For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (November 2023)

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/4493231-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-March-2022?page=39&reply=130357515

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

I bet. 😢💐The betrayal would be unforgivable for me.

@MozartsMothballs they originally told us we might have to wait at least 3 weeks for a funeral slot. In the end they managed to 'fit us in' as they put it, but it was very early in the morning - relatives from a distance away couldn’t attend but we felt we didn’t have any option but to accept otherwise we’d have been faced with a terrible extended wait.

I do have to say that the team at the actual service couldn’t be faulted. But the person I had to deal with in the branch was just so dreadful. I started to get palpitations every time my phone rang and I could see it was her again.

It all sounds so stressful I'm sorry you have all had such hard experiences with funeral planning on top of everything else.

My Mum is having a direct cremation but it's been almost 6 weeks and she is only just being cremated this week. I'll be glad when we can spread her ashes as I feel a bit in limbo at the moment.

Eight weeks between my dads death and the funeral although he did have to go to the coroner as he died in an accident at home

@Brillig That’s dreadful.😢. Did you complain? I’m already compiling my Trustpilot review in my head.

@KylieKangaroo I feel for you the limbo is horrible isn’t it.

@JenniferBooth what a horrible amount of time to wait. Mum went to the coroner too. They were very efficient in mum’s case it’s just Co-op that are being utterly useless.

@MozartsMothballs I did complain. I went to head office. They were pretty useless and I got a badly-written reply from what sounded like a very young person with inadequate people skills saying 'sorry about that. We're offering you a £50 voucher, up to you whether you want it or not.' A voucher……as if I was trying to get money out of them, for crying out loud.

I said I didn’t want it, what I would have preferred was for them to express what seemed like a genuine apology and also to say they’d reflect on it so nobody else would have to go through the same experience at a uniquely vulnerable and grief-stricken time. Sadly it appears from your experience (and possibly that of @JenniferBooth?) that they didn’t.

It was my DM who picked 28 Nov for the funeral. Sorry i should have made that clear.

But im still appalled at others experience.

Hello, I’m a first time poster to this thread, it’s nice to read everyone’s experiences on here. I’m dreading Christmas, after the very sudden death of a parent last year.

I’m from Australia, and was in England when they collapsed and died suddenly (only in their 50’s) and the guilt is dreadful, I’d say this has destroyed my life. Not only that but the physical symptoms of grief- constant pounding headaches, digestive issues, nightmares etc.

Hugs to everyone going through this xx

Sorry you're going through such a tough time @Piccadillyprincess it's such a hard thing to go through.

The bank has released the funds now, and I've paid for the funeral. So at least we can put mum to rest now.

When did/will you go back to work following the loss of your DP?

It’s now 3 weeks since I lost DF, I was signed off sick for 4 weeks before he died as he was in ICU from then and I couldn’t cope with work. I’m still off now, the funeral was this week. In terms of day to day functioning (dealing with the admin for DM, doing the school run for my primary aged DCs etc) I feel like am managing ok but I work in an environment that requires you to be fully on at all times and has no option to escape for a quiet moment to regroup if required so I’m a bit dubious about whether I am being stupid thinking about going back soon. I’m an only child and DM has limited support around her, so that is weighing heavily on my mind but I do need to get back at some point.

@Earlydarkdaysit's a really personal decision, don't feel pressure to follow what others have done, just do what's right for you.
I had a few days off straight after mum died, then back to work, and a couple of days for the funeral a few weeks later.
I moved in to my parents' house to care for mum for 6 weeks between her diagnosis and when she died, and continued to work remotely during that time, my manager/employer was very supportive and I worked flexibly around caring for mum and supporting dad.
Maybe it was too soon for me to go back to work, but I WFH permanently so it felt easier to manage as I could be in my own safe space rather than an office. I also wanted to save some leave for later in the year in case I needed it once the dust had settled.

I went back to work straight away but I work from home so it's a bit easier. I hope everyone is doing ok. Each week marks another week since Mums passing and I still can't believe how life just moves on, even though I know it has to.

A year to the month since I lost my mum and my mother in laws in her final days and the sitting round a hospital bed watching her every breath has began. I honestly can't believe its happening again so close to Xmas, I really feel for my children losing both their grans so close and having it overshadowed by grief two years in a row.

She's struggled for so long now and wanted to be pain free but it isn't like my mum who hospice had sedated. She's distressed and in pain and hospital won't fully sedate her. Its horrible to watch, I don't understand their thinking.

I know its selfish but after two years of non stop worry, stress and our lives being absolutely hectic between caring for our children and our mums. I'm praying next year we get a bit of an easier time as we both turn 40, can't believe both of us will have no mum there for it.

I'm sorry for your loss, go back when you are ready to, not before. I was off for two months prior to my mums passing, as I cared for her. She passed away and the funeral was three weeks later on a Wednesday and I went back to work the Monday after. I was ready to after being off so long and wanted some normality back after being off so long, but I'd had so much anticipatory grief, bereavement counselling prior to her passing and there was no partner left behind for me to care for. You need to do whatever is best for you and your situation, your journey is your own, take care.

Edit to say sorry quoted wrong person.

@Capmagturk so sorry to hear about your mum and now your mum Iaw, it must just feels never-ending. It's not selfish at all to feel the weight of it and to want a break, some respite from the constant to thinking and worrying - I hope that comes soon for you.
We lost mum in late June and in September went on a trip with our DSs, which we'd had to cancel when she was ill; it was the best thing we did, there were times when I didn't even think of the hideousness of the previous couple of months, and it was just what we needed to break the cycle of grief for a bit.
Naturally, I then felt guilty when I realised I hadn't thought of mum for a few hours, but it was very much needed. Take care of yourself, wishing you all peace.

@Capmagturk Sorry you're going through this again so soon after losing your mum. God knows why the hospital isn't doing more to help her. That must be awful for you and her. 💐

@Earlydarkdays It's such a personal thing, and you need to do what's right for you. I also work mainly from home so I just took the week off that we're allowed. My manager is amazing though and regularly checks in on me to make sure I'm coping okay.

So after telling the Co-op that my mother wasn't religious, we've got a C of E celebrant coming to the house tonight to take details for the service. I didn't even have the energy to protest.😟I also had to re-sign one of the forms I signed previously when we went into the Co-op. They are so disorganised.

How is everyone doing? Hope all the funeral planning is going well for anyone that is in the thick of it x

Hi @KylieKangaroo Hope you are doing ok Dads funeral is this Thursday so only one more day to go. I have bowel issues so am dreading having an accident during the funeral, burial or wake.

Oh bless you I hope it goes well and you manage to make it through without any accidents.. I hope the sun shines for your wonderful Dad on Thursday 💚

Thankyou @KylieKangaroo Thats very kind of you How are you doing?

How are you all? If you have the funeral coming up, I hope it goes as well as these things can.

The funeral was last week here. It was a bit chaotic as the minister went to the wrong crematorium and only realised 5 mins before the last; it takes 30 mins to drive from one to the other! A friend started the service for us instead and did a brilliant job, so actually it was lovely. My DF would have laughed.

I’m still of work. We have all come down with some bug or other which isn’t a surprise with the time of year and young kids. I need to speak to work about going back but will do so when we are all feeling a bit more human.

Hello everyone, may I join please ? My mum died yesterday morning. I’m obviously in very early days and it wasn’t unexpected, so why am I so shocked /angry/disbelieving? I do have support, though am an only child of a single mother, I have a DH and adult DCs. But there was always a mum and me against the world vibe due to our set up when I was growing up. I’ve kept her close all my life and she helped me enormously with my DCs when they were young. I’m devastated, but I am finding this thread a comfort. Love to everyone who is going through this awful time.

@MozartsMothballs how is the funeral planning going? Sorry to hear about the minister being sent when you had told them your DM wasn’t religious. I really hope they found someone else for you.

@NormaJoan I’m very sorry for the loss of your DM. I think the anger/disbelief and every other emotion is to be expected but is hard to get our heads around as rationally, it’s not how we’d usually think but I am beginning to realise that no matter how much we expect it, we can never really prepare for one of our DP’s dying. Thinking of you as you navigate the coming days.