For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (November 2023)

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/4493231-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-March-2022?page=39&reply=130357515

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

@Bookworm12345
im so sorry. Sending love

My lovely DF passed this morning. He had an inoperable brain tumour. I'm numb at the moment and think I haven't really fully took on board that he's gone. to all on here.

@Bookworm12345 and @yummyscummymummy01 I’m so sorry for the loss of your DFs. Both today. Sending love and hugs.

It’s normal to feel numb also. It’s so shocking and painful you can’t really process anything. I can’t remember the first few days after DM passed only a few weeks ago. I was numb. Now I am sad. Still in disbelief some of the time. I’m not sure I’ll ever get used to it.

@yummyscummymummy01 I am so sorry to hear that you lost your dear father yesterday morning too. Mine died suddenly at 9.30am.
It's become more surreal as the hours have gone by and I too just feel numb.

@JaffaCake24 thank you so much for your kind words and understanding. I am so sorry for your loss too. I don't think I fully understood being an adult until I got that call from my Mum this morning and I'm in my 40s with a family of my own.

Lots of love to you both xx

My dad passed away on Wednesday. Still can’t really believe I’m typing that. It doesn’t feel real. He was 68 and was such a shock. I am trying to think of positives that we had at least all had a lovely Christmas together and although it felt too soon I have friends whose parents have died younger so trying to be grateful for the time we had.
Yet then i am just hit my unbearable sadness. I have two young children which I thought would help with the distraction but everytime they smile at me I just feel sad that he will never see them again.

I am sorry for everyone else’s loss and that you’re all going through this. Love to everyone xxx

@Bookworm12345 and @JaffaCake24 I'm so, so sorry.

I have young children too whom I'm finding hard at the moment as I just don't seem to have the patience for them. The house is also a tip and all I want to do is hide in bed. I think the fact I'm busy will be a blessing in the long run but it feels overwhelming now.

I'm so sorry @starfishy it is okay to let yourself feel some of that sadness, it is sad 💐

@starfishy I'm so sorry, it's so hard xxxx

@starfishy @yummyscummymummy01
It's so hard to think that your Mum or Dad will miss out on your children growing up.
I had our 5th baby, very traumatic birth just 10 weeks ago and still haven't begun to process that. Our teens had the longest time with my Dad but our primary aged children and baby won't remember him as well. It just doesn't feel real right now.

Joining this thread...my dad died on New Year's Day aged 67. He was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukaemia eleven days previously...we had no time at all to process what was happening. Crazy to think that just over three weeks ago he was going about his normal routine oblivious to all this. He was so sick at the end, however. It was almost a relief when he went as he suffered. I cried a lot in the few days before he died as I could see what was happening. Now I'm numb...numb and depressed.

I'm so sorry. It's just dreadful. My dad is gone nearly 7 weeks now and I still can't believe it. I hope you have lots of support there xx

I really need a handhold and some advice on how to cope with this please if anyone can help.

My dear FIL recently passed away in a terrible accident (he was not elderly, and should have had years and years left). It was extremely traumatic for lots of reasons.

It’s been a huge shock to us all.

What I am struggling are HUGE feelings of guilt. My FIL was a lovely, kind, but not easy man. He struggled hugely with his mental health and had manic depression. We had not seen him or spoken to him in 7months because I gave birth to my first child 3 months ago and in the later stages of pregnancy and having a newborn baby, with my FIL going through a manic episode and refusing to take his medication, my DH ceased contact. My FIL did not take this well and although respected our wishes continued to not take his medication and was spiralling further and further.

My DH has no guilt (or so he claims). He says he loved his dad but couldn’t deal with the manic episodes and had his dad started taking his medication he would have welcomed his dad back with open arms as he had many times before. His dad knew this too as it was a constant cycle.

I’m so sad he didn’t meet his grandchild.

I’m so sad we won’t make any more memories with him.

I’m so sad we hadn’t seen him recently and that he died without us having telling him how special he was to us (though in his manic state it wouldn’t have registered anyway I doubt).

I have a baby to look after and I’m falling apart. My DH is coping better than me. I can NOT stop crying. I feel as though I’ll never get over the guilt and that maybe in some way we are being punished for not being more accepting or lenient with FIL. I look at my baby and think I don’t deserve you because I must be an awful cruel person.

I don’t feel like I deserve happiness now. My FIL was a good, kind man. He wasn’t perfect and his mental health was awful but he was a good man. He deserved more from us.

I can’t talk to my DH about this as don’t want to make things worse for him. My own family is going through a very difficult time right now so I don’t really have much support myself.

This helps to write it down.

He wasn't my dad, but as good as, to be honest. 🥺

Reading this thread is helping so much

@starfishy I'm also struggling whenever I look at my children with upset that my FIL will not see them grow up, also guilt that they didn't see enough of him when alive, I should have done more, tried harder, I hate myself right now. 🥺

I understand your upset and feelings of guilt. I have feelings of guilt too... My dad was taken by ambulance to hospital because he was unwell. They kept him in for a few hours, told him he just had a bug and sent him home, but I had a horrible sense of foreboding. I even said to my husband and sister that I was worried that if he went home, he would die. Everyone told me that I was being ridiculous, but I should have trusted my instincts and gone to his house (3 hours away) and brought him back into hospital. This really upsets me that I didn't do more. I also feel guilty about some things that I said to my dad when I might have been having a bad day or whatever...

But, I know that my dad knew that I loved him. I know that really, deep down, he probably wouldn't have wanted to go back into hospital with me. I know that he is gone and I can't get him back and anything else is just semantics now.

You couldn't have done anything else for your FIL. You did what you could with the resources that you had and according to what your husband wanted. Grief is the most horrendous thing and it can eat you up. I think that we need to try to separate our grief from our guilt because we can't change things now. We need to try to spend our time remembering all the happy times we had with them, as all the worry and guilt will just eat us up.

Hello. My stepdad passed away 9 hours ago and I'm in shock. I don't usually share personal information on MN but I'm so alone (no DH or "significant other", no close friends nearby). I need a handhold please and eventually some advice. My mum's distraught, so are my DC. I have no idea what to do except try to get some rest. It's just gone midnight.

I'm so sorry, Melodies. Here to offer a (belated) hand hold

Going by your time of day, are you not in the UK? I hope you got some rest at least.

I am so sorry. Just take it hour by hour. You’re probably in shock right now. Look after yourself. xx

So sorry @merrymelodies the shock is just awful. It's almost 2 weeks since my DF died suddenly and the shock does lessen.

Just checking in to say I'm thinking of you all. I don't post much but have been reading daily.
My dad died on the 20th Dec and due to a variety of delays the funeral is today. I'm dreading it but it has also seemed like too long of a wait.

I've written and practiced my eulogy, hoping I get through it.

@DurhamDurham I hope it went well for you and that you managed the eulogy.

It was my mothers memorial yesterday and I felt the same sense of dread. However, today, the day after, has been a grief honeymoon after a really special day.

Also, I feel so proud and grateful I did the eulogy . One of the best things I've ever done on my life.

Sending hugs.

@Lollywillowes it went well, it was actually a lovely day. Exhausted now and ready for bed but pleased that I did the eulogy. I think my dad would have been proud.
Well done to you for doing the eulogy, it's ok once you start isn't it but that brief moment when you first get up is hard.

Sending hugs and understanding 💐

I lost my dad today aged 77. It was unexpected but we got to say goodbye. Still numb. Sadly lost my mum 20 years ago so have been here before but it feels so odd not to have any parents. I'm in my mid 40s so not exactly a child orphan but knowing both my parents are dead is such an odd empty feeling. I feel anchorless. I was very lucky to have great loving parents and good relationships with them both.

I'm so sorry, @Wooloohooloo. I'm glad you could say goodbye.