DH died today and I don’t know what to do

[Pleasedontdothat]

He’d just turned 57 and was really fit but he’d been feeling vaguely under the weather for the last few days. I ended up taking him to a&e this morning as he had severe abdominal pain overnight but all his blood tests etc came back normal and they sent him home with instructions to see the GP. He went upstairs to have a lie down then said he was having a shower. I was downstairs on work calls. A couple of hours later I went upstairs to see if he wanted something for lunch and realised the shower was still running. I called out but no answer so went into the bathroom to find him collapsed on the floor - he was obviously dead. I don’t know how I’m going to cope . No point in this post but in some ways it’s easier than telling wider family and friends

So very sorry for your loss, and your children’s, OP.

Something similar happened in my family last year: we lost a wonderful man in a freak accident in the prime of middle age. He remains one of a literal handful of people I love best, and I hope he always will. So although grief is very personal perhaps I can imagine a bit of what you are going through.

I am glad you are supported by family and friends. Very best wishes to you snd your DC ❤️

Don’t worry about eating, I didn’t eat for 3 weeks. But do drink. If you can manage a smoothie with fruit and yoghurt in it that will help on both fronts. But water, tea, coffee will be fine for a few days.
Best advice I was given was take one minute at a time, one breath at a time.

I’m sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself and let others help you. ❤

I am sincerely sorry for your loss. Please take care of yourself, and give yourself a lot of time.

I’m so sorry for your loss and the trauma

@Pleasedontdothat

OP, I read your post yesterday and I have been thinking of you since. My husband died at age 47 under extremely similar circumstances and I just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts. Sending love and strength.

Actually, OP, I stayed on the edge of an alcoholic buzz for the first few weeks after my loved one’s sudden death. It was a period when my professional work was flexible and there was a huge amount to do around the death. From 5pm until bedtime for about a month I sipped beer or wine veeerrryyyy slooowwwly. Occasionally a long slow glass at lunch.

I am ordinarily a very prudent drinker so I hope it didn’t do much harm. I had that horrible restless energy you spoke of whenever I took a day off this regimen. It helped me sleep. Then as the shock started wearing off so did the desire for the booze. I wouldn’t exactly recommend experimenting with it, though.

I am so very sorry for your loss. My husband died in May this year. It was expected but it’s never easy. Take all the help you are offered and make lists of what you have to do. You have lots of advice on here so I won’t go on at length be kind to yourself and cry when you can. It’s a long lonely road.💐💐

I’m really sorry OP.
My biggest condolences. 💐

The pain of his death will diminish in time, and the joy of your life together will remain with you for ever.

RIP my lovely man. 5 years since he went, he is here in my heart all the time

Try to eat something sweetheart... could you manage a little bit of toast? Or a tiny bit of soup? You are going to need sustenance to get through this, please just try a little bit of something x

I am so very sorry for your loss. Let people take care of you now. Lean on your friends and family and realize that you will have some feelings of trauma, so seek out someone professional to talk to about everything. i will help you get through the darker days you will have.

I'm so sorry, I was wearing your shoes last year, and fuck, how they hurt.
Try to eat something, soup good, a cooked chicken to pick at. Anything really.
Call your GP surgery, make sure they know and if you need short term medication to get through ask for it.
I know this sounds crazy, but this intense pain will pass, but slowly you will discover your new normal. But the normal may well be shit.
Be honest with people about how you are actually doing, no medals awarded for bravery, and allow your friends, family and colleagues to catch you when you are drowning.
I promise you, that one day you will realise that your life is going on, and you will be able to breathe in, and breathe out without being engulfed with grief.
Love to you xxx

Oh, and also, when anyone 'helpfully' suggest counselling, until at least a year or more down the line, PUNCH THEM on the nose!
People say that as a trite 'get out of gaol' card, usually because they have never experienced a significant bereavement.

I don't know you, but I've literally been thinking of you all day. I hope you're OK...I know you're not, I just wanted you to know we're all behind you. Once again, I'm so sorry... xx

I'm not sure that's true for all people. I got myself straight into counselling. I'd just been through a sudden and traumatic loss and I had the children to support through own sudden and traumatic loss that was just as close as mine. Because I wanted to do the best for them, I got myself into counselling to make sure I had support so I could support them. I don't know if it really helped with grief much but it provided a place for me to debrief and voice thoughts and feelings as I processed what had happened. I think I talked at the counsellor more than anything. I think that was valuable. Counselling may be help to OP, or it might not be. It's not bad to have it as an option whenever, if ever, she might find it useful.

I remember that feeling of being in limbo waiting for the coroner's office to do their part, the months of waiting for a report afterwards and for them to close the case, the need for a funeral so everyone could move forward but having to wait. It's not an easy journey OP, but you will get through it.

Can you stomach a milkshake or protein shake if you don't feel like eating. Sorry for your loss

You poor thing, how awful for you. I'm so sorry.

You're in shock, basically- when my mum died it was 3 weeks before I started coming out of that numb, what is this world I'm living in state (then my younger brother died, which tipped me right over the edge). Mum was over 80 and we knew she was dieing, bro was in 40s and fit and healthy. One day his heart gave out - a malformed valve had given up the ghost and bam! He'd had no symptoms at all, throughout his life he'd been fine, but there it was, a congenital abnormality with no symptoms.... they had to do a post mortem on him too, and it did tell us why he died. So I'm really really glad they did one.

Take it a small step at a time. If you want to eat then eat, if you don't then don't - same with everything. Just indulge yourself until you've adjusted to your new world order and let the kids handle things.

Thinking of you and your family.

@PetsAreBetter fair comment, and I suppose it just demonstrates that what works for one doesn’t necessarily mean it works for all.

So sorry for your loss. 💐

Eat when you want, what you want. There is no rule book for this. Eat light foods a little an often is best.

My eldest bought me homemade soup down the day after when my husband passed and said there isn't loads there - eat it.

Crying, screaming, rest, allow others to do for you. You're starting a journey there is no rule book for

I remember this part well. It seemed so unbelievable and like there was so much that needed to be done but most of it couldn’t until after the post-mortem.
It’s really hard but try and eat if possible even though you aren’t hungry. I think I lived off soup and cake and tea for a long time (I don’t even really like tea).

Please try and eat. Even tea and biscuits or cake. Toast. Tins of soup.

It is better for you, even though it's hard to do it.

I just wanted to say thank you to all of you - some of your messages have made me cry but in a good way and it’s all appreciated. My older and younger DC are being brilliant as are my siblings and friends. I’m very worried about my middle dc who’d moved back home two days before as he wasn’t coping with living independently. He’s autistic and has severe depression and was with me when I found DH - he’s very traumatised and blaming himself for not realising his dad needed help. I spoke to the GP today who was absolutely lovely and she’s sorted out something to help me sleep and she’s going to arrange some support for ds too. I’m exhausted now but can’t rest - I feel like all my nerve endings are overstretched and very brittle.