For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (November 2023)

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/4493231-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-March-2022?page=39&reply=130357515

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

They are going to try to get me a MOAT (moving on from trauma) group session online. I’m not sure about that. But I’ve said yes to everything offered. I scored high for PTSD.

They only told me after the assessment the waiting list was so long. The advisor was incredibly apologetic and said I needed urgent help, she said she’d do what she can.

Im still on the waiting list for CRUSE.

I just can’t afford the £60 per hour for private counselling.

Chances are the waiting list will move faster than that. They often do.

Usually group sessions for people on waiting lists are psychoeducation focused - so it'd likely be more about doing some preparatory work ahead of therapy to understand how trauma works, how it affects you, and to start developing self care strategies.

The goal is to tide you over with some coping techniques while you wait and also ensure you can make the best use of your 1-1 sessions once you get them.

Especially for trauma and online it's rare that those kinds of group sessions would involve people talking about their personal experiences or you being asked to share anything, because it's too high risk for making attendees' trauma worse etc.

It’s coming up (December) to the first anniversary of my Dad’s passing and I can already feel myself getting anxious about it.

The actual date is December 27th and is the Friday after Christmas. At work we have been asked to say which days we would like to be off work. We get 25th and 26th off anyway so most people (about 85%) of the team have requested the 27th off work.

im worried that they are not going to be able to accommodate everyone’s request and that I’ll be rostered to work that day. I don’t feel I’ll be in any fit state emotionally to work. How do people cope with working on the anniversaries and important dates relating to their loved ones ?

As it's the first anniversary, @QueenBean22, could you mention to your manager/HR that's the reason for your request? 💙

@QueenBean22 that's a tough one, it seems like it's out of your control whether you'll have to work or not. Are there things you can put in place to help if you will need to work? I don't know what job you do, but you can let others know you won't be at your best that day and to treat you kindly, put any tasks that can wait aside for another day, make the most of your lunch break, delegate things as much as you can? Failing that, you are allowed to call in sick even if you're on the rota to work x

If you feel able to do so, it would be completely reasonable for you to speak to your manager or HR and explain and ask if they can ensure you're not rostered that day.

This is a common scenario that Acas uses as an example of how to support employees after a bereavement.

https://www.acas.org.uk/time-off-for-bereavement/supporting-an-employee-after-a-death

Thank you so much

Hi everyone and hugs to need them.

Today would have been my mums 66th birthday. The first since we lost her in December.

Ive been absolutely fine for months but these last few weeks have been hard as I’ve finally finished my midwifery degree, qualified and started work this week as a newly qualified midwife and she isnt around to see it.

So feeling sad, tearful and miss her terribly today 😞

I am so sorry for your loss. It's tough isn't it? We bob along doing okay and then suddenly something can derail us. I lost my Mum suddenly 3 years ago, she was 70. It has taken a lot of time for me to get to a point where I no longer think of her and all I feel is utter sadness and despair but I still have moments where I miss her so much my heart literally aches.

Those things that have happened that they have missed and you know they would love to have been around for are really difficult. My eldest daughter moved to Ireland, got a job and a house with her boyfriend and my youngest has just gone off to Uni, all things my Mum would just have loved to have seen.

Be kind to yourself on days like today. Try and do something for yourself that makes you feel a little better. A long walk, a hot bath, coffee with a friend, anything that you feel may lift your spirits a little.

Sending hugs xx

Oh no wonder. That's a big set of milestones to deal with together.

You're doing her proud. Be kind to yourself, just do what you need to do to get through this. 💐

Can I join the thread? My mum passed away in January, quite suddenly. By the time we travelled back from being away on holiday she was already unconscious so I never got to see her awake. What followed was traumatic and my horrible father made everything 10 times worse. I was distressed by the whole thing, including the funeral.

I have not cried at all or been able to process my mum's death. It's too upsetting, I just block it out and try not to think about it. This isn't normal or healthy is it? Should I be seeking counselling?

@clarrylove welcome to the thread. I lost my mum in the summer and dip in and out of this thread.

I’m not an expert but I think grief hits everyone differently. You not having a chance to say goodbye properly to your mum will be affecting you I’m sure. You could always reach out and try talking to someone.

My friend is a trained counselor as doesn’t mind me talking to her on our long dog walks. It does help a little (I also had some wider family issues) but the pain of losing my mum is still acute and seems to be getting worse atm.

Good luck and keep posting and reading here. I find that does help a little to know you’re not alone.

Hi everyone, can I join? My dad died last night, it's all very raw or numb, I'm not even sure which. I've spent the last 5 days at his bedside watching him suffer and be desperate to die. Including on my birthday - I'm starting to feel some gratitude I spent it with him, but it was definitely the most shit birthday I've ever had. I miss him so much already and I have to deal with my mum now, she's quite impatient and stressy at the best of times, my dad mellowed her out. Compared to some of you, I had him around for a long time, he was 84. I am grateful for that, but I don't know how I'll come to terms with watching him die like that.
I'm really sorry you find yourself here, it's really hard.

@clarrylove that sounds incredibly traumatic, if you can find a counsellor you click with then I'd say professional help could be really supportive. I honestly think it's about the relationship with the professional rather than the type of therapy. Having said that, I've had EMDR and I would really recommend it for trauma. If you haven't cried yet (I know everyone grieves differently but still...) then you might be carrying trauma and stress, it's worth exploring something different to what you're doing now.

I am so sorry about the death of your Dad. You have been through a traumatic experience and you need to give yourself time to process what has happened and come to terms with it.

My Mum died, suddenly, 3 years ago and I was unable to get there to say goodbye as it happened so quickly and without warning. My Brother and I had to push our own grief aside to help our Dad try to process the loss of his wife and deal with all his emotions and his awful grief where, at his lowest point, he wanted to give up. It has been the worst 3 years of my life and I needed therapy to come to terms with what had happened and the massive change in dynamic it brought to our family as Mum was literally the glue that held us together. I had to deal with my own guilt for not being there when she died.

I sympathise with you having to deal with the remaining parent, its so incredibly hard but don't do what I did and push aside your own grief by trying to be strong for everyone else. It caused me to crash and burn but my therapist helped me through it and helped me deal with the trauma and guilt and thankfully I have come out the other side. I am finally now able to think of my Mum and feel immense gratitude for the fact she was my Mum and for everything she brought to mine and my daughters lives. But it has taken time to get here and for the sadness to turn into that gratitude. I can now think of her without feeling such immense sadness and trauma and I now think of her and smile, rather than cry.

Losing a parent sucks big time and you will never ever stop missing them but I promise you that it will feel better, even though right now you probably don't believe that.

Sending you hugs xx

Most people naturally heal from trauma in the months that follow. It's totally inappropriate to be suggesting therapy and EMDR 24 hours later - no competent therapist is going to initiate trauma therapy at this point. It would be irresponsible and potentially damaging.

@clarrylove I am very sorry for your loss. There is good advice from RC Psych here about coping after a traumatic event: https://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mental-health/mental-illnesses-and-mental-health-problems/coping-after-a-traumatic-event

Actually it's my dad that died exactly 18 hours ago, clarryloves mum died 10 months ago. I'll be leaving this thread now as it's been exceptionally unsupportive and contributed to my own trauma

Steady on, don't close the door on this.

@quarrelmerchant, you may want to ask MM to delete your post, as you had misunderstood and your response to @Eyelashesoffire does come across as rather harsh. She herself has only just lost her dad.

I'm sorry @Eyelashesoffire. It generally is a supportive thread. I'm so sorry for your loss. It must be incredibly raw 💙

Would it be ok to join you? I lost my lovely Mum very suddenly earlier this year. I'm really struggling though I'm fortunate to have found a lovely counsellor who I've been seeing since June. She has helped me such a lot but us sadly retiring next month. I can't face starting all over again with someone new but I'm already dreading Christmas & don't know how I'm going to face it alone.

Welcome @Selfdestructmodeactivated. a warm hug from me. I’m sorry to hear about your mum. I lost my mum in December x

Its hard when you lose your trusted help ie the counsellor, another loss.

Re Dreading Christmas, I train myself not to think those thoughts. Sometimes more successful than others.

Julia Samuels is a good writer and there is an App called Grief works.

Thank you for the welcome. To be fair to the counsellor she did tell me she would be retiring before we started but I was so desperate for help at the time I accepted knowing it wouldn't be long term. Thank you also for the reading & app suggestions I will have a look at those. My Mum died on Friday so Fridays are always difficult because I relive every moment. I hope with time this will get easier.

My dad died last Sunday He had prostate cancer but died after a fall on the stairs. I was round there last Saturday night. And he was sleeping a lot in a leaning over position , barely eating. He was in hospital two and a half weeks before he died. I cant believe hes gone

I'm so sorry, @JenniferBooth. There's shock mixed in with the grief. It's hard. 💙💙