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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

DH died today and I don’t know what to do

523 replies

Pleasedontdothat · 31/10/2023 18:26

He’d just turned 57 and was really fit but he’d been feeling vaguely under the weather for the last few days. I ended up taking him to a&e this morning as he had severe abdominal pain overnight but all his blood tests etc came back normal and they sent him home with instructions to see the GP. He went upstairs to have a lie down then said he was having a shower. I was downstairs on work calls. A couple of hours later I went upstairs to see if he wanted something for lunch and realised the shower was still running. I called out but no answer so went into the bathroom to find him collapsed on the floor - he was obviously dead. I don’t know how I’m going to cope . No point in this post but in some ways it’s easier than telling wider family and friends

OP posts:
Allthingsdecember · 01/11/2023 09:14

I’m so sorry Flowers

Forceasmileandbehappy · 01/11/2023 09:25

First, take a moment to focus on your breath. Breathe in and out. Your breath can become your closest source of comfort in these initial days. You will likely experience the various stages of grief, such as shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, though not necessarily in that order.
Consider incorporating prayer and journal writing into your routine, as these can help you process your feelings. Try to keep alcohol consumption to a minimum, as it may only prolong the grieving process.
Remember, you are not alone in this journey. Reach out to caring and compassionate friends and family members for support. While people may pass away, their love endures. Understand that the pain of losing love is, in itself, a manifestation of love. Allow yourself to embrace and experience all the emotions as they arise.
During moments of feeling overwhelmed or stressed, consider taking a warm bath. This can have an instant calming effect by lowering your cortisol levels, unlike a shower.
You have my deepest condolences during this challenging time. xx

Giggorata · 01/11/2023 09:39

I am so sorry for your loss. 💐

LittleVampireDucky · 01/11/2023 09:49

I'm so sorry. Sending you lots of hugs and best wishes.

CormorantStrikesBack · 01/11/2023 09:53

I am so very sorry for your loss, what an awful shock.

When my dad died I felt overwhelmed by the practical side of stuff which needed doing. And it just about overtook everything else. A friend gave me a book similar to this one When Someone Dies: The Practical Guide to the Logistics of Death: Amazon.co.uk: Smith, Scott Taylor: 9781476700212: Books and it helped take some of the worrying about what needed to be done/how to do it away.

wineandmaltesershappyme · 01/11/2023 09:55

I'm so so sorry OP

Theokaycokey · 01/11/2023 09:59

I am so so sorry to hear this. What a massive shock. Sending love to you and your children.

Onethingatatime23 · 01/11/2023 10:04

I'm so sorry, OP.

Peregrina · 01/11/2023 10:30

May I offer my condolences OP?

My DH died suddenly last year too, and I felt numb for a month. ScottBakula's post is comprehensive and very helpful.

For others reading though, there are things which need to be pointed out - an inquest and a post mortem are two different things. We needed a PM for my husband because he'd died suddenly at home and hadn't seen a GP for some years so she couldn't certify his death. We didn't need an Inquest because they, ( and I am not sure who they is) was able to say that it was due to natural causes.

The coroner issued us with about 10 interim death certificates and most organisations accepted these, so although I paid for 5 death certificates, in practice 2 or at most three would have been sufficient.

The funeral directors dealt with his body and liaised with the hospital and Coroner and again, like the coroners office, the people involved deal with bereaved people all the time and are helpful and know how to offer comfort to people.

I personally found that doing all the admin that was necessary was helpful to me, but others might not. Each of us grieves in our own way.

Since then I have found going to other funerals have been particularly difficult and maybe surprisingly weddings also.

But I can only say, take it one day at a time. Bereavement to me is a journey which I would rather not be taking right now, but I have no choice.

Pinkprescription · 01/11/2023 10:36

There are no words. I am genuinely very sorry.

Nousernamesleftatall · 01/11/2023 10:38

I am so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you.

MariaMeringue · 01/11/2023 10:43

I'm so, so sorry OP. I have been in your position and know the shock and disbelief you are experiencing at the moment. I hope you have someone with you now. Nothing I can say will make it better, but please reach out for support and practical help from your friends and family while you are processing this huge loss and unexpected life change.

When someone says 'please let me know if there's anything I can do', they mean well but it just adds to your mental load. I knew I would never end up asking those people for anything, even if I was struggling, as it was too difficult to think clearly about what I needed and then to be able to communicate it.

I remember the friends who just turned up with bags of groceries, which they also put away for me in the fridge and cupboards, or brought round shepherd's pies and lasagnes they had made for me and my children so I didn't have to think about shopping or cooking. And my lovely neighbour who would come over with posh biscuits and put the kettle on and just sit drinking endless cups of tea with me. And the parents of my children's friends, who would come and take them out for a few hours to give them some normality and me a break. Those lovely, practical, proactive people really took some of the weight off my shoulders and they were exactly who I needed to help me through that horrible time.

Sending you lots of love and strength x

AnneButNotHathaway · 01/11/2023 10:44

I'm so sorry OP! Sending hugs.

LostThestral · 01/11/2023 11:12

oh my gosh, i'm so sorry

Pleasedontdothat · 01/11/2023 11:24

The coroner’s office has just called - he’s going to have to have a post mortem which won’t happen until next week now. Feeling in limbo. I know I should eat something but I can’t imagine ever feeling hungry again. The kids are telling people which helps

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 01/11/2023 11:28

Just eat something simple like cheese and crackers. I know it’s tough (((hugs)))

Marisquita · 01/11/2023 11:28

So sorry OP. Soup can be good when it’s hard to eat. Sending you strength to get through today, and then tomorrow. One day at a time for now. Gentle hugs.

LookItsMeAgain · 01/11/2023 11:59

Something that will focus your mind right now is probably something so mundane but you need to work out how you're going to cover the bills. If you have a shared bank account only - then go to an ATM and withdraw what you can from that account so you're working in cash. If you have your own account, transfer some funds from the joint account to it so that you can carry on with your bills.
When my dad passed away the banks froze his accounts and my mum had no money to work with even to buy food and petrol for the car. So that is what I would do first.
Then, I'd contact a funeral home/undertaker and start the ball rolling on the type of funeral that you/your late husband would like. They can liaise with the coroner when the time comes.
If you're religious, contact your priest/pastor/rector/whoever to get their support and advice.

Again, I am so terribly sorry for your loss. Hug your kids. You'll all need each other over the coming days and weeks.

lovescats3 · 01/11/2023 12:13

Condolences 🌾

Peregrina · 01/11/2023 12:15

When my dad passed away the banks froze his accounts and my mum had no money to work with even to buy food and petrol for the car. So that is what I would do first.

I don't think this happens with accounts in joint names - the money passes to the surviving names on the account. Or at least that happened with me when DH died and also when DM died. In that case my DB and I both had our names on her account, to help her operate it.

Dinoswearunderpants · 01/11/2023 12:17

Please be kind to yourself. Sadly I have experience in this. My DH passed away suddenly in 2011.

You will be numb, angry, confused, hurt... every emotion possible. Take each day as it comes.

People will say the most stupid and ridiculous things but they often don't mean to upset you. They simply don't know what to say.

Try and eat and drink. I know you're not hungry but you'll feel even worse (yes I know it might feel like that's not possible but sadly it is) so eat small things that will give you a little energy.

Do whatever you need to do to seek any comfort. Just try not to do anything dangerous or reckless.

Again please be kind to yourself. You don't have to have the answers to everything right away and I know there's lots to organise but you don't have to do it all at once.

And the worse thing is people will say to you 'The pain will ease with time', I used to hate hearing this but sadly it is true. You can not imagine it's possible, but is it.

You learn to live a new life sadly. I truly am so sorry for your loss.

henrysugar12 · 01/11/2023 12:18

I'm so sorry. Nothing I can say will make things any easier for you, but sending you a virtual hug.

NotAgainBrian · 01/11/2023 12:26

I know there's no words that can help right now. I am just so so sorry, and you are in my thoughts 💐

Silvers11 · 01/11/2023 12:29

So so sorry to read this @Pleasedontdothat Such a very hard time for you and your family. I have no words which can possibly help, but I wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and your children

redambergreen70 · 01/11/2023 12:47

I’m so sorry 😢