For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (November 2023)

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/4493231-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-March-2022?page=39&reply=130357515

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

I downloaded the Griefcast book and found it although tearful very helpful in the middle of the night last night . Just so much to relate to .

Is it normal to cry every day after over a year?

2 and a bit months into this hell now. I do have some moments of joy. It’s the worst when I’m not busy but I read a book called the inbetween - author is Hadley something. Hospice nurse.

If you believe or wonder if there’s an afterlife this brought me so much comfort in the middle of the night. I read it every night for a month. The same stories but it made me feel better and that the final might not be so final. (Not trying to push views on anyone but if you do believe or not sure💕).

Could I join please?
My mum died last week after a short illness. I'm in shock.

I felt for the first week that I was doing well, supporting dad, being philosophical, grateful, etc but I've now crashed.
I'm exhausted, I've got shingles and I'm like a child wanting others to console me.
I want my mum.

I'm helping dad arrange the funeral but I really just want to hide in my bed.
I've been staying with my dad so he doesn't have to be alone but I really just want to go home and be alone but I can't.

I'm so frightened I'll not cope and will never feel happiness again. That all the joy has now ended.

Thank you for the book recommendation @Thby2023 I've ordered it, I'm looking for things that will help xx

@AgapanthusWealthy big hugs.
I lost my mum suddenly 8 weeks ago and still in shock. Still can't believe she is gone.

It will get better in the next few weeks, keep resting, completely look after yourself and your dad.
We spent a lot of time with my dad when It first happened but after a while we all wanted some "alone" time which is incredibly important.

The week my mum died, I described it as a colour was gone from my life, the sky, just everything. You lose a massive part of yourself.

I found joy in simple things such as going for a walk and listening to birds, looking at flowers. Think it helped me recover just doing simple things.

Grief cast by Cariad Lloyd has helped me.

X

Thank you @Sidders21 and I'm sorry to hear about your loss too.
It really helps to hear from others going through it too, which I didn't expect.

It's both a personal tragedy and a universal experience.

I did go home and spend some time alone in my own bed for a few hours which I think I needed.

I know what you mean about the colour being gone or losing a part of yourself. And that is so frightening. How do you live when you no longer feel whole?

@WhereDoBrokenHeartsGo your post resonated so much with my experience.
I hope for both us it gets easier.

I have to presume it will as so many people do appear to live happy lives after grief, but it's hard to imagine right now.

@AgapanthusWealthy I was so angry and hurt the first few days, still struggle to understand how life and grief can be incredibly cruel. But it happens.

The first two weeks I just wailed at home on the sofa, (not all the time!) it helped. You can't be in a constant state of grief, you will feel other small joys in the coming weeks, but I won't lie, the waves of grief will always be there.
I promise you will get used to it but nothing will ever replace the person you have lost.

My dad and I went out for a coffee on Monday, something we would have done together with mum. Most of the time I had a lump in my throat, but we enjoyed a coffee together and talked about what mum would have liked looking at in the garden centre.
I can't speak for everyone, but it has made me consider what is truly important in life (cheesy I know), and what really matters.

Do you have siblings, friends or other people for support? Some people won't know what to say, or will say the "wrong" thing, but you will find people who you lean on.

It will get a little easier x

I've spent today doing housework in my own house.
My heart has ached the whole time as my home is full of memories of my mum.

My heart aches because those memories are of times when my children were small and she helped me raise them. I feel like the good time of my life has gone and all that is left is lonliness.

But then I feel guilty as I know I should be grateful that I had my mum to help me, and that my children had a wonderful grnadmother, and there are women here who lost their mothers much younger, and who are having to raise their children without them.

I'm trying to find gratitude for everything I've had with her, but instead I just feel pain that it's all gone.

My house is empty. My children have gone, my mum's not here, my busy full life with my home as the centre is over.

Then I feel so self absorbed and privileged: like I should never have to suffer and my life should always have continued to be good.

I don't know if this amkes any sense to anyone?

@Sidders21 I knw what you mean: I am spending some nice moments with my dad, but they are doing things we'd never have previoulsy done just the two of us, so everything feels lost without mum.

My beloved Daddy is dying of cancer. He’s 79. He had a major op and was ok but now it’s back, it’s in his liver and lungs and he’s terminal.
He’s at home with my mum but he’s weak, terrifyingly thin, sleeps a lot and is on increasing opiates for pain.
I posted on a life limiting illness thread but wasn’t welcome.
Can I check in here with my anticipatory grief?
Anything you wish you had done and didn’t get chance?
He’s under GP, district nurses, goldline and Sue Ryder. He has a DNACPR and an advance care plan. He has a will, power of attorneys (me and my Mum) and has done his IHT plans.
We have discussed his funeral and where he will be laid to rest. (Ashes with headstone 5 minutes walk from our house).
I have videoed him reading Winnie the Pooh for when I need to hear his voice. I have photos and memories. He wrote me a beautiful anniversary card saying how beautiful I looked on my wedding day which I will treasure forever. (Also treasuring my DH of 18 years my rock). I have asked him to write to my DS12 also.

I don’t want him to go.

@HalfasleepChrisintheMorning I'm so sorry. My username was from my anticipatory grief stage. Mine was not long. Less than 3 weeks from diagnosis.

I'm glad you have had a little time to do those precious things you mention. Just tell him you love him.

I wish I could have brought my Dad home. He was too ill to move. Hospital was awful. I'm glad you have that comfort. You sound like you've done amazing job so far.

@HalfasleepChrisintheMorning I'm so sorry about your dad. I'm a few weeks ahead of you; my dad was as you describe yours now in late April and died on the 1st of May.

I think the anticipatory grief can be helpful in a way as it makes you think about things you'd like to do or say now. In terms of things to do before, I think the main thing is to say everything you want to say and help your dad to be as comfortable as he can be. If there are small things you can do to brighten up the moments that he's awake - playing favourite songs or showing him family photos - that can help. That way, whenever the end comes you know all has been said and done.

Prepare for the grief to get worse after the funeral as it starts to sink in and think about what might help you after that. While there is all the planning to do you are still distracted in the same way you are while caring for your loved one. I booked a holiday and it's been the best thing I could have done. I miss my dad so, so much but sunnier climes has helped somewhat.

Thanks both.
We have cancelled a holiday in July because I can’t leave him ( or my mum ) at this time. Some sunshine will be high on the list of priorities once it’s over. I don’t really want to do Christmas without him so thinking a holiday instead, but only if my mum will come too (I’m an only child). I feel guilty for thinking like that though.
My Dad has travelled the world, he’s been to 55 countries. He isn’t one for missing out on opportunities and would want the same for us.

Hi, new to this thread, feeling every emotion as my beloved mum reaches her final days. She was diagnosed with a brain tumour two weeks ago, out of the blue, and terminal diagnosis was last Tuesday. It's very aggressive and we had no inkling other than a vision with her eyesight that the opthalmologist said was she related.
We brought her home and I moved in with my amazing Dad to help care for mum. She took a turn on Thursday morning and things have rapidly changed since then.
Amazing family around and district/hospice nursing teams are helping us navigate. It's been a steep learning curve helping take care of mum but I am just so glad to be able to take pressure off Dad and be here for mum like she's been there for me for the past 49 years.
Things are calmer after a rough couple of days where we didn't know which was was up and yesterday we celebrated mum's birthday as she was determined for us to do, even on Wed just gone she was making plans for her birthday and for the weeks ahead, to make the most of time.
A nurse yesterday said the house was full of the most amazing feeling of love and that's comforting. We had cake and fizz, cobbled a buffet together, sang happy birthday and sat in the sunshine.

I’m so sorry you find yourself here @Gherkingreen
It sounds as though you gave your lovely mum a wonderful birthday.
It’s just so hard isn’t it?
My Dad wants to die in our local hospice rather than at home, but we’re not there yet so he’s at home. I live 5 minutes walk away but I will start sleeping there at some point. I know I’ll need a leave of absence from work also but at the moment the distraction is helping (I work 2 days a week).

I recommend the book “With the end in mind” by Kathryn Mannix.

@Gherkingreen I'm so sad you're going through this. Well done for making your mum's birthday special. I'm glad she's able to be at home.

How is everyone on the thread doing? My mum died on the 7th May and it feels like my grief is intensifying and the pain of it is getting worse, which I didn't think was possible.

I can't even remember if I've already posted on this thread or not. I feel all over the place.

I've just been to see my stepdad and collect some photos and other things of my mum's.

How long did you take off work when your parent died? And how long was it before you felt ok about socialising with friends again?

I can't imagine talking to or meeting up with a good friend, you know the type who asks how you really are, because I feel like I'll fall apart if I do that.

What a shock to cope with @Gherkingreen . You'll be glad of the chance you've had to celebrate her birthday with her with her though.

We thought my mum was going to recover until she took a sudden downturn and was then sedated and died 24hrs later. I feel so sad we didn't have any time to say goodbye or I love you, or prepare.
We never talked about her dying at all. It feels like we missed a stage whihc would have been difficult but whihc maybe have made it a little easier now?

@EveningSunlight I'm so up and down. I went away this weekend to see my son for his birthday, and suprised myself by enjoying my evening with him. But I woke up the next morning with a dread as the grief returned and I had to go back to reality.

I am trying to see some frinds this week, and forcing myself to try to do some social things that I really don't feel like doing.
I try to remind myself that I have to find a way to live, and that I'll need to find joy in living as there is no point living with just sadness. But then it hits me in a wave: I just look at the garden, or a bag she bought me, or a cup she loved and I'm swept away in grief again.

I feel like I'm in a battle with myself to philosophise my way out of grief but it's not effective for long.

I have the funeral next week and someone told me it's worse aftre the funeral as reality of living without her will really hit.
I'm very scared.

@AgapanthusWealthy we were in a similar situation with my mum - she went into hospital unwell but then she improved and was quite well for a day and a half and we all thought she'd be coming home. Then she became unwell again but we were told it was just delirium and that she would come out of it in a few days. I became frantic as she looked gradually less and less well and my mum even said at one point 'I feel like I'm dying' but the drs told us she was only suffering delirium, so we didn't expect her to die. Then suddenly one morning she was unconscious and we were told she was dying. Like you, we didn't have time to say the things we wanted to say. I feel so sad that I was there in the hospital with her but didn't say things I wish now that I'd said.

My son also had a birthday recently, he's coming home this week with his new girlfriend to celebrate it, and I'm hoping I can enjoy that.

I echo all that you write in your post, reminding myself I need to find joy in life, but then being overwhelmed with grief, trying to think my way out of the grief, then realising it doesn't work like that.

I hope the funeral is bearable for you. We're having a celebration event later in June and I wish it was sooner.

My mum was having a post-mortem to find out the cause of her death, we've just heard today that we won't know any more for another 6-8 weeks.

I've literally just seen this thread and I am so grateful so thank you everyone.
I lost my dad eight years ago, my mum very recently both to life limiting illnesses (not cancer).

A piece of music has just come on a tv show randomly - Rita Coolidge We're All Alone - she was one of my dad's favourites.

Normally I would have have text or called my mum to tell her how much it had affected me hearing that after so many years. But the words in it - we're all alone - resonate in a different way today.

God, I miss them so much. I am blessed to have such wonderful parents who I was very close to but it makes the pain even harder. 💔💔

@AgapanthusWealthy and @EveningSunlight I had a similar experience that although I knew my mum was going to die, it was very very sudden in the end and a lot of my emotions and my siblings are shock.

I can only say that we had to wait a month for the funeral and the day after the funeral was the worst day. I have felt so far. I hope it's not cruel telling you this but just to prepare you it might hit you the same. It was not like that for my dad I felt a weight had been lifted.

It is 4 weeks today since the funeral and I feel worse than ever . I have had eight weeks off work so far and have no intentions of going back any day soon thankfully they have been very understanding.

Sending so much much love I've never gone through anything this difficult and my life has been far from easy .

@missingmyparents so sorry that you had a similar experience. Much love back to you. This is so tough, like you, I've never experienced anything this difficult.

I'm carrying on at work but am not much use to them, thankfully I work remotely and can keep my camera off and cry between (and sometimes during) meetings.

I'm dreading the funeral for many reasons, too complex and probably outing to go into here. Some difficult family dynamics.

I hope the grief sits easier with you soon, same for all on this thread.