For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (November 2023)

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/4493231-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-March-2022?page=39&reply=130357515

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

It’s so difficult, to know if I’m doing ‘it right’. I visited mum’s grave the other day and didn’t cry, I’m only three months on from her death. But I miss her every day. Other life upsets seem harder to bear without her, not that I would have burdened her, but just having her there was a comfort in the chaos.

I'm glad the tears helped.

Today is going to be a bit rough here, we're going to present the money raised in lieu of flowers to the charity.

@WorriedRelative that's a lovely thing to do, I hope it went well.

@NormaJoan I guess there is no right or wrong way to do things! It's sometimes the simplest things you miss the most isn't it

Hi all. I will sadly join you as my beloved, wonderful Dad, my irreplaceable Daddy, died suddenly yesterday. He had been unwell for 2-3 years now and we knew the end was coming in a matter of weeks, but it was sudden and unexpected in the hospital. He was only 71, both a good innings and yet no age.

I’ve only had the energy to read page 1, so I’ll read more later. I’m glad to find others in the same horrible boat, somehow. I feel very alone despite still having my mum, brother, DH and 3DC.

Sorry, I have only just seen your message. Unfortunately it was cancelled as the person from the charity was poorly. I felt a bit shit having psyched myself up for it. Hopefully we'll be able to reschedule.

I am so sorry, my Mum was also just 71. It feels so unfair doesn't it when others have their parents into their 90s.

I hope you have good real life support but please post here if you need a listening ear.

Thank you. Yes, his half brother lived to 95! My eldest would be 30 by then. But he was suffering and in a way there’s relief now, that the pain is over. He looked well in death, in a way. Taller, at peace. I’m so sorry for the loss of your mum, the world feels different afterwards.

@Monket - i just wanted to say how sorry i am for your loss. It will be so raw right now. I lost my wonderful amazing Dad in September 2021, it is 3 years and a half roughly now and it feels like a year ago, at most. I do remember the first few weeks though, I felt numb and in shock. I visit my Dad’s grave every week and I don’t always cry when I go. I sometimes do, but I go and sit and talk to him and tell him everything that’s going on. My Dad was 74, so only a little older than your Dad and I know what you mean by it being no age. It really is no age to go early 70’s. It makes me so envious that some people have their Dad or their parents until they’re 90. I know it’s always going to hurt losing a parent at any age, but you sort of feel robbed when they go before their time. I know I feel like that.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that I can relate to how you must be feeling, as I’m sure everyone can on here and hopefully you’ll find some comfort by being part of the thread. It’s been a while since I posted anything but I still like to be part of the thread and pop on as it’s still a comfort and support knowing you’re not on your own in this.

Thank you very much for your kind words. I’m finding I’m going from desperately craving contact and memories from people who knew him, to wanting to jealously guard all my memories. Yesterday my seven year old spent the whole evening sobbing. Today the whole thing feels like a dream. I know it’s going to be a long road.

@Monket - it’s so very hard for the kids to understand and process as well. I have two boys who were both so extremely close to my Dad, my youngest is coping better than the oldest but my oldest son is really struggling to come to terms with my Dad not being around anymore. He’s 13 now but he was like a second Dad to him. They used to do everything together. It actually broke my heart more for my son than it did me, because I know I had my Dad for 40 amazing years. My son has missed out on so much time with my Dad and he cries some days even 3 and a half years on, it’s the hardest thing in the world. Here is you want to talk about what you’re going through, both on the post or happy if you want to message.

My beautiful mum passed away on Tuesday.

It was sudden and I'm in shock I think. Trying to navigate grief while supporting my 2 DCs who adored her is so hard.

She was the first person I'd call with any news or worries and I can't ring her now when I need it the most 😭.

I can't bare to look at the sky, that sounds ridiculous I know, but the thought of her "out there" is just so painful.

Her and Dad's house is full of her things, everytime I open a cupboard or drawer I see her, be it a mug she liked or the false tan for her legs, her perfume on the dressing table, her dress hung on the wardrobe, fridge full of food she loved to eat...

@Fightingdragonswithyou sorry for your loss. It’s never easy but when it’s sudden it floors you. How’s your DF coping? It’s such early days your emotions will understandably be all over the place. Do what you need to do, there’s no right way. Sending best wishes and thinking of all of you that have lost a loved one. Tomorrow is the first Mothers Day since my DM passed away.

I know exactly how you feel, that urge to give her a call and tell her something still strikes!

Nothing makes it ok, but you aren't alone.

Hope you are being well looked after today, Mother's day without your Mum is awful xx

I'm so sorry to everyone who has recently lost a parent. And to those of us who have been here a while now. It doesn't get easier it just becomes different.

It's such a brutal, cruel and heartbreaking time.

Today is always bittersweet for me. I'm a mum without a mum and Mothers Day is always difficult (I've done far too many if them already!!)

I wrote my mum a card this year, which I haven't done before but I found very therapeutic. I hope you don't mind me sharing my words.

Dear Mum,

Sorry you are not here so I can tell you in person, but I know that you know how much I love you on Mothers Day and on all the days.

Thank you for the wonderful life you gave me, thank you for teaching me to see beauty in the world even in times of great sadness. Thank you for giving me the strength and fortitude to cope with you not being here. I watched you be strong and brave my whole life so I knew how to do it, even though I never wanted to live a moment without you.

Thank you for your support, your love, your endless cheerleading about things that mattered to nobody else but me. Thank you for loving me, for loving my children and thank you for being a beautiful influence on every part of my life.

I know no-one will ever love me like you did and I carry that in my heart everyday. You are me and I am you. Forever entwined and forever connected.

I will blink back to tears and concentrate on all that I have this Mothers Day. I will see the light and not the darkness.

Love you mummy ❤️

Keep strong and know on this day that your Mothers loved you in only a way a mother can love a child

Oh @Crunchymum that made me cry in the most lovely way

Thinking of you all today and sending lots of love

Thinking of all of you (who have lost your mums) on Mothers Day

Beautiful words @Crunchymum xxx I always love your posts. You always say it so well. Thinking of you today. I still have my mum, but you’ll remember I lost my Dad. It will be 4 years at the end of September, when that awful month comes round for me. Your words have been a great comfort and support to me in that time. xxx

Fighting with dragons and monket I am so sorry for your recent loss
I am going to join you as my dad passed away suddenly on Tuesday

i just can’t believe it … I am wracked with a number of things
obviously grief but absolute shock
guilt I wasn’t there when he passed
guilt I hadn’t talked to him in the preceding days
and tremendous overwhelming guilt I wasn’t the best daughter - I really wasn’t I feel like I met him down and let myself down too We had a slightly complicated relationship but I let it get into my head and just did the minimum which is so sorry wrong I just can’t or don’t think I can ever forgive myself

Thank you for your kind words and sorry for your losses too, Edel and Fightingdragons. It’s so hard.

April was tough - with my three DC on school hols, going away and trying to act normally, preparing for the funeral, writing my eulogy etc. We had the funeral last week and that put an end to the practicalities taking up my time, at least.

Unfortunately, but entirely unsurprisingly to me, some things that my DF had kept private before he passed, have come to light - and I’m expecting more. I think I will consider some appropriate bereavement counselling, as these are things I would prefer to discuss (if at all) in a space away from my DH and DM, although it’s nothing that sinister in the grand scheme of things. Sadly people don’t become saints just because they’ve died.

I’d be interested to hear any experiences of such counselling, from those further along the journey, if anyone has the energy to share.

Having a wobble today.

DD has just absolutely smashed an audition for a Performing Arts course at college. They offered her an unconditional offer there and then.

As we came out I thought "best ring Mum to let her know" then felt like I'd been punched in the stomach when I remembered. Now sat here sobbing silently so as not to upset DD.

She was so proud of all her Grand children and loved getting photos and videos of DD dancing, it seems so automatic to reach for the phone to keep her updated 😭

Handhold and solidarity for you Fighting. Congratulations on your daughter’s lovely news, and sending you strength.

I’m having a bad night too - first time in pretty much the 6-7 weeks since my dad died that I’m the only adult in the house at night, and I can’t keep the tears in. You’re not alone this evening

Oh bless you Monket.

It just hits out of nowhere doesn't it. I've been so busy at work and have been feeling OK, then yesterday was like BAM!

DH said I was shouting Mum in my sleep last night though I don't remember dreaming of her. Feel absolutely drained and emotional this morning.

Sending lots of love to you too.

A month tomorrow since I lost my precious dad and it feels like yesterday. Funeral is on Tuesday and i have no idea how I'll get through it. I would choose him to be my dad in every lifetime over and over

@Howmanycatsaretoomanycats I'm so sorry for the loss of your wonderful Dad, I hope the funeral goes well as it can.