For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (November 2023)

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/4493231-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-March-2022?page=39&reply=130357515

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

Thank you @dmango I have read back a little and 'the joy is gone' really resonates. I would send a message to mum most days. Whenever something happens my first thought is to let mum know. I have started writing the text messages in a little book. It's some sort of a release.
@AttilaTheMeerkat parallel universe describes it perfectly. Dad is doing everything because he can't bear to be alone with his thoughts. He is a stereotypical North Eastern bloke who says things like 'we just have to get on with it.' I like to think I am helping just by being here at the moment and I am quietly hiding things that he is throwing away just in case he regrets it in the future. I have stepped in with a couple of things about the funeral.
How do you get through the funeral?

@MrsMcNallysMaureen Life does feel grey at the moment and yes like the joy has gone I think it will return as that's what my mum would have wanted and it did after I lost my dad over 1 years ago.
I think my mum might have been a bit like your dad sounds, very pragmatic. So I'm channeling her a bit and I'm a bit like you just have to get on, I can't change this although I wish more than anything I could, so the only choice is to get on.

That's a good idea about writing down the things you would have text. I used to call my mum everyday and just those little chats about not much really but were so much part of my day and I miss them so much.

How do you get through the funeral..I'm not sure it's hard. I had to organise it although my children who were super close to my mum were very helpful. So I think I was just so focussed on the arrangements and everything going well. But I was also dreading it. I think on the day I was just in the zone, I did cry a lot but managed to get through and get everything done. During the church service and cremation I was very emotional but I managed to pull things together to 'host' the wake after and make sure all her friends and family etc were ok. It felt like a real tribute to her and I think she would have loved it so that was comforting. I think I found the days after the funeral harder as I felt lost and we arranged a day together as a family the day after but I just felt so low and wanted my mum desperately although I was glad to be with my family.

It's so hard so please just do what you feel you need to, there's no right or wrong someone said to me 'if it feels the right thing to do then do it, don't worry.' Be gentle with yourself and take care x

Maureen,

We’ve not held his funeral yet due to the time it’s taken to repatriate his body (their travel insurers paid) along with demand for both the church and crematorium. However we now have a firm date and it will take place next month.

I’ve helped her with some aspects of the funeral arrangements by visiting the undertakers with her. So many bloody firms to fill in, I filled them in and she signed where needed. They’ve also learnt a bit about repatriation as well as Dads body was taken from the airport here to them.

Such was never much talked about when he was alive but he did want a Catholic service and commital, he being a devout catholic when alive. So he’s going to have such a service.

Its made me think a lot more about what I would like and will specify it in my will. I do not want my adult child to have that on his plate as well thinking what would she like.

'If it feels like the right thing to do then do it.'
I like this a lot @dmango . Thank you for your thoughtful response. It has really helped. You gave your mum the best farewell.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I feel the same about making plans of my own. Mum had some things in place, which really helped, but not everything was clear. Dad wants everything simple and to just be over with and I am OK with that overall but I have added one or two things I think she would have liked. Or rather that I like, I suppose.

@MrsMcNallysMaureen it was said so quietly and just as he was talking to me but it really resonated so I thought I’d share it with you, glad you liked it 😊
Ah thank you, I think I did her proud and I was pleased that her funeral went well and was a real reflection of who she was and how much she meant to people. I still want to be able to say ‘did you like mum? Was it ok and what you wanted?’ But I think she would have.
it sounds as though your planning is going well and your mum’s farewell will also be a lovely tribute to her. Good luck with it all x

I think if it feels right to you then add it in. I was quite lucky in some respects in that my mum had most of her "party" (it's what she called it and wanted it to be) organized. But even then she left me specific instructions to pick the flowers and the middle song for her service. I'm sure she would have approved in hindsight but I did stress at the time whether they were the right choice.

No advice for the day itself. Just do what you need to do. I had a good cry with my best friend in the morning and in the limo, then went numb through the service and wake. And I'd expected I'd be in floods of tears like I was at my dad's.

I've kept my mum's phone number and still text her. I couldn't bear the thought of her number being reassigned and her picture being replaced with someone else's. But I like the idea of writing it down if at some point I'm ready to let the number go.

To everyone who has an internment or funeral coming up, sending you hugs. x

I was also lucky in that my mum had left specific instructions about the funeral.

On the day I found that the funeral arrangements carried me through. I was also organising it all myself. Also seeing extended family who I hadn't seen for ages helped. It finished around 6pm and I was totally wrung out so immediately got in the bath and went to bed.

How are you all getting on?

Re the funeral, I found I just got on with it to try and get my Mum through it as well. I chose to give the eulogy which I was a bit nervous about, but the minister (who is their church minister) ended up going to the wrong crematorium and arriving 20 mins late, and a family friend and I basically had to start the funeral service ourselves in her absence because otherwise we wouldn’t have enough time as there was another funeral in an hour behind us, so with that chaos, I had no choice but to throw myself in and get on with it. On the day, I found I could only laugh about the chaos caused by the above situation. In some ways I was so glad to get to the funeral date (3 weeks after death) that it was a relief.

I’m 7 months on from my Dad dying and have found myself often mulling over messages from the period leading up to his death, and wallowing in memories of the days in his last week. Has anyone else found this? It is one of the few times I find I connect with the sadness at this point. He was in hospital for 3 weeks before he died but prior to that had been pretty fit and well for his age - mid 70s- so it all felt quite sudden in some ways and I wonder if that is why I find myself trying to process it this way.

The funeral for my dad is on Wednesday.

The shock I felt upon learning of his sudden death overseas has now partly subsided. However, I still half expect him to turn up here with his laptop asking me for help or to print something off for him!. And I feel so sad when he does not.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I hope Wednesday goes well, it must be so hard having such a long wait for your Dad’s funeral.
I know that feeling of rationally knowing they’re gone but still expecting to see them or have them text etc and then it’s like you remember what’s happened all over again with sadness. It’s hard but sending you love as you get through the next few days x

Thank you dmango💐

@Earlydarkdays yes I can relate completely to mulling over messages. In fact I couldn't sleep last night and went through a couple of years of texts mum had sent me.

I got quite upset because my brother had treated her so badly but she would just shrug and say 'what can I do?'. And I would want her to stand up for herself.

Hope the funeral goes well @AttilaTheMeerkat

I find myself searching for my Mum all the time hoping that she comes to me in some shape or form, I don't know if that will ever go away the feeling of something being missing and the feeling of despair when I realise I can't see her again.

@Earlydarkdays I definitely replay her last week a lot in my head and think of what I could have done differently.

Sorry to read the updates for everyone struggling. I’m similar. It’s just over two months now since I lost my dad.

Has anyone done an in-person or online course called “The Bereavement Journey”? I’m thinking of signing up for the online version starting on Thursday as there’s not one running live locally to me in the near future.

Hi @Monket Yes I’ve signed up for it and start Thursday.
Years ago, my husband and I did the Marriage Course with Alpha and found it really helpful and supportive. So when I saw they had a bereavement course’ I thought I’d give it a go.
I do go to church but the Marriage course wasn’t focussed on religion at all really more just the usual topics that pop up in marriages so I’m imagining this will be the same. It was quite good for helping you reflect them find tools to work through stuff.
I’m on the waiting list for bereavement counselling and I’m thinking that these sessions might be supportive in the meantime. Maybe I’ll see you there 😊

Thanks for your quick reply - I bit the bullet and signed up! It came recommended by my local vicar, after I reached out to her because I was struggling with some things relating to this whole situation. I hope it will be a helpful course. I feel like I’ve locked all my feelings away and I’m a bit scared now to open the box, as it were…

@Monket I do know what you mean.. hopefully opening the box a little in a supported way will help to process. I worry that the things that are locked away will come back and floor you at some point so it’s worth trying to gently unpick now, I hope. Good luck and take care of yourself

This time last year we'd just entered the last few weeks of mum's life, after a shock brain tumour diagnosis that knocked us all off our feet. My brother and I moved in to care for mum and support dad, working from their house around spending time with mum, managing the care teams and making the most hideous decisions about next steps during the palliative care journey. One DC was at uni, the other just finishing their A levels.
The past year has been a combination of clinging on for dear life, being terrified of letting go and a desperate feeling of leaving mum behind. It's had its lovely moments too, a trip away, a big birthday for me, tinged with sadness that she isn't here, but surrounded by so much love from family and friends. And a celebration lunch recently to mark her birthday and remember her.
It's true that the grief doesn't ever go, but I've grown around it. It's a hole right in the middle of my stomach but there's a cushion around it now, so it doesn't hurt quite as much. I speak to the robins I see every day, convinced they're mum popping in to say hello (this is new to me!) I see and hear her everywhere. Have been having some bad dreams of late, I know it'll pass, it's just another round of deeper, darker feelings, but I've learnt that this passes if I just let it do its thing.
Love to everyone going on their journey. Wishing you a peaceful day x

@MargaritaPracticallyCan thank you for your lovely post. It has given me hope and I needed that today. Mum's funeral is tomorrow and I am very wobbly. Love to everyone going through this particularly @AttilaTheMeerkat as I see that you too have the funeral tomorrow

Thank you @MargaritaPracticallyCan that really is a lovely post and so kind of you to reach out and give hope to others and sorry for your loss. You’ve described some of my feelings perfectly I’ve been on holiday this week and it’s been very healing but I have felt sad I’m leaving my mum behind as she’s not part of my calls/texts back fine etc. And the hole in my stomach is a perfect description, I think I can imagine it being a little more ‘cushioned’ as time goes on.

Sending love and thinking of you both tomorrow @AttilaTheMeerkat and @MrsMcNallysMaureen as you say farewell to your loved ones. I hope it’s the goodbye you want for them and you find some comfort in that. Take care ♥️

Will be thinking of you and yours tomorrow MrsmcNallysMaureen.💐

All we can and will do nowis to give dad the Catholic service send off he wanted.🦜💐. We will prevail!.

My best wishes to you and thank you also for writing Margarita.

Thank you also dmango,💐

I am hoping that the hole in my life will be cushioned somewhat going forward . It’s a marathon, not a sprint after all and grief can take strange turns.

Be kind to yourself

@MargaritaPracticallyCan thanks for posting such a lovely post. Sorry for the loss of your mum and I hope the bad dreams pass for you. I also understand what you mean about the hole, I feel that too. Reading your post has given me some hope that things will be less raw at some point, I can go with cushioned. I'm hoping the wanting to run and hide under a blanket like I'm 6y/o will ease off at some point as well. I'm putting that down to all the serious adulting over the last months.

I hope you're all getting on ok. @MrsMcNallysMaureen and @AttilaTheMeerkat sending you both a virtual handhold. I'll be thinking of you both tomorrow.

Been reflecting on this chat today, am thankful for having an opportunity just to pour out how I'm feeling, anonymously, knowing there are people out there who just get it. Sometimes talking to family and friends feels too close, too personal, don't want to bring them down. It's easier to open up to strangers! I haven't sought out any formal support yet, I expect I will one day, but even a year on from losing mum, it feels too big, I almost don't dare open the box I've stuffed it all into.
Thank you to you all, for being so supportive. You're the best ❤️