would let me know when she needed food! I could always sense how she was.

At 19 weeks I had a fall on some outside brick steps in the rain and hurt my back and thumb - mainly my thumb, I ended up in a thumb brace. Four days later I was out walking and started to get pain in my pubic bone that made it hard to lift my feet. I tried sitting but that did too, when I got home I found lying down was just as painful. My partner was late getting home because he was working away, but when he got back I called triage who said they didn't think it was the baby and I should go to A&E because it was probably due to my fall.

In A&E I was miserable, I had to wait a long time to be seen with the same inability to do anythign to get comfortable. Eventually I was seen and it was getting late. I was asked to provide a water sample, which I was unable to do. I tried everything, putting my hand under the cold tap (usually works for me), drinking water etc but I couldn't pass water. The dr said it was a UTI and send me home.

Of course I now know that UTI's are dangerous in pregnancy and she should have called a obsetrition in, if she had they would have found I was in labour and been able to stop the contractions.

The following day I was still unable to move, I didn't leave the house all day, I sat on the loo to relieve the pain of my contractions.

On the night was TD's work do, it was Saturday Night Fever at the local theatre and he had paid for my ticket. He was leaving his company that week so this was important to him. So I got dressed (not in the nice dress I had bought because it wasn't warm enough and the cold hurt me more) and went with him. Through the first act I was up and down. I had to be warned by an usher for standing up during the performance.

In the interval I went to the loo twice, then said to TD to collect our things, I was going to the loo again and I wanted to go home. He waited outside because he was worried, I came out and told him to go get everything we were going to hospital. I was bleeding. He came back and I had been found by a security gaurd on the floor, he called the manager and they took me to the first aid room to wait for an ambulance.

At the hospital they took me through to be examined. I had a scan which confused them because they could only see a head [big breath of entonox] so the doctor got out a speculum and went to examine me. He lifted my skirt (they had tried to cover me with a sheet, I threw it on the floor and growled "I'm too hot" there are a few funny stories of what I said) and jumped back "I can see the membrances" [didn't mean much to me, but didn't sound good, another big breath on the entonox].

A midwife had said at some point "I think we need to prepare "Room 15". After the doctor examined me they took me through to "Room 15". I was crying in fear (you don't give entonox to pregnant women and whilst I didn't know I was in labour I knew it had to be serious) and the MW said she was going to find an anaethatist. I was out of it (reading Michael Odent's work made sense of the way I was, I had gone to the primal brain) and said some really silly things, but whilst they were gone I turned to Mum and said "It's happened" "What's happened?" "The baby" it was all I could manage.

TD couldn't work out how to use the emergency buzzer so just pressed call so it took awhile for them to come back. She was born with the water in tact and they cut her free, they asked if I wanted to hold my baby, but I didn't know what to expect, remember I'd just seen her as a head on the screen a few minutes before. As part of routine the MW listened to her chest and seemed as shocked as the Dr had been when she said "I've got a heartbeat!" I didn't have to be asked again, I leaned forward and took her from the MW.

I held my little girl until she died. Mum dedicated her for me. As she closed her prayer she held her hand and asked Jesus to take it, as she lowered her hand to her chest she could feel that her heart had stopped.

We called her Lily-Hope. Lily is a name we had chosen to be a middle name after my mum (who is called Susan) as I was given her mum's name for my middle name. Hope was a suggestion given to me by people around, I thought it wasn't quite right but Lily-Hope sounded beautiful and when I said it something in me knew it was her name. At her funeral my Grandad preached on the Biblical meanings of her names.They are a promise of another one.

Lily means pure and it is a symbol of hope, of trusting in God and His promises.
Hope in a Biblical sense is not like waiting for the bus "I hope it gets here on time" as Christians we have a hope of a future that is certain.
So it means "Do not worry, there is a perfect hope for you, God has everything in His plan"

I refused a postmortem because I believed that a baby wouldn't survive birth then if they weren't strong so she couldn't have been the problem. I knew something was wrong with me. The doctors said that was their feeling too but they had to ask.

Three months and a lot of blood later I was diagnosed at 5 weeks pregnant as having something called Hughes (or Antiphospholipid) Syndrome. I was given Aspirin and Heparin during my pregnancy and had a really good pregnancy. I went into labour at 31 weeks with the wonderful Tink who is doing really well. We are telling her about her sister and she has already learnt the words "Lily" and "sister"

Isobel, means "Gift of God"
Sara (pronounced in the traditional way "Sarah") means "Princess"
Lily means "Pure"
She is the fulfilment of a promise from God. (Before anyone thinks I put the names together knowing their meaning, "Sara Lily" was chosen before Lily-Hope was born and I fell in love with Isobel a long time before, I didn't know it's meaning).

shabster · 17/04/2008 17:34

OMG Tinksmum - just oh my God.

I am sat here just sobbing - oh my word. I dont know what to say. Will post later but thank goodness you have your DD.

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