For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (November 2023)

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/4493231-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-March-2022?page=39&reply=130357515

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

@BetteDx Sorry for your loss. I had to pick out DM’s clothes. I picked the outfit she was wearing in her last photo with my DF.
A friend came round to help me clear out DM wardrobe earlier this week. Kept a couple of bits but just bagged up the rest for the recycling clothing bins. The charity shops round me are very picky and I just couldn’t do with them picking through it in front of me. It’s the only personal effects I’ve managed to properly clear/sort through so far.

Hello, please can I join?
My mum died unexpectedly last month. It's been an awful awful shock and we've not had the funeral yet as we had to wait for a post mortem report. I feel too young (30) to deal with all the admin and grief!
Her funeral is next week and although I really want it done, I'm dreading the 'after' of it because I know for the wider family and friends it may feel almost like an ending, or putting it to bed of it all, where I still feel in the thick of the terrible grief.
For me, grief has felt so lonely. I do have a sibling but they're older and don't live nearby, and my parents weren't together so there's that side of the grieving that's tricky too.
I also haven't been sleeping well (hence the lateness of this post). Fortunately, my work have been very supportive and I've been signed off work until after Christmas

@MySandwich so sorry for what you are going through and you are young to be dealing with this. I’m glad your work is supporting you. I too have my mum’s funeral next week and feel that for some it will be a a time to move on a bit, but everyone’s grief is personal. I’m in this weird fog as mentioned by @Anjo2011 and having to choose outfits and sort through mum’s stuff is so difficult. I am an only child but my DH is going above and beyond to manage things for me. I am grateful for this. Take care all and sending love.

So sorry for your loss @WorriedRelative. Similar happened to me, I was in New Zealand when I received a condolences text. The flight back was one of the worst experiences of my life, just sitting there for hours on end wondering when the pain will stop.
Sending you so much love xx

@Anjo2011 thanks so much and I'm so sorry to hear about your loss

thanks so much and I'm so sorry to hear about your loss 

Thank you, I am sorry you experienced similar. It was so awful, the panic when I realised something was wrong but didn't know what and was trying to get hold of someone. Then the realisation, then the waiting, then the return to reality and having to face it all.

I got another message from the person who sent the condolence text the other day and when I saw it I felt that panic start to rise. I was OK but just for a second I wasn't in a rainy car park in England I was on the seafront on the last day of an amazing holiday about to have everything come crashing down.

Thanks for your message @NormaJoan .
The fog is crazy, isn't it? I'm often considered quite organised and robust but I've found myself spending hours stuck in bed not even noticing time passing. Yes the choosing an outfit was tough- I ended up going for something she'd bought for her upcoming 'big' birthday celebration but I'm not sure she'd tried it on or if it will fit properly! Then I have to catch myself and remind myself that ultimately it doesn't really matter

How is everyone coping with the lead up to Christmas?

I’m so sorry if you are facing a funeral in the coming weeks. I hope it goes as well as these things can and gives you some space to remember your DP.

Poor DH is probably getting a bit fed up with my constant chatter about it all at the moment. DF died 6 weeks ago, I went back to work last week (primary school teacher) and we have had both of our primary age DC’s birthdays in the last three weeks. I find this time of year quite stressful anyway between work and home, so all of this on top of supporting my newly widowed DM (I’m an only child, she doesn’t drive far and lives 35 mins from us and has quite significant mental health difficulties before this anyway) and feel like I am constantly failing to meet someone’s needs let alone grieve or sleep. DP has been amazing but also really doesn’t get what is going on in my head with everything I don’t think.

It's been two months for me and I don't feel I've even had time to grieve really yet, no funeral a busy job and 2 young children plus everything else that is going on. I feel guilty for just carrying on and hope to have some time over Christmas to actually think and grieve properly which I have not been able to do yet.

@Earlydarkdays it sounds like you have a lot on your plate as well and I hope you get a break soon and time to think as well.

I’ve really not been able to get in the Christmas mood, just doesn’t feel the same. Can’t be bothered and feel and that DP is putting lots of effort in

Its New Year that im dreading

@Earlydarkdays sounds like you have a huge number of plates spinning, hope you can get a break over the next few weeks - don't feel guilty about putting your emotional and physical needs first, even if just every now and again - self care is so important during times of acute stress.
I'm swinging between trying to make the most of Christmas like we always have, as it's what my mum would want us to do, and feeling so heavy and sorrowful at mum not being here.
It's been nearly 6 months and whilst things feel different to the early days, the waves of grief knock me off my feet for a few days each month (probably not helped by perimenopause!)
My lovely Dad is doing as well as he can, he's being so brave and finding his way, slowly, two steps forward one step back. One of our boys is home from uni and our other will be back this weekend, missed them hugely and can't wait just to have them here for a bit.
Hoping you, me and everyone else treading water in this sea of grief can find glimmers of peace and happiness over Christmas.

I have my DM’s funeral tomorrow. I feel like I’m a passenger on a speeding train and I can’t get off, speeding towards all these things I can’t believe are happening. In my head I’m screaming ‘no’ over and over. The pain is horrible. I have, through, found comfort in this thread with seeing the experience of others. I’m thinking that maybe once the funeral is over, I can work on my grief in a more measured way, without so much ‘sadmin’ ( this word was lifted from a book on grief I was browsing in a bookshop yesterday, author Richard Cole I think). Anyway, I’m guessing I may be in a different stage but I am dreading tomorrow.
Sending love and strength to everyone.

@NormaJoan sending strength and good wishes for tomorrow. My DM funeral was 3 weeks ago tomorrow, it’s different for everyone but I did find it helped with the beginning of some closure. There’s no easy way, just take it day by day and be kind to yourself.

I am sorry, I hope things go smoothly and you gain some comfort from the funeral.

My DM's funeral is still over a week away but going through the arrangements and discussing it all with the vicar was one of the hardest parts so far. I am dreading doing it for real.

We'll be here if you need to talk tomorrow

@NormaJoan the 'sadmin' (I learnt this phrase recently too and think it's perfect!) is just awful isn't it? I had my mum's funeral today and even on the way out of the house there was a letter informing me there's no entitlement to any pension benefits.
I hope tomorrow brings you comfort. I was absolutely dreading today but oh my goodness, it was special. Of course it was sad, but it felt like it honoured my mum. I'd included some (ridiculous) touches (I'd rather not 'out' myself on here but there were some parts that were so very Mum) and got through my speech without sobbing so I was pleased!
Sending peace to everyone else walking this long , tough path at the moment

Thank you so much @WorriedRelative , I think I’ll be back here soon. Wishing you strength for your DM’s funeral . @MySandwich , what timing with the sadmin letter! I’m glad you found the funeral a comfort and I have taken strength and comfort from that myself. I really, really want to say my speech clearly. Fingers crossed x

@NormaJoan I cried in every practice run of my speech, but managed it today so hope the same happens for you! If it doesn't though, it ultimately doesn't matter. People will be impressed you've even managed to find the strength to stand on such a difficult day

Hello,

I lost my wonderful dad early hours this morning 💔 He spent the last week in ITU and declined very quickly.

We got to be with him as he passed which is giving some small comfort but I feel so angry/ devastated and robbed of time with him.

Thinking of everyone else going through this ❤️

@Bec91 I'm really sorry for your loss, it's such a shock and so close to Christmas as well. Nothing can really prepare you for the feelings of loss and despair. Take care of yourself x

@Bec91 sorry for your loss. It’s gut wrenching isn’t it. The first few days are a complete fog. Sending condolences. Look after yourself.

I wish my Mum was here today, I have been so sick all week with tonsillitis and she would be the person at the end of the phone to give me sympathy, I really miss her today 😓

Hello. I lost my amazing dad on Thursday 19th December. He was 77 and he has been my dad for 43 years.
I adored him. I miss him so much already and the physical feeling of loss is indescribable. I cannot comprehend that I will never see him again, give him a hug and kiss, hear him talking-amazing conversations. He was such an intelligent man, kind, caring, patient and showed us he loved us in so many ways.

I always felt so sorry for friends and family members who lost a parent, but could never imagine how truly painful this is. I just desperately miss him so much.

I dreamt of my Dad just before waking this morning. I was hugging him. Woke up in tears. It's been a year and a half. Still cry often.

Sending love to everyone here this Christmas especially @Bec91 and @Oilyoilyoilgob for whom it'll be so raw.