For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (November 2023)

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/4493231-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-March-2022?page=39&reply=130357515

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

So sorry for folk going through these challenges. You don't grasp it until it happens to you.

Have been with my Dad today, poor thing is so desperate to try and do Christmas right. He was making his shopping list to finish the food shop for Christmas dinner and then worrying whether Mum had bought presents for me and my sister yet 😭

@eggplant16 and @Oilyoilyoilgob the number of friends I've apologised to since losing my mum in June, for not truly comprehending what they're going through! I feel guilty for not getting it before now. It's so true that people have no idea how much it physically and emotionally hurts to lose a beloved parent.
I went to choose some photo frames today to put some pics of mum. Even now, six months on, I almost can't comprehend I'm putting pics of her in a frame, to remember her as she was.
Noticed my gorgeous grown up DS (21) had a new little earring in when he came home from uni. It's mum's favourite bird, and he said he'd bought it just after she died, to remember her by 😩❤️

I felt so sorry for people, but just couldn’t imagine losing a parent. My life has changed since 19th December. My heart and chest feel like they have been ripped to pieces. I just want and need my Dad back in my life. I’m devastated.

My mum has been with my dad 45 years, married 44.5 (they said they knew they’d marry each other as soon as they saw each other) and she is missing him so much. My brother is so upset.
my husband already misses him. I simply cannot comprehend I’ll never see my wonderful dad again.

I’m sure you have some wonderful photos of your Mum, and I can’t imagine what a tough 6 months you’ve had. I love that your son got the little bird earring-little acts of love xx

It's the fourth Xmas without my mum this year. She doesn't feel as familiar to me anymore, which is distressing in its own way. I have two little children, one of whom doesn't remember her, and the other wasn't born until after she died. I find that hard, like my life just kept going and she was never in it.
Sending love to you all at Christmas time , especially if it's the first one. The first year, I found NYE hard. But I feel that once you've done the 'firsts' it isn't as bad.

Or rather, you get more used to how bad it to is.

I’m five weeks in, my DM died last month. Apart from the initial devastation I’ve been ok, sorting, arranging everything. But today im feeling it a lot. I think my DF is feeling it too, she’s never coming back, we will never see her again. That’s a hard one to get your head around. My thoughts are with those experiencing the same.

DH converted some old vids from an old phone of mine and put them on my laptop so today i watched my dad and heard his voice again

That's such a good idea JenniferBooth. My mum has some old cine camera tapes. I must see what can be done with them. Missing my dad - haven't done Christmas really, but got his favourite cake (Tunis) and will enjoy that for him. He did love his chocolate.

That's lovely @JenniferBooth

God the sadness of it all just takes your breath away doesn't it! It's just so desperately sad that they are not here like they should be. I feel so lucky to have had so many wonderful Christmases and memories and no amount would have ever been enough I suppose.

Thinking of everyone this evening and into tomorrow. I hope you have the time to be with your DPs in thought if you want that, and you find peace and comfort during everything.

It's 3 weeks for me now since we lost DM. DF is also taking it hard. He has heart trouble and we spent yesterday morning in A&E. He told me he wishes he was dead.

Just wanted to pop on and send love and light to you all. Especially those who have very recently lost someone and those who are facing their first Christmas without a beloved parent.

This will be my 4th Christmas without my lovely mum. I miss her everyday but this time of year it's quite poignant. She loved Christmas so in honour of that we have always kept this time of year as positive and as festive as we can... even in the grips of grief and despair.

I'll be with my dad and siblings tomorrow and we'll raise a glass to the woman who made us all so happy and enriched our lives so much ❤

Oh that's heartbreaking. It is so hard supporting them. My dad seemed really fragile today, it's tough to know what to do to help.

I'm sorry for your loss @YoniHuman . Sadly, the price for a lifelong love is even greater grief when your partner dies.

@YoniHuman, I’m so sorry to hear your DDad is feeling that way. I hope yesterday passed as gently as it could for you both. We are nearly 2 months in here and my DM is starting to really struggle now. She was so busy trying to keep busy at the start but the reality of the loss is becoming larger now that she has time to think. No words of wisdom, just solidarity.

How is everyone doing? 💚

Dreading NYE Cant get my head around entering a year that wont have Dad in it How are you doing @KylieKangaroo

Just here to offer quiet solidarity to everyone, especially approaching the New Year.

One the one hand, I want this year to be over and for most of the “firsts” to be behind me. On the other hand, the thought of passing into a new year without my mum seeing it, is absolutely devastating.

Tomorrow would have been mum’s birthday, my first without her. I’m in a weird state at the moment. Very heavy sadness, feel adrift and totally numb at the same time. I’m functioning (vaguely), but I feel like the lights have been turned out. I think I’m presenting as “you’re doing really well”, but I feel like most of my heart has been torn away and that it’s never going to repair. Like I could probably “function” from this point on, but I’m never going to be properly myself again.

In reality, I get that things will improve in time. But the realisation that the one person in the world, who loves you unconditionally, is gone is really hard to get your head around.

We had a really lovely Christmas Day, despite my fears that it would be awful. We did exactly the same as always, a family meal at our house, and I felt a sense of peace that I haven't felt in months. Then we had three days visiting MIL and SIL 300 miles away, which was nice.
But yesterday, the heaviness crept in again. I don't want to leave mum behind as a new year starts. Feeling really low. Back to work (from home) today and having dinner with close friends tomorrow evening, I don't really enjoy NYE anyway, and this year it just feels like another hurdle to climb over.
Sending love to everyone - we can do this, for our loved ones and ourselves - but god, it hurts like mad!

It's Mum's funeral today, I guess this is where it becomes real.

Not sure how I'll cope, Dad is struggling with the prospect of the funeral too and it is so hard to see.

@WorriedRelative thinking of you and your dad today, hoping it can go as well as it can. Everyone's experience is different, try not to worry about everyone else there, just focus on you and your dad, don't forget to breathe. Just go with what feels right to you. You'll get through it and things will shift, just a little. Take care xx

The breathing thing is proving difficult already and we haven't even got to Dad's yet!

Weirdly arguing with DH about whether he should wear a coat was a welcome distraction!

@WorriedRelative I hope the funeral goes well for you today.

@IJWMM you have summed up everything I'm feeling perfectly there. It's wanting to get this year over with but equally soul destroying the thought of entering a new year without them in it.

@WorriedRelative I really hope today went ok and brought some comfort to you and your Dad.

@IJWMM thinking of you on your Mum’s birthday tomorrow. My Dad’s birthday would have been next week and I know it will be a hard day.

Muddling along here. Relieved to be home in our own house after Xmas with my in laws. Being away was easier as we’d spent the last few in our house with my parents but still glad to be back in my own space. DMum is now here for new year with us. She’ll find it hard to return home this week I think and I am dreading the running backwards and forwards again but needs must.

I had a conversation yesterday with a friend who lost her Dad suddenly about 6 months ago. She said she was looking forward to the new year as it meant a shit year was behind them and they could look forward. I understood what she meant but I am struggling with the concept of starting a new year without my Dad and not really looking forward yet. Maybe it’s just a time thing; Dad died two months ago today; even though 6 v.2 months isn’t really much in the grand scheme of things.