For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (November 2023)

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/4493231-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-March-2022?page=39&reply=130357515

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

@elmleemum, the early days are so hard and I found it’s hard to see how you will ever get through them.
However, yes, I do find I am more able to concentrate on the sadness and memories now than reliving the last few weeks and my DF’s death over and over as I found myself in the early weeks. It’s coming up for 10 months here.
I remember feeling like I was sleep walking through days for quite a while, like I was almost in a separate place to the people living around me. If I look back at Xmas, which was 2 months after my DF died, my memories are quite hazy and I know I wasn’t fully present for much of that time. But if I think back to March, my thoughts are a lot clearer. So it took quite a while, but I found it does lift with time. I still have days where I find myself crying very easily, and my mind does wander but it is easier now.
Sending you best wishes. Take one day at a time. Have you had the funeral yet?

@Earlydarkdays - thank you. That does give me some hope. I know what you mean about sleep walking I feel like I am not really here most of the time and it’s a bit of an effort to do things with my kids. I’m also on school summer holidays so I am not so distracted by being busy which doesn’t help - funeral is in 9 days and it’s the last thing i want to think about but trying to support my mum with finding photos and readings and it’s so hard as I just don’t want to be believing we’re having his funeral. My mum is being amazing too which kind of helps me but worries me that she’s not really dealing with it yet?

@elmleemum yes you do get to the point where you can remember them without crying, go easy on yourself as you are still in the trenches right now 😢

@Earlydarkdays it sounds like your Dad would have laughed about what happened at the funeral, sometimes it's nice to be reminded of the funny quirks that made people who they were

Seven weeks on here and good and (mainly if I’m honest) bad days. Trying to clear Mum’s apartment and it seems every possession makes me cry. Mainly I’m trying to do so in private - I think there’s a societal expectation that once the funeral is over things start to, if not improve, then settle a bit. But I still feel as much shock as I did on Day 1 and the idea that I’ll never speak to Mum again is just alien to me.

@atesomanybananas- I feel for you. I’m only 3 weeks in and still have my DM at their house but when I visit and see all my DFs stuff never to be used again it’s just absolutely heartbreaking. I feel the same as you and I’ve been lucky to be off work so far as in a school but I will have to go back after the funeral next week and I think people will expect me to be functioning normally and I can’t see that happening for a long while yet. I still wake early every morning feeling absolutely sick and replaying everything in my head and struggle through each day. Maybe the distraction of work will help a bit but I can’t see it right now

@atesomanybananas I completely relate to not believing that you'll never talk to her again.

I'm 4.5 months in and while the day to day pain and shock has reduced, every time something out of the ordinary happens, I want to tell her.

I've been struggling a bit for the past 10 days or so and been wearing her old jumper which helps.

@elmleemum work has been a successful distraction for me, hope it is for you too.

Thanks again to @Crunchymum for starting this thread, I don't always post but even on very sad days I still read.

O gosh I know that feeling of not believing I’ll never me able to talk to her again, it’s agony. I’m nearly 6 months in now and I keep thinking how much I need to tell my mum things or check in with her.

@BerfyTigot and @elmleemum I’m also in the position of finding work a helpful distraction. I’m a teacher and have found the summer break a struggle.

@atesomanybananas Be kind to yourself as from my experience it all feels worse after the funeral. The numbness and busyness of the period leading up to a funeral seems to offer a little protection from the sadness and heartache. Just take it at your pace and slowly one day at a time.

I also agree thank you for starting this thread it’s like a lifeline ❤️

I agree @dmango . Although mum had been ill for 6 months, her decline was rapid. I see now that i was in shock for about 3 weeks and on autopilot arranging the funeral.

Once the funeral is done, there's an expectation that you'll move on.

Hope everyone is doing ok today 🙏

Morning all - how is everyone? I’m feeling so so flat at the moment - which I know is to be expected but I feel like this is how I am now and it can’t change as I can’t see how that gets better. I can’t find joy in anything not even my kids although I do put on a brave face obviously. I also worry about my DM who is doing super well. Which is good but it worries me that she’s not really dealing with it. Then I wonder if she sees it differently to me. Although she wasn’t officially his carer she spent the last few years worrying daily about him and his health and worry when they went out etc and stopped doing things - is it possible she feels some sense of relief as bad as that sounds - don’t get me wrong she adored him but I think life had got tougher for them. Just trying to understand my feelings and others at the moment x

Hi @elmleemum I'm really sorry you're feeling flat. From my own experience, grief can be very up and down. There are times when I feel like I'm managing okay, and then suddenly it all feels like it's falling apart, leaving me feeling low and empty. That lack of joy you're describing is something I know all too well. I’m about to start bereavement counseling myself, and I used the same words to describe where I am, "getting on with it, but with a total lack of joy."
Thinking about your mum, I do think it’s possible to feel a sense of 'relief', although maybe that word doesn’t quite capture it. When someone we care about has been struggling, and we've been so worried about them, it can be hard to describe the mix of emotions. I also think that, in the early days, we can feel numb, and that’s part of the process. Grief affects everyone differently, and sometimes what we show on the outside doesn’t reflect what’s really going on inside.
Is there anything that brings you comfort or peace right now? I know I found walking and getting back into yoga helpful for my mental wellbeing. But at times, all I could manage was staying in bed and watching mindless TV. I understand that with young children, finding time for yourself can be really hard. They can also be a comfort and distraction. I think the times I do feel like I'm doing ok or some relative happiness are when I'm with my grandson.
I hope today brings you at least a few moments of peace. Sending love to you and everyone here.

just a really tough day, it’s been 3 months and it just feels harder, miss my mum so much, I have so much to tell her.

I'm feeling like this too @doodleygirl . Just over 3 months for me.

I keep thinking about what that person on this thread said very eloquently about being on an aeroplane and realising no matter how far they travelled they'd never find their parent. I'm 41, if I'm lucky I am halfway or so through my life, I'm so sad that I have to do half my life without my Dad. He was just always there and I'm struggling that he is just not there now. On the other hand I try to be grateful that he was there for all the things he was there for. Ugh feel very sad today. Hope everyone is doing okay

I've had a horrible week at work on top of having some awful flu bug and I just want my mum.

A few years ago I had a breakdown and my mum was always there, everyday she'd ring me and listen to me. I'm so scared I'm going to slip back into that dark place and I won't have her here to help.

@kiwiblue im sorry you are struggling as well, it’s just all kinds of awful. I’m 61, mum was 86, I had so much time with her but it’s just never enough, we always want more. I hope you’ve got support in real life.

@Fightingdragonswithyou im sorry you are also going through this awful time, Try and remember how much she loved you and wouldn’t want you to go back there, you can always talk to us. Sending hugs to you

@kiwiblueand @doodleygirlI empathise - I am 49 and DF was 80 and it just felt too soon I think as it was sudden. But I do know lots of people lose parents so much earlier so I’m trying to feel grateful and remember all the things he was here for. He’s seen my children become teenagers so managed to spend all of their early childhood with them and saw me and my siblings major milestones . I try to think that if I lived to 80 and saw my children get to 50 and saw their children become teenagers I would think I’d done well in life. Just can’t quite find comfort in that yet but I hope I will in time.

Sending love to you all and reading all your messages.
feeling pretty flat and sad at the moment, find myself hoping Dad will come back sometimes. It’s been 5 months, the shock has gone but the sadness is constant.
i feel so lucky to have had such a good Dad but so so sad he’s gone.

My dad died in April whilst on holiday overseas.

I know full well what you mean when the shock has gone but the sadness is constant.

I half expect to see him in his home town when I am there and feel sad when he does not. American football season starts this weekend (he loved watching it and was a huge Steelers fan) and I won’’t be able to talk to him about that either. Such is life.

I’m at nearly 6 months now and that resonates with me too.
Rationally I know my mum’s gone but the sadness just pervades everything. Like you @YourVividDuck I’m so grateful I had her but devastated she’s gone. I’d like to be able to lean into the appreciation having her more but just don’t feel I can at the moment.

Sending love to everyone. It’s my DF funeral tomorrow and I am in pieces this evening 😞

Sending you love and strength tomorrow @elmleemum

I hope it passes peacefully for you.

Sending you much love @elmleemum Will be thinking of you tomorrow and I hope you are able to say goodbye to your Dad in the way you want to. X

Please can I join? Lost my beautiful dm just 9 days ago, after nursing her through end of life. It was just her and I together when she passed. After hiding at home for a week, I’m now in the thick of funeral plans.. my heart is broken and I feel permanently numb. I have been crying non stop but haven’t shed a tear for the last two days 😔

Hi @pumpkinpen I’m so sorry you lost your lovely mum. Sending you lots of love at this very difficult time.

The shock at losing someone you love so much is truly awful. It’s a really hard time so please take care of yourself. I think it’s so different but equally hard for us all and your emotions and reactions/feelings can feel so muddled. I would just try and sit with whatever you’re feeling, if you’re able to, and try not to worry or overthink. I found sometimes the tears would appear without warning and then I would find myself with none and feeling empty.

It’s a hard journey but this group is very supportive.
Take good care of yourself xx

@pumpkinpen- sending lots of love and strength. I’m nearly 4 weeks on from my DF sudden death and I’ve had tearful days and numb days. Always permanently in a fog too. I feel like your body goes numb for a bit to let you recover from the tears as it’s physically as well as emotionally draining. I am permanently exhausted. I know words don’t help much right now but look after yourself and come back here if you need to offload - everyone has been so lovely

Thinking of you today @elmleemum 💚