For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (November 2023)

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/4493231-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-March-2022?page=39&reply=130357515

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

@KylieKangaroo I feel like you everything is back to being an effort and no joy in anything. I think my one take away is that yes everyone says grief is not linear and you go ‘backwards’ up and down etc and I totally relate.

I’m also having a wobble so feel for you, it’s horrible isn’t?! Take care and I suppose all we can do is keep going and take one day at a time xx

Honestly @dmango I could have written your post. I'm also off for the school holidays and like you said, just constantly reminded of this time last year (thank you phone for popping up with "memories" every 5 minutes). I spent so much time with my mum in the holidays and she'd help with my classroom and it just feels so strange not being with her. Had some very down days and I think it's totally normal to feel this way. I've also had another bereavement this summer so a lot of feelings!

O @MySandwich I’m so sorry you’ve had another bereavement and missing your mum too. It’s so hard 😞

I think I planned carefully as I knew it would be hard. We went away as the soon as the holidays started and did something different to avoid the comparison to last year. We’d always start the holiday with a break away with mum. The break went well and it sort of honoured my mum but it’s like I forgot it would still be there when I got back.

I also had one of those phone pop-ups reminding me of a day out we all had last year, it’s heartbreaking.
I just feel so sad again and honestly like I have a continuous lump in my throat but still trying to appear normal to everyone.

I think starting the new term will be good for me and I’m looking forward to getting back to work. I hope it gets easier for you and you can have some peace in the last couple of weeks of the summer holiday xx

I hope everyone is as ok as you can be at the moment. The busyness of
term time doesn’t give you much space to think which I know I found a good thing at times, so I understand what you mean now it’s the summer. I’ve been off for the school holidays for the last 6 weeks as well (teacher), but I am heading back next week as our holidays are slightly earlier here. We would always go away with my parents every summer for a week to so, and we made the trip with just my Mum this summer which I found very strange. We went somewhere new and were near good friends which provided distraction which helped though. In some ways I feel like the holidays have given me more time to think which is both good and bad.

I’m feeling quite weird about back next week. My Dad was also a teacher and had been retired for about 10 years before he died. Every year, at the start of term, we’d spend ages talking about my class, my plans for themes etc and he would make bits and pieces for me to use at school - we both loved the chats, it was something I loved about going on to do the same job he had done. I’m feeling very sad about the lack of that this year for the first time.

It feels like a strange thing to miss, but you don’t realise the 1000 small things you will miss until they come up and then I find myself taken aback when I realise why I feel that way.

Hope everyone is as ok as possible at the moment. I had a pretty decent week last week, but today grief hit me like a train. We’re off to France tomorrow, and my Dad would have had all his maps out and planned the route endlessly. Of all the things to miss, but the tears just kept coming today. The foreverness of his loss just feels overwhelming.

Hugs to everyone having a hard time at the moment. Me, my mum and brother went to mum & dads happy place at the weekend. Last year mum & dad were sat on a bench looking out to sea without a care in the world, this weekend we went back and laid flowers on that bench for dad. Really emotional but so glad we did it. I brought back some sand from the beach and have ordered a personalised keepsake bottle from Etsy so i can put the sand in it for mum. Sobbed like a baby when we got back as I'd been trying to be strong for mum all day and i just couldn't keep it in. @dibly I totally understand, i'm not grieving his death anymore but his absence 😢

“The foreverness of his loss just feels overwhelming”.
You’ve absolutely nailed it with this phrase @dibly. This is exactly what I struggle to articulate. It feels like I’m living in an alternate reality. I’ve not been too bad recently but last night one of his favourite songs came on and another wave of grief hit me. Sending lots of love to everyone. It’s great to have this space to share with people who ‘get it’ ❤️

I’m sadly joining you on this thread. Lost my DF 10 days ago and I’m struggling so much. Just feels so overwhelming at the moment - I know things will ease in time but I just can’t function right now. I also feel like some people don’t understand why I’m so sad as he was 80 - and we had a lot to be grateful for - he lived a happy life until the last day and we were all close as a family and saw him with the grandkids so much. He didn’t suffer or have a long decline although we have some difficult feelings over his death as only he had his usual UTI but it must have turned into sepsis or got to his heart . So our Grief is complicated by wondering if we should have spotted something earlier and got medical help earlier. It’s tough to push those thoughts aside. He was starting to get a few health niggles in his old age that maybe all put together sadly caused this - but it feels so sudden. It’s hard to comprehend. I worry for my mum too.

Yes @dibly I agree that phrase articulates it completely, ‘the foreverness of the loss..’ I think that’s what keeps stopping me short! It’s forever and there’s no coming back from this. Which intellectually and rationally I know but I don’t think my heart has accepted it.

@Earlydarkdays Yes another teacher here and in my last two weeks and I think I’ll be relieved to be back at school. Sorry you have another edge to it with not having your dad to talk about the start of the year with. I hope it goes well and thinking of you.

It’s definitely all the little things, I think somehow you prepare for the big stuff. But last night I was driving near to my mum’s flat and I just thought I’d love to stop and make her a cup of tea and for her to say, ‘You’re a good girl!’ Even though I’m 55 years old and no one else would be calling me a girl! I cried all the way home.

Sending lots of love to everyone going through this and I agree it helps to have somewhere to say this stuff to people who get it.

Hi @elmleemum I’m so sorry I missed your post earlier.

So sorry for your loss, it’s horrible and the first few weeks are truly awful. Sending you much love and condolences.
I don’t know if it will help but I think even when a death is more expected, you still feel like this, ‘did we miss something, could we have prevented this?’ My mum was quite frail and I think the doctors were surprised we weren’t more prepared to lose her but I still think if we’d got her to hospital sooner, if we hadn’t let them discharge her when they did.. could we have bought some more time?! I don’t know, I don’t think so but I’m trying to to torture myself with these thoughts but it’s hard. I know too just because our loved ones are older it’s not any easier and for our parents we haven’t lived our lives without them so it’s such a loss.

I’m sad you’re in the position to need this thread but it’s honestly amazing for helping share feelings, clarify thinking, just feeling like people understand so keep posting if you want or need to and you’ll get lots of support. In these early days just take it very easy and do whatever feels right for you. During those early few days I sometimes had days I just stayed in bed and other days I got up and cleared my house or organised all my mum’s photos, it really is do what you need. Take good care of yourself xx

@dmangothank you so much what a lovely response and has already made me feel a bit better. I do think the what ifs are probably part of the grief as we would do anything to go back in time and not have this happen but it’s is another complication on top of all the other awful feelings. Nice to know it’s maybe more normal than I think and hopefully that will stop being the overriding feeling in time. Hindsight is not my friend. It is nice to know I have somewhere to read and post whilst I navigate this. I am nearly 50 and it’s my first close family loss so I know I’ve been lucky but equally I’ve had my dad in my life for 50 years and will feel his loss hugely. I just catch myself sometimes whilst planning the funeral wondering what on earth I am doing this can’t be real 😞

@elmleemum I'm so sorry for the loss of your wonderful Dad, the early days are just about getting through each day and you find that the shock will carry you through, make sure you look after yourself.

I don't think it matters what age your parents are we will never be ready to let go of them, how can we be. I hope you are doing as okay as can be x

So sorry you're having to join us here. It's still so early so be gently with yourself. I understand the what ifs, it's so difficult. Last time I spoke to my dad he said he wasn't feeling well and I've been torturing myself but no good can come of it. Sending you hugs

Thanks for all the lovely support - it does really help. I hate that we are all having to be here but really appreciate having a space to air things. I’m struggling with how hard I’m finding this - I thought I was prepared if you know what I mean. You know your parents will likely go before you if things take their natural order and I thought about it a lot in recent years as they headed towards 80 - that felt like borrowed time to me in a way. So we had made sure we saw them regularly and made lots of memories but the reality has been overwhelming. The shock of it doesn’t help. And I still struggle with the what ifs massively some days. I know we can’t change anything now but I would give anything for one more day or more. I guess though I would have felt like this even if he had lived longer? I’m trying to think that now I’m on the other side of losing a parent I realise how awful it is but trying to accept it’s something I would have had to go through even if he had gone on a few more years?

@elmleemum I feel the same. Someone said to me you can never prepare yourself. I felt I should have been more prepared as my dad was not in great health, but I think I had my head in the sand a bit. Also there is never enough time- someone said that to me too and I found it a bit comforting. My dad was in NZ so I have huge guilt at how much I'd seen him but thankfully I'd been out at Christmas and my brother and I spent a week with him right before he died. I hold onto those times now. I too would give almost anything to see him again though. I am struggling a lot this week. It's still very early days for you so just hang in there and be kind to yourself. It does get easier and you learn to live with it a bit but it's still awful for me 3 months on. I just am able to hold it together outwardly now although I'm often not feeling together at all. Sending you hugs.

GCSE results day is here and I've had a little (well big) cry this morning.

Mum would be my first phone call to tell her how DD did and the gaping hole is very noticeable right now.

DD did amazingly to sit her exams just weeks after we lost her beloved Grandma, in fact she had a practical exam just 3 days after 😓.

I know how proud Mum would be of her. It's days like this that it hurts so much.

@Fightingdragonswithyou- we are in the same boat today. It’s been an emotional morning. My DF would have been so so proud of his eldest grandchild’s results today. He helped get him to and from exams this summer so was very involved. I felt sick all morning as I want to be happy for my son but it feels so bittersweet right now 😞

I am really missing my Mum today so joining this thread if that’s ok. She died in January. She had dementia but I thought we would have longer. She was a wonderful person, everyone loved her and I was so lucky to have her as my Mum. I miss her so much. It’s funny how grief just hits you sometimes. I found myself crying in M&S earlier because I saw a jumper that she would have liked. We still have so much to sort out with selling her house etc and I’m absolutely dreading it.

Sorry for everyone missing their parents on results day 😞 It’s hard not being able to share the highs (and the lows) with those who were so invested in their family’s successes.
@user1460471313 I’m so sorry for the loss of your lovely mum. Losing your mum is so hard and like you I’m so grateful I had my mum as my mum but the loss hits hard. I know that feeling of tears catching you unawares and it is the things like a jumper she would have liked.
Just sending you lots of love really and I hope this thread helps you, I’ve found it so helpful xx

@dmangoand @user1460471313- we’ve been looking for readings for DF funeral and this one from Winnie the Pooh sums it up - ‘how lucky I am to have had something that makes saying goodbye so hard’. This really said it all to me - we miss them so much as we loved them very much and we’re lucky to have them in our lives x

That’s beautiful @elmleemum and truly sums it up ❤️

Evening all. I’m sitting here rocking my son to sleep, and it’s during these moments that I often take the time to remember my dad & shed a tear or two. I had a sudden pang of anxiety that I might forget what he looked like or sounded like and then it occurred to me, I won’t, because I have so many photos and videos of him. Then I got to thinking about the quality of the images and audio we posses now, which we’ll be able to show our children one day, who can then show their children and so on… it’s something our grandparents and great grandparents could barely have imagined. They will have lost their parents once upon a time and had to rely almost solely on their memories. Aren’t we lucky? Just something positive to reflect on for a change 😊
I hope everyone is doing ok ❤️‍🩹

Hi. Hope you're doing ok. I'm so glad I have videos and voicemails from my dad even though right now it's really difficult to listen to them I know I will cherish them in the future. It's only been 6 weeks so still really raw x

Evening all, how are you? How are you managing this week? I’m so sorry for the fact that some of you have recently had to join us here after losing your beloved parent.

It’s coming up to 10 months since we lost my DF suddenly at the end of October last year. I can’t really get my head around where most of this year has gone.

I was thinking the other day about those stories that become ‘family folklore’ and that in time, we will hopefully be able to use to reminisce with so much love about our dear parents. As you say, @WomanUp24, we are lucky to have access to photos and videos in a way that generations before us didn’t have.

I was thinking about the fact my Dad’s funeral is likely to become one of those family folklore tales to be honest given what happened. The minister (the minister from their church for the last 20 years) went to the wrong crematorium across the other side of the city so was 25 minutes late for the start of the service. A wonderful family friend stood up and explained and then started the service, and I then continued it until the minister arrived. At the time, all I could do was laugh because my Dad was known for turning up in the wrong place (wrong wedding, wrong holiday cottage etc more than once!) and not realising for a while so it felt so apt for him that it happened, and caused much laughter on a difficult day. My DF had a wonderful sense of humour and so many of my favourite memories of him are funny and full of laughter as I think of them. It’s a nice way to be able to think of him.

If anyone else is feeling it would help, I’d love to hear some of the stories that make happy memories of your dear parent.

I’m struggling with the memories or even thinking of DF at the moment. I feel like I’m walking on a tightrope just pushing myself forwards doing things I have to do and if I stop and look or think I will fall into this deep pit of despair. I constantly have a knot of something in my stomach and I just can’t see how I will ever feel like I used to ever again. I’m only 2.5 weeks on so I know it’s all so raw and new but I’m having all the feels right now - especially replaying the last few days. Do you ever get to a point where you are just dealing with the sadness and focussing on other memories rather than agonising over and reliving how it ended ? I don’t know what I’m asking really just feel so awful 😞