For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (November 2023)

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/4493231-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-March-2022?page=39&reply=130357515

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

I cleared out my mum’s house this weekend. It was really hard. Suddenly it feels like all that’s left of her is some boxes of stuff but also that’s all it is stuff, it’s not her, it won’t bring her back

@user1460471313 I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It must be so hard clearing out your mum’s home. I haven’t got that far yet but I can imagine it’s so difficult to do.

I do understand what you mean about the stuff not being her, or being all you have left. It’s not her but I’m hoping in time that I will still feel that I have my mum in my heart and I hope that for you too. I’m sorry nothing to say that will help but I feel your pain xx

Morning all - I hope everyone is doing ok. 5 weeks on and we are all back to normal life and routine which is helping distract me somewhat during the daytimes (morning and evenings are different). Had a better day yesterday as I was so busy. This morning I’ve just seen our neighbours grandparents coming to look after their one year old and it’s made me have a massive breakdown. It feels silly as actually my parents did do all that with my kids who are teenagers now. I know we were lucky as some don’t get to meet theirs. I have found that a lot of my grief has been tied in with this feeling of nostalgia for both my childhood and my children’s childhoods . I almost wish to be back at a time when life was less complicated and everyone was here. Also really feeling like I ahve been wanting to connect with my childhood friends and memories and looking at photos of that obsessively too and trying to remember all of the good times with my DF for me and my kids - has anyone else had this?

I’m glad to hear you’re having moments of distraction, it’s important to have those breaks to help you keep going. For me, staying busy with work has helped in a similar way.
After we lost my mum, I found organising her photos very comforting.
Thinking about it now, I’ve also been spending more time reconnecting with my cousins and childhood friends. Being with them brings me comfort too. It feels like a return to a time when our parents were happy, vibrant, and full of life, so in a way, it’s quite similar to what you’re experiencing.

Oh @user1460471313 I feel for you clearing out stuff.

Strangely I think i would have been better clearing out mum's things earlier on, but my sister wasn't ready. I think adrenaline was carrying me through.

She died 5 and a half months ago but I miss her more now.

This is so me right now @dmango- I only want to spend time with family really and people that knew DF. @berfytigot - we still have mum and it’s hard seeing DF stuff at their house I think the clearing out will be so emotional but I will take comfort from sorting out some of the memory things like photos for us to look at when we feel ready. I still find it hard. Had a couple of bad days again now and I feel sick when I think about all that has happened

@elmleemum I do know that sick feeling when thinking about everything that's happening. So sorry that you're feeling it too.

I feel similarly. Having a tough week, I miss DF so much and it hits me like a punch every time I think that I can never talk to him again. Totally relate @elmleemum to the feelings of nostalgia for your childhood. My children are only little but I'm nostalgic for my own childhood, wish I could be back in my childhood home with my dad, etc. Not really sure how to process this. I guess after a few months you do start to miss them even more.

It's been a few years since my parents passed away but it's strange how often I think of a question, something only they could have answered, now of course it's too late.

My mum passed away very suddenly, out of the blue back in April. She was only 72. The last day I ever saw her was Mother's Day. We spoke on the phone a few times a week and I spoke to her the day she died. She wasn't feeling well but I had no inkling that it would be the last time I would speak to her. I'm just feeling so lost - I think this is the only way I can describe it. I speak about her to my DH, family and close friends but I don't really speak about how I feel because I don't know what to say. I just feel completely lost. I miss her so much.

This time last year my dad was in hospital. He was discharged on 16th September and died on 6th October.

@Marshmallow201 that must’ve been so hard. I’d recommend bereavement counselling if that’s an option for you. If writing down your feelings helps try that too. I keep a journal on my phone where I jot things down I would’ve like to have told my dad about 🥲 it helps.

@JenniferBooth sending lots of love to you ❤️
my dad was in hospital this time last year too, he got transferred to a hospice shortly before he died, of a brain tumour, on 26th September. He was only 69.

I have been using the journal app on my phone to “message” my mum too, it does help 💕

Funeral is on Monday, I’m dreading it.

So sorry to hear that @WomanUp24 My dad had prostate cancer, couldnt get up the stairs at home due to being tired and weak , fell down the first few steps and went into cardiac arrest.

Its so heartbreakingly hard,the little things such as my Dad and I have both just finished the new Robert Galbraith book, normally my Mum would read them first and I'd chat to her before he got a turn. She would have loved it 😢

Her funeral is a week on Monday and I'm also dreading it, feels like the weird limbo will end and the reality of the rest of our lives without her begin.

@JenniferBooth I’m so sorry. That’s absolutely awful. Your poor dad 😔 how are you feeling with it coming up for a year? I have very mixed emotions.

Sending love to those with funerals coming up. I am nearby 2 weeks past my DFs and I was feeling so sick about it - I just didn’t think I could do it. To be honest the day itself was no worse than some of the others I’ve had and actually felt a bit of comfort being around people who loved him and wanted to talk about him all day. The after was hard - as you’re right @FunnyCrabDanceit feels like that’s the final thing and you need to get on with life thereafter. I went back to work this week and it’s helped me be more focussed in the daytime and not think about it but my evenings and weekends are so hard still. @kiwiblue- that’s exactly how I feel just want to go back to my childhood home and to a time when we had no worries and DF and DM were full of life. I am trying to focus on my family and children now and their happiness but I am finding it hard to find joy. I feel like some people are expect me to be ok now it’s been 5 weeks and he was 80 but for me it’s the shock element - it was sudden like some of your stories and I think that makes it hard to process. It’s an easier end for them but not for those left behind. Sending love to everyone else who is finding it hard at the moment x

Thinking of those who have upcoming funerals. It is hard but like others said you can find comfort in family and friends. And even though it's an emotional day I did find a certain amount of release after the funeral. Sending you all much love ❤️

Echoing all the other messages wishing those with funerals this week much love. It's so hard but I hope you find comfort in being able to say goodbye to your mum or dad in the way that feels right for you and your loved ones. I know I felt proud and pleased that my mum's was so fitting and a beautiful send off. But be kind to yourself in the days after as you'll need to take things very easy and lean on others to support you through the next few weeks.
Sending love x

Its hard I keep thinking this time last year and re running it over and over in my head I think the first year you are trying to come to terms with it and by the time it comes up to the second year its like oh shit hes really gone and im never going to be able to talk to him again. Sorry for your loss

Sympathies to all who have funerals coming up

My mum’s funeral was Monday. It was nice to see so many people (about 300 came!!) but it’s so surreal still. The grief and the guilt sits so heavy. I’ve asked the Hospice about counselling and hopefully that will start in a few weeks xx

Thoughts with everyone that have had and have funerals coming up 💝
5 months since dad passed away and the pain is still so raw. My best friend and biggest supporter just gone!
I was lucky, i told him all the time i loved him, told him how special my childhood was and spent so much time with him but it's never enough, i still just want 1 more...

@AmpleLilacQuail glad it went well, or as well as it could. I hope the counselling is useful and helpful to you, I'm sure it will be xx

My mums funeral is Monday coming. We went to see her at the chapel of rest this week to say a final goodbye. I wanted to check her bandana had been put on as she had hated losing her hair and loved her floral bandana's. It would have been her 71st birthday today so we put birthday cards in too. Unfortunately I dont feel better for doing so, I cant get the image out of my mind now

Thinking of those who have had funerals or have funerals or difficult days coming up.

@AmpleLilacQuail What an amazing turn out ♥️ but I know what you mean there’s disbelief that you’re where you are. Take care of yourself, the next few weeks may feel really hard. I felt very low after my mum’s funeral. I had my first bereavement counselling session today and even though it was the first one it felt helpful so I hope yours starts when you’re ready and is helpful.

@FunnyCrabDance I’m so sorry you feel like that and I hope that some comfort will come in time from being able to say that final goodbye and checking that your mum’s bandana was how she’d like it. I haven’t really got advice just feel for you and hope you are able to find some peace with this and feel better soon.❤️