For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (November 2023)

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/4493231-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-March-2022?page=39&reply=130357515

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

Still here @Earlydarkdays how are you doing? Some weeks have been worse than others I've found. Also seems that people stop checking in after a while whereas I feel like I need people more now than I did at the start. Still forget that she's not here sometimes and it takes my breath away that she's not.

Hope everyone is doing ok

@KylieKangaroo totally agree about people drifting away. I have found this week the hardest of all of the 12 weeks since my DM passed away. Lots of tears at different times of the day because I’m sad she’s gone and this is real. Look after yourselves everyone.

@OliveOil2 how are your children finding things? My 9yo took it very hard loosing my Dad. I got support from Bereavement UK and they sent us a free good grief box with a book aimed at children that helped as I didn't have the words for him. I think I have channeled a lot of my energy into helping my son to distract me from thinking about my own grief.

Hi everyone, how're you doing? Hope life is peaceful, wherever you are on the path through grief.
Bit of a practical question here: my Dad applied for probate last Aug after mum died.
Most recent email from probate service they needed to know if Dad wanted to continue with the application, because they hadn't heard from him in 3 months - this wasn't the case, he had sent emails which were received, so Dad replied by email and said he wants to continue.
Problem is, they don't seem to be responding to emails and there's no phone number I can find to ring. Dad's getting stressed about it not being completed, and worried that they'll close the application. He's tried the online chat, but they just take info and advise to email the contactprobate email address, which he has done, but be reply.
Does anyone know if there's a phone number we can try? Or the best way to try and communicate with them?

On a personal level, I felt a shift in mid January, after sleepwalking through life since losing mum in June last year. I've no idea what happened, but I suddenly felt at peace, could see the joy in life again. I'm enjoying work and socialising, going to the gym, joined a choir, travelled a bit, I can see the light again. I was terrified of getting stuck in the lows, and am very thankful for those horrible, desperate feelings to have lessened.
It still takes my breath away that mum's not here, stops me in my tracks, but it doesn't physically hurt as much. I don't cry as much. I feel more like myself. I hope everyone's doing okay xx

@KylieKangaroo @Anjo2011 its really tough. Initially people are kind and present, but soon they drift off and forget.

At the start everyone was asking me how my Mum was. No one asked how I was. My Father died very suddenly totally out of the blue, we were both there. No one has to date asked if I am coping they only ask my Mum. I understand and that’s wonderful she has support, but I feel sad too and I’m supporting my Mum.

Ive got some bereavement counselling starting soon so I’m hoping it will help. I miss my lovely Dad so much it’s really hurts.

I feel similar @MargaritaPracticallyCan. It’s been almost a year since my mum passed away. The fact that I will never see her again takes my breath away and I feel sick at the realisation. But I can see joy in my children, focus at work etc. She is never far from my mind at the same time but I do try and focus on all the fun we had together, I have so many wonderful memories.

@DobbyTheHouseElk , Thankyou for your response, yes everyone always asks about my DF which is lovely but I’m definitely the forgotten one. I am dealing with my own grief as well as making sure he is ok so it always take a back seat. Sometimes it’s a blessing having a diversion but other times I just want to address my grief there and then but can’t. We are three months down the line, for me the initial devastation has passed but it’s now dealing with the new way of life whilst living and grieving at the same time. This is the new normal for now, my DF is now 91 and although he is in good health he is frail so we are negotiating his new way of life living on his own which he seems to be dealing very well with. I hope your bereavement counselling is helpful, it’s always good to talk about things. Sending good wishes your way.

@DobbyTheHouseElk How did you get bereavement counseling?
I name changed earlier in the thread, because I was going to post a question on how to handle in-laws that behaved terribly and will likely challenge the will they won't have been included in (because of that), but didn't get round to it anyway, but thanks to those that replied before.
Funeral is upcoming. I'm scared of angry, confrontational in-laws, as well as desperately upset on the bereavement. I had a manicure today to make an effort to look respectful for MIL whom was very elegant, and cried when there. Think it's the moment you truly stop and rest/get looked after, it suddenly hits.
Hope everyone is doing okay, remembering that loved ones would wish us to live on and fill our time with love for others around us.

@OliveOil2 You sound like you are really up against it. How awful to have to contend with a bereavement as well as family issues. I am getting some support via CRUSE. They are a really amazing bereavement support service run by volunteers. I hadn’t heard of them before by was recommended by this thread.

You can call them at any time during their office hours and talk to a supportive volunteer. It really helped me on a dreadful day when I was very low and consumed with grief.

I ended up on a waiting list for some counselling from them which starts soon. I’ve been waiting since September on the waiting list. But you can ring them at any time just to talk.

@DobbyTheHouseElk Thanks, I haven't heard of them before either. Good to know about, would probably do me good too. Hope the wait isn't much longer for the counselling for you and it helps.

DM got a letter in the post at the weekend It was from a jewellers addressed to my dad saying that they had his watch. He took it in last July and they said it needed picking up. He wanted the battery changed but something else needed doing to it DH picked it up today. They waived the bill for it which was kind of them. So today i held a watch that has been round his wrist so am struggling a bit.

Bless you. I've got my Dad's watches. Not a special one but one I bought him that he wore while gardening which he loved. It makes me happy sad when I hold it.

I'm struggling a bit. Heading for two years since he died. I'm waking up thinking about the week he died. Still cry after two years.

Nothing has felt the same since.

Im just coming up to the five month mark. Its shit isnt it

This week marked 1 year since I lost my mum. It’s totally shit.

over the past few weeks have been having horrible flashbacks of “this time last year xyz happened on this date”. It all happened so fast, less than 3 months from shock diagnosis to her dying.

Am finding I can’t even let myself think about her, as the pain is just overwhelming. The realisation that we will never talk again, passing places locally that have really stupid memories - it can sometimes suddenly suck the air out of me.

I miss her so much. Logically, I KNOW she wouldn’t want me to feel sad, she’d want me to find joy and happiness. And I do get moments, but they’re then tinged with sadness too. I’ve just taken on a 1 year-old cat (having PTS my amazing 15 year-old cat the week before Christmas), The new addition is gorgeous, incredibly friendly and also a little bit daft. I have moments of feeling pure joy with him, but then also feeling crushed that mum will never know him.

Sorry, that all sounds very self-absorbed, but just needed to get some feelings out.

The watch is still on British summertime. Made me think back to last summer when i noticed he was losing weight but he said "i dont eat much in the summer You know that"

He took the watch to the jewellers in July which means he drove , parked in the multi storey car park and then walked there.
By mid to late September he could barely stand. And died on 6th October. It just does my head in that it happened so quickly

@IJWMM sorry for your loss. Both your mum and your cat.

My cat was PTS back in October 2016 She was 15 and a half

@JenniferBooth - thank you. Am sorry about your dad and your cat too.

Those “date” realisations are horrible aren’t they? That must have been a shock getting the message about his watch, am sure you’ll treasure it, but it’s hard when it’s something that they’ve worn.

I wore a watch my dad gave me, today at funeral of mil. It's such a tough time, even months or years later. Still in shock for recent bereavement. They haven't gone though, all the past is still part of us, and I hear their voices, what they'd say about this and that. My mil voice has been telling me to look after her son and her grandchildren. So focusing my energies there as best as possible.

I wear my mum's wedding ring, my dad gave it me for safe keeping in the moments after she died. I thought I'd just put it in a box but I can't take it off. It's as if she's here and I'm taking her everywhere with me. Sometimes, particularly if it's somewhere new or exciting, I rub the ring and tell her where were going and what were doing. It sounds mad when I say it out loud.
She died in June last year, 6 weeks after diagnosis. From healthy and happy to palliative care in such a short space of time. Still can't get my head around how, why, what happened. I'd been feeling much more at peace since early Jan, but I keep getting that sledgehammer to the heart feeling in recent days.

@MargaritaPracticallyCan Your mother's ring sounds like a great comfort. I might wear the watch my father gave me more often.

@OliveOil2 I hope your father's watch brings you comfort too. It's the little things, which are the big things really aren't they?

How is everyone doing?

Most days are okay here but sometimes I just want to cry and cry but the tears won't come anymore, well today they did and I was quite happy about that, I don't want to feel like I'm over it or "moving on" as they say.

Tears are such a blessing sometimes, aren't they, @KylieKangaroo? It's often the only time I feel in touch with my grief, rather than just feeling miserable.

@KylieKangaroo I know what you mean about not wanting to 'feel okay' and move on, it just feels too big, too final. But also, it's okay to feel okay! Doesn't mean you loved them less or have forgotten them; quite the opposite I think.
We lost mum last June, and last weekend we tidied up loads of her clothes and shoes, took some to charity, saving lots of the beautiful clothes she made, but putting them away so dad didn't have to live amongst them. It felt okay, it felt right, of course it's sad and hard and poignant, but I think we did it when the time was right for us.
We turned the space where she spent the 6 weeks of palliative care from diagnosis to when she died into an office space for Dad, to repurpose it, which he says has really helped.
Small steps, one day at a time, but only if/when it feels right.