For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (November 2023)

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/4493231-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-March-2022?page=39&reply=130357515

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

@WristCandy thank you 🥰 And condolences and hugs to everyone going through this 💔

Hello everyone. Sad to read of your grief. My lovely mum died about a year and a half ago. I cared for her for quite some time beforehand though she was more independent and then she was diagnosed with a terminal illness and became bedbound. She was a wonderful woman. I miss her so much and I cannot cope. I don’t have any family left now either. She was my best friend and I am so lonely without her.

Hi everyone, I hope it’s ok to just pop on here. My Dad passed away suddenly and completely unexpectedly in September 2021. I still feels like six months ago when it’s just over two years ago. He was just 74 with so much life left. I just wanted to come on and say how sorry I am for all of you who have lost either your mum’s or your Dad’s. I have been reading posts from November and it is soul destroying to be in this position, so I am sending strength to everyone. This has been and is a wonderfully kind and supportive thread, which is why I still pop on and check in. @Crunchymum your words always lift me a little. How are you doing?
I got an email today from Moonpig reminding me that it will soon be my Dad’s Birthday and reminding me to order his birthday card. That’s coming up soon. I have found this last week very hard. As some people on here have said, there are better days and harder one’s. Like many on here, I have two children who I have to put a mask on for her face the world and a mum to support but it is so so hard when we lose our mum or our Dad. Like many of you, I was so close to my Dad and my children idolised him. This cuts me up so much. Some days are definitely harder than others.

I’m very sorry for all the loses, it’s just awful isn’t it? My lovely dad died on the 27th of December, completely unexpectedly, I was actually abroad for Christmas. I found a flight home the next day. I didn’t know this but he wanted a ‘no funeral’ cremation so he is actually cremated today, no one there. It feels so awful but obviously we have to do what he wanted. My mum and dad live about 100 miles away so I’ve been down supporting my mum a lot but have 4 children of my own to look after too and a husband who works abroad! We’ve muddled through but I feel as awful as I did when I got that phone call. I don’t really expect to feel better soon but wondered when the gut wrenching sadness fades a little bit? I have lovely friends but I can’t keep bothering them with my grief either. Has anyone had grief counselling and did it help? I think I feel guilty I wasn’t there. I did see him in the funeral home to tell him I loved him and kiss him but I just wish I’d had a chance to do that at the time.

So sorry @Janus - so truly sorry for your loss. Yes it is just awful, it’s gut wrenching and it will be so raw for you right now. I don’t know if you saw my post from yesterday, but I lost my Dad suddenly and unexpectedly just two days before my 40th birthday. This was two years ago, which I imagine might sound like it was long ago, but it wasn’t. It still feels unbelievable and life is so hard without him. Like you, I have children and a mum to support.
I didn’t have counselling but I do think I should have done. It’s still very early days for you, so you’ll still feel that rawness. I think that does fade but then you just feel numb for a long time. I felt shock when I first got that phonecall from my mum, I don’t live far away so I went straight round and I was with my Dad the following day holding his hand actually when he died in the hospital but the shock was something that has taken a long time for me to overcome. He was fit healthy and well. He had a very normal day and then suddenly one night, out of nowhere he had a heart attack. He made it through that night and we prayed all night (not religious in the slightest) But prayed he’d make it and he didn’t. I don’t think I’ll ever get over that, the shock of what happened I mean. I can’t help by saying anything about counselling but I do wish I had gone for that. I think I just felt like I had to be there for my kids and be a rock for my mum and that I didn’t have tine for it, I also sort of felt that by having counselling was sort of admitting that he had gone and although it might sound strange, I get through each day by pretending he’s still here. I probably am setting myself up for a big crash bang but I try to think he’s just somewhere else. It’s my way of coping. I think a counselling support group would have been good but I couldn’t find anything like that where I live. Take each day and week at a time, that’s all I can say.

Warmest wishes to you all. May I join? Lost my dear little mum very recently. I think I'm still in shock. I'm aware that the pain is coming but I can't face it yet. @Completelydefeated , I'm with you; she was my only family, too. I'm fortunate with a wonderful partner and friends but I'm alone now.

I posted further up the thread after my dad died NYD. Still feel like I'm treading through treacle much of the time, my sleep is still quite broken most nights. Perhaps I get the occasional glimmer of respite from the heaviness. Sending hugs to everyone. I have to get back to work, but part of me can't quite face it yet....

@LucyintheSky21 I’m so truly sorry for your loss of your lovely dad. It’s truly awful to get that call but I hope you take some small comfort you got there. I know exactly what you mean about being strong for everyone else and leaving yourself out. I do think I will seek some grief counselling sometime in the next few months as I’m terrible about burying things. I feel I too can imagine he’s still here. My dad too was fit and well, still going to the gym 3 times a week and so active. He always joked he was definitely going to reach 100’and stupidly I feel he was robbed. It’s so weird what can upset you and make you angry. That’s what I think I need help processing. I do believe it’s never too late too, I think counselling could help for you too if you can find the time?? If we were listening to a friend I’m sure that’s the advice we’d give.
@SunUpSunDown my sleep is dreadful too. One night I go to bed at 8 but wake at 12, other nights I go at 12 and then just wake up every hour. I imagine at some point it will settle. I don’t know about you but I can’t hold a thought in my brain so going back to work must be so daunting. I hope you have an understanding work place?
All of you are in my thoughts x

Hi @Janus thank you. I agree with you, I don’t think it’s too late for bereavement counselling and I do think I should look into it. I do have time, I just worry that it won’t help. I’ve never had any kind of counselling and it might sound silly or negative, but I just can’t imagine that talking to a stranger about how I feel about losing my Dad can possibly help. I’m sure there will be other posters who come on here and will say that they have had counselling and found it a big help. I am probably just being negative. I don’t have a clue how it works, do you ring Cruse and pay them for a session and see how it goes? I’m not sure. I wish there was a magical cure for grief or that we could just bring them back. It’s so hard. How is your mum coping?
I saw what you said about sleeping and u can honestly say my sleep has been all over the place since losing Dad. I find it so hard to switch off on a night and fall asleep, I think it’s all the thoughts going through your mind.

My mum died in the summer. I have a dh and ds but feel so alone now.😭

@ALonelyPerson I get it.

@ALonelyPerson - I understand too. So sorry for your loss. I’d love to say to you, and to all on here that it does get easier but for me it hasn’t yet. It’s as if time moves on, but you don’t. You just sort of stand still. But I hope you will find this thread and the lovely people on here supportive and a place you can offload.

@Janus The sleep impact just makes everything else even harder, doesn't it? And yes, I absolutely know what you mean about the brain fog. Mine has lifted a teeny amount, but I keep getting halfway through a sentence and forgetting what I was saying. My concentration power is massively reduced. I'm going to have to ease my way back into work slowly. I'm really lucky to work with a great bunch of amazing people for my main bit of work (I do split work roles). As soon as I put a message on our group WhatsApp, everyone literally jumped in offering to pick up different bits of my workload, so that I could drop everything.

I would also say please don't feel guilty about not being there (though I know a stranger saying it on the internet is likely to be of no help). I was at the hospital for five days before my dad died. One of my siblings and I had been in his room with him for ages that morning, but he died when we'd both popped out for a brief respite. It seemed as though he waited until it was just him and mum....

@LucyintheSky21 thank you for your honesty. It's frightening but important to hear, so that we know we're not going mad.
@SunUpSunDown I don't know if this helps, but our hospice nurse said that it's very, very common for people to go when their loved ones have just popped out - as if they want to protect them.

Sorry @SunUpSunDown , I have re-read your message and realise that you knew that already. You were reassuring @Janus.
Sorry; I'm clearly in the midst of the bereavement fog that you describe.

Thank you. This is so silly but my dad wanted to live forever! He wasn’t ill, we didn’t know he was going to go so I just so wished I’d had just a little time to hold his hand again. In reality I know this won’t make this bit now any easier so I don't know why I’m focussing on that so much. It’s so selfish to wish he had some kind of illness so I had that time. I think that’s why I may seek counselling to convince me that that’s not important in some way. I do know my very best friend lost her dad in a very similar way to you, he’d been in the hospital for about the same time and passed when everyone (for only a brief moment) went to get a hot drink. I think they are aware and giving their very last gift to you.
Another awful night of sleep so will be another brain fog day!
@LucyintheSky21 I think I will google grief counsellors in my area and go from there. I’d like to do it face to face, I couldn’t do this over a screen. I also want to check they are properly registered and trained as it’s such an important thing to get right. I’m not doing it next week or anything so I will have time to investigate I guess. I feel very much too like time is standing still, it’s almost like Groundhog Day where I get stuff done but the feelings are the same. How is your mum doing too?
@ALonelyPerson i totally understand, I think losing your parent has to be one of the worst things we all have to experience. They have been such a huge part of your life so of course you feel alone when they are not there. I’m so sorry.

@popularinthe80s so sorry for the loss of your mum. I call my mum little too, she’s only 4ft 10 now! You’re going through the hardest time now, I don’t feel any different 4 weeks on than I did back then, I don’t know when we will but those closest to us do understand x

@Janus , thank you. Love to you and your little mum. It must be awful for both of you.

At least my little mum and I knew that the end was coming, so we could say what needed to be said to each other. You didn't get that opportunity with your dad, which must be so hard.
Can you imagine what he would have said, and what you would have said? If that's an upsetting idea, please ignore it.
Love to everyone on this thread.

I went to see my dad in the funeral home to say how much I loved him, what a beautiful dad he was, so patient always, etc. took my time but I just wished he’d heard it but I hope he knew it all too. As a parent I know my children love me so I know he’d know it. Ah crikey it’s just so hard x

@janus, it really is. It feels like trying to breathe when you're encased in tarmac.

When you say that you know that your children love you - hold this knowledge tightly against your chest. You're absolutely right - you know that they love you - and he knows\knew that you love him. It's the kind of thing that you know in your bones.

No need at all to apologise! I get halfway through sentences at the moment and forget what I was saying.

Hi
i lost my mum on New Year’s Eve just gone, about 20mins before the new year started. It was a shock for me and my brothers as we thought she would be released from hospital. A few weeks before her passing she told us she was dying and felt her body shutting down but we dismissed it and tried to remain positive! She was telling the truth and now she has gone forever. I’m her only daughter and was so so close to her, I’m so lost and devastated, this has shaken me to the core as she waited for me to get to the hospital and I saw her take her last breath in front of my eyes! I’m traumatised that I witnessed that but find comfort that I was there. The Mother and daughter bond we had, I have no words. I’m dreading the funeral on 1 Feb…..

@Keekee72 I'm so terribly sorry for the loss of your mum. I am very close to mine so so I can imagine the pain. I lost my dad a few days before you lost your mum. The shock and heartache is overwhelming, I have no idea when this will ease. Do you to your brothers about it? I have a brother and we talk and cry but try not to in front of my mum so we are brave for her. Do you still have your dad? I wish I could offer more kind words but just wanted to let you know I understand x

Just wanted to jump on this morning to send hugs and virtual flowers to everyone on here. Hope today brings us all at least a moment of peace within the grief xx

@SunUpSunDown thank you for your understanding, and for your warm wishes for us all today.
@Keekee72 I so feel for you. I lost my mum very recently. I think it's beautiful that she waited until you arrived to go. She loved you so very much. It's so hard, isn't it. People tell me it won't always hurt this much and I have to hope that they are right .