For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (November 2023)

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/4493231-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-March-2022?page=39&reply=130357515

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

Sending love to everyone it’s been 3 months without my dad and I’ve felt a real crushing in my chest this Xmas.
my parents were separated and I lost my step dad and step brother two years ago.
it’s so tough 💔.
I found this poem on instagram xxx

Look up Donna ashworth she has written some very comforting words x

Posted this on elderly parents board

Going through all this with my DM at the moment. My dad died in October so she is on her own (for this week as my niece who usually lives there is on holiday abroad for a week) DM tried to guilt trip her into not going. She cries that shes on her own everyday despite shouting and moaning at my poor dad while he was suffering from prostate cancer. My DB has been round there every day He is being run ragged and has lost weight. On Boxing Day (the night before neice went on holiday) DM cut her leg in the greenhouse. The bleeding absolutely would not stop , DB dressed it while i called NHS 111 There was a queue so i called 999 Paramedics came out and wanted to take her to hospital as blood pressure was very high and in stroke/heart attack range. She refused to go. On Friday morning at 8am i went to her GP surgery to try to book an appointment Nope Cant do it while im actually standing there in front of them Have to go away and wait for a phone call. First phone call from them after this went to my mum who is deaf asking her why she had missed her 12pm appointment. After a phone call she got her blood pressure pills which were changed today after todays appointment.
Now we have another appointment this Thursday to change her bandages, so back to the surgery again. Im taking her this time as DB is back at work that day after having fuck all rest on his Christmas break, but i have to rely on taxis to pick me up and then pick her up as i dont drive.

Oh god @Fleetwoodmac23 that's beautiful. And exactly how I feel. I'm terrified of leaving my gorgeous mum behind as the new year starts, after losing her 6 months ago. I didn't feel this way until a couple of days ago and had a sudden crushing pain again, that we're moving on and she isn't. I cried a lot today then went to a combat class to thrash it out. That helped. Thanks for sharing the poem 🩷

@Fleetwoodmac23 thanks for sharing that poem. I just sent it to my stepdad.

Sending love to everyone grieving as the year comes to an end.

My mum died in May this year and I don't feel good about a new year without her in the world.

As well as losing my mum I'm also gradually losing my mobility, hopefully I can get better in future (if I can ever get a hip replacement), but I feel I'm ending the year as a completely different person.

At the start of 2024 everything was ok, and now I'm in emotional and physical pain and can't clean my house or drive or walk longer than 20 mins. And my mum is the only person I'd like comfort and sympathy from.

That's a nice poem @Fleetwoodmac23

Feeling simultaneously glad that a difficult year has come to an end but seem to be having waves of grief to be entering a new one that my dad will never be in.

I really hope that you are as ok as possible after your mum’s funeral.

Sending peace and strength to all moving over to the new year.

How are you all? I hope NY was ok and has given us all some space now it is over.

We had DF’s birthday earlier this week. In the 10 weeks since he died, we’ve had my young DD and DS’s birthdays, my parents’ wedding anniversary, Xmas, NY and now DF’s birthday. It’s felt like a rolling wave over me in some ways. Now we have a bit of time to breath and I find myself mulling over the last few weeks of his life. He phoned me about 2 weeks before he died at 5am one morning in a huge panic that he was dying and tried to say goodbye over the phone. I am struggling to get the sound of the panic in his voice out of my head. (He wasn’t admitted with something life threatening and wasn’t unwell prior to that issue, things went wrong when he was in hospital and apart from that phone call and a few other panicked conversations in his first week there, he never accepted he was dying and was adamant he was going home). I know it’s all just part of processing it but I wish I could forget some of it!

I'm coping ok. I am just entering my 4th week on antidepressants, which I think has helped a lot. I think it had been worsening for the last year or two, but dealing with DM's terminal illness diagnosis was the catalyst for me to actually get to the GP and ask for help. I held off starting them until after her funeral in case I had any adverse side effects.
After DF's hospital trip on 23rd Dec and a quiet Christmas and New Year DF pressed his lifeline and was admitted to hospital on 2nd Jan. We are not on the mainland and they decided DF needed an urgent referral to another hospital for a heart procedure so he was transported by air ambulance. (I was allowed to accompany him). We are now back home and he is recovering. He lives nearby, but it can be a struggle to go and see him on top of work, home and trying to spend time with my own DH & DC. I've cut down my hours at work temporarily but still feel like I’m constantly racing against the clock.,

@YoniHuman, that is a huge amount on your plate. I’m glad you and your DF are home now and the antidepressants are helping but I also hope things calm down a bit for you so you can get some rest.

@YoniHuman @Earlydarkdays I hope you are both okay and have the time to process things a little bit more now Christmas and NY are over. @YoniHuman I hope the antidepressants are helping you cope a bit more.

I have been okay but was upset this morning as I couldn't remember how many weeks since my Mum passed and that's just made me feel terrible, it feels like life is moving on and I feel guilty for not having the time and space to remember her more. Thank god it's the weekend tomorrow.

Hi all, good to see an update from you albeit under sad circumstances. I relate to lots of things you have said. This weekend will be 8 weeks since DM passed away. Christmas was surprisingly ok after an awful Xmas eve when the postman delivered a few letters from banks/building societies etc confirming they had updated records with the death. Cold hard facts that she had passed away. Currently working through probate which has thankfully been straightforward. My DF is doing ok, it’s his birthday next week. Me, I’m finding one day I’m in control and another I feel a wreck. I’m just going with it as it’s all I can do. Sending you all strength and good wishes for the weeks ahead.

Hi everyone, sending wishes for a gentle new year. I've gone back to work this week for the first time since mum died. It's proved to be a good distraction as I'm a teacher, so it's all a bit like acting a role! This week has also included my mum's birthday - a milestone one. I got through the day but nearly fell to pieces when someone at work asked if I'd 'celebrated'. We hadn't - a busy day for me and my partner, my brother lives quite far away and no one else really around to mark the day. It made me feel almost guilty, even though I knew it wasn't really the time to do anything more.

Having a bit of a wobble tonight. Grief like a panic attack where i feel highly anxious.

I miss my DF all the time but tonight feels overwhelming

I'm so sorry, Jennifer. I never imagined grief being like a panic attack, but I know what you mean now. I find the image of 'riding the waves' of strong emotions quite helpful. Knowing that they will ebb and flow. 💙

I'm so sorry JenniferBooth - that sounds so difficult.

It's all so random for me. Sometimes I can talk about dad having died quite matter of factly and other times I can feel my throat tightening straight away. Had to sort something for my mum at the GP yesterday and said I needed to be noted as emergency contact now, rather than my dad. All done, all fine. Then sat in the car park sobbing for 20 minutes.
Mum had some emergency treatment last week at the hospital dad died in. I really, really didn't want to take her there. Then they were so good with her and the Dr she saw was fantastic. All I kept thinking was why couldn't that Dr have been looking after my dad and he might not have died. Stupid of me.

How is everyone doing? The weeks without our loved ones seem to be flying by and it's true what they say that grief does come in waves. Hope everyone is doing okay.

Hi all, same here some days are better than others. Have been dealing with late DMs estate and did probate myself as it looked fairly straight forward. Thankfully it was and was granted within 1 week which I was truly shocked by. We also scattered her ashes last week which actually wasn’t as bad as I feared. Hope everyone is doing as well as they can. It’s a long road and things will never be the same again, but I hope you are all managing as best you can.

It’s a weird process I find. I have moments where I am grateful that DF didn’t suffer for years or through serious illness for months before he died, but then I read the texts he sent me less than a month before he died and he was chatting about about making puzzles in his shed, looking forward to watching our children in their school plan in a few weeks etc and I can’t get my head around how he can go from that to dead a few weeks later. I wonder if I’d feel this way if he had died 10 years later in his mid 80s rather than his mid 70s or if it you always feel robbed of time you expected to have with someone. Who knows?!

I hope you are all ok and January is giving you some respite or distraction depending on what helps.

Just found this thread, sorry of wrong place. I don't know what to do. How do I tell my children that another grandparent has just died? 3 now, within two years. They only just saw her a few days okay seemingly all well. It will frighten them. I'm shocked too.

@OliveOil2 I'm truly sorry for your loss and thinking of you. Grandparents are such a blessing and hard to live without x

Thank you @KylieKangaroo .
I just feel sick now. A security blanket pulled away, life changes to be made.
Has anyone pulled material together for what to do after a parent passes, and for grief?
I'm terrified of losing our last parent. And I don't know how my young children are going to process so many losses.

How are you all?

@OliveOil2, I’m very sorry for your loss. That must have been very hard to have to tell your children after other recent losses of grandparents as well. How are you coping?