For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (November 2023)

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/4493231-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-March-2022?page=39&reply=130357515

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

I'm so sorry for everyone's losses. I lost my mum in November at 65 after a very short battle with cancer which we were told on diagnosis she was terminal and there was nothing they could do. I took sick leave and cared for her till she passed away. She showed the most amazing courage and strength.

I've been coping alright all things considered but now my mother in law of 23 years who I absolutely adore and has treated me like her daughter since I came in to her life at 15, is in hospital and wev been told there's nothing more they can do now for her. Its completely triggered me and I'm devastated for my children, husband and father in law. I just can't believe myself and my husband are going to lose our mums so close together, it seems so cruel. The consultant couldn't give a timeline other than it could be quick if she gets another infection or she could soldier on a bit longer.

It's the not knowing that felt the worst to me with my mum, every day I'd wake up, or night I'd lie in bed wondering if this was the day or night they'd pass away like you're living life in limbo and so it begins again.

@Capmagturk god that is just totally brutal I'm so sorry

@Capmagturk

I am so very sorry. How terribly sad to lose another important woman in your life, so close to losing your mum.

I am incredibly close to my MIL and I know I'll be totally broken when that sad day comes (I'm hoping we're many years off of course). It upsets me to even contemplate it.

I hope you and your DH are able to support each other and take comfort that you've had such special women in your lives.

Sending heartfelt condolences to everyone on this thread, old and new.

As someone one told me "it doesn't get easier as such but you kind of learn to manage the pain"

Losing a parent changes your whole existence so take solace and comfort wherever you can ✨️ ❤️

My mom died very suddenly 2 weeks ago tomorrow. One minute me and my husband were taking her out for lunch, the next minute she asked to pull the car over as she said she couldn't breathe. We called an ambulance but 15 minutes later she collapsed in my arms and then 2 minutes later paramedics turned up and said she was in cardiac arrest. They spent 35 minutes trying to revive her and managed eventually to get a pulse but she had suffered massive brain and organ damage and she died a few hours later.

She was elderly and had health problems but nothing terminal. I'm pretty resilient and have family and friends who have all been amazing. But I can't get out of my head how traumatic it must have been for her. I cant believe I can't just ring her up and tell her things and tell her i love her. Or give her a hug. I was telling her she would be OK and she wasn't. And I can't get that out of head either.

I'm so sad she's gone. She loved life and people and she will be missed by so many.

Oh gosh @Splcam

I am so sorry to hear this.

I lost my mum very suddenly (she collapsed and went into cardiac arrest at home, my sibling and dad were were with her)

It's very, very early days and you'll still be very traumatised by the event itself as well as being utterly bereft with grief.

I hope in time to come you are able to take solace in the fact you were with your mum and you were taking her to do something lovely. My sibling is hugely comforted by the fact she was with my mum. My mum never came back and she was declared dead at home, and we are relieved that it was relatively quick for her.

Have you considered counselling? Cruise are always highly recommended.

Keep yourself well.

Thanks for posting this reply - I really appreciate your sentiments and I'm sorry you and your family have been through something similar. Thanks also for the thread 🤗

My dad died a week ago. Suddenly at home. We all made it thankfully before the paramedics called it. They were amazing, they tried for 45 to get him back.

It’s like a club isn’t it. You never understand what it’s like until it happens.

I wish I’d seen him more. I wish I’d taken more photos. I wish I’d told him I loved him. I’m not sure how to live with it x

Oh bless you @Piscesmumma1978

Your words scream out to me. I feel exactly the same about my mum. I wish I'd spent more time with her. I wish I'd had more time with her. I told her that morning I loved her (as I did every time we spoke / messaged). The suddenness, the finality, the totality of losing her never goes away.

I do now find huge comfort and solace in the fact she was at home and with family (I didn't make it in time but dad and sibling were with her). We got to spend several hours with her at home as well before the undertakers came.

All I can offer is that you never lose the love, you never lose the memories and you never lose the connection.

I send you lots of love and strength for the days and weeks ahead. Keep going, take any support offered and do whatever brings you comfort xxx

@Crunchymum Thank you so much. It’s awful isn’t it. I’m taking comfort that he didn’t suffer, wouldn’t have known and was at home.

I’m dreading after the funeral. When there’s nothing to plan and do. I think that’s going to be hard xx

My father died on Thursday.
He was only diagnosed 6 weeks ago.
It feels very surreal

I'm so sorry. Yes, my Dad died 3 weeks after diagnosis. The speed is so shocking. It's really hard. I'm a year on and it still feels weird. Especially when I've visited my Mum. He should be there. Someone said it's like when you tease a dog by suddenly hiding it's toy. That 'where did they go?' utter incomprehension.

I saw my dad today. I’m so glad I did, it looked more like him then the last time (cpr and shocks being given to try to get him back).

The funeral directors were fantastic and it felt very relaxed.

The funeral is next week and then we really begin a different life. It’s just so sad isn’t it x

Hello all. Just found this thread though I've not read it all. Sending love and thoughts to you all.

My dad died very suddenly on Good Friday and the funeral is next week. There had to be a postmortem so we have been waiting a long time and I am looking forward to giving him a proper send off.

I am the older sister and my mum has mild dementia and I am feeling the weight of responsibility on my shoulders!

Piscesmumma, everything you said really struck a chord with me. It is really sad.

I’m sad today that my mum (passed suddenly two months ago) won’t be watching Gavin and Stacey Christmas special with us. It’s breaking my heart. Last time we were so excited for it. Lost without her.

That does sound hard, @Groveparker01. I'm sorry. I hope it goes as smoothly as possible

Hello, I hope it is ok to post here; I am not a mum but this seems like a supportive thread. I'm 28 and lost my precious dad in April 2023 to cancer. I was very much a Daddy's girl, I was very close to my Dad and I miss him terribly. I've been doing ok, and I am proud of myself for keeping busy and trying to make the most of all the opportunities and activities around me, and for trying to focus on my career and exercise in the past year. Several of my friends are getting married this year. I am nowhere near that point (I am chronically single), however I find in the run up to these weddings that I'm very angry and sad at the thought that, in the unlikely event that I ever marry, that I won't have my Dad there. I am also worried that on the day of these weddings I will be upset or won't enjoy them. I'm almost resentful of my friends for having their Dads healthy and well for their special day. I have been crying a lot recently over my Dad, and alternating between feeling fine and then having bad griefy days. I'm not sure is it because of these upcoming weddings or because the first anniversary has passed. Can anyone relate to this? I think this grief is to be expected? Any advice or tips would be of great help, many thanks

I’m really sorry for your loss. What day is the funeral? I found the day before very hard. And the days after.

We gave my dad a great send off. There were so many people there, he’d have loved it!

I have my dark moments now but I keep planning things to keep busy. I’m currently attempting to sew a memory bear. It’s a test one before I use dad’s clothes. It’s not the best and has made me laugh!!

i think after the funeral it really sink’s in but you find a new way xx

I’m really sorry you lost your dad as well. I never married but my sister did and dad walked her down the aisle.

You can have a photo in your bouquet or sew some fabric into your dress. There are lots of ways he can still be you xxx

ps it doesn’t matter that you’re not a mum. Mumsnet is great for anyone x

Hi, I lost my mum 3 years ago after a long cancer fight. Her and my stepdad had been together for 35+ years and he’s been my only dad all that time.
Soon after he started ‘dating’. I really don’t begrudge him being happy, but I’m struggling with the way he’s thrown himself into his new ‘family’. He’s got a history of seemingly buying friendships - he’s always happy to splash the cash so his friends can keep up/ join in. Meals out/ theatre/ short breaks.
He moved in with his girlfriend within a year of meeting. Prior to this he admitted to me that he didn’t understand how he’d got through so much money in such a short space of time. Since then, her house has had a new kitchen and bathroom and I’ve lost count of the holidays they’ve had. Some of these with her children and grandchildren.
Despite telling me he’ll visit soon, he puts it off each month.

Life has changed a lot and I feel I’ve lost both parents. Just really struggling today.

I’m coming here as my dad died suddenly a month ago . One minute he was texting me it all went quiet I thought his phone was playing up then we found him dead on his couch . Had an awful scenario where we had to wait ages on police as it was a ‘sudden ‘ death and then the police left my dad lying on floor not his couch I asked them to move him to his bedroom with the help of my family members who had came but the whole thing won’t stop playing in my mind .
my dad was young for 71 he had plans he had just ordered groceries I can’t cope without him him and my mother weren’t together so it was always dad and me from the age of 7 .
i am currently signed off work with grief reaction and I really can’t face going back anytime soon I cry at the drop of a hat nothing distracts me and my job requires a level of care and focus which quite honestly I don’t have for anything at the moment . I was sad and not in a good place before my dad died and now I just feel empty .

@Owls912 I’m so sorry for your loss of your lovely Dad and the circumstances you describe. I hope today has been ok. I lost my Dad recently too, it really is just awful. I promise the playing in your mind does pass but if you need help please speak to someone like Cruse.

have you heard of the podcast Griefcast? I find it really helpful. Sending you much love and letting you know you are not alone.

My darling mum passed away 3 weeks ago and it’s just getting harder every day. I miss her so much and can’t believe I’ll never see her or hug her again.

She went into hospital in relatively good health and I’ve no idea how she deteriorated so quickly. I know I need to ask questions but I don’t even know where to start. The hospital didn’t tell me how unwell she was (or they didn’t know) and then suddenly it was too late to have a proper conversation with her. I just hope she knew how much I loved her.

I’m really struggling with the reality of life without her. I saw her every day and I can’t believe she won’t see my children grow up. She absolutely adored them and they her.

i just can’t believe she’s gone and this is my new normal. I keep thinking things will get better if I just get through each day. But then I realise I have to get through every day without her and it just feels so relentless.

Hi all,
I'm undecided whether reading other people's losses are a source of comfort or not. I hate the thought of others being in pain from grief but equally it's reassuring knowing I'm not alone.

My darling Dad passed away four weeks on Thursday. The man I have loved all my life is gone.

We've had the funeral and I'm still dealing with lots of admin. My mother is unable to deal with anything so it all falls on me. Part of me enjoys being useful but another part of me resents the fact it's all such a mess and I'm still trying to grieve.

@Dinoswearunderpants you are not alone. However every grief journey is unique.

I completely understand. 7weeks since my mum passed away very suddenly. 3 weeks since the funeral.
For 5 weeks I did nothing but organise funeral, deal with coroner, banks, solicitors, life insurance, etc etc etc.

A week after the funeral I felt "ok", like great I could go back to work tommorow right (busy teaching job). We went to pick up mums ashes from the funeral home, comforted dad.
When I got home the grief hit me like a bullet train. I couldn't move off the sofa for two hours, felt numb.

It's got harder some days, but I fully expected it would hit me after the funeral as the shock wore off and I believe I am now in the early stages of true grief.
I have been walking alot, giving myself time to think.
I felt angry today, felt as though I'd taken huge steps back, but the small steps forwards will take time.
It's never going to "go away" maybe just more bearable?

I have listened to some of the Grief cast podcasts (usually not a podcast listener) and they have helped hugely!!

Best wishes