For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (November 2023)

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/4493231-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-March-2022?page=39&reply=130357515

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

@LetMeJustCheckMyCitrusPocket im so sorry for the loss of your mum. It’s so strange they are not here. The need to speak to my mum is visceral, I have so much to tell her.

I think I will try some grief counselling as I honestly don’t know what to do with all of my feelings.

Thanks for mentioning grief counselling @doodleygirl, it's not something I've really thought of before but think I might need to look into it.

So sorry for your loss @LetMeJustCheckMyCitrusPocket

My Dad’s funeral on Thursday went better then we could have expected, he was a member of a Welsh choir and they all came and sang some hymns which was beautiful, and while I cried, the diazepam from the doc took the edge off so it was tears rather than the howls it could have been!

Wr won’t mention the bitch florist who was absolutely horrendous the day before, but good old trust pilot reviews has been very therapeutic.

My family were so relieved on Friday that we were on a bit of a high, and then crashed yesterday, and I’m now steeling myself
for work tomorrow. I wfh so it’s as good as it can be, and I’m still not sure I’m ready, but also don’t know whether another few weeks would change that, so feels easier to bite the bullet and at least try.

Sending love to you all, such a supportive thread and I’m really grateful for all the helpful comments. I think our parents would be proud of us.

Can’t sleep more than about 3 hours a night, and can barely eat. Less than a week in and I keep feeling sick. Please tell me this is normal. I know there’s no ‘usual’ way to deal with grief, but didn’t think I’d feel sick on top of everything else. Sorry for the moan.

@atesomanybananas that sounds awful for you to be dealing with on top of everything else, I'm so sorry. I don't think there is any "normal" but extreme grief and anxiety can definitely cause so many different physical symptoms so I'm not surprised. Is it worth speaking to your GP? Are you managing to eat anything? I hope you have support around you.

Hi ladies, I lost my dad on the 22 March after a 4 years of dementia and aspiration pneumonia at the end as he had trouble swallowing. He died at home and it was just awful. His pain wasn’t controlled, ive never seen anyone pass before this seemed like a nightmare. It’s difficult because while everyone is glad he’s free from that disease, the actual suffering he had to endure was too much 🥲

Hopefully yous don’t mind me posting and thanks for reading.

@Gingerlashes I'm so sorry for the loss of your Dad, 4 years is a long time to be suffering isn't it 😥 I hope you are doing okay as you can be. It's so very hard x

@Gingerlashes im so sorry for your loss and can totally relate to feeling traumatised after watching your Dad suffer. I feel similarly about the way that my Dad passed.

The only thing which is giving me any comfort about it, and it’s a crude analogy, but when my dog was put to sleep in 2021 I had imagined a Marley and Me kind of drifting off to sleep moment, and so was horrified when the vet administered the injection while I was stroking him to see him suddenly drop down dead. I can still hear the thud. That troubled me for months, however with the passage of time, those memories have faded and the happy memories have resurfaced. I’m very much hoping that happens for my memories about my Dad, and for you as well.

On the flip side I wasn't there when my Mum passed and wish so much that I was, so it seems there is no easy way to process the death part, it's all tough isn't it. Sending you both lots of care and love x

Had my first birthday without dad a couple of weeks ago and it hit hard but me and mum went out for the day and had as nice a time as is possible. I also did the Cancer Research Cotswolds Half Marathon Big Hike on Saturday, it was hot, brutal but incredibly rewarding doing it in dads memory, I raised just over £1,000. I'm just worried now the training and event is over I'll have a crash...

@Howmanycatsaretoomanycatsthe crash 🥲 I hope not 🥲 I long for those years he was ill so I could’ve done better, been better. Just miss him so much. I contacted Marie curie to go through all his notes like what am I looking for?? It’s v hard. Thanks for your kind words @KylieKangaroo@dibly

My mum died in 2015 after 34 years of slowly declining health following a car accident at 46. My dad died in 2023. Since then I’ve felt so lost and bleak, really struggling to feel any joy in anything. It’s not like I spent all my time with them, but they were always there and I knew they loved me so unconditionally, but now they’re gone and they’re not coming back. Now I’m 62 and I feel like I’m just trudging towards my own grave, when objectively I should be happy with my lot, which is a good one. Does this cloud lift at some point?

@atesomanybananas I’m no expert and I’m sorry for your loss - my dad died at the end of March and I had a physical pain in some parts of my body every time I thought about it / him for months. I still get the sensation now but it’s weaker. Slept badly, not quite 3h a night - slept more - but had nightmares or frantic dreams also for months. It was pure shock and took a long time to settle down, unfortunately. You might be feeling sick as you’re not sleeping enough. I found the days I exercised properly, I slept better, and that helped.

Thank you everyone for your support. Am sleeping slightly more (5 hours last night - yay!!!), but think I’m actually still running on adrenaline. I’m trying to pace myself; there’s only so much anyone can do in one day and I have my mum’s voice in my head telling me to slow down! I’ve started eating again too (my wonderful DH keeps cooking my favourite foods).

There is so much to organise, and Mum’s home to empty. Still, small steps. My heartfelt condolences to everyone going through this - you’re not alone, even though you might feel it at times. The kindness of total strangers has been astounding, and I hope you’ve all found that too.

I hope everyone is doing as well as they can, sending love to you all.
last week I made my Dad a cup of tea, I honestly don’t know why, just made it without thinking so I drank both and thought of him. Yesterday was the first day of the summer holiday without him and I suddenly thought he would be here soon, I did shed a few tears when I caught up with my random thought. It’s strange how your mind plays tricks. He is so missed, I’ve started to take some comfort in how sudden his death was and that none of us knew that was his last day. I hope you can all find some comfort. Thinking of you all

Memories can be so triggering can’t they @YourVividDuck. it was a month yesterday since my Dad died, and at 11am, the time he died I was meant to be on a work call and was bracing myself all morning, and then just before thought again. And sat and had a cry instead.

And facebook memories showed a pic of my Dad 5 years ago picking up his new car, which is now sitting in my drive. I still can’t comprehend that I won’t see him again, I feel that for each milestone you should get a prize or something. We had his first birthday without my Dad just four days after he died, when we were all still in shock. But August brings my birthday, DM’s and also DD’s, and all these firsts while it’s all still so raw feel especially hard. I feel like I don’t even want to open the card from my Mum.

But day to day I keep on keeping on. Love to all, this is such a difficult experience.

Hugs to everyone needing them.

Had a really bad day yesterday, just sobbed all day. I have no idea what triggered it, Dad's been gone 3 months now but yesterday i felt as bad as i did the day he died.

It just doesn't make sense. Not too bad today but my god, grief just punches you in the stomach some days from nowhere doesn't it!

@YourVividDuck and @dibly I know how you feel.. we went away early ( I had a day owing at school) to try and avoid the start of the holidays as we would always head off for a few days at the coast with my mum. I was steeling myself and a photo then popped up of us last year on a day trip.. it was so sad and I just sat and cried.. even though I sort of expected it.
@Howmanycatsaretoomanycats Sorry you had a bad day and hugs to you too. I hope you’ve had a better day today. It’s so hard 😞

@Howmanycatsaretoomanycats I can definitely relate to the gut punch of grief at random moments. It’s coming up to the year anniversary of my dad first going into hospital and I think that’s having an effect on me. My wee boy is 16 months (he was only 6 months when my dad died) and now that he’s starting to say words and getting a wee personality I just so wish my dad were here to see it. He was his first grandchild. Everytime he does something funny or cute I get a jolt of heartache that he’s missing out on it. It’s just so rubbish.

I can definitely relate to the sadness popping up at odd moments. Sometimes it's triggered by routine - eg I would call her on my day off. Sometimes it's when I realise that she'll never know how a particular situation turned out, that I started to read a book she'd been talking about, that my treatment is going well. And it's so sad that I can't talk to her ever again.

@BerfyTigot I’m really glad your treatment is going well ♥️
it’s very random, I was set off by a water bottle that looked like the one my mum used to fill each night and take to bed with her.. a very standard everyday water bottle 😞
I feel for you @WomanUp24 its hard, my mum was delighted to be a great grandma and pleased to see our little fella’s milestones but he’s nearly 2 now and full of chat and a right little character. She would have loved to see him grow and enjoyed all the little funny things he’s says and does. Every time I spend time with him I think I wish she could see this and I hope she still can in some way. Sorry it’s so hard x

Am sorry for those who have recently had to find their way to this place, wishing you all strength as you navigate your way.

Am finding it tough right now. This week I had my second birthday without my mum. I found it harder than last year. I think, maybe, last year I was so focussed on just getting through the “firsts” of everything. This time I think it was the realisation that”this is it”. There’s no going back. There’s no prize for reaching certain points along the way. I’m just constantly leaving her further behind me.

I do have ok days etc and I can find joy in some things - but then it also hits me that I can’t tell her those things. I can’t describe it properly, but it feels like although the world is still turning and just the same, it’s like there’s been a glitch in the code and that everything feels a degree or two off for me, like I’m just pretending that I know how everyday life works.

I’m sure I’ll be ok again in a few days, but just needed to get that out.

@IJWMM I find it hard to articulate as well but you have described it perfectly. Sending you lots of love & strength, be kind to yourself ❤️

@IJWMM I can relate to everything you say and like @WomanUp24 says you articulate it so well. I definitely get that feeling of leaving my Mum further behind and it's gut wrenching isn't it.

I'm ok for the most part but grief tends to catch me in the quieter moments, which are very rare with two young children.

Sending love and strength to everyone.

@IJWMM @WomanUp24 @KylieKangaroo
I get it, it's almost like I spent so many years acting 'normal' and ok I can do a damn fine impression at the moment of it for the world to see (think that was a line from After Life)

I truly believe that they still see what we're doing and share moments of achievement like the poem says "those we love don't go away, they walk beside us every day"