For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (November 2023)

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/4493231-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-March-2022?page=39&reply=130357515

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

I lost my Dad in January, on my birthday. He died from cancer at home, but alone as it was the middle of the night. Noone was expecting it. The hospice told us we'd have a lot longer to go. No idea why we believed the hospice nurse she only came once. I missed him by hours as I was going to see him on my birthday.

I miss him so much it physically hurts. We were so close. He wasn't very demonstrative with his love. However, on Christmas day I got on the bed with him and he hugged me for ages. It hurts so much when I think of this memory.

Am lying in bed crying and came across this post. I can't seem to make any space and time for myself. Just a constant treadmill of jobs, work, sorting stuff out. Partner just seems to leave me to it. If I say I am sad it feels like a real inconvenience. Everyone says make time for yourself, but when?

@Dogstar78 ..I don't know. My df has just been told he has weeks left.
I'm having to hold it together for whole family.
I seem to be default strong person...it feels selfish to want to fall apart or look after me.
Your post resonates with me...no solutions just sympathy

In 27 and lost my mum to a spontaneous brain bleed a month ago. I’ve been so caught up in trying to pull the money for her funeral, sorting her affairs (no estate) and taken in my sister with a learning disability whom my mum was carer of. I’ve been so busy with it all and doing well and now the funeral is over, it just seems to have hit me tonight.

I just feel guilt that I hadn’t seen her for over a year (although I don’t drive, she lived over an hour away and I’m a single mum and nurse) and just broken that I’ll never see her again. I missed a lot of calls off her in the last few months whilst I was sleeping from nights etc and kept meaning to ring her back. I was right by her side whilst she took her last breath, and I was there day and night but I just hurt so much and keep thinking could I have done more to be there with her. I didn’t know how bad her financial situation was in the last year and how unwell she’d become with an unrelated bowel and bladder condition and I feel like the guilt of what if is eating me up. I know losing your mum at any age is horrific, but it feels so unfair and feels like in your 20s is so young to lose her, she’ll never see me get married or get into a healthy relationship and she doted on my son who was only 7 when she died 💔

@Mercury2702 That is a huge amount to process and you are so young. Of course, it hurts at any age but at 27 it feels so unfair.

You've taken on so much. Have you got any support?

@Mercury2702 That is a huge amount to process and you are so young. Of course, it hurts at any age but at 27 it feels so unfair.

You've taken on so much. Have you got any support?

I don’t have much tbh. My mum had a brother but he was abusive when she was alive and has made the whole process hard. To the extent that I wasn’t able to pay for my mums funeral myself and she wanted a burial and he kept saying things like ‘it you cremate your mum, there’ll be a lot of people unhappy with you’. Thankfully I didn’t but we had to have a small service in the funeral home rather than the church but it was still everything I could have wanted for her. She was 57 when she died last week and being a nurse, I always urged her to sort out funeral plans but of course she always said she wasn’t going anywhere yet but it was her high blood pressure that caused the brain bleed 😞

I live in a 2 bed coujcil house so my sister currently has my sons room because of her disability until we can sort something out and my 8 year old son is sleeping in my bed. Not ideal in the long term but my sister is 24 and I need to sort out becoming her appointee like my mum was, but my only comfort is that it’s what my mum would have wanted, us all together

my sister hasn’t had contact with our dad for 15 years unlike me so I’m the closest person she has. I’ve got her a social worker assigned but her disability benefits and her universal credit award has been temporarily suspended until they verify me as her new appointee with a home visit that they’re saying will take 6-8 weeks. I’ve just had a fight on with my mums bank as all my sisters money was getting paid into there so the way benefits see it is, was that money was still there but the bank was trying to keep it towards debt my mum had. Thankfully after arguing back and forth, that they were leaving a vulnerable adult without any money, they finally released it to me yesterday.

the whole situation has been horrendous because no one prepares you for dealing with affairs and planning your mums funerals in your twenties. I’ve had a lot of bad dreams because unlike a diagnosis of something terminal, once my mum had the brain bleed, she was fully unconscious on ICU in an induced coma, they tried to take her off sedation but she had seizures and they discovered the brain damage from the bleed was too severe and unlikely to be survivable. They said if they did keep her alive, she’d be in a locked in state for the rest of her life and neuro said she had over a 75% chance of dying within the next 30 days anyway so I made the decision to agree to withdraw treatment and we managed to transfer her to a hospice an hour away where I live with 4 lovely days making memories with her and the hospice were brilliant. I think a lot of what is tearing me up is that she was unconscious from it happening so couldn’t communicate with us, we could only tell her everything we wanted to say in the hope that she could still hear us. I’m a nurse and do end of life care with the elderly and I make them comfortable, but it’s a whole different ball game when you’re doing that for your own mum and 57 was no age. I know it’s grief but I see people older who aren’t very nice and think why is my lovely mum who would do anything for anyone, no longer with us

@Mercury2702 I'm so sorry. That's a huge amount on your shoulders. Look after yourself as much as you can. Reach out for support wherever you might find it like here or cruise bereavement.

I felt just the same about people my Dad's age when he died and he was 77. Neighbour who I don't like is older and I felt (wrongly I know) why are you here and my Dad isn't! Anger is a stage if grief.

Mercury2702 I am sorry to read what you're going through, really hard especially in your 20s.

That is a lot to do for your sister and banks can be difficult to deal with. When my Dad passed his bank made a heap of mistakes and caused me a lot of work.

I lost my Mum in December; fantastic nurses like you gave her end of life care

Please look after yourself 💐

Mercury2702 can the NHS support you with their employee support line and is it something you can do for yourself to take time off to rest and process?

@Theredjellybean 'default strong person' very good way of summarising it. Yes, it does feel selfish,especially when I ised to get upset around my dad. In general he never really saw me cry, but when he did it was always the time I really fwlt his love. Its not selfish btw, its normal human emotion bit I know what you mean.

Just being slightly along the process to you. I feel I was holding it together relatively until his death. My dad was relying on me to be there for mum. My sister is nice but totally useless at all practical stuff. Dad and I had these depressing 'death admin' sessions where he took me through where everything was before he got too sick.

I don't know if holding it all in as 'default strong person' has led to me unraveling now, who knows. I definitely had a lot of preemptive grief mainly sat in Tescos car park, eating a box of malteasers. They say be kind to yourself, but I feel life doesn't slow down enough for that.

I drive his car now but some days it is too much and I ha e to take the other car. I left his sunglasses and hat in there and I can't change the radio station. Sometimes I sit in the car and cry and wish he could still drive it. I think there is a theme here, I should stop sitting in cars, I might cry less.

@Mercury2702 I am so sorry you are going through what you are going through, losing your mum so suddenly and so young. I have no idea how you do your job. A friend of mine did the end of life care for her dad in Covid, she is a GP. She had a year off work afterwards. She wasn't even at the 'coal face' like you. You sound so amazingly strong and loving. Your mum clearly did an amazing job to shape you into the person you are now and she'll continue to do that.

@Dogstar78 .. thankyou for understanding.

Can I join you. My dad's funeral was yesterday and I can't cope. The pain is awful. I'm feeling horrible and don't know what to do.

Oh I'm so sorry @Butterflytoast123
Is there anything that might help...a walk, listening to your dad's favorite music, look at pictures and allow yourself to cry...just cry yourself to exhaustion.
It kinda helps me. Like allowing yourself to feel horrible.. acknowledge it...sit with it.

My mums is on Monday. I don’t even want to go it will be so painful. But you’re not alone x

My dad died on Friday night. He was ill, pulmonary fibrosis, and we knew it was weeks or months. But this was unexpected and sudden. His heart just suddenly failed. We were preparing for a slower decline, sleeping more etc. But he just collapsed and went.

I think I’m still in shock and also keep thinking it can’t be real. My 14 yo ds has been away for the weekend and I have to tell him this afternoon. He was very close to my dad, I’m dreading it.

@FoxRedPuppy hope you are as ok as you can be.

It's a year ago for me today. Weird day. Going to drive down to see my mum later.

@FoxRedPuppy this is exactly the situation I was in. I think people are thinking ' well you knew the outcome', but we were just got expecting it so soon.

My Dad opted for a direct cremation. We've had a lot of raised eyebrows. Knowing we can say our goodbyes the way we want to I found better and it is what he wanted. We didn't have the stress of trying to arrange a funeral while grieving. Not for everyone as we all have different beliefs and ways of celebrating life/ coping with death.

I'm struggling so much today. It's just awful. Why doesn't anyone tell you this is part of the package called life from the beginning. I'm off work this week but not seeing myself ever going back to normal.

Hi @Butterflytoast123 I’m not sure what’s happened but I lost my mum suddenly at 62 four weeks ago. I’m speaking to other people who are in the same boat as me. Feel free to message me. Sometimes having a community around you helps x

Please may I join?

I lost my lovely mum last week, and I’m not sure I’ll ever feel whole again. I have siblings and my dad, but since my mum became ill last year I have been the one to look after them all, and I’m just so tired and broken.

I did feel like I had some support from my partner, but after abut 4 days something seemed to shift and now I just feel like an annoyance. I didn’t feel up to cooking yesterday so they had to cook for themselves and they seemed so angry. I’ve had to ask for a hug as they just watch me cry, or scroll through their phone - I don’t know if it’s just grief making me insanely sensitive but my god, I feel so completely alone.

It was such a relief to find this thread, and I send you all a massive hug x x x

I'm so sorry for your losses.
I feel so guilty I wasn't there when he passed. Yes he was sick and old but he was discharged from the hospital as deemed stable. He survived so many things before no one thought he would die that night. I live far away and have a young child, couldn't be there and it consumes me

I know how you feel. My mother died a few years ago. I live hours away and had young kids at the time, I got into a taxi bit only got halfway to the hospital. In hindsight I regret not asking my sibling or father who were with her to put me on speakerphone. It just never occurred to me that I wouldn’t make it. I still regret not being there. My Dad died late last year, a RTA. He was a pedestrian. No family with him. I still struggle to think about the exact circumstances of his death.

I've come here to feel less alone in grief.

Mum passed away very suddenly in March 2024.
It was a complete shock for all of us and my poor dad was with her as it happened, and tried to help her. She was taken to A&E where they couldn't do anything for her.
The last few weeks have been a complete blur with organising coroner, funeral, etc etc.
It mainly been myself doing it all as Dad is in complete shock and sister "can't deal with any of it".
I'm so worried for my own mental health as I just can't even cry some days. Will it hit me after the funeral?
I feel like I'm keeping everyone else happy at the moment, questions, other people being sad. I have a 3 year old who is keeping me going and giving me something to get up for.

Feel exhausted but numb.
I work as a teacher and the thought of having to go back into a classroom and be the person "I was" before her death just compounds the pressure and stress I feel.

I have felt numb a lot, I have cried, but not every day. Sometimes it hits me in a wave and I sob for a while. Last week I had a few hours where I just wanted to speak to him and it seemed unbelievable that he just doesn't exist anymore.

I went back to work last week, but because I wanted to keep busy. My mum is doing well and sorting most stuff, with help from me and my sister. Take as much time off as you need