For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (November 2023)

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/4493231-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-March-2022?page=39&reply=130357515

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

Four months here and it feels as bad as ever.

That's so lovely that you told him that all the time and told him how special your childhood was. He must have appreciated that so much. Sadly we weren't that kind of family, my father had a very old fashioned upbringing and never told us he loved us. So I felt unable to say it to him in person. I did tell him on the phone the day I found out he was dying, before I flew out to see him, and I told him he was the best dad. I know we showed it to him too. I'm doing it differently with my kids though and tell them I love them all the time!

Thoughts to everyone who's had funerals or has one coming up.

Cant stop thinking about the way DM was shouting at him last summer. Told him she didnt believe he had cancer. It was horrible

@kiwiblueand @JenniferBooth- I think this is all part of the cycle of emotions we go through in grief. Things that haven’t bothered me the last few weeks have popped into my head recently like the fact I never physically told my DF I loved him. We weren’t that kind of family either but I felt he must have known through our actions in that we were also in touch always including them and especially with the grandkids who did show their emotion. But in the last few days it’s bothered me that I never said it and did he know. And that I never specifically told him what an idyllic childhood he had given me (when talking to the celebrant that came up and my mum seemed surprised that I’d say that as she felt they worked too much so I think that’s worried me that he felt the same) My DM has also worried about the times she nagged him over things the last few weeks. I guess all we can do now is take comfort from what we did do rather than what we didn’t and I’m sure that outweighs it all it’s just our minds being messy at the moment. And I am saying it to my kids all the time now! Sending love to all. I’m still waking at 615 daily which is the time I got the call…. And trying to distract myself from all the horrible thoughts about my new reality 😞

@elmleemum thank you for your response. It helps to hear you say that. I remember you saying your dad was similar. I too reassure myself my dad knew- my brother and I were on a flight to NZ the day he told us, my husband flew back from another country where he was working so I could go immediately. We spent an amazing week with him. Also what your mum said, makes sense she'd feel like that too. Sigh, I feel like I'm going backwards at the moment! I am not sleeping well either. Thanks for the response.

2 months on and the stress pain in my chest is fading slowly, but the exhaustion remains. I’m keeping going and supporting friends who have their own issues (or I am trying to) which helps. Still can’t believe this is the new reality though. I‘m just so sad, not hysterically so, but quietly and privately. All the time. Sending support and understanding to you all.

@atesomanybananasI’m a week or two behind you and I’m similar. The absolute bewilderment, sick and dazed feeling has lessened and I’ve managed to eat a bit more in recent days and I probably appear to be managing well at work etc but it’s like I feel different inside just very very joyless and sad and exhausted . I can feel it there all of the time. Not managing to do much else still other than the essentials in life - work and kids - and no where near ready to socialise or anything like that. This is without doubt the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through and I have experienced a few other bereavements in life that were shocking and I felt so sad but losing my DF it’s not just sadness like I thought it would be it’s like a complete overwhelm that changes you. I think as it also affects my whole immediate family and future the impact feels massive. Good to distract yourself supporting others. Sending love to all x

Sending love to you all. So many thoughts and feelings I can relate to. Really hit a wall the past couple of weeks. It’s nearly 6 months since I lost Dad. I think it’s the reality sinking in that he’s really gone. I only bought sweeteners for him and they’ve sat on the side all these months. I threw them away and that seemed to start this bad cycle. What fantastic parents we all had to miss them so much. We were so so lucky xx

@YourVividDuck- it’s the little things that get you isn’t like things they won’t use again 😞 I totally agree with your last sentiment though and am trying to reframe my thinking to how lucky I was to have such a wonderful DF and that he did get to see me grown up and settled and actually had 16/13 years with the grandkids - so he was lucky too as he did have a good life himself and lived to a good old age without major illness etc and I think in time I may find comfort in all of this but right not it’s still too much of a shock

I feel I've really hit a wall the last couple of weeks too and just as you say it's reality sinking in. You're right we were lucky, will try to remember that. I'm finding it odd how everyone assumes I'm fine now, it's never mentioned by anyone now. I find it really hard to say to anyone how I'm feeling.

A couple of days ago my husband woke up and said "oh it's my dad's birthday, I should message him". I was filled with rage and jealousy that I can't do that.

I hope nobody minds me popping on?

This thread is nearly full and whilst im happy to make another one, I'm also happy if anyone else wants to pick up the mantle. I'm not about as much these days and I'm also many years down the line in my journey and I don't want anyone to feel I'm neglecting this this thread or being unsupportive.

I lost my beautiful mum 5 years ago today. She died suddenly and unexpectedly at home after my sibling and dad (and then the paramedics) couldn't revive her. My whole world imploded on this day 5 years ago and I've experienced feelings and emotions I never knew were possible. I've been to the absolute pit of grief and despair. I've sobbed so hard I've made myself sick. I've begged and pleaded and wished and bargained for things to be different - begged to have one more day, one more hour, one more minute, one more cuddle.

I hate the whole "it's been a journey" thing but it's been one Hell of a ride. The craziest thing to me was always that the things I thought would upset me never really did but the little things, God the little things burn.

I have shed a few tears this morning, I always will. The 21st September 2020 was the single most awful day I've ever had to endure. And it just kept leading into more dark and desperate days.

Even from early on though I made a conscious effort to channel all that was wonderful about my mum (which was everything!!) and try to live my life like she did. She was my cheerleader, my hope, my anchor, my wings. She made me who I am and we are forever entwined and bonded.

It's a glorious sunny day here. And it has been every year on mum's anniversary. It used to piss me off as I wanted to world to be dark and grey and to cry for me but now I see it as a sign. The sun continues to shine for the people we have loved and lost. There is still beauty and light in the world. They are gone but they are forever here in our hearts and memories, in our smiles and laughter, in our children and remaining family.

They never truly leave.

So today I just want to say to my mum "thank you for my wonderful life" you have shaped me, guided me, cherished me and I will be following your lead with my children.

I also want to post the words that have given me so much comfort over the past years.

Much love to you all ❤️

O my goodness @Crunchymum that is such a beautiful message and sending you much love and thinking of you today.

Thank you for their beautiful words but also thank you for this wonderful thread ❤️ It has helped me more than I can ever put into words to cope with the absolute worst time of my life, losing my beautiful, strong and amazing mum. Your words resonate with me so much today and although my mum’s death is still so raw I very much would like to honour her in the same way you’re honouring your mum.

Not sure about anyone else but it would feel right if you wouldn’t mind starting a new thread. Firstly I don’t know how to!! but also as you started this one so it feels somewhat symbolic for you to start the new one.

Thank you so much and wishing you and your family peace today and love today.

To echo @dmango , your words and tribute to your Mum are absolutely beautiful @Crunchymum xx I also think it would be very fitting if you could start a new thread, even if you aren't present much yourself.
You have created a place of great love and support during peoples very worst times, and probably helped hundreds of people, so thank you xx I wish you and your family peace today xx

@Crunchymum what a beautiful and resonating post. I would like to say what a wonderful daughter your mum had and your words are a testament to what she instilled in you.

I agree with PP’s, I think it would be very fitting for you to start the next thread. Obviously with absolutely zero pressure to be active on it - it’s definitely not your responsibility.

I don’t post much, still navigating the journey quietly, but I do feel comfort in reading and knowing I’m not out here alone.

Love and strength to everyone on here.

I'm very touched by your kind posts. Thank you. Especially as I know you are all dealing with your own loss and grief.

I've got all teary again.

I'll do another thread tomorrow when I have the laptop open.

Thank you all again. Such kindness and love is much appreciated 💓

Thinking of you today @Crunchymum and your wonderful Mum, I am glad the sun is shining for her and for you. Would be lovely to have a new thread as others have said this is such a nice thread to offload sometimes when you don't know where else to say things.

Thank you all once again for holding me up on Sunday, I've started a new thread ❤

www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/5415656-for-anyone-needing-support-after-losing-a-parent-very-supportive-thread-september-2025

I lost my dad suddenly 12 weeks ago and this morning my mum passed away. My heart is completely broken 💔

@ShyGreyFinch- I am just devastated for your news. I can’t even imagine and no words will help you right now just sending you lots of strength as you navigate this

@ShyGreyFinch I'm so sorry, that is the absolutely devastating. Sending you so much love and strength, like @elmleemum says, there are no words ❤

@ShyGreyFinch , oh my , I can't even imagine how you must be feeling 💔
I dont know what your beliefs or your parents circumstances might be, so I hope I dont offend by saying that maybe theres a shred of comfort in the idea they might be reunited again xx

@ShyGreyFinch I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how you must be feeling. Thinking of you ❤️

@ShyGreyFinch I'm so sorry, that must be heartbreaking. Sending very best wishes xx

@ShyGreyFinch so sorry. How heartbreaking for you. Sending lots of love ❤

@ShyGreyFinch oh my goodness that’s awful I’m so sorry. Trying to adjust to one loss then another coming along so quickly is gut wrenching. Life can be so cruel. Sending condolences x

@ShyGreyFinch I'm so sorry to hear that, how awful for you. Sending love❤️