Please help me with funeral arrangements

[feedmenow]

My daughter Eris was stillborn on Tuesday at 39 weeks.

Now we are having to do something that I never dreamed I'd have to do, and I have no idea where to start.

I suppose we need a funeral director, but who do we use? I don't know anyone round here who has buried their child. In fact, I don't know anyone who has buried their child, full stop.

I think we want her cremated, although it saddens me more to know that with tiny babies there will not be any ashes to take away with us.

I have looked online at coffins but cannot bare to imagine my tiny daughter in one.

I want something beautiful to commemorate her in some way, but what can be said about a tiny angel who never even drew a single breath?

Has anyone else here had to go through this? How and where did you begin?

You're doing so well. Only speak if you want to. We left the priest to read our address - we jointly wrote it my siblings and I at my mother's funeral and I think now it would have sounded better coming from one of us but at the time we didn't think of that. But an older mother is much easier to lose than a child which you never expect. I was very pleased sang actually and my older son played the Last Post on the trumpet. I did think that participation was comforting. My mother went alone to my baby sister's funeral which was dreadful and she always wished for the next 40 years there had been more to remember her by, more pictures, more evidence of her very short life etc In those days they hardly let you see the baby. She wished there was a grave to visit actually with a stone. She was buried but without it being marked.

So good to see your post FMN.

Recording something is a great idea. I can look through all my newsletters if you need any inspiration.

Relieved about the funeral date for you. It will be sad - but it will be a way of saying goodbye (but knowing you will meet again) This post sounds so clumsy please dont be offended by anything I write.

I think I would be led by what the FD says about seeing DD, but that is my opinion only. You will know what is right.

Are you going to have any music? A lady who lost a child in our area had one of the songs from Lion King played at the funeral. It was so right for a small child or baby.

Keep posting on here love, we all care very much about you - and thank you for allowing so many of us to speak about our own bereavements and feelings.

Dear FMN

Have only just seen your thread after posting on Joanie's. My first child was stillborn at 39 weeks in 1999. So much of what I have read here has reminded me of that time and my heart goes out to you (and every one else here who has been through something similar).

I remember very well waiting for the cremation and dreading the day with every fibre in my body, as it happened the day was no where near as bad as I dreaded, it was a small real world acknowledgement of the death of my beloved son. I know this sounds odd but when we were driving to the Crematorium, and once there, when my DH carried that tiny white coffin into the chapel I wanted the whole world to see and know that he existed. Our only outing together as a family. After we came home I remember it poured with rain and I was glad that we had some tears from heaven to mark the day.

I remember the respite I got when I was asleep although in March we have foxes crying all the time outside and several times I would wake in the night thinking the baby is crying I must get up, of course he wasn't it was a fox in the garden. I also remember that first 2 seconds when you wake up in the moring and everything is OK and then that feeling as if someone has dropped a paving slab on your chest when you realise all over again what has happened.

I was very lucky that I had an exemplary health visitor who kept coming back and with whom it was safe to share my feelings. I would definately recommend counselling if you get the opportunity as I found it really helpful in the long term.

I cried when I needed to and this was a release (felt lighter afterwards in some way), I went on plenty of long walks with my walkman on loud (loud music and one foot in front of another gets you into a trance and gives your mind a rest) and I grew my fringe very long so others couldn't always tell if I had been crying. I also avoided the sight or company of young babies for a long time. All sad coping techniques but they worked for me.

DH and I also abused our credit cards and booked our dream holiday in an effort to make ourselves feel better.

All I can say is that you must do whatever you need to do, look after yourself, be kind to yourself, put yourself first.

Sending you lots of loving thoughts and big {{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}

Feedmenow - I've only just seen this as I was posting about my friend who has just lost her baby at 36 weeks.

big hugs to you sweetheart and love to baby Eris too.

xxx

How scary is it that just in our little community of Mumsnet there are so many bereaved mummys and daddys. When it happens to you, you feel like it has never happened to anyone else. You just cant imagine the grief and sorrow happening anywhere else except in your heart and soul.

If my arms were long enough I would give everybody a group hug

This thread has helped me over the last couple of weeks. It has helped me see that my family have come such a long way since those horrible, dark, empty early days. Still a long way to go but we are getting there.

one foot in front of the other my new friends......we will make it.

I couldn't read this thread and not post. I feel for you all so much, all this has made me cry.

FMN, I knit for a charity who may be of interest to you, we make special little keepsakes and burial outfits for tiny babies, and provide support as well. I will PM you with the details if it helps you at all. Hope you are ok.

Have just realised that I can't PM. The website is BonnieBabies.co.uk.

Shabster you are a kind and generous soul to share and comfort others as you do. Likewise I too marvel at how far we have come since those dark days.

to FMN I would say that we are all testimony that you can and will come through this. Believe me there will be a time when you are happy again and laughter, not tears, will fill your heart once more. I really believe that just as you love Eris (and always will) so she has an equal love for you and she would not want you to stop living.

Sending a loving thought and a bedtime prayer your way.

Thank you Lfree - it is such an overwhelming situation isin't it? I am at peace now with the death of my DTS but it has been 26 years and we did everything possible to keep him alive.

I have not even started to grieve properly for our son (aged 7) who died in 1992. His death was an horrific road accident and I am still full of 'if onlys'. Most days I can put on my happy mask (keep it near the front door) but there are times when it just gets too much. He will be 24 in June when we are holiday in our beloved Rhodes, Greece. We are going to have a quiet party night for him - which will probably end up in drunken karaoke.

I think the more you tell your story the easier it is to cope with.

Night night, thinking of you all tonight

Good morning everybody

Good afternoon all.

Do you know, I am sat here crying now but not for myself and eris, rather for everyone else who has lost someone they love and who has posted on here to share their grief and hopes with me (and others!). Maybe it is a good thing that I am able to see past my own pain, even if just for a moment, and appreciate the feelings of others.

Lintfree, my dp came home from the pub last night and woke me up to tell me he has decided that he wants to carry Eris' coffin (the FD had said he can if he wants, but he was very unsure about it). Mind you, he HAD been down the pub so was probably feeling beer-strength! How did your DH cope with doing it?

TTT, are you on the sands forum? Is that why you said PM? I will check out the website....

Fettle, thank you for popping by, but so sorry you found this thread for the reason you did. Much love to your friend. She has a long, hard road ahead of her. But it is amazing how much love and support you get from somewhere like here. I have felt truly comforted to have so many people come here to offer their condolences and support, to share their own stories and to check up on me!

Anyway, have my brother and SIL coming by in a minute, so must go and compose myself a little before they arrive.

Hiya my lovley - good to hear from you. I think every bereaved mummy or family member who has been on this thread has found some comfort and had a cry. That's what life is all about. My brother, BIL, and various friends carried Matt - that was so touching I almost couldn't cope. Wish one of us had carried Gareths coffin - think we were away with the fairys and didnt even realise we could. Ce sera sera love - you will all know what to do when it is time to do it. Thinking about you as always.

hello FMN how are you today?

I dont quite know how it happened at Frasers funeral.. I justknow one minute hubby was by my side and the next he was carrying the coffin and my dad was by my side

I think it was just a spur of the moment feeling

We had a burial and I know they offered a rope for anyone who wanted it... but we all declined

Its one of those moments that you cant plan for .. you just have to follow your heart on the day.

Tears are a good thing.. let them come.

sending you hugs

oh frasersmummy - your first sentence in your post made me sad - you sound lost. Do agree with what you said - definitly a spur of the moment type of day isin't it? xxxx

I find it hard sometimes to remember very much of anything from that horrible time. Odd things stick in my mind - must admit there are times when I feel very confused by dates and events.

Good evening everyone. Have been thinking of you FMN, I do remember it was a very strange time waiting for the funeral. It's wet and rainy here and that sort of weather was a comfort to me as it suited my mood at the time.

I would definately encourage your DP to carry the coffin, it's a small but extremely significant thing that Daddy can do for Eris. You carried her for 39 weeks and gave birth to her and this is his opportunity to play an important part in her journey through this world to the next. I would hate to think that he might regret not doing it at a later date iykwim but obviously only you and he will know what is right for you both. There are no rules. We also went back to the coffin after our small service and gave it a kiss and said our last goodbyes before we came away. Obviously we cried all the way home after.

You do what you think is right and that is what Eris would want. She will always be a member of your family and every family is different in how they approach things. Whatever you and DP decide is what she too would have wanted. The important thing is that in years to come you will have the peace of knowing that you did the right thing for Eris.

Be kind to yourself and DP. Sending you {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}

Touching post LFree - its so important to remember the points you brought up. Just because our darling babies are no longer physically here we are still mummys. FMN you will both now what to do on the day.

Hope everyone is ok this morning - in the snow??? Ours is all but melted.

Thinking of everybody today and always

The funeral for our DD was just a very simple graveside ceremony with the priest, me and DH. DH carried the coffin - it wasn't really planned - just happened that way. We wrote a letter to DD and put it in the grave after the coffin. We found it very helpful to do that and felt we were doing something for her.

Glad you have an appointment with your consultant. My DH couldn't bear to go to the appointment with me, so the community midwife very kindly offered to come. I had pages and pages of questions which the consultant went through with me and she also wrote to me afterwards summarising our discussions and the PM findings. I have SANDS stickers on all my hospital notes so everyone dealing with me knows to be nice to me as I cry easily!

As always, much love to you.

hiya rolf.

We put in all kinds of things with Matt. In his coffin he had his favourite model red ferrari (with the duster over as always!) he had a set of russian dolls that my mum wouldn't allow him to play with cause they were so expensive. A rugby medal that used to be my grandads (because he had his eye on that as well) and a big piece of smooth polished glass that he had found and was convinced it was a diamond. I bet the FD thought we really had lost the plot.

I also wrote out a 1,000 questions after my baby died from congenital heart defects. His consultant explained everything to me and then wrote to me in case everything hadn't registered in my fuddled brain.

Hi FMN, Shabster, Rolf and all,

We too put a letter in with Ross with some photos, a letter from his Nan and a teddy we had bought for him. He was also wearing a lovely suit and hat which my MiL had knitted for the new baby.

Likewise we had the appt with the Consultant and a list of questions, can't remember now if we got a letter afterwards but very good idea.

Rolf - I also had the SANDS stickers over my notes for the next two pregnancies and I feel like I cried all the way through my next pregnancy but got through it with a lot of TLC.

If there is one positive thing to come out of this tragedy it is that you see the best side of human nature especially with your following preganancy's ante natal care.

Sending you all a kind thought and a {{{{{{hug}}}}}}

Evening all...

We had few small toys that we had bought and placed in Fraser's crib before he arrived

When we lost him I took the toys with me to the labour suite

We had them, a picture of hubby and I and a copy of mr bump placed in the crib in the hospital immediiately after he was born and then placed in his coffin.

Mr Bump was a book hubby read to Fraser when he was a bump and he "seemed to respond" (well we like to think he did anyway)

Lintfree you are right about ante natal care the next time around although this was comforting I remember thiking and saying (cant shut up me) why didnt you do all this first time around

feedmenow - not on the sands forum, I am just used to another parenting forum where you private message rather than CAT, and didn't realise you had to pay here.

Hope you are feeling all right.

FMN glad to see you have popped back , i am sat here with tears on my face looking at the beautiful pictures of Eris, what a cruel world she really looks like she is sleeping. You are so brave to share her with us and you must be incredibly proud whilst also incredibly sad.
Hope that you can get through these next few days until the funeral , sending you much love and ((((((hugs))))))

FMN - Oohh what a beautiful baby. She looks so peaceful and just asleep. Thank you so much for allowing me to have a peep at Eris. Believe me, when I say, that over the years you will be so glad for these beautiful photo's. I look at mine often and take great comfort from them. Thinking of you and Eris....and all bereaved mummys and daddys.

Feedmenow...she is beautiful.

Have thought of you often, and in fact everyone on this thread. Although i cannot begin to understand how it feels or what to say, i just wanted you to know you were in my heart right now.