For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (November 2023)

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/4493231-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-March-2022?page=39&reply=130357515

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

Thanks @dmango I agree, mum was always interested in what her grandchildren were doing. Her death seems such a waste of all that knowledge and ability.

Thank you, it means a lot to know that I’m not alone in that train of thought.

And for those facing this journey with kids, I have the utmost admiration. I am child free (by choice), so I should maybe count myself lucky that I only have myself to think about. I look back now re my mum who lost her dad when she was around 34. She adored him, he was a truly amazing man. I just can’t get my head around how she dealt with that along with two kids under ten and a not great marriage.

That poem line is a lovely thought. Mostly, I really hope she knows that her beloved cat is doing ok and that I’m doing my best to take care of her.

You lot are much better at describing how I feel than I am!!! A glitch in our world … I like that. Starting here to focus on the funeral (delayed until we can get everyone together) and going through paperwork. My DH is utterly wonderful thank goodness and is propping me up. More practical than emotional, he’s my rock (for nearly 40 years). I do feel a bit calmer and last night had the first proper sleep since we lost mum, 18 days ago.

My mum died 4 years ago (almost) and I've posted on here from time to time.
My eldest was the same age my little one is now when she died, which is making it feel more present currently.
Anyway I've been looking back at pictures and it is hard to imagine that my mum ever existed. Like looking at someone I once knew. Such an odd sensation.

Have you ever had bereavement counselling ? I really think you could find it beneficial. It's helped me immensely

It's been 4 months since Mum died and this last week has been as hard as when it first happened.

I don't know why but I'm just so sad. There's 2 versions of me, the one everyone sees, smiling, laughing, getting on with work, then the sad one behind closed doors.

There's so much I want to tell her, I'd give anything to sit with a brew and put the world to rights.

@Fightingdragonswithyou I feel the same and I’m coming up for 5 months. I think I read on this thread somewhere that 4/5 months is a hard time. It’s maybe starting to sink in that this is real and permanent.
i would give anything to just talk to her again too, I just miss her so much,
I think it’s also the start of the summer holidays so I’m finished work for 6 weeks so have more time to think.

I still read this but don’t have the energy often to write. I lost my dad at the end of March and feel similar to you @Fightingdragonswithyou. I feel like there’s the me that everyone sees, and then the invisible me, sitting alongside her, invisible and just sobbing on the floor, to be honest. My DH is pushing me to get therapy, but I’m not sure how a therapist can help really. I’m just sad and there’s a good reason for that, so what can be said or done? 🤷‍♀️

Lost my dad suddenly 3 weeks ago and I feel so lost. It's been harder since the funeral cause I'm not distracted anymore. Wish I knew what to do with myself

Such wise words from everyone here. @IJWMM you really have encapsulated what I'm feeling.
It is, as everyone has said, the weight of never speaking to them again that I think I've been struggling with most recently. We're away at the moment and I can't believe I'm not sending her pictures of what I'm up to and even speaking to other people isn't the same as we were so similar that I'd tell her very specific things that no one else would care about! Had a big cry yesterday about it all. I'm 9 months on from mum's death and there are still moments where it's as fresh and painful as those early days. I have considered bereavement counselling and am on a cruse waiting list (and have been for 6 months!!) but as @Monket said, I'm sad and I know why!

@monket - I understand that reticence re therapy. You’ve suffered a significant loss, how on earth can anyone make it feel better?

The truth is - they can’t. But what they can do is provide a setting for you to speak as freely as you want. There’s no worry about modifying your fractured thought processes so as not to be a downer with your friends, burden your partner, shield your children etc. Mine has been put on hold for a number of months for reasons not related to me, but I didn’t want to start over with someone new - am hoping to resume again soon. I really was sceptical, but I do think it helped, even if I didn’t realise it at the time.

I’m probably not helping much, but the best thing I can say about it is as described above, you don’t need to put on a facade for people you care about. It is never going to make everything ok, because your life is forever changed. But it can give you space to talk about this new “glitchy” world with no worry about anyone other than you and how you’re feeling. It took me a fair few sessions to realise this, but it has helped somewhat.

@ShyGreyFinch - am so sorry that you’ve lost your dad so suddenly. It’s completely understandable that you feel so lost, especially given it’s only been three weeks.

Try to get good sleep when you can, and eat something too - even if it’s toast and butter, I know it can be hard to even be interested in food so early in.

Kerp posting on here, no matter how you’re feeling. It’s a lovely group of people. I spend more time reading than posting, have done so for the last 18 months. It brings some comfort to know that others out there are supporting each other and that they have somewhere to go to voice their feelings.

@MySandwich - the not talking is the hardest thing. As you say, I’d update my mum with the most boring/random/mundane/funny things which I’d never think to bring up when catching up with anyone else. I just knew that my mum would listen (I probably bored her to tears!).

I know I’m past the “bargaining” stage of grief, but I really wish that we were allocated a 10 minute call with them once a year. I’d take that like a shot.

I had tears, out of the blue today, because I had my old decking ripped out. It was the realisation that we’d sat out on the decking numerous times and now it was gone, another change that she won’t witness. I know I’ll be ok, but it’s the weirdest situations that just wipe the floor from under you.

As in my reply above, it’s worth staying on the waiting list for counselling. You may find it’s not for you, but I would recommend it.

@ShyGreyFinch I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish I could give you advice but there's nothing to make it better.
The most useful thing anyone said to me was "I'm sorry. It's shit" and they were so right. It is shitter than shit.
Be gentle on yourself.
I found getting outside every day helped a little for my mind, just looking at the birds, feeling the fresh air and especially being at the beach watching and listening to the waves was somehow comforting.

I’d also recommend counselling. @IJWMM has described it’s benefits really well…
On another topic, has anyone noticed weight gain accompanying their grief? I know it’s common for the opposite to happen when we’re not feeling up to eating but I’ve noticed I’ve been gaining weight gradually over the last year (it’s a year ago today since my dad went into hospital). I’ve read a bit about how increased cortisol levels due to stress can promote fat storage, particularly around the abdomen. Has anyone else experienced this? My gut/digestion has also been a bit out of whack, especially those first few months after Dad died. The physical effects of grief are wild!
Sending you all lots of love ❤️

@Fightingdragonswithyou That really is the most useful thing!! A friend of mine who has suffered lots of loss said something similar and that’s it, ‘it’s just shit!’
@WomanUp24 I lost weight over the period my mum was ill and in hospital. Really because I was having a bowl of cereal for lunch and dinner most days. I’ve noticed I’ve been putting it back on, more than I’d like to. My eating is still weird and not as healthy as I’d like. I’m going to try and reset over the summer. I normally like cooking healthily but I’ve just been not bothered. I think you’re right about cortisol I’ve also just ordered some magnesium butter to try and help my sleep.
it is all indeed shit and the one person who would listen to all this is not here 😞 thank goodness for everyone on here, although sad we’re all here for the same shit reason!!

Thank you @IJWMM - definitely something I will consider.

As you said- it gives you an outlet to talk about that person. I often feel like people simply don't know how to respond when I talk about my mum (not even referencing her death, just things she did), as if they're going to have to deal with me being upset. At the beginning, people made comments about not knowing what to say and I would say "really there's nothing bad you can say, except for maybe: good riddance!" 😂 And they still looked vaguely appalled!

It's the strangest thing watching others react to your grief. It's so intensely lonely I think and when I do make reference to my mum being dead some people just look so horrified!

All this to say, it's shit. A friend's mum died not long after mine and I simply messaged him to say I was sorry he was in the worst club in the world 💚 I do think we should get badges though!

Im Clearing out my dad a flat which is so difficult. I just want him back now 💔

I really feel for you, it’s such a difficult process to navigate. I think it’s also hard to offer any guidance as everything is so different for everyone.

All I can offer, looking back, is to try to break things down. Maybe move everything from one room so that you have a totally clear space - I did this with mum’s things.

With that empty room, I then stuck bits of paper on the walls to indicate donate, skip, keep (me), keep (sibling), unsure,etc.

Even the pieces I decided to keep for me, it’s taken well over a year for me to integrate them into my space - I wasn’t ready until very recently.

I don’t think I’m explaining it very well, but am trying to say - don’t rush things, but don’t hold on to random stuff. The items you do decide to keep, don’t feel you have to find a p,ace for them immediately. And, those items you choose to donate, take comfort from the fact that your dad is helping others. Because I do gift aid, the charity I donate to send me an email every tax year to advise how much my donated items have raised and how much extra is from gift aid.

Aside from the above waffle, I really want to acknowledge your last sentence. That feeling is so intense and completely understandable. Just know that this board is here for you.

I’ve started clearing Mum’s things - every time I go to her home it’s changed just a bit more, and it hurts a bit more. Another physical representation of losing her, but trying to pace myself.

Just been catching up on everyone's messages since I was last here. I relate so much to what you are all saying. @KylieKangaroo I'm exactly the same re grief catching me at quiet moments which are few and far between with young children and school holidays!

My brother and I met a childhood friend of my dad's for dinner last week. We hadn't seen him since we were tiny but he'd reached out after Dad died. He'd known my Dad since they were 11. It was lovely to meet him and have the chance to talk about Dad but also made me very emotional.

Hope everyone is hanging in there.

@MySandwich i really relate to how lonely grief is. It was a friend’s big birthday last weekend with some long arranged plans for a group to stay at ours, but despite them all being lovely people, on reflection the day after I felt that I’d probably banged on about my Dad too much. But he’s on my mind relentlessly. Maybe counselling would help.

It’s also been both my birthday and my Mum’s birthday this week, so many firsts just six weeks on. We’ve kept things low key, just going out for fizz and cake instead of a meal, and more than anything just being together. But with tears mixed in.

Solidarity and hugs to you all.

Hi

Just a checking in with everyone to see how they are post?
I’m off for the school holidays and it’s been quite hard not having work. I think I’ve had more time to miss my mum and the contrast between last summer and this one without her has been hard.
I think like lots of you, I feel like two different people ~ one on the outside which seems to be getting on with it but on the inside I feel like I’m constantly about to cry or have a lump in my throat.

I hope everyone is going ok ♥️

Hi @dmango I hope you are doing okay. It sounds familiar having more time to think and more time to miss them. I'm having a bit of a wobble at the moment and struggling to find the joy in anything but I guess as they say grief is up and down and you never know where you are with it in my experience.

I get this feeling so much. I hand back my dads keys back on Monday and I feel like I'm losing him again. I don't want to let the house go 😩 sending you love.