For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (November 2023)

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/4493231-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-March-2022?page=39&reply=130357515

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

@AttilaTheMeerkat and @MrsMcNallysMaureen sending you both love and strength for today. I hope you both get some time to just "be" at some point and that you find comfort in all the love surrounding you.

@KylieKangaroo i find myself constantly looking for signs Mum is around or safe. Then get upset she hasn't come back to visit me if that makes sense?

Dad’s church service was really lovely and I feel he would have approved. We all smoked and shed some tears. We held a brief committal ceremony at the crematorium post service.

Now we have to continue with the process of learning to live without him and that’s going to be hard. We will prevail.

My best wishes and thoughts also lie with MrsMcNallysMaureen.💐

@AttilaTheMeerkat I'm glad it was a good send off for your Dad 💚

smiled not smoked!.

Dad passed on April 9th after complaining of sciatica on the 28th February (i have the message) needless to say that sciatica turned out to be metastatic cancer. 4 weeks from being admitted to hospital he was gone. I've also been looking through the WhatsApp messages where we were all co-ordinating hospital visits and giving each other updates on how he was and dad sending his much loved Gifs and then it just stops.... I have voicemails i can't bring myself to listen to yet. It's just so hard when that one person that was your whole world just isn't around anymore. Grief is my constant companion and shadow and I'm starting to realise it always will be. Much love to everyone else going through this 💔

@AttilaTheMeerkat I'm gad it went well ❤My mum was a regular church goer and it felt really important that the church service was how she would have wanted it to be, so I was pleased when it went well, so I know how you must feel this evening.
Take care of yourself though, the day after the funeral I found really hard, so sending love x
I hope all went well for you too @MrsMcNallysMaureen xx

@MargaritaPracticallyCan I'm glad that your post felt helpful for you too. Yes I agree being able to share on this site has been so helpful and although I don't want anyone feeling this pain too it helps that others know what I mean.
I think I'm holding stuff in too as I need to carry on and I can't or don't want to just collapse.
@Fightingdragonswithyou @KylieKangaroo I find myself looking for signs too and then felt deflated if there aren't any. I have found myself randomly chasing robins and looking at the clouds to see if they have a shape/sign in them.
@Howmanycatsaretoomanycats I'm so sorry for your loss and send you lots of love. I look over my mum's texts from the last few weeks too. The ones that hit the hardest are ones when she says she feels better today or when she came out of hospital only to end up going back for the last time. It's so hard and I'm so sorry you're going through this too.

Hi everyone. I hope it's okay to join in here. I've been reading some of your messages and so much of what many of you are saying just resonates so much with how I'm feeling, and you all seem so supportive of each other.

My mum died 4 weeks ago, we held her funeral last week. In some ways I'm functioning the same as ever dealing with my teenagers and exams, all the financial admin for mum, general life etc. And then the grief just absolutely floors me out of nowhere.

I've just been in the garden with my Merlin app as a robin was going mad singing and I wanted to be convinced it's a sign from mum, or it is mum. Someone else posted this and that they look for shapes in clouds etc and that's me, and it's so unlike "normal" me.

I feel as if I've not had any time to process things as have been so busy firefighting everything, and nobody understands this or thinks that as I'm mostly functioning, as you have to get on with things, that I'm okay. But I'm really not.

And the one person who would have seen this, who always put me first and supported me in everything others don't recognise, is my mum.

Thanks if you've read this far, it's cathartic to just write this down. I know there are no fixes, it's not a dream I'm going to wake up from and think oh thank goodness that wasn't real, because it is my new real, all of our new realities. And it's just incomprehensible.

Citrus💐.

I know, as do many others here know what you mean.

My dad owned an apple phone with two step verification . As none of us knew the code to unlock it, it has remained sealed. Fortunately we found other papers with phone numbers etc on it and he was not one to store photos on it. He was not tech savvy with the phone.

He (like so many I would imagine) was not aware that he could have set up a Legacy Contact but even with that his phone may have been reconfigured back to factory settings. I found this hard to deal with in the very early days.

I do not know anyone whose parent or relative has died overseas or has been involved in overseeing the repatriation process like I have as being the initial point of contact . We do not have a U.K. death certificate nor given a reference for Tell us once. This has all made me feel somewhat apart. I shall raise it in counselling going forward.

I half expect him to turn up with his laptop asking us to fix it or make the screen bigger!.. it pains me to think that will not happen again.

@AttilaTheMeerkat that sounds so difficult for you on top of everything else, having to manage formalities from overseas and deal with repatriation.

And I know what you mean about expecting your dad to turn up as usual with a tech issue to be solved.

I used to speak to my mum every day and even now as it gets near 8 o'clock when we often rang, I can't believe she's not here for our chat and catch-up. Like, how can she suddenly just not be here? I can't get my head round it.

@Howmanycatsaretoomanycats and @LetMeJustCheckMyCitrusPocket I'm so sorry for your losses. I've found it so helpful to vent here for similar reasons to what @MargaritaPracticallyCan has. I don't want to put it all in my family as they're grieving too. And my friends although they've been incredibly supportive, most have both parents still so they don't get it, like you all do. Not that I'd wish this on anyone as it's shit, but it's nice to be able to chat with people who do.
I've not seen or felt any signs from my mum yet which sometimes makes me sad. But I tell myself she's off catching up with my dad and she'll pop by to check on me at some point.

@LetMeJustCheckMyCitrusPocket I know that feeling of not having space to process. There's so much to deal with the first few months, no one warns you how much sadmin there is to deal with. I feel like I've only just started to process now nearly 4 months on, now most of that is sorted. I still feel like I'm masking to get through the days at work, then I get home have a good cry, then go for a run. And like you my mum would have seen straight through it all. It's hard.

Glad today went well for you @AttilaTheMeerkat.

Take care all x

Awful day today. Brain fog is so bad, not sure if it's perimenopausal or grief or a combination of the 2.

Making silly mistakes at work and ended up crying. Had to take myself for a walk on my break and this is when I'd ring mum to talk it through.
I rang my best friend instead and she talked me down, reminded me it's still early days and I'm human.

Just feel so drained today. It's like it's finally sinking in she's really gone and I'll never see her or speak to her again. Facebook memories showed me 5 years ago when we had a socially distanced visit in her garden so think that's brought it all to a head 😢

Sorry to read this @Fightingdragonswithyou. It certainly seems like a rollercoaster we'd all like to get off. Good that your best friend was able to be there for you.

Can I join please? I can relate to so much on this thread and it's making me feel a bit better. The feeling of panic and obsessive rereading of old messages as two examples.

My dad died just over two weeks ago. About a month ago I got a message from him that he was in hospital and only expected to live a few days. He lived in New Zealand... My brother and I were on a flight that night. It was all such a shock although he hadn't been in good health for a few years. We managed to spend a week with him and he was quite well, I was so glad for that time. He died shortly after we got home and it all hit me then. He was 70, I'm 41. I'm so sad that I could have half my life without him. Like others I've found it harder as he and my mum are divorced, it definitely complicates the grieving. Friends have been very supportive but I imagine everyone, including work, expecting me to soon be back to normal.

Missing him so much tonight. Will keep reading through this as it's so helpful. Much love to everyone on this thread.

I'm so sorry, @kiwiblue. The distance must make it even harder. You can't rush it and people expecting you to be back to 'normal' after a matter of weeks are utterly unrealistic.

💙

Just re WhatsApp, in case it's useful if anyone wants to save messages from a loved one, you can download and save the content of chats - go to the three dots, click more, and then export chat - even if messages are painful to read now, you might want to save them for another time,.when they might bring comfort x

Thank you @WristCandy :)

@kiwiblue I'm so sorry about your dad, and with the distance involved, that must have been so difficult for you. To have had that time with him, and him aware of it and fully present, what a gift for you to hold on to now, it sounds as if you cared for each other deeply and that your dad knew he was loved.

I'm over 300 miles and more than 6 hours travel from my home town where my mum was and it was so hard not being there all the time and feeling split between her and my family down here who also needed me in different ways.

And I totally empathise about others perhaps thinking that you'll soon be back to normal.

They're is no normal now. I said to my DH earlier, it's as if I'm on two parallel tracks. On the top one I'm mostly functioning, juggling family life as usual etc, and on the other one underneath I'm thinking, what the hell is going on, what has happened, is this a dream.

I certainly didn't fully comprehend the sheer overwhelm of it all, until I was in this experience myself.

And @GreatQuail that's so very true about the masking, and the one person who would have seen through it all, who we need most, is the one not here.

I'm on a few threads here now about it all, so I'm sure I've said this elsewhere, but my DH had said I was lucky to have such a mum and to be so close, as he doesn't with his. Which is true, but then it's so much harder to lose her.

@LetMeJustCheckMyCitrusPocket Thank you, you are absolutely right. I hope he knew how much we loved him. We weren't the say it type of family but I know we showed him with how quickly we got out there and what we did for and with him in that last week.

God it's so tough, you are exactly right about the parallel tracks. I know what you mean, it was a blessing to be close but now it is so so hard for you. I can see your mum was a huge support for you, it's like a foundation in your life has just gone. I hope you're hanging in there. I'm seeing signs in everything too and then I just get upset eg I just heard Fleetwood Mac on the radio which we used to always listen to in the car when I was younger.

I don't feel able to tell DH how much I miss my dad so I'm trying to act normal but feel dreadful. Totally can't deal with work and normal stress right now either

@dmango @Fightingdragonswithyou

Thank you for thinking of me. I hope I haven't missed anyone because you bunch of anonymous posters have really been such a support to me. I am trying to scroll through on my phone and check mane. It has been a real comfort and source of practical and emotional support to be in this group.
@AttilaTheMeerkat I am so pleased the day went well for you. I was amused by the thought of you all smoking and wondered if it was a niche tribute to your dad!
Mum's funeral was very simple and very joyous. The celebrant was fantastic and got us as a family. My dad wants him to do his funeral if he is still around (!)
I managed to do my reading and I am glad about that. There were lots of my old school friends there who talked so much about their happy memories of my mum.
Today I feel really flat. Went for a walk along the river in my mum's beloved city and cried ugly, snotty tears.

@GreatQuail sorry I missed your name.
I get your comment about adulting. I talked about that yesterday with old school friends. I just don't feel mature enough to deal with this but then I guess you never do.

@KylieKangaroo so sorry for your loss.

Daft story: my dad unearthed a set of 4 beautiful decorated drinking glasses that I have never seen before. He said I can have them. He couldn't remember where they came from. Today I went into the local market and there was a bric a brac stall with EXACTLY the same set of beautiful glasses for sale. Except one was missing...just as one is now missing from our family of four. I haven't been looking for signs but I will take this as one. It made me smile.

@Howmanycatsaretoomanycats
@kiwiblue
@LetMeJustCheckMyCitrusPocket
I am so sorry for the loss of your loved ones.

I've signed up for the Cancer Research UK half marathon Big Hike in July. Needed somewhere and something to channel all this love with nowhere to go... I must be mad!