Please help me with funeral arrangements

[feedmenow]

My daughter Eris was stillborn on Tuesday at 39 weeks.

Now we are having to do something that I never dreamed I'd have to do, and I have no idea where to start.

I suppose we need a funeral director, but who do we use? I don't know anyone round here who has buried their child. In fact, I don't know anyone who has buried their child, full stop.

I think we want her cremated, although it saddens me more to know that with tiny babies there will not be any ashes to take away with us.

I have looked online at coffins but cannot bare to imagine my tiny daughter in one.

I want something beautiful to commemorate her in some way, but what can be said about a tiny angel who never even drew a single breath?

Has anyone else here had to go through this? How and where did you begin?

Just reading through a few posts .......

I remember people looking at me sideways because I still wanted to eat after I found out one of my twins had died. It didn't make sense to me to not look after myself and proves there is no right or wrong way to deal with things.

Unfortunately my photos aren't really something I can look at as Joe had died a couple of weeks before birth, but I have some beautiful hand and footprints that the midwife took for me.

I gave birth on the 2nd March and the funeral was on the 30th (ten years ago tomorrow) and those few weeks, every year, are like severe PMT. I can remember adrenalin carrying me through the first few weeks and then nothing. Looking back, I never properly grieved. I was single and had very little support. I don't know if this is the case, but it does seem that the more you deal with it now and face up to things, the "easier" it might become in years to come. My black days gradually became fewer but, when they came, they were blacker.

I really hope everything gets sorted out for you soon FMN, it's horrible being bogged down with practicalities. You're not alone and it's incredible the amount of people who have suffered and are surviving in the best way they know how. But we are surviving.

Lou - you speak wise words my friend

So agree with the 'blacker days' you spoke about. Someone asked me when we were out last night 'How long is it since Mattie died' (now this will sound crazy, but I was so happy someone asked) I said it will be 16 years in May and 26 years in July since Gareth died

The person then said 'I didn't know your baby boy but I knew Matt and he was the funniest kid I have ever met!' Made me proud.

'One foot in front of the other and dont forget to breathe' the wisest words I ever heard about early grief.

I am so sorry. I have only read the first post. When my baby sister died only my mother went to the funeral - for some reason my father had to look after us younger children. I know she always regretted that they had no photographs of the baby at all. Also she regretted that there was no grave to visit - she was buried it was unmarked. I think she would have liked to have had a gravestone, something tangible to prove the existence.

Every year until she died aged 75 my mother always remembered her baby's birthday (she only lived 3 weeks) and every time she saw a down's child (my sister had that) she wished hers had lived.

Although it's always remembered I am sure the pain of it, the immediate pain will gradually get better.

Xenia - how sad. Your poor mum it certainly is a life changing experience and the most hopeless, sad and cruel thing that can ever happen.

Ive just been reading through some Compassionate Friends newsletters and I found this - hope it will help.

I dont know why....
I'll never know why...
I don't have to know why...
I don't like it...
I don't have to like it...

What I have to do is make a choice about my living, what I do want to do is accept it and go on living. The choice is mine.

I can go on living, valuing every moment in a way I never did before. Or I can be destroyed by it and, in turn, destroy others.

I thought I was immortal, that my children and family were also, that tragedy happened only to others...But I know now that life is tenuous and valuable.

And I choose to go on living, making the most of the time I have and valuing my family and friends in a way I never experienced before.

FMN - I just dropped by to see how you are doing and let you know that you are still in my thoughts. Take care xx

Yes, there are those choices although people very much within the grief will often feel they have no control whatsoever over how they feel and what they can do and some will need external help of various kinds too. Hopefully my mother who died 3 years ago is with the baby now but she never forgot. They had another child and my father had a vasectomy after.

You are right X - the words I copied out are definitly how I feel NOW - many years after the events. I wish I had screamed and cried publicly - instead of trying to be the strong person - I hate that side of my personality - being the strong one is very hard work.

Im sure your mum is re-united with her precious baby.

I hope so. I meant to write "they never had another child" (not that another one can replace the one you lost although after I miscarried it was better that I had another child). My mother would have been nearly 40 when she had our baby sister and she'd had 3 children and a fairly late miscarriage in 5 years so perhaps they felt they had enough.

I found my mother's diary/babybook after she died and had it typed up. This is the saddest bit in it and shows whenever 1969 or today it's as sad for everyone. She gave birth at home as with the other children (except me, I was first)

"Had a girl, Diana. She was only 18 inches long. 5 lbs 8 oz in weight and was blue. Was given oxygen immediately. I thought she looked odd. No one else seemed to. I had a ghastly night. Dragged myself out of bed to look at her, cuddles her all night and she felt frozen.

Found by 10.30 next morning a child specialist sent for, e.g. XYZ. She had a bad heart and was taken into the Baby Hospital by [ x] at 11 o?clock. He came home with an empty carry-cot at 12.10 and I was heart-broken. I?ve been upset for 4 days now. She is not improving. They are going to operate. She also has an odd chromosome count, skin infection and eye infection. What are we all going to do?

[my brother 2 or 3 ] loved her and kept saying ?xx see the baby?. Then [me, 7] and [my sister, 6] cuddled and held her so efficiently. They?ve all been odd ever since. [me] is demanding and bossy. [my sister] is clingy and weepy. [my brother] has developed a stutter. I am rather dazed still and confused. [husband] is upset too!

June 23rd

Diana died on June 23rd at 10 o?clock. The [hospital] rang up and told me before bedtime.

I feel so sad about it all. I can?t concentrate on anything. I don?t wish to eat etc and feel that everything is so hard and cruel.
The children are sad about Baby Diana. [me] is asking questions about heart defects and [my sister] is so weepy and babyish. [husband] is very bad tempered.

June 26th

I went to Diana?s funeral alone. [husband] had to look after [my brother] and the girls had to be brought home from school. It was so sad for me.

June 29th

We are all still sad! [my sister] is ill today. She has vomited all day and seems to have a sniffly cold."

oh Xenia - how sad and how interesting as well. Your lovley mums emotions all those years ago - matching the bereaved mums feelings on this thread. Think that we all assume that ladies of your mums age were somehow 'used to' hard times and having to cope. When, the reality is, we are all mums - end of.

Thank you for sharing that - as I said before so very sad but so interesting to read another bereaved mums feelings and thoughts.

I used Nytol after ds died, I found I could sleep ok, but to be honest, my memory of that time and everything up to dd being about 5-6 months old is completely shot and isn't actually as good as it used to be anyway. I found it actually made my faith stronger, I do believe in God and heaven etc and thought that to deny my faith was to deny my ds was in heaven and I couldn't bear to think of him just nowhere

Jelly, I was brought up a catholic but was non practising for a long time. But, in hospital, there were two lovely priests, one of whom blessed Joe in the room with me after he was born and one of whom led the funeral. My faith (or lack of it!) at the moment is rather sketchy but it was enormously comforting at the time. By strange coincidence my twins have taken the priests names as their middle names!

I would take anything that helps you through it all. Religion, books, counselling - try it all.

I agree lou - whatever helps, in any way, grab it with both hands and run with it!!

Night night my new friends - take care - see you in the morning.

FMN so sorry you still haven't heard anything about the funeral , this must make it harder to begin grieving for her , i hope tommorrow brings some news.
I am sure the sleep things are all normal as it will be your sub conscious thoughts.
Sending you love and letting you know your in our thoughts as is Eris.

FMN just checking in with you. Hope you hear something soon. If you get a chance just let us know how things are with you - also all the other bereaved mummys on here - thinking about you and hoping you are all okxxxxxxx

hugs and prayers to you feedmenow....and to all who are supporting you through their own experiences - there are too many grieving but I send love and hugs.

Thank you all you lovely ladies. I really do appreciate that people are still here for me and checking how things are going.

I held my 4 week old nephew for the first time yesterday, just for a couple of minutes. It was horrible, looking at a tiny baby and seeing the way he wriggles and squirms and "roots" and knowing I can't have that with my baby. I had a few glasses of wine with lunch then just carried on with a few more in the afternoon until I felt rather sloshed, and went to bed at 6.30. Woke a couple of times, but pretty much slept til 8.30 this morning. As I have said before, sleep is my favourite place because time passes without anything hurting. Although my dreamless sleeps have now definitely stopped. I have now dreamed of my midwife, and last night I dreamed that we got the pm results back inconclusive and that we were told to try for another baby as soon as possible.

A serious question here; how have others actually got through this? What do you do with yourself? I have no inclination to do anything, and am forcing myself to do things, particularly to stop the children getting bored. But I don't actually want to do anything. But on the other hand, doing nothing makes time drag and gives me constant opportunity to think of our loss. I mean, right now if the kids weren't in the other room I think I would probably crack open the wine again, and drunk enough to get tipsy and drowsy then go to bed again and, hopefully, sleep til the morning.

FMN - So glad to hear from you. 'How did I get through it'..............very slowly, bit by bit, minute by minute. There are massive amounts of time that I quite simply do not remember. I really drank too much, especially after Matt died in 1992. I got to the point of hiding bottles in the house - one night I remember going up to check on my DS1 (10 yrs old at the time) and he had cried himself to sleep whilst I sat downstairs with my bloody alcohol. I remember looking at him and thinking (please excuse my swearing) 'you evil, nasty bitch' and since that day I have tried to drink less.

I drove the DJ mad on our local radio station - well, its his fault, he has a tell me your problems kind of show even to this day if he gets a bereaved parent on he will phone me and put me on air

I know what you mean when you say you dont actually want to do anything - OMG I have been there. I think I forced myself to do stuff - it is so hard though.

Please dont forget FMN - your grief is so new, so raw, so unreal, and yet very real. Please be kind to yourself. I dont know the right words because words sometimes drove me mad. Dont forget I am always here xxxxxx

feedmenow (((hugs))) i have no experience of loosing a baby but i know that all the things you say are normal for grief. The fact that you are making the effort to do things for the dc's is good and they will help you get through this. Although it is understandable to want to have a drink to relax and get through this please take care that you don't rely on this especially to aid you to sleep.
I wish there was something i could say to ease some of your pain but i can't just to let you know your in my thoughts.

FMN - In answer to your question, I didn't really do anything for a long time. I had my other twin to look after and that was all I did. He was premature so took a little more care than others. I am utterly and unbelievably grateful that, as I put it at the time, I got pregnant and had a baby, there was no obvious physical loss. But that, obviously, presents it's own problems. I did little more than was necessary and just went through the motions. Sometimes I wouldn't get showered and dressed until it was dark (in the winter) then I'd take Tom out in his pram just so I'd done something, but it could take me that long to get going.

Getting the balance between getting on with "normal" life and giving yourself space and time to grieve is extremely difficult. I would go with the flow on that one, if you can. I didn't find my grief exclusive. I thought I would be "in mourning" for several months and then come out of it slowly. When, in fact, I would find myself laughing at something on the television and end up thinking I was this horrific person who could laugh when her son had died. There is no division on emotions but, I think, this helps us survive.

Also, in my experience, I developed a sense of humour that bordered on the hysterical. I could and would say and think very inappropriate things (only to very close friends who would understand). I don't know if it was a coping mechanism or an overspill of emotions.

I didn't go out socially until October(my boys were born in March) I remember it well. I told everyone who would listen - it must have been horrendous for them!!

It's just a very gradual and slow process. I think once the practical side has been dealt with there is a certain amount of "closure". But I'll be honest and say, from my experience, it never really leaves you. I mean, now, I will have weeks go by when I don't think about it but there will be triggers that can knock you for six. And, as I said before, this time of year for me is very difficult. I'm actually feeling very postive today - a combination of the weather and the fact that I'm "allowed" to carry on now that the date of Joe's funeral is passing.

I hope I've not been insensitive with any of my comments, it is just my experience.

Take care of yourself.

oh Lou - hysterical sense of humour - I thought it was just me - you have put my mind at rest with your post. I said to one young lad who came to Matts funeral that one of my friends really fancied him!! FGS what was all that about?? Maybe I wanted to be in my other life - the one that was before Matts death?? Thanks Lou you dont know how much that sentence helped me xxxxx

love to you all, i wonder often why us and feel so alone,were not bad people, i worship our girls but feel always guilty because our little man is missing.

feedmenow, no one can take that kind of pain away, my thoughts and prayers our with you.

i hope you and your partner have the strength to get through this together.

cant give any advice just wanted to say i
was thinking of you both xx

Lou, Shabster, I look forward to having the hysterical sense of humour come my way! I get like that at times of stress anyway, so can guarantee it will hit me during this period of grief! I am already known for "saying as I see", swearing far too much and opening my mouth before engaging brain, so I'm sure they'll be a fair few prize comments passing my lips.

Sorry if this has been mentioned before, but did anyone get counselling? I think I'm going to give it a go but am worried incase I put too much emphasis on it helping me and it turns out to be crap. It also bothers me that the hospital can only offer one of us counselling with their counsellor, and if we both want it then the other will have to go through the GP. Apparebtly it would be a "conflict of interests" for the same person to see us both or something. I get that if it were relationship counselling, but surely for this it wouldn't really matter?

FMN.

I think not wanting to do anything is perfectly normal. I didn't leave the house or speak to anyone outside the immediate family for weeks. I remember the first time I had to d the school run. I just cried.

I have left you a PM if you feel up to replying.

FMN - I turned down counselling - dont even know now why I did?? I did see a psyciatrist about 6 years down the line! I really, really lost my mind (I always think of Robbies song No regrets - 'I didn't loose my mind it was mine to give away')

I waited for weeks to see him and then he asked how I was - Guess what my answer was?? 'Im fine thanks love - how are you' DOH. I would like to have hyponotherapy - I think thats how you spell it. I need to see someone who will somehow get me to say exactly how I feel. I do find it very hard. The counselling thing but not with your partner is so weird isin't it? I dont understand that at all - but I do believe it!

I think, only since January when we went on the internet, I have laid my soul out on Mumsnet. A few weeks ago I was quite tiddly and left everybody on the multiples thread like this aw told them allsorts.