For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (November 2023)

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/4493231-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-March-2022?page=39&reply=130357515

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

@EmileFord sorry for your loss In my dads case it was an unsafe discharge He died after a fall on the stairs due to being weak from prostate cancer

@Anjo2011 so sorry for your loss

@JenniferBooth what an awful situation and how sad that your DF was sent home and should not have been. There are so many similarities when you read the different experiences on this thread and elsewhere. My DM was in a hospital that was rated as ‘requires improvement’ in many areas and it is also one of the largest teaching hospitals in the country. I have said previously there was no pro active care. The staff as lovely as they were, were just firefighting. Admitting her to hospital was the beginning of the end and that’s hard to take in.

@Anjo2011 I'm so sorry for your loss and that your Mum was also let down by the hospital. So many of us are in the same situation it seems 😓

I feel guilty thinking i could and should have done more but if i had tried to get him re admitted to hospital the night before he died ( a Saturday) i then think how long will he have had to sit on a plastic chair

Shocking what happened with your DM Absolutely NOT your fault so please dont blame yourself.
At Dads wake i was talking to DBs partners mum whose husband died of lung cancer just over a year ago and he kept being sent home but within 24 hours he was back in A&E. If this was happening to any other group this would be a scandal and all over the news but because its elderly people its normalised.

Thank you for your kind words. I was not with my DM when she passed as had gone home to sleep, (not that I could). I had been with her in the hospital for the past 24 hours. She had been in hospital for a week. I knew the end was coming as she was becoming more unresponsive and withdrawing. Not that the staff, kind as they were told me any of this.
The palliative team had popped in to see her in the week but they don't work weekends. There were no spaces in our local hospice. I was googling end of life, noticed the signs so told them I was not leaving her alone, and they didn’t argue. She was in a side room so it wasn’t impacting any other patients. I sat with her overnight and although she didn’t talk to me or squeeze my hand back I'm glad we had that time alone together, and that when she was in discomfort I was able to call the nurses quickly to give more pain relief. She passed about an hour and an half after I'd left but my DF & DB were with her. I then went back up to say my final goodbyes.

Please can I join?

My Mum died last week, it was very sudden, although she had mobility issues she was improving and it wasn't anything life threatening.

I was on holiday on the other side of the world. We'd been messaging everyday but I hadn't seen her for over two weeks.

I found out via a condolences text. I was on the bloody beach.

I thought I was coping but have felt sick all day. Then my Dad told me the earliest date for the funeral is after Christmas and I have been able to stop crying since.

I don't know what to do.

@WorriedRelative I’m so very sorry to hear about your loss. I’m sorry too you found out that way. Wishing you strength and comfort in the coming weeks. I’m a little bit further on than you in this terrible club, but remember those first days and weeks and the crushing awfulness of it. I promise it doesn’t always feel like this.

I didn’t want you to feel alone. You’re not alone. Take very good care of yourself x

@WorriedRelative I also want to say how sorry I am to hear of your pain over your loss and the circumstances. Tomorrow I’m 2 weeks into this difficult journey that we share, so also early days and having to plan and arrange things I don’t want to plan and arrange. Take care of yourself x

@WorriedRelative sorry to hear of your loss. Finding out that way and being so far away must have been hell ish. Your mums situation sounds similar to mine, was medically fit but had several falls over a few weeks and ended up in hospital. It all went downhill from there. My DM passed away three weeks ago, we have already had the funeral and today I have started to sort through some paperwork in order to begin probate. It doesn’t feel real. This is the most significant loss I have experienced in my adult life. The emotions I have experienced over the last few weeks have been very varied. Knowing I will never see her again is the hardest. You will feel very alone but there are so many people experiencing loss at any one time. Be kind to yourself, cry when you need to and talk to someone if you feel you can. One day at a time is all you can do. It’s hard but you will get through it. This time of year is particularly difficult and waiting until after Christmas for the funeral is exceptionally hard. Sending good wishes.

Oh @WorriedRelative im so so sorry. And sorry that you found out that way.

@WorriedRelative I'm sorry for your loss, it's such a shock and you must have felt so far away from home at that time, I can't imagine how tough that was. Thinking of you, take one day at a time 💔

Thank you everyone, sorry that you are going through or have been through similar.

Being so far away was awful and the journey home was so weird.

@WorriedRelative So sorry for your loss and also the awful way in which you found out. What a shock that must have been.

Am still drowning in paper work and the solicitor has been a bit quiet - I guess there's nothing major we can do until we get letters of administration.

Sky is doing my head in at the moment. I reported mum's death and I'm getting letters addressed to her asking whether she's changed her mind about leaving Sky😞

@WorriedRelative I’m so very sorry for your loss. This was me just under a year ago. My dad was exceptionally fit and well. We went away for Christmas and he suddenly died on the 27th of December, my brother had to ring me and I was sat in a lovely restaurant. Those days and the journey home were surreal. I couldn’t get my daughter off the plane as she’d completely broken down when we landed. The compassion of the air hostesses as we all sobbed I still remember so clearly.
It’s been a very hard year. It’s the only real loss I’ve had and I’ve found it really tough. Let family and friends help you and let them see you cry. Do you have siblings to help with all the paperwork? My brother has been amazing sorting through it all as he lives local to my mum and I don’t. I’m actually down with my mum now and we talk about dad all the time, it’s so important to do that.
Sending you my thoughts for the coming time and honestly you do what you need to do to get through this, if that means a quiet Christmas so be it x

This is almost identical to what happened in my case.

The staff were kind but no one gave any indication it was close to the end. It was only a doctor who had been in the week before noticed how far he’d gone downhill. I was so angry at the time. Mostly because I think it delayed him being made comfortable - drugs too late, syringe driver too late, no hospice bed and too late to transport. I think I was quite traumatised about the last couple of days for a while. Have had to make peace with it in that it’s not affecting him any more as he’s gone and I can’t change it, but it was bloody awful

Pinkmittens 💐. You just feel like you should have done more, despite doing all that you could. DM was on a syringe driver for the last 2 days but they were still trying to get her to take tablets (which she couldn’t keep down) & giving her injections. The on call oncologist came in for about 2 minutes at about 9am, glanced at her chart, asked me how long I’d been there and how her night had been. He told me to get some rest & pace myself. Shouldn’t have bothered listening to him, she died 2 hours later.
Mum had been propped upright in bed as it was more comfortable for her. 3 staff came in at 9.30 to wash/change/tidy bedding etc. Advised me to give them space and wait outside or go home for a rest. They lowered DM flat and the noise she let out was horrendous. It was the final straw for me and I phoned my DH to come and collect me.

@WorriedRelative Sorry for your loss, and how the news reached you.
I have DM funeral tomorrow, we thought she’d appreciate the date as she was a big horror film fan. Ironically it was also the date she received her cancer diagnosis.

I am sorry that you went through something so similar.

I have my younger sister, she's being very supportive and lovely but paperwork is very much not her thing. That will be on me and Dad. She has however managed to juggle work so she can cook a proper Christmas dinner and is going to wrap the presents Mum had bought.

Yesterday we were tidying some stuff up including the bags of shopping she had bought just before she collapsed and found the Christmas present she'd bought for DH. She loved Christmas and buying presents and things. All her cards are written and just waiting to be posted. Most of the Christmas food has been bought too. It is going to be awful without her.

Best wishes for tomorrow x

I cannot imagine wrapping the presents your lovely mother bought, that’s really heartbreaking. I think maybe a quiet meal is all you need. My mum refuses to put a Christmas tree up this year but I feel you have to do something. But it won’t be pleasant, it’s probably a day to get through and then spend some time doing what you want to do, if that’s getting into bed at 8pm then so be it.
My brother has copied me in on all the probate stuff so I do ask if he needs help with anything. Maybe you could do that with your sister too?
really just please look after yourself too, it’s hard when you look after everyone, you must think of yourself too x

@YoniHuman I hope that the funeral as went well as it could for you.

My Mum bought me a birthday present before she died and it was so strange to not be able to thank her.

Hi - I'm new. My darling dad died yesterday after a short illness.

He had cancer some years ago and it was in an early stage so was successfully treated via surgery.

It seems it came back and spread.

There were no signs until Monday, when he was rushed to hospital. He went into organ failure and died after being peacefully sedated for about two days.

He managed to ring me, tell me he loved me and I am so grateful for that.

He was late 70s.

I am a mess.

My lovely mum was by his side throughout. She is being very brave but I worry how she will cope alone.

I am visiting her soon to help her choose an outfit for dad to be buried in - I am dreading that.

Sorry to all of you that you have to endure this sorrow.

@BetteDx sorry to hear of your loss, especially with it being so sudden. To hear from him before he passed away must have been excruciating but I hope being able to speak to him brought a little comfort. It’s hard, there’s no doubt. My DM passed away four weeks ago tomorrow . It still feels like I’m living in a fog. Losing a loved one is never easy but this time of year feels particularly hard. Be kind to yourself and take one day at a time, there are no rules and everyone’s grief is different. Take care .

Thank you @KylieKangaroo it did. Couple of little hitches but nothing to get worked up about. I took DD(13) Christmas shopping last night. It was nice to get out for a bit but did feel bittersweet when we kept seeing things DM would have liked. She was always the easiest in the family to buy for.
I have a couple of little Xmas gifs that I had already bought for DM before she died as we just didn’t know how long she had. We were told very, very best case 6-9 months. She only lasted 3. I couldn’t bring myself to give all her gifts early as it seemed so defeatist to say “have if now as you might be dead by Xmas”.