For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (November 2023)

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/4493231-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-March-2022?page=39&reply=130357515

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

You weren't naive @eggplant16 you were trusting, you thought these people would give the care you'd provide. Sadly, no matter how good a carer is they're never going to feel the way you do, it's not their family, it's their job.

Thanks for that, really I was. When Mum was near the end it was the lowest paid who were the kindest. The rest of the staff very much towed the party line.
There wasn't a shred of humanity shown to me, after a 3 hour journey and in some distress.

Me too. They made it 20 times more stressful and my poor dad died in unnecessary pain. I thought the hospice would be our savior but they were so bad it was dangerous. Two days after dad died we had a letter asking for a donation.

Dad died in Jan, on my birthday. Feeling raw this evening after a shit day of life crap. Just come out of my office sorting probate admin. Talking about Dad and his stuff in such a matter of fact, business like way is so hard. I try and detatch myself, but it's hard.

Mum called to tell me this today....We have a little girl that lives over the road from mum. She is sweet and very chatty. They moved in after Mum and Dad. My Mum said she came over today asking if my Mum had any children she could play with. Mum explained we were adults with adult children. She said 'that's a shame there used to be someone here I used to play with in the front garden. He was fun and he was my friend but he died'. Mum was a little weirded out. Then realised she was talking about my Dad. Dad could be a bit gruff with little kids but she broke him down and they used to chat together in the garage all the time apparently. Mum thought it was funny. It was a funny image knowing my Dad. It did make me cry. It's just quite bittersweet.

That's lovely @Dogstar78, sounds like a sweet little kid that you dad was friends with.

It's my kids first day back to school after summer today. I did the doorstep photo of them looking all smart ready for their new class and now I'm a mess because my dad is the first person I would send that to.

I'm sorry @Dogstar78 losing your Dad on your birthday is awful

@AlboRH ah, I know it's those small little exchanges that seem to hit the hardest. My son is the youngest grandchild by roughly 20 years! So my Dad won't see the man he'll grow into. He was old enough to always remember his granddad though and what he would have said about things.

Just wanted to pop on as today is 4 years since I lost my lovely mum. She died suddenly and unexpectedly and it was a colossal, monumental loss that's changed absolutely everything.

I've experienced every negative emotion and felt grief so profoundly I wasn't sure I'd ever make it out with my heart and sanity in tact.

Yet here I am. Still living and laughing and still able to see wonder in the world.

This time 4 years ago, I was sitting with my mum's body (as she died at home and there were several hours before the coroners were able to come for her) It was a beautiful, bright autumnal afternoon, me and my 3 siblings and dad got time to sit with mum and spend precious time in a kind of suspended animation. We talked to her, we held her, we stroked her hair and we even managed some laughter. When I said my final goodbye I promised her I'd carry forward all the amazing things she'd brought into our lives - her love, her loyalty, her strength of character, her sense of humour, her honesty, her humility, her kindness, her compassion, her generosity.

The first year was a blur of pain, sadness and bleakness. But it did get easier. I was able to smile, to see beauty in the world and I was able to start to honour my mum by channelling her attributes. Everyday I feel her loss but everyday I see something beautiful in the world too.

I saw the quote I've attached 4 days after my mum died and its become a kind of mantra. I have it printed and hanging in my living room.

My most overriding thought these days is "I try everyday to be like you and everytime I see something beautiful, I think of you". I am now able to think about the woman and mother she was and the life she lived as opposed to ruminating on the pain and loss.

The last thing I said to my mum, that day 4 years ago, before her body taken was "Thank you mum for giving me the most wonderful life"

She really did give us all a wonderful life ❤️

You have done your Mum proud, @Crunchymum 🩷

crunchymum I am genuinely pleased you have come to some sort of peace and acceptance ( hope I'm not putting word in your mouth)

Its hard when the relationship was rocky and difficult. Double loss. What could have been.
Kind thoughts to all in grief.

Thank you both.

And yes acceptance and peace are both very apt ways to describe things.

I'll never be at peace with how it happened but I am definitely at peace with it being "just how things are". There is no denial, no bargaining with imaginary powers for another day with her, no wishing I could be where she is to see her one last time. It's just how things are and I'm at peace with that part of it all.

I didn't get here overnight though. Its been a long, arduous and non linear journey. And it's been emotionally very painful and draining. At times it's taken me away (mentally if not physically) from my children and my partner and even my maternal family. We all shared the loss but we all coped in different ways.

I am in a place now that when I think of my mum, I think of her life and not her death (if that makes sense!!). In the early days, her death overshadowed the 40 years of life I'd shared with her. Now her dying is not the automatic focus of my brain.... although of course I always end up back at the fact there is a gaping hole in my life. But I don't 'start' there when I think of her.

I posted on this thread 4 months ago when I lost my mum. I'm still popping by occasionally to read the comments, other people's stories help me to feel less alone.

I thought I was doing ok. I was being strong and practical focusing on supporting my dad. I was finding things that helped e.g exercise seeing friends etc.
But in the past month I've become aware that I expected grief to be overwhelming pain, which it was in the beginning, but now it's become almost a lack of emotion. I don't look forward to things, I can't enjoy things as I used to, I have no enthusiasm or energy. I no longer feel like myself. I'm going through the motions of life.
It's scary. It's like everything has changed, my previous life has gone and I will never be happy and optimistic in the way I was before.

I didn't expect it to feel like this.

You're definitely not alone @AgapanthusWealthy I feel like this a lot of the time, especially with work, I really just don't care or find that any of it matters to me. I've wondered if I'm slipping into depression or if it's grief. Or if a new job would help!
I thought grief would be more like an initial strong pain and then would lessen as time went on, but it's not been like that.
Everything has changed, it's true. Our world has shifted and I don't like it. My son had scored a great goal at his football match this morning, and after feeling happy for him I have been overwhelmed with sadness that my dad wasn't there to see it and I can't tell him about it.
I'd love to be able to reply with something more positive for you but I'm not there yet.

I think the first 2-3 years are a gradual processing of the change in your life and what it means for you. All the little moments where it hits you that your parent would have been there in some way and now they're not. Lots of moments of sudden shooting pain.

But each time you have one of those moments it releases some more of the pain and allows you to build your life around the grief. Eventually you'll find a way to feel you're still carrying your relationship with your parent and those moments become bittersweet rather than painful.

I'm many years on from losing my mum but whilst I still feel sadness at what she's missing, I can also feel comfort and joy from picturing how she would have reacted to happy events in my life. It no longer feels like my heart is being put through an industrial shredder. It didn't happen overnight but you will get there too in time.

Gradually things shift. The biggest change for me was in understanding that grieving didn't mean leaving my mum behind but finding ways to keep a connection to her and carry her through my life in a different way.

Death isn't talked about enough in British culture. There is a misconception that grief is just a short burst of severe pain that then completely goes away (and that you forget about the person and "finish" grieving), which can leave people feeling unprepared and unsupported for the reality that it's more of a slow burning pain and gradual rebalancing of your life.

It was one of the most lonely and isolating experiences of my life to lose my mum whilst surrounded by people who'd never experienced losing a parent and therefore subscribed to the belief that all it meant for me was that I'd be sad for a few weeks and then move on. (As if!)

Marie Curie and Sue Ryder bereavement support services have helped me. Sometimes it just helps to know the different ways grief can affect people and how you might cope.

What you're feeling is normal but I promise you won't always feel this awful.

In the Victorian era the mourning period when you lost a parent was a year.

The expectation that you should be fine and dandy after the funeral/your five days of compassionate leave is a modern phenomenon.

I'm sure there were downsides to formal mourning periods and rituals, but I can also see how they would help to process grief without social pressure to be jolly or people forgetting you're recently bereaved.

I didn't expect it to feel like this
Absolutely

I lost my Dad very suddenly and unexpectedly a few months ago. I don’t think I’m coping very well at all. People do expect you to be ok and carry on. It hurts so much. I don’t feel I can lean on friends, they don’t have a clue how I’m feeling.
DH is fed up with me. He is not talking to me because I’m crying and I feel so alone.
I have tried to get some bereavement support from Cruise, but apparently they are busy and haven’t got back to me. I literally don’t know where to turn.

It's so hard @DobbyTheHouseElk

My DH has been great but I know I'm putting a damper on everything. We've been on holiday and I just really didn't want to be there and couldn't enjoy it. I feel like I'm not playing my usual role of keeping everyone upbeat, planning things and being enthusiastic.
It feels like a loss of the person I was as well as a loss of my mum.

@AgapanthusWealthy It is hard. I don’t know why we feel we have to pretend all is ok when it isn’t.

I'm so sorry.

Cruse services often seem to be overwhelmed. Have you tried Sue Ryder or Marie Curie? They have different options.

For example, Sue Ryder offer video counselling:

https://www.sueryder.org/grief-support/online-bereavement-support/online-bereavement-counselling/

And Marie Curie have a telephone bereavement service for up to 6 calls with a trained volunteer to talk (not counselling though):

https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/help/support/bereavement

Marie Curie also have a support line: https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/help/support/marie-curie-support-line

Sue Ryder also have a grief text messaging service which is more one-way advice personalised to you (eg around anniversaries):

https://sueryder.grief.coach/

You can also talk to Samaritans any time. It's for anyone in distress not just people feeling suicidal: 116 123
Or you can email them jo@samaritans
.org

If you're employed you might be able to access counselling through an Employee Assistance Programme.

@quarrelmerchant thank you so much. That’s really kind of you.

I didn’t know Samaritans were also for people in distress.

I spoke to a lovely lady on the Cruse helpline today, she was really kind. She’s signposted me to Mind locally although as yet they haven’t got back to me.

I will look into Sue Ryder.

Unfortunately I have a lot of trauma surrounding the circumstances of the death. I really think I need to talk to someone professional. So I’ll definitely keep trying those links.

@DobbyTheHouseElk You're very welcome.

I'm glad you were able to speak to someone kind when you called Cruse. You deserve kindness. Mind can be good, I didn't think of them. Hopefully they'll make contact with you soon.

If you're in England, you can also self refer for talking therapy through the NHS (button link towards bottom of the page): https://www.nhs.uk/service-search/mental-health/find-an-NHS-talking-therapies-service/

And RCPsych also have a leaflet about coping after a traumatic event in case that helps while you're waiting for any referrals from Mind or elsewhere to come through: https://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mental-health/mental-illnesses-and-mental-health-problems/coping-after-a-traumatic-event

Be kind to yourself too if you can. It does have a little bit of a soothing effect when you're kind to yourself. 💐

I had my assessment for talking therapy today. I’ve been told the waiting list is over a year!
Unfortunately private therapy is £60 an hour and I can’t afford that. So not sure what to do.
Cruse may get back to me, I don’t know.
Impossible to get a GP appointment and I don’t know if that would help.

I will battle on!

It feels like a loss of the person I was as well as a loss of my mum

Absolutley.

I came upon Marie Curie in desperation and it helps just to know there are kind people you can contact.

Did you say you'd join the waiting list @DobbyTheHouseElk ? It might be worth the wait, and could end up being quicker, you never know.
I have found a "grief café" that runs near me once a month, run by a funeral care company, and a counsellor who does free group sessions on zoom periodically, so you might be able to find some support you can access while you wait, it's just not easy to find. I've yet to psych myself up to attend anything as I know I'll find it hard.