For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (November 2023)

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/4493231-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-March-2022?page=39&reply=130357515

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

@Owls912 I know what you mean about seeing them again. The thought that there may be no chance of ever seeing them again is too much to bear isn't it. I guess that's why people have religion but it's hard to fathom everything.

@EveningSunlight I like the idea of having something and snuggling and watching films. I think it's anything you can to feel close to them isn't it. I might watch an awful Christmas film as my Mum loved them.

We have taken my mum on holiday. It had been planned six months before my DF sudden death. I don’t have religious beliefs but at dinner tonight the guitarist played 2 songs we had at his funeral. Just randomly, not requested by us and we are in a destination the other side of the world. Kind of comforting to think these things aren’t random and he was telling us it was Ok to move forward and acknowledge all the difficult emotions

That's amazing! How lovely for you guys and hope it bought some comfort to you all 🩷

@ipredictariot5 that's really lovely, so nice to hear.
We went for Sunday lunch yesterday to celebrate DS1 and SIL's birthdays. We'd usually be a table of 8, but this time it was 7. We did have a really nice meal and catch up, but oof, it really smacked me in the face that mum isn't here. Same happened when I went into M&S recently, which was one of our happy places for an occasional potter, a shop and a coffee.
Mum was an amazing seamstress and used to run up curtains, blinds, clothes, you name it. We've decorated recently and she'd usually be crafting some beautiful Roman blinds to finish off the room. It's the things like that which really hurt.

Feeling so overwhelmed with admin today. Had a nightmare at the bank on Saturday as - despite having a tonne of other ID with me - they wouldn't take an expired passport as ID. Yet the UK gvt accepts them as ID for a general election. I was panicking about paying for the funeral. Thankfully, despite branch staff being a bit useless their telephone bereavement service has hopefully resolved this as I can't afford the £3.9k funeral fees myself.

I saw on BBC Breakfast today a segment about issues with 'Tell Us Once' which is panicking me as well. I did this service at the weekend.

My brother - who has said he wants no part in sorting this out - has questioned my suggestion of using a house clearance service (as it's a 'waste of money') but in the same conversation said he was unable to help us clear or clean the house with a skip or trips to the tip.

I've been back at work a week, after 5 days compassionate leave, but I feel like I'm drowning.

My manager has been amazing though, regularly checking in and making sure I'm not overloaded at the moment (she really is a Godsend).

Sorry for the ramble/rant.

When this is over, I'm pre-paying funeral, getting over 50s life cover and am sorting out my will. My DM told me she'd sorted everything out, but she hadn't. She even gave me the business card of the solicitor she had made her will with. It didn't exist. They had records of other transactions - conveyancing, divorce etc - but no will. I realised that there was probably no will when I later found an unopened DIY will kit in a drawer.

Similarly with the funeral, she said she had a plan, she didn't.

I've never felt so stressed out in my entire life.

I feel like I can't grieve properly because I feel so stressed the whole time.

So sorry to hear this, @MozartsMothballs. It’s the very last thing you want or need in the midst of grief. Sending a virtual hug.

My DM died 4 years ago now and I rarely post here any more but I still lurk on the thread a bit because you’re never 'over' losing a beloved parent. FWIW I used 'Tell Us Once' and it worked perfectly with no issues.

Re a pre-paid funeral plan, however…both DF and DM had taken these out many years before (and had wills). I still had a nightmare with DM's funeral plan because the family firm they’d chosen had been taken over by the Co-op who were - I'm sorry to say - just awful. First of all they couldn’t find the policy at all, eventually leading me to have to do the legwork and ring the company direct (they found the details in seconds) and after many other incidents they ended by contacting me the day before the funeral suddenly saying I might have to pay for the whole thing upfront, for unexplained reasons. It was horrendously upsetting and stressful at the worst time, and the complaint I made afterwards was handled so insensitively and badly. So really this is just to say that, should you buy a plan yourself - and I think they can be a good idea - it's sensible to choose very carefully as so much can happen over potentially years between taking them out and needing to activate them.

Again, I’m so sorry for all the added stress you’re going through. Are there any trusted friends who could support you at the moment?

I'm sorry for all of your heartaches. My Dsis ran true to form and put her DD (only child) at the centre of this particular universe.
I'm surprised and slightly worried about how little I've cried. I'm usually the embarrassing person who cries at the drop of a hat, but I feel mostly numb. I can't believe I won't see her again in this lifetime (I'm not religious anymore but I am spiritual and believe our souls are eternal)
Sorry for the ramble. This evening I keep thinking about this time last week when I sat overnight with her, she died last Tuesday afternoon

So many of us all in the same situation, sending best wishes to you all. My DM passed away this weekend after four weeks in hospital. She was admitted after a fall and apart from this she was medically fit. She developed an infection and they couldn’t get on top of it, it got worse and worse until it was too much. I’m in shock that it all
happened so quickly and my DF is left behind aged 90. Trying to get my head around never seeing her again is torture.

Sending love to everyone ❤️💫
my brother is executor and my dad knew he was dying so everything has been really straightforward doesn’t make it any easier been two months now and I feel worse 💔

I want to talk to him and i cant

My nerves are shot to sh*t. The funeral directors said last week that it would be possible to get the funeral sorted without paying half up front, they could just send an invoice for the full fee to be paid within 30 days afterwards. They phoned today, to go back on this. Mum is still at the hospital and they won't take her into their care until half the funeral is paid for.

The bank will release the funds for the funeral once they get a funeral director's invoice. The funeral director won't create an invoice until they create a date for the funeral. They won't create a date for the funeral until they take charge of her.

Death admin should really feature in one of Dante's Circles of Hell.

@MozartsMothballs that's absolutely shocking, so sorry the funeral directors are being so unreasonable. At a time when you're in the depths of grief and confusion, it's the last thing you need. I hope you get sorted soon.
We were 'fortunate' when mum died, as our neighbour growing up is a funeral director, and he stepped in without question, even though we haven't seen him for years, took charge, managed the whole thing and was the epitome of a caring professional.

@MozartsMothballs thats bloody Kafkesque

@MozartsMothballs I'm so sorry you’re continuing to have such anguish over this - the behaviour of these people is unacceptable. I know it’s yet another thing, but is it a large firm who may be regulated by a code of practice, so you can put in a complaint at a higher level?

This needs to be escalated quickly. It cannot be right for them to do this.

@MozartsMothballs Where are you geographically and what support do you have? Many of us have no knowledge or experience of this stuff... why on earyj would we?
After the event you understand the nuts and bolts of it all.

@eggplant16 I'm in the south east. I have my amazing DP, he's been absolutely fantastic with emotional support but he's never had to deal with this before either.

Because of what the funeral director said last week, I saw no rush in closing mum's account (which has more than enough to cover the entire cost of the funeral). I thought I could just take the invoice for the whole thing in to the bank and they'd pay it.

So now I've had to close mum's account to get the money for the funeral. Even that was difficult as my passport is slightly out of date. It will take up to 10 days to transfer the money across, then I can pay for the funeral and mum can be released into their care.

@Brillig - ahh Co-Op. Why doesn't that surprise me. So sorry you had a horrible experience with them too.

Can you hand the whole thing over to a professional? I wish I had done so.

I looked after mine, then got shafted by my sibling.

Unbelievable

I'm getting a professional to deal with the estate.

Sorry you got shafted by your sibling @eggplant16 , especially after sorting everything out yourself.

I’m glad you’re getting professional help, @MozartsMothballs. Anything you can do to make it easier is a good idea.

I sympathise deeply if it is indeed the Co-op you dealing with. I’d never have anything to do with them again. As the final insult they failed to collect my dear mum's ashes from the crematorium despite this being part of their service. I had to ring the crematorium to ask if they were there and they sounded absolutely shocked that we'd been let down like that. We ended up going to collect them - we didn’t want the Co-op to have any further contact with us at all by then.

It's devastating. And will be for the rest of my life.

Christ what a performance
Dads funeral director is the co op

@Brillig Yes - unfortunately it is the Co-op we're dealing with. I stupidly thought that going with a nation-wide provider of funeral care would be a good move.

The level of ineptitude is breath-taking and heart-breaking. My mum's been in a hospital morgue since 2 November.

Literally, why phone and say they could go ahead with the funeral and send an invoice to be paid in 30 days and then go back on that 🙄

It can take up to 10 days for the bank to transfer mum's funds to me and until then we can't do anything.

At this rate it could be December until we can put mum to rest.

I made the mistake of checking Trustpilot after I'd booked them. I hope all goes well for you @JenniferBooth 💐

Sorry for the loss of your dad @JenniferBooth, you're so right (upthread) the grief does come in waves. My middle DD got an amazing school report yesterday. In 'old money' every assessment was GCSE A* to B. I was so pleased and proud and thought, I must tell mum she'll be so pleased...