For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (November 2023)

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/4493231-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-March-2022?page=39&reply=130357515

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

I think it does us all good to articulate our feelings. I know what you mean kiwiblue and I think the other posters know too.

My dad’s funeral took place a couple of weeks ago now and it does seem that after the funeral you’re supposed to go back to “normal” but I’m thinking just what the hell is that?. I do not feel the same as I did before he died. I am blundering about and or otherwise trying to come to terms with it all but am not there yet. Nowhere near there yet and I know the world still turns even though he has gone. As dear old Ozzy wrote life does not wait for you my friend.

I have my faith to draw back on and that has been of some comfort to me. This is a marathon, not a sprint.
Sone upcoming firsts are going to be hard: the American football season that starts in September (will continue to cheer for his team without him) , his birthday, Christmas. He liked bird watching too and so am going to keep up feeding the birds.

Did anyone watch Amon Rajan goes to the Ganges last night?. It was about his relationship to his father and how he found it too painful to talk about his dad who died three years prior so he did not. I found that quite moving.

@AttilaTheMeerkat interesting, no I didn't see that. I agree about the firsts. I didn't go to my dad's funeral as he didn't want us to fly back to NZ again. I have no regrets about that as it was just a small private ceremony in the end without anyone I would have known, but it's bit strange. It's his birthday next month so I'm going to have a sort of memorial day for him on my own.

I'm so sorry for everyone's loss, it really is so hard to carry on without them isn't it. I'm almost 8 months into losing my Mum now but still have a wobble every now and then, I was at her house today smelling her clothes, anything to feel closer to her. Probably sounds a bit strange doing that but there you go.

@KylieKangaroo I don't think that's strange at all! I'm nearly 8 months into losing my mum too and whenever I'm at her house I go into her room just to potter about and smell clothes - so if you're strange, so am I!

It's such a challenging grief. Like others have said, most days I appear to function well (I'm a primary school teacher so the job requires it) but I just feel so sad, so often. This week has been incredibly difficult professionally and, because she was a teacher, I always called her to offload. I saw something ages ago about the love for your person not going, and where that energy then goes. I just have so much to tell her, and share with her, and so much love that now doesn't have a place to go. My relationship with my dad and siblings is so different to the one I had with my mum and so the loss just feels so immense.

Hope everyone has moments of light over the coming days and space and time to remember their parent

I feel like that too @MySandwich on the surface I’m going ok. I’m a teacher too. Then there’s times of just feeling so sad. I joined the Bereavement Journey course and last night we talked about a see-saw analogy as a way of looking at grief and that really resonated with me. There’s the end where you’re getting on and being relatively ‘normal’ then you dip in sadness and grief and then you bob back up. In the early days of grief it’s up and down a lot which is why it’s so exhausting. I held onto the part where it said it will start to balance out at some point.

I also have so much stuff I want to tell my mum. It’s like when you’ve been away and a lot’s happened so you got a bank of stories and stuff but then I think I’ll never be able to tell her. I do still chat to her though and that helps..
it’s tough 😞
❤️

@dmango The analogy of the seesaw of grief is a really interesting one. It describes so much. Thanks for explaining that,

@MySandwich Another teacher here and my Dad also taught. I always used to chat to him about it and get his ideas about teaching certain things. I really miss that connection. I love the fact that work doesn’t give me any time at all to think about the loss, but it’s also not the best option on those days when you just need some space!

I've not posted for a while but hoping some of you will understand what I'm trying to say, because I feel I can't say it out loud.

I hear all these stories about loved ones coming back to visit, of signs they've sent that they're OK etc.

I've had nothing. I've asked Mum out loud to let me know she's OK and nothing.

I feel like either she isn't OK or there's nothing there after death (which is a very hard thought), or, and this is the bit I can't say out loud, in fact I'm crying just typing it, she doesn't want to show me a sign because she's mad at me.
I didn't visit as much as I should have done in her last couple of months, work was busy, kids were busy etc. I feel so guilty.

@Fightingdragonswithyou I have had no signs either and have asked as you have done too, feeling mad in the process and like I'm talking to thin air. It's so very hard. Please don't feel guilty as I'm sure your Mum loved you so much and would not want you to feel that way.

@Fightingdragonswithyou sending you a huge hug. Your mum isn't mad at you. Please don't torture yourself. I hope something comes soon that comforts you.

@Fightingdragonswithyou O I know how you feel I haven’t had any signs or really felt my mum with me and I understand how you start trying to find explanations. But please don’t try and find ways to see blame in there. I know there’s a lot of emotion for us all at the moment, guilt, anger the whole gamut but I’m sure your mum is not cross with you.

I just imagine my mum is settling into her new life and she’ll send me a sign when she’s ready which might sound silly and not work for you but please don’t make things harder for yourself. I imagine you feel so deeply as you loved you mum so much so she must have loved you a lot and she wouldn’t be cross.

@Fightingdragonswithyou Aw my dear, she is not mad. You're her child. Really, she is not mad. When my grandmother died suddenly, who I was so very close to, I did what you did. It got me nothing, other than prolonged grief. It was brutal.

More loss, over the years. And then my dad, my exceptional dad died. Ouch. But I am wiser, more resilient. I know what grief brings. I did learn also that those we love don't come to us on demand. They're there when we need them. We may or may not realise. Only once did I know my dad was with me, on demand. All other times, out of nowhere and in different ways. And only when I have been sensitive towards, and subconsciously aware of my environment and my own five senses. It is heartbreaking and brilliant all at once. Sometimes I wonder, is it my brain playing tricks? To comfort me? To give me hope? But, really, does it matter? I embrace it. I promise, there are always signs, and there is clarity, hope, peace... Everywhere.

Please be kinder to yourself. It is brutal enough already.

@dmango I love that idea, that my mum is still settling in up there, and when she's got a moment she send us all a message 😍

Ah @BerfyTigot I’m glad you like the idea. It might sound silly but it was one of the thoughts that brought me some comfort so glad if it has you too ♥️

I’ve been lurking on this thread for the last few weeks, and I’m so sorry for your losses. It’s the club that no one ever wants to join, but here we are.

We lost my lovely Dad on 22 June, after numerous NHS cock ups, initially diagnosed with a stroke which turned out to be advanced cancer. Once diagnosed he had less than two weeks to live, and despite excellent hospice care for his final 10 days, please God the assisted dying bill will come into effect soon. I went to see him at the funeral home today, before his funeral on Thursday.

I’m so scared of letting him down. And of not knowing many of his retired friends in the church - I’ve felt too traumatised in part, and numb in part, and exhausted from dealing with the admin, to face returning calls from friends over the last few weeks, and desperately want some familiar faces who have my back.

And then after, I know I need to go back to work soon, but can’t comprehend life carrying on as normal. But as much as anything, I just can’t believe that I’ll never get to spend time with him again 💔.

My mum passed away yesterday. I rushed the length of the country to be with her, and arrived with an hour to spare. I got to tell her how loved she is. I am sure she waited for me. I just feel numb, unbearably sad, and broken. I know I’ll come through the other side but my God this is hard.

@atesomanybananas @dibly i just wanted to say I’m so sorry for the loss of your mum and dad. These first few days after such a tough loss are really hard and as cliched as it sounds please take care of yourself and don’t put any additional pressure on yourself to feel or do things, just do what feels right for you. Sending love.
@dibly I think the numbness is the body’s coping mechanism for helping you cope with something that you would otherwise find too much. I have still have a certain amount of disbelief and numbness, four months down the line. I especially keep catching myself thinking I can’t believe I won’t see her again. @atesomanybananas
so glad you got to see your mum and tell her you loved her. I had a few hours with my mum and so pleased I could tell her over and over again what a brilliant mum she was and how loved she was. I’m sure she waited for you ♥️

@dibly I just wanted to say I completely understand re assisted dying. I supported the bill before but now I’ve seen first hand what people go through I just can’t believe we’re not there yet. My dad had an extremely fast growing brain tumour and suffered greatly during those final weeks. I had to watch him lose the ability to walk, move, speak, eat... All I wanted for him was a peaceful death and it still makes me so sad he had to go through all that. I can still hear him saying to me and my mum “I just want to die”. It’s utterly heartbreaking. Yet one month after he died I was able to take my cat to be put to sleep at the vet when he was diagnosed with cancer and there was nothing more they could do. We don’t let our pets suffer why can’t we do the same for people. It doesn’t make any sense to me 😢

@dibly I'm so sorry for your loss. I would say don't rush back to work and don't put pressure on yourself. I felt exactly the same as you and I'm glad I took a bit more time before going back to work. I am still so sad and like you, can't believe I'll never see my dad again but I'm able to function at work now.

@atesomanybananas so sorry for your loss of your mum. I'm so glad you made it in time. I had to rush to NZ when my dad was dying and am now able to hold onto the fact I made it and could spend time with him.

@WomanUp24 I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Assisted dying has recently been approved in NZ where my dad died and he mentioned to the palliative care doctors that if he was discharged home and had poor quality of life that he would want to do this. I'd voted for the law but I was surprised that I found it very hard to hear him saying this. I've also been surprised by how anti it people on Mumsnet are. I also mentioned it to a friend and was subjected to a lecture about how soon people with depression will be killed and how people will use it to get their inheritance.

Thanks for such lovely replies, and @atesomanybananas so sorry for the loss of your Mum. Sending so much love.

@kiwiblue and @WomanUp24 assisted dying needs to be brought in now. I think it’s why we feel so traumatised, watching someone we love lose every function. My Dad lost the ability to swallow in his last few days, and even tiny sips would make him choke - and this was during the hot weather a few weeks back. It’s absolutely inhumane, he was voicelessly pleading for a drink , and so so so thin 💔. Thank God we made sure that the nurses could up his meds, so that he basically wasn’t awake for his last day.

But I want to blank all that out and remember him for the kind, dignified, loving Dad that he was. And to do him proud tomorrow. Thankfully some friends have been in touch to say that they’ll be coming to the funeral.

Thinking of you today @dibly I hope you get to say goodbye to your amazing dad in the way you want to x

Funeral parlour and death certificates today. Now it becomes real. I don’t even know how to start processing this as it all happened so suddenly (within a week). Reading everyones’ stories I’m so truly grateful that mum went from here, to there, so fast, and nothing was drawn out. But I’m in total shock. Just over a week ago we were out shopping …

I’d like to thank EVERYONE for their kind messages. Even in that insane, mad and dreadful trip 2 days ago when I thought I wouldn’t make it in time, the kindness of total strangers has kept me going. And my heartfelt sympathies to you all going through this.

Sending strength and hugs to you all. I love the idea that our parent is setting into a new life. I find that quite comforting.
just look after yourselves and do your best that’s enough xx

Hi everyone,

Im new to this place, we lost my beautiful mum on the 2nd June, she was 86, and I know we had her for such a long time, but I am really struggling.

I Just feel numb and still go to call her all the time, to tell her about the flowers we planted as seed have just bloomed, or about my beautiful new grandson, her great grandson, or the delicious pie I had for dinner. I cry at random moments and every dog walk is so hard because that’s when I would ring her.

it was such a shit death, everything she didn’t want, I hate fucking cancer.

Not really sure why I’m posting I suppose I just need to get it out there. My beautiful daughter has lost her adored grandma and she is worrying about me so I try and be happy when she asks how I am. We are lucky to have an adorable baby to hold.

When does it get easier?

Thank you for listening

@doodleygirl bless you ❤️ those early weeks are suffocating. But I promise you it gets less difficult over time. My advice - take one day, one hour, at a time. Do everything you can to take care of yourself. Talk about your feelings. I’ve found counselling helpful. Also I still talk to my dad in my own way. I have a journal app on my phone where I write down random things I want to tell him. Make sure you cry often. It doesn’t help to hold everything in. Trust that there will be happiness in your future. And soak up all the baby cuddles! I’d just become a new mum when my dad died which was incredibly challenging but it gave me a purpose and has been a great focus for my mum too. Sending you strength 🙏🏻

I'm so sorry @doodleygirl, there really are no words, no matter how much time with a dear loved one, the shock of losing them is immense.

That's been my experience anyway, my mum passed away at the start of May and it still feels wrong/surreal to write that, and I still find myself checking the clock each night when I would usually call her

It sounds as if you have a close family around you to all offer each other support, what a blessing that must be, and I hope that is some comfort for you.