For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (November 2023)

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/4493231-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-March-2022?page=39&reply=130357515

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

My mum died a few years ago and Christmas has been hard ever since @SchoolQuestionnaire. All events have been tinged with a bit if sadness. This year with my Dad dying so recently Christmas is just going to be for the kids.

It is definitely comforting to have people going through similar to talk to. @Ficidy I think I might be still not fully accepting my Dad’s death. It was unexpected, sudden and not a natural death so I think I’m struggling more than when my Mum died after a long illness. There have been occasions when I think about him and a wave of fear hits me and I have to force myself to stop.

Today is the first anniversary of my lovely Mum’s death. She got to 92 and her passing was very peaceful, so she did well. I’m sitting here in floods of tears just wishing we could have one more day together, I miss her so much. But, that’s all the ‘firsts’ over now, let’s hope it gets easier.

It’s all so sad isn’t it. My mums funeral is the 20th, just before Christmas. We also have a meeting with the funeral home and minister, which I’m dreading, on my 40th birthday.

We have the decorations up but we put them up the evening before she died that night. I’m not massively feeling the way but I’m doing my best for the sake of the kids.

Hi 👋 I have been on this thread before with a different username - I lost a parent suddenly in the pandemic but this is my 3rd Christmas and it's still taken me by surprise how hard it is. They played all those old Xmas songs in Sainsbury's today and I had to ditch the trolley and get out - the rest of the day was a numb blur. I have to keep the Christmas thing together as I have 2 toddlers who need me to do all the festive things but honestly I just want to fast forward to January. This thread has always been a port in the bereavement storm (and mercifully a kind place to grieve) x

I just wanted to check back in. @UpUpUpU I send you big hugs. This is absolutely shit isn’t it? I feel so empty but I don’t think I’ve even come close to rock bottom yet. Somehow I’m still stuck thinking about that my mum went peacefully and now this week that the funeral went well and she would have been “pleased” at it all. Christmas was always such a cornerstone of my family growing up and I’m trying so hard for the children who are so excited for Santa but I just don’t feel anything. I’m worried I’m broken now and I won’t ever be happy again.

My mum died im November and the funeral was two days ago. I was fine until just after the funeral but I've barely stopped crying since. I just feel terrible.

I’m so sorry @existentialpain i remember that when my mum died a few years ago. I’m anticipating it again after my dad’s funeral next week. I remember thinking it felt like everybody went back to normal but it wasn’t normal for me. It was still so hard.

This is it - it's like everyone else has gone back to normal and we are here in limboland. So many people got in touch between my dad's sudden death and the funeral, but there has been very little contact since.

I don't know how I'm feeling. Relatively ok one minute, reeling the next. I miss him so much. I don't want to think too hard about the fact that I'll never see him again because it's too hard a reality to acknowledge.

Could I join? My Mum died suddenly in the Summer, she was only 55. I get married next year and My fiancé’s Mum also died a few years ago. It keeps hitting me how neither of us will have our Mums at the wedding and that our future children will never have that Grandma/Granny relationship. It’s hard to explain how lonely I felt instantly when she died, that person that will always love you unconditionally is gone.

God it a so shit. So sorry to everyone else struggling right now too.
its my birthday on Monday (the big 4 0) and I was already dreading it before mum died. Now I have to be on funeral arranging duties and Cole left her death certificate the same day.

My friends have been great. One is picking me and my pony up first thing Monday so we can take the horses out for a blast and then my son (who’s 5) wants to take me out for food after school, then my partner will be here in the evening. I really am going to try and make the most of the day as that’s what mum would have wanted. I think she’d have been quite annoyed that the only day the minister had to make arrangements was my birthday, but it is what it is.

I am currently being a shit parent as I’m so flat and distracted but doing my best with the emotional resources I have x

May I join you please? I lost my Dad 6 months ago, he was ill and slowly deteriorating but died quite suddenly in the end. I'm going ok generally and putting a face on for Christmas and my kids. My main issue is that I am consumed with guilt everyday especially at times after I've been out or with friends or doing something "nice", I suddenly feel like I shouldn't have been there or done that as it's disrespectful and looks like I've forgotten about him.
I have a big birthday coming up in February and my kids have organised a party for me but I'm now not sure I can go through with it because of how I know it will make me feel.
My emotions are just all over the place.

Thank you, I'm taken by surprise really because I coped well with my dad's death and funeral, but then I guess my relationship with him was more straightforward. I was okay about my mum's death (ish) until the funeral but now I keep thinking about the grave and feeling massively upset. I went to a carol service this morning and started crying in the middle of it. I'm very private with my emotions normally. This is just so hard.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. I'm totally sure your dad wouldn't want you to feel guilty. He knows you loved him and will always remember him. One thing I know about my mum is that she would want us to have a decent christmas (not that it's possible :() and not be upset over her, never mind guilty. You can honor and remember your dad and still focus on other things too.

Can I also join please?
My mum died last week, peacefully, on her own terms after being bloody miserable for a good year. Nothing wrong except for old age and having given up, then a sudden acute infection. She was in her 80s.

I know how grief went/goes/is going. When my Dad died, and my partner died it was awful, but the grief was/is straightforward (one died 22 years ago, the other 18 months ago.) Painful, but I'm processing it.

With Mum though...she has been so miserable for so long, it feels almost like I lost the real her years ago. When I think of her now I get two totally separate images. One is of her in the 1980s when she was younger than I am now, and dynamic, the other is of this awful crabbed figure making strange noises to get sympathy, and wailing about how sad and lonely she was, then loudly calling herself names - all for effect.

In an epic fall out a few months ago, she told me that she didn't like me much as a child, although she loved me. In those years I was desperate for her to accept me. I'm afraid I didn't like the person she became as she aged, and the love got a bit wobbly too, if I'm honest. I would have gone N/C several times if I had been less driven by guilt not to.

So yeah...tricky one. At the moment. I feel relief and spells of sadness, but no utter bereft feeling. With Dad and Mr C I had numb shock then crushing, physically painful grief.

Feel like I'm waiting for the other boot to drop, but it may not drop in the way I'm expecting!

And I know that that makes me sound callous, but there is a long back story! She was hard work for everyone, and we had very different personalities.

It’s mums funeral today I am a wreck. Very emotional, feel sick and shaky and just awful.
my 13 year old niece will be reading a poem and my friend have all put together a tribute for her which I only found out about yesterday.

My son who is 5 isn’t coming but asked me to tell her he loves her ❤️

This is so shit and I just want today over with.

Oddly, I noticed yesterday that my rose bush has produced a random flower. I’ve cut it and will give to mum today

Thinking of you Up. I know how awful it is. My mum's funeral was on 7th and it was incredibly painful. The poem sounds lovely and the flower will be a beautiful tribute to her.

You'll all get through this, it's just so hard. Sending love.

We got through it. Lots of people came and mum would have approved. My 2 year old niece danced to the songs and kept everybody’s spirits up. My oldest friend said some words and the memories were wonderful.

Im relieved it’s over to be honest and feel completely wiped out.

Solidarity to everybody. My DF funeral today. It's v hard. I have been dreading it. I'm still numb (from alcohol probably) am relieved it's over but also feel comfort from having it. Hugs to all. Grief is a terrible thing that we don't talk about enough.

My lovely dad died suddenly and unexpectedly on Wednesday evening. He's had a totally normal and lovely day with my mum, he collapsed in the evening and she tried to do CPR until paramedics arrived. We arrived as they were still trying but I knew he was dead. It was horrific. When they left and we were waiting for the police and the undertakers I just sat and held his hand.
It doesn't seem real yet. I went to Aldi shopping on Thursday to get some festive food in. No idea what I bought but there's a fridge full so no one will hungry at least.
I'm pleased I've found you all.
Sending love and hugs to all who have lost their mum or dad.

Oh @DurhamDurham what an awful shock for you and your poor mum. So sorry.

Just popping on to wish everyone love and light for Christmas ❤

The first Christmas without a beloved parent is never easy (I'm doing my 3rd and miss mum every second at the moment but time has made it more bearable) so be kind to yourselves and allow space to grieve during the festivities if you need to. Know your lost parents are always there, they are the blood in your veins and the memories you hold.

@DurhamDurham I'm incredibly sorry to hear this. It's sounds very similar to how we lost my mum (very sudden death at home, dad and sibling performed CPR) she was gone by the time I got there though. The nature of her death left an extra level of trauma as it was just so sudden. Being so close to Christmas as well is just heartbreaking. Do whatever you need to do to get through the minutes and hours, you'll be on complete autopilot. I hope you have a good support network? Don't worry about Christmas, don't worry about anything other than getting yourself through this.

In time I hope you are able to set aside the traumatic nature of your loss and know your dad was with your mum, in his home when he died. It does bring comfort eventually but took me a long time to get to that point.

This is dreadful, I'm so sorry. My heart goes out to you. I hope you can get through Christmas somehow and you have support.

It feels really difficult without my mum. I'm going for a Christmas meal at a pub with a friend to mark the day, which is what I wanted to do as i thought it would be easier for me than sitting at home on my own but now I'm not so sure.

Thinking of you all.

Thanks for lovely replies. Got through the day, was busy all morning and it was all a bit chaotic but ok. It was quiet during the evening and I found myself in a foul mood, snugly with the world.
Today is another day. How did you all manage yesterday? Hope it was as good as can be expected given the sad circumstances.

Hello everyone. Is it ok to join or rejoin this thread?
It's my third Christmas without my mum who died suddenly from an aneurysm in 2021.
Boxing Day was always special in our family and although I am trying hard to maintain a fun Christmas for two young children and my DDad I just wanted to vent my exhaustion. Grief has changed me so much and I long to share everything with my mum. I wish she was still here. I've just taking myself off for a quick cry.