For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (November 2023)

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/4493231-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-March-2022?page=39&reply=130357515

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

It's roughly three and a half years in since losing my mum suddenly after a short illness. The grief is way more manageable now, you do grow around it. I keep a couple of photos around the house and that helps keep her in my memory. I talk about her with our son and want to make her proud. Sending love to folks who've just lost parents, it's awful at first but you do get through it x

Hi everyone, hoping to join this thread for some support, love and mutual feelings. Firstly though I am so sorry for everyone’s loss of their beloved parent/parents, I share the heartbreak that comes with this.
I lost my dad August last year to a rare and unexpectedly rapid cancer, he was 63. I had given birth to my 2nd DD in the January a few months before he got his diagnosis and I never expected to have to go through anticipatory or in the moment grief whilst also managing my own post partum, but I got through it.
I’m having some really hard hitting moments lately, anything that is ‘hard’ at work or in my life, it’s like my dad and my grief is flashing in my head which makes any upset or anxiousness 10 fold and that’s me done - broken for the day. I miss him terribly, and just want to pick up the phone to him 🙁

@daisyflowergirl I'm sorry for the loss of your Dad, it's so hard isn't it. I don't think there is a day goes by where you don't think of them or miss them. I just miss the simple things like having a cup of tea with my Mum.

Hi everyone, can I join please? I lost my lovely mum 3 months ago and I'm feeling so sad and completely overwhelmed by it all today. I'm not sure if it's dealing with all the ( what feels like neverending) sadmin or the numbness wearing off but I just want to run away and hide. Well if I'm honest I just desperately want to talk to my mum.

I've been lurking for a while and have read all your posts and I'm so sorry for everyone's losses.

Hi @GreatQuail
Sorry for your loss, this is so tough isn’t it?

I could have written this post. I lost my mum early March and I just want to tell her all the stuff that’s happened and to see if she’s pleased with the decisions I’ve made and to simply just tell her how sad I feel and how much I miss her.
I’m sorry I haven’t got lots of advice and I’ve never posted before but your post really resonated with me x

Hi @dmango,

Sorry about your mum and that you're going through this too.

Thanks for replying it weirdly makes me feel a bit better that it's not just me. And that's exactly it, I just want to run all the decisions I've had to make past her for her to say ok, you've done the right thing. If that makes sense. Especially the ones that relate to her. That and to say how much I miss her.

I've no advice either. It's just utter rubbish x

I'm recently bereaved (just 4 weeks ago). The funeral is done and the few bits of paperwork I had to do. It was my mum and I still can't quite believe it.

I've been so strong and now I'm struggling. I hadn't realised how much I saved up little things to tell her from my day to day life. I just miss talking to her.

I'm trying to get on with things, distract myself and I've started a health kick, but it's always underneath.

It doesn't help that my dad is very sad and is suffering from dementia so needs a lot of support.

Is Cruse any good?

It’s just so hard and like both of you I’ve realised how much I used to tell my mum and things I still wish I could say. I think she’d be happy with most of the decisions I’ve made but I so want to check. Her funeral was so lovely and I think she would have been so pleased but I want to check with her. I’ve tried to carry out her wishes and I knew her so well but still want to be able to ask her which probably sounds mad. I just want to say ‘mum I miss you so much,’ I also want to say I’m more like her than we both thought as I’m trying to be stoic and push through like I know she would do.

I’m also trying to distract myself by being reasonably busy but not overdoing it so I’m storing up sadness for later, if that makes sense. I’ve been walking a lot and found that really helpful.

I have a friend who used Cruse and said they were great. I’m on the wait list for Sue Ryder for bereavement counselling.

It is indeed shit and sorry we’ve all got to go through this, sending love x

No that doesn't sound mad at all. I was extremely close to my mum too and feel exactly the same. I could have written that first paragraph word for word. Apart from at points she'd have been saying, you know what needs doing, just stop faffing and crack on and get it done. It's weird, I knew I used to run stuff past my her all the time but I'd not appreciated how much.

I've found walking and running helpful too. Especially if it's in the woods. That and getting back to yoga. Also doing my best to keep busy but not so much that I burn out. It's a tricky balance as this has made me feel so exhausted.

I hope the counselling helps. I had some after my dad died (via the GP) so can't comment on cruse or sue Ryder, but I think it helped. I think at some point I'll look into some more but I'm not ready yet. I had a chat with the hospice staff and they recommended waiting 6mnths so I'm using that as an arbitrary line in the sand before I think about doing anything about it. Tbh I can't face organizing anything else at the moment.

And yes it's all very, very shit. Sending hugs to anyone who needs one x

I’ve gone back to yoga too and I know what you mean about exhaustion. I read somewhere that that’s usual too, it takes a lot of energy to not fall apart all the time and keep going! Sometimes like when I’m at work I think, ‘how are you doing this just keeping on?’ But it’s what I feel I have to do and what my mum would expect.

I actually didn’t get any counselling when I lost my dad although I was open to it but I managed to work through it all myself. I just feel I will need it this time but there’s a waiting list so I don’t think I’ll actually get to talk to anyone for a few months. There is a lot of organising to do isn’t there, we haven’t really started on her flat yet which will need clearing and putting up for sale etc, that feels like an emotional mountain but I can’t even think about that right now.

It’s good to share feelings with others going through this and not feeling so alone or mad but I am for everyone else too. Thank you and take care x

I am struggling tonight.

I remembered a funny thing my Dad used to do. He had a great sense of humour. We could laugh about this particular memory all the time even though it was years ago.

I started to smile but then the tears just keep continuing to fall. That lump in my throat is back and the knot in my stomach.

I miss him so much.

I wish he'd show me a sign he is ok.

I love you Dad xxx

Handhold for you @HappyDaysAreAhead Sometimes the tears just have to come out. I hope you can find some peace this evening.

@HappyDaysAreAheadI could’ve written this myself. I lost my dad very suddenly in September following a shock brain tumour diagnosis. We shared a very similar sense of humour and I miss joking with him, it’s not nice when the feelings catch you off guard 💔 sending lots of love x

Can I join you all please? My lovely mum died suddenly three weeks ago, just went to bed and didn't wake up. She was in her eighties and had alzheimers but seemed physically fine. We lost dad two years ago, he had been ill and it was expected. This feels very different.

We've had the funeral and I've been keeping busy sorting things out but I'm struggling with being back at work. I'm so exhausted all the time and really have no interest in it. I want to be at work rather than just being home feeling sad all day but I'm not sure how to keep going. How did people manage the first couple of months?

@nowinsomefantasticplace I’m so sorry for the loss of your lovely mum. My mum died in March so I’m a bit further along this horrible journey.
I was like you and went back to work quite quickly as it felt better than just being at home thinking and being sad all the time. It is exhausting, I read somewhere it’s all the effort of keeping it together and I think that’s what it is. I felt like I really didn’t care about things when I first went back but I slowly started to have my usual interest return.

I think I’m just taking it day by day, I’m not putting too much pressure on myself and if I need to take time out and be sad then that’s what I’m doing. It’s just a bit up and down and some days I feel ok but then have a terrible day, without warning. But I’m also accepting that most days it feels like the joy has gone and even if it’s a good day it’s not like before. I think that will get better as I remember it did after my dad died.

I’ve also found that walking helps and I’ve started to do yoga again which helps me to switch off a bit and feel more normal. Just take care and look after yourself, losing your mum is huge and it takes time to heal.

So sorry about your mum @nowinsomefantasticplace. It's an absolutely shit time. I'm three months on from losing my mum now and at times I'm still totally wiped out by it all but the utter exhaustion is not quite as bad as before.

I'd echo what @dmango said. Take each day as it comes and don't put too much onto yourself. I've had a mantra on some of the harder days of what do I need to do (bare minimum) to get through today. So if that means ignoring the laundry for another day or ordering a takeaway, I don't beat myself up about it. Make sure you make sometime for yourself as well and don't feel guilty saying no to things if you're completely wiped out and need to stay home and rest. I'd also say get out for a walk if you can too; storming off for a stomp around the woods has helped me massively at times.

@dmango. Deal with the flat when you're ready, there's no rush. I just put mum's on the market, more because I live at the other side of the country, so logistics have been a nightmare and its been another gut punch. Also I'd not even considered waiting lists for counseling. We have a EAP with work so that might be ok, not sure if that's an option for you, if you needed something sooner?

Thank you @GreatQuail I definitely intend to take my time with the flat. There’s no rush so I’m going to let it slide a bit.
We do have an employment support scheme and my head teacher had reminded me when I went back to work but thank you for the suggestion. I’m ok at the moment and think I’ll wait for the Sue Ryder sessions but it’s good to know it’s there if I need it. I hope your week get on ok if you decide to take up your sessions.

I hope your week is going the best it can x

Thanks @dmango and @GreatQuail for your lovely responses. I know it's early days for me and I am taking it a day at a time but it's hard not to feel overwhelmed sometimes. I have taken the advice about walking and think it's helping with my sleep.

We have the internment of mum's ashes next week and I'm dreading that, it feels like just one bad day after another at the moment. I'm experiencing brain fog at work too but everyone is being really understanding. I've never experienced anything like this before, my heart goes out to everyone here.

@nowinsomefantasticplace so sorry to hear about your lovely Mum.
I'm 8 weeks in and it's still very raw.

I've found walking every day a big help, I nip out for a quick 15 min walk on my lunch break.

Be gentle on yourself, sending big unmumsnetty hugs.

I’ve written about my dad’s death on another thread in this forum.

My parents were on holiday in the Canary Islands in April when my dad died. I am thankful that I spoke to him out there a few days before he died.

Subsequently I’ve learnt an awful lot about the Spanish legal system in such circumstances, the roles of the U.K. consulate (a godsend to both my mother and me) and the process of his repatriation to the UK. The process of repatriation took around 2 weeks. Such flights do not occur daily and have to be scheduled. Our chosen undertakers in the U.K. had never previously had to deal with a repatriation either!.

Thankfully their travel insurers dealt with most of the heavy lifting re his repatriation but I had to arrange an asap return flight to the U.K. and became the point of contact for various people and organisations in association with the repatriation process.

I have also now returned from holiday. Some days are better than others and grief catches me unawares. I can imagine it will be like this for some indeterminate time. His funeral takes place at the beginning of June. i am also wondering what his birthday, start of the American football season and Christmas will be like without him present 😢💐.

I have been offered grief counselling so will take them up on their offer in the next few weeks/months.

My best wishes to you all.

Hello, I haven't read through yet so apologies for not knowing your stories. I am so sorry for what you are going through.

My mum died on the 11th May. She was 77. She'd been in hospital, nursing home, hospital for about a month after a nasty fall. She was supposed to be coming home on the 15th yet here we are facing the huge loss of a wonderful mum, wife, sister, friend. I can't believe it. How can she be gone?

My dad is devastated. He had been busily adapting the house for when she got home. She never got to use her electric chair.
I don't live near my parents any more so I have been back and forth.
I just don't know what to do with myself.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I have just read your post. I am sorry about your dad. It must be awful to go through the additional stress of him dying abroad. You got through it! I hope the grief counselling is helpful. Look after yourself.

I read your first post not long after I lost my mum and was lurking on here @AttilaTheMeerkat and my heart goes out to you. The loss is hard but with all of the logistics too it’s a nightmare. The wait for the funeral must be hard too.
We’ve actually got a holiday next week that was planned before my mum and I was dreading it but your positive words about your trip have made me start to look forward to it more.
I’m also thinking about how will we get through Christmas I’ve never had Christmas without my mum except 2020 but even then we dropped dinner off and zoomed dinner time.

Look after yourself it’s hard going and thanks for updates.

MrsMcNallysMaureen

I am so very sorry to read of your mum’s recent death. I know what you mean all too well about she not being around any more, it still seems somewhat surreal to me too. In the early days I felt I was in a parallel universe.

Can you assist your dad with paper work and the chosen undertakers in the event it’s too overwhelming? . We’ve had to do this with my mum. I would certainly advise you to be kind to yourself and to remember that this is a marathon, not a sprint. This part of the site has been of great help and comfort to me.

Take care and feel free to reach out

@MrsMcNallysMaureen I'm so sorry for your loss. It's such a shock especially when they seem to be recovering. I still can't really believe my mum's gone and it's been nearly 3 months. I manage to get by and I'm even smiling and laughing at things sometimes but there's just an overall sadness and disbelief she's not here. I thought today it's like she's gone on a trip, I just wish I could give her a quick call.

Take care of yourself, these early days are hard x