And @keffie12 yes yes yes to your last post. People really do say the dumbest stuff. The ‘philosophers’ are the worst - because it sounds reasonable but feels more like gaslighting.
My worst offender was the wife of a friend. Whenever I saw her she was always quick to tell me of the latest man to suddenly die of heart trouble at a young age. From the start her main point was how common this is - so she could rationalise away or minimise the impact of it. So very hurtful and I never dreamed of doing that about her cancer diagnosis - also very common but still devastating.
Luckily I had some very supportive people nearby, even though we’d not long moved. There were two women in particular who were older than us - both had met DH with me, so knew him a bit, and both had lost their husbands some years earlier.
They each continued to phone me after the initial weeks, knowing I wouldn’t respond to a ‘call me anytime if you need anything’. And the one who lived around the corner invited me over for tea every fortnight or so. Which was perfect for getting out of the house but without going ‘out’ out, which made me feel too vulnerable.
And I also agree that it’s lifelong for me, even though it’s not active grief now. I’ve accepted it and can still build a life - something that seemed impossible back then.
But it can still feel raw again, like losing my mother last year - when DH lost his mother he had me with him during her illness and beyond.
So many thanks to some incredibly thoughtful posts from PPs. I hope they bring comfort to OP