DH died today and I don’t know what to do

[Pleasedontdothat]

He’d just turned 57 and was really fit but he’d been feeling vaguely under the weather for the last few days. I ended up taking him to a&e this morning as he had severe abdominal pain overnight but all his blood tests etc came back normal and they sent him home with instructions to see the GP. He went upstairs to have a lie down then said he was having a shower. I was downstairs on work calls. A couple of hours later I went upstairs to see if he wanted something for lunch and realised the shower was still running. I called out but no answer so went into the bathroom to find him collapsed on the floor - he was obviously dead. I don’t know how I’m going to cope . No point in this post but in some ways it’s easier than telling wider family and friends

I’m glad your GP is helping.

You're doing so well, OP. You and your family must all be still in shock. Just take it all very easy as much as you are able to.

The way that you're feeling is normal, OP.

I'm glad that you have your children there for you. Your middle child's feelings are also normal - when I lost my husband during lockdown (at home) I thought that it was my fault. (At times I still think that I could have done more.)

Thinking of you all.

My husband died in June, in an extremely similar situation..he too had been under the weather with abdominal pain, had attended A and E and was sent home all his bloods being fine. He too had to have a post mortem, which I still don't know the results of. He was 54, we had been married 33 years. My heart utterly goes out to you, it's such a shocking and painful station..please be kind to yourself and take it one moment at a time xx

My heart goes out to you and your children. I am glad that your GP is being supportive. 💐💐💐

I'm so sorry OP, what a terrible shock. Please know that we are all thinking of you and sending love x

Do try to eat, even if you dont feel hungry. Even if it's just a can of soup you will feel a little better for it. The post mortem is important, it will be slightly less difficult when you know why this happened and your son can be reassured there was nothing he could have done to change the outcome.

Thinking of you and yours OP and sending all the love and the strength of the women of Mumsnet (there's nothing stronger) through the ether to you.

Keep breathing, keep eating - whenever an opportunity arises have a tiny bit of something even though you might not feel like it - move forward when you can and stay still when you need to.

And use your friends. Call them to cry, yell, rail, say nothing, talk about the kids, the weather, your grief, whatever. You will have people who love you and want to help - let them if they can.
I'm so sorry💗

Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you.

The funeral director came to discuss arrangements - the postmortem still hasn’t happened but at least I now have a date for the funeral. I have not been coping well today - everyone keeps telling me I’m doing so well but it doesn’t feel like it. I spoke to a friend of mine today who’s a very experienced doctor and there are many unanswered questions about the standard of care he received.

I'm so sorry.

Yes, unless people have been through losing their life partner, they don't really understand. They're quite well meaning when they say that you're doing well, but they don't know what's going on inside.

OP, I can't even imagine. I'm so sorry.

@Pleasedontdothat

I'm SO sorry to hear about your DH. A dreadful shock finding him like that.

i hope the medication helps you get some sleep & you can get DS some help soon!

Has the coroner told you you can have the funeral? They have to give permission. Hopefully the funeral director will be on top of this. I am so sorry. We couldn't have DS's funeral until a month after he died because there had to be a PM and an inquest. It was a difficult time.

Oh goodness. So much for you to process. So many emotions. My heart goes out to you. Look after yourself as much as you are able. Sending you virtual
hugs. 💐

Oh my goodness. That is shocking. Do you know why there is no result? Are you waiting for an inquest? I am so sorry.

I'm sure the funeral director has a good idea when the body will be released. Our funeral director advised on that, set a date, but of course it could be changed if things took longer than expected.

I’m a funeral arranger. We can book a funeral but it can’t go ahead until the coroner has issued a certificate after the PM and released the body. We usually get past that by booking a few weeks ahead. The date can always be changed later if things aren’t moving as quickly as anticipated.

Big hugs to you OP at this difficult time.

I am so sorry about the unanswered questions, OP. I have been left with those also and it is awful. Hugs ❤️

AFAICT, there are always unanswered questions. There are always things that could have been done differently.

You are doing well, in a way. Getting up in the morning is doing well at the moment. You are allowed to cry, you know. And shout, even. You don't have to put on a brave face. You are one of the main mourners. Get through it however you can. And eat something.

I was able to arrange a funeral for DH with an interim death certificate. This was issued quite quickly, within a couple of weeks, I think.
So at his funeral I wasn't able to tell people what he'd died of, because we didn't fully know.

ODAAT (One Day At A Time) just do each moment like that.

People have a need to say something when nothing needs saying.

As I said further up the thread, i have done those early days, weeks, and months.

Nothing makes sense. Just look after you.

Keep using this thread or make another later on, after the service for those who have been bereaved of their life partner.

There are too many of us about. It's a whole new world your navigating.

Much love ❤️

I'm so sorry, I didn't word my post carefully enough. There has been a death certificate issued (with a condition mentioned, pending further investigation), and we have had the funeral. I'm still waiting for the post mortem report so that I know what really happened. It's just a few days off 5 months now, and I am increasingly desperate for answers.

I'm still waiting for the post mortem report so that I know what really happened. It's just a few days off 5 months now, and I am increasingly desperate for answers.

That is really bad. Can you chase the Coroner's Office up? I also had to have an interim certificate pending further investigations because the PM was inconclusive.

It's bad enough to lose a spouse suddenly, but then there are these extra complications which just rub salt in the wound. The only positive I found was that the Coroner's Office, Ambulance people, GP and Funeral Directors all were compassionate and went out of their way to be helpful.