For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (November 2023)

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/4493231-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-March-2022?page=39&reply=130357515

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

So sorry for your loss @NormaJoan - sending the love right back to you, it so hard isn't it? I'm 25 days in and still so up and down and sometimes I still forget that she's gone.

@Earlydarkdays - actually, despite what I felt before speaking to the celebrant, I think he's perfect for mum's funeral. I told him mum wasn't religious and he was fine with that. He asked whether or not we'd like a prayer included in the service (no hard sell) and we are going to include one as I (and mum) won't find the inclusion offensive but some of mum's friends might find it disrespectful not to include the lord's prayer. He's also so knowledgeable about other aspects of the funeral. His daughter actually goes to the same school as my eldest two - small world!

The funeral is all planned now, the flowers are being delivered to the FD's on Friday (but apparently they can keep them chilled so they'll still look perfect for Monday).

I've decided not to have a wake - is that okay? Is it rude? The thought of trying to make pleasant small talk with near strangers after putting mum to rest is just too much to bear. It will be a very small funeral too as my mum was of an age where many of her contemporaries had already passed. My dad's wake was just awful, some people seemed to almost be treating it like a social occasion but I spent the whole time in a corner sobbing on my DP.

OMG @Earlydarkdays how could they go to wrong one? Glad it panned out okay though,

OMG @Earlydarkdays how could they go to wrong one? Glad it panned out okay though.

@MozartsMothballs The celebrant sounds like they were really helpful and actually listened to what is important to you and what your DM would want which is so important. I really hope it all goes well and feels like a day to think about your DM in a way you want to.

Absolutely fine not to have a wake! The last thing you need is that hanging over you if it isn’t what you want and think it doesn’t sound like it would be helpful so I would absolutely do the same.

I have no idea! She had been involved in the planning from the start as she is the minister of the church my parents go to, and had visited my DF in hospital etc so I guess she just got muddled on the day as there is 3 crematoriums in the city they live in and two are equidistant to where they live so they had discussed using either. She was so embarrassed! It gave us all a laugh to be honest.

@Earlydarkdays the hysteria in that situation would have got to me. For some reason at funerals, anything can set me off laughing hysterically, it's such a strange response I have.

@MozartsMothballs you don't need to have a wake, do whatever is best for you.

Thanks for the messages, my mother in law passed away beginning of the week. Funerals been arranged now. My dh is being so strong. The kids are a mess which I'm finding quite upsetting. They weren't as close to my mum where as mil was amazing with them all. Childcare when we worked, had them overnight regularly from when they were babies, went for Xmas always seen them on bdays, mothers day etc so it's a big loss for them. Just taking it one day at a time.

@JenniferBooth I hope it went well for you today 🙏

Hello It went better than i expected. I managed to read the eulogy In the end i just wrote bullet points, improvised and it all came out naturally.

That's great, sounds like that is the best way to do it. Sounds like you did your Dad proud!

Sorry to butt in to your post, hope the funeral goes/ has gone well. I wanted to comment re the wake and people treating it like a party because that’s exactly how I felt at my dads wake! It’s just not computable for some people until they go through it themselves?
You are not alone and of course it’s not rude. Hope you are doing okay, big hugs. Xx

Thanks @Piccadillyprincess. The funeral is tomorrow.

My lovely ex-stepsister is coming along (we lost touch for years after our parents split up) and it will be the first time we've seen each other in person for a couple of decades.

My brother's selfishness has struck again. He has Covid but has said that although he will try and keep his distance he definitely won't be wearing a mask because it makes his glasses steam up. I've had to call and text people to warn them.

My DM (73) died today, terminal cancer only diagnosed in September. She was such a wonderful Mum. I'm so sad and will miss her so much. Especially that she won't see her teen GC fully grown as she absolutely adored them and was always the only hands on GP. There is no other family member that will fulfil that role of unconditional love for my children left by her passing. My DF has had ongoing medical issues for years and we always thought he'd be the first to leave us. I'm worried about him coping and how I will cope without her.

Oh @YoniHuman that has happened so fast. Im so sorry

@YoniHuman I'm so sorry for your loss. It's such a shock. It feels like part of you has gone with them doesn't it 💚💔

Ive just listened to a Christmas album on youtube that my dad had on vinyl and always used to play when i was a kid. Jim Reeves The Twelve Songs of Christmas. First time ive heard it for about forty years. Was very emotional listening to it again.

@YoniHuman, I’m so sorry for the loss of your DMum. I know the feeling of the sorrow for your children on losing their adored grandparent and it is truly heartbreaking. Sending you all love as you navigate the coming days.

@MozartsMothballs how did the funeral go yesterday? I hope it went well.

@JenniferBooth I love listening to music as a reminder of Mum, it is so sad I agree but I also find it very comforting too.

@YoniHuman sorry for the loss of your DM. My DM was also a great nanny to my kids, they are adults now so they did get a lot of fun with her. I’m a week on from my DM’s passing. I feel stuck and I’m dreading the coming days when I will have to organise things, close accounts, make decisions… it will make it too real. Sending strength and love to everyone.

@YoniHuman so sorry for the loss of your mum, and especially that it happened so quickly.

@KylieKangaroo The funeral was lovely thank you. Afterwards we went out for a quiet meal (just with DP, the DDs and my stepsister). I haven't seen my stepsister in person for around 20 years and it was lovely to reconnect. It would have made my mum happy.

Now I can concentrate on sorting out mum's park home with help from the solicitor.

I first posted here in May when my mum died after a 2 week illness. @YoniHuman your post resonated so much with me even 7 months on.

I feel so sad for my children that they no longer have her in their lives, but also so grateful thyat they did. It's hard that the things I am most gratfeul for are also the things that make her loss so painful. The price we pay for love I guess?

7 months on I am finding ways to get on with and enjoy life. I know in those first weeks and months of overwhelming pain and shock, it's hard to imagne you'll ever be happy again. But you do find yourself being happy I promise, it's just that alongside that I feel like I now a carry a hidden sadness as well whihc will never go away. It's hard to explain how you can be both, both happy enjoying life whilst always carrying the sadness, but I'm learning it's true.

I've been dreading Christmas whihc was such a big thing for us and was always something me and my mum did together orgainsing it and making it beatiful for everyone else. I've decided though to try to make it a great Christmas still for everyone and really throw myself at it. I feel like I have a duty to mum and my children to do what she brought me up to do, and this is making it easier and even helipng me look forward to things.

I know Christmas for you will be horribly raw, but by next Christmas you'll still be missing her but may be more able to be sad and find times to happy as well.

@NormaJoan I'm 7 mnths on and every day the shock still hits me: mum died.

Sometimes I find myslf saying it to people: 'my mum died in May' and I sound so calm and adult and inside I'm sceaming 'My mum died, how can this be true??!!!'

I guess it's something we knew would happen one day but whihc we cannot comprehend.

Over the months the searing pain does dull and you begin to feel in more control and can at least act like you're OK a lot of the time, and you do find you can be happy at times again, but I know the shock you are dsecribing. Take care xx.

I am so sorry for everybody grieving.

My lovely dad was cremated on Friday. He was 92 and I am in my sixties so we had all those years together. It is still so, so painful though.

He spent over 6 weeks in hospital following a couple of falls. I did not question why he could not be discharged before he became so weak and prone to infection, trusting that the medical team were doing the right thing. I so regret that - just accepting things. I did not advocate properly for him and the guilt and sadness is overwhelming. He walked into the hospital for an x-ray and now he's gone. I feel like I could cry forever.

I still have my lovely mum who is coping so well - they were married over 70 years. I am now terrified that I won't be able to advocate properly for her in the future either .

@EmileFord , I totally relate to how you are feeling and the timeline with your DF. We also cremated my mum last week, she was admitted after falling and was medically fit, four weeks later she died of sepsis and kidney failure. It hits so hard knowing I will never see her again. Sending condolences your way.

Anjo2011 I am so sorry about your mum.

I so wish I had just kept on and on earlier to anyone I spoke to at the hospital about discharging my dad.

Last Saturday night two days after the funeral i got a taxi home from my mums The driver i originally booked didnt show (we really need Uber round here) so i frantically ran around and found one. The taxi driver who picked me up from my parents house asked me "whats happened to the man at 1 Bloggs Road (not real address) I knew he meant my dad so told him that he had died and then the driver told me he had picked my dad up from the GP surgery and taken him to A&E Driver said Dad was obviously ill but lucid Dad was chatting about how he used to be a taxi driver. I cant help wondering how long my dad had to sit on a plastic chair for. My dad was admitted to hospital back in September then died three weeks after discharge. Also found out at the wake that DM asked for help and was told he wasnt sick enough. On Sat 5th October the night before he died i was at their house and he was sleeping in a hunched over position with his feet on the floor. He said his back hurt. I was going to call Adult Social Care on the Monday. He died in the early hours of Sunday morning.