DH died today and I don’t know what to do

[Pleasedontdothat]

He’d just turned 57 and was really fit but he’d been feeling vaguely under the weather for the last few days. I ended up taking him to a&e this morning as he had severe abdominal pain overnight but all his blood tests etc came back normal and they sent him home with instructions to see the GP. He went upstairs to have a lie down then said he was having a shower. I was downstairs on work calls. A couple of hours later I went upstairs to see if he wanted something for lunch and realised the shower was still running. I called out but no answer so went into the bathroom to find him collapsed on the floor - he was obviously dead. I don’t know how I’m going to cope . No point in this post but in some ways it’s easier than telling wider family and friends

If you choose to back to the NHS, OP, this suggestion from @keffie12 is excellent. Some years back the death in hospital of an elderly relative in hospital following surgery was likely down to a shocking lack of communication between specialist teams. We were advised similarly by the GP and got a similar positive response from the NHS.

Actually @keffie12 and @poetryandwine the suggestion that I should be pussyfooting around in order not to annoy the doctors has absolutely enraged me … medical staff at the hospital made a mistake which has had catastrophic consequences for my family - I’m not going to be making constructive feedback - quite frankly fuck that - I want the people who made that mistake to be accountable. Yes I know nothing can bring him back but I want the doctors in whom we had placed our trust to understand what they did. They weren’t overstretched, the department wasn’t busy, it was a quiet Tuesday morning - there is no excuse.

Sorry - I know you mean well but I will be making a complaint and I don’t care whether or not the medical staff take it as constructive. However I have to get through the funeral first and navigating my way round the enormous amounts of bureaucracy a sudden death seems to demand plus dealing with grieving children and my MIL who’s demanding I read out her saccharine ‘memories’ at the service (DH would be turning in his grave at the prospect). I feel like screaming and screaming and never stopping.

I'm sorry I offended you. That wasn't my intention. It was a suggestion: I just found the wording from our GP got me further. You must do what you think is right, obviously.

I know. I do know. It's been five years, just gone for me. I remember it well. Everyone on your case wants a piece of you.

You don't have to have anything you don't want at his service. You're his wife.

I had a load of trouble with 2 members of my husband family when he passed, which got my MiL involved too.

Yes, you will go feel like screaming and never stopping. Go find a field if you can and do just that.

For me, I had to use my eldest old punching bag at some stages

It's all the emotions I said about: the anger can come out in so many ways, too

I suspect LM died when he could have lived. He had an op and never regained consciousness (sepsis). I know (but it is only from reading one account in a book by a surgeon) that at least one surgeon was devastated at the death of any of his patients under his care. But I would think all surgeons are, one way or another. This has helped, fractionally. I'm still angry sometimes, of course. I'm more angry with LM himself, who should have gone to the GP. And didn't💗

Getting the system working better is always a good thing to do. I am currently doing so with regard to some of the psychiatric care I have received. And so far, I'm hopeful that what I have to say will be listened to.

@Pleasedontdothat I get it. Whatever you do with NHS I think people just mean don’t do anything just yet, like you say, get through the funeral first.

I get the anger and impotent rage. Nothing could have changed what happened with my DH in our case, apart from maybe some lifestyle choices he could have made. So my anger was more directed at recent stresses he’d had. The traumatic rage focussed on something a colleague did - he grabbed DH’s mobile out of his pocket and gave me the announcement in the worst way imaginable. Horrific. There’s a reason this needs to be done in a certain way.

My point is that certain acts and words at such a time imprint us and get seared into our brain forever.

I get how you feel about MIL too. Much patience and forbearance was needed towards FIL taking over at the funeral, knowing what I knew about DH’s childhood.

Take care, I’m thinking of you often

Kindly, they may not have done anything wrong. He died of a femoral artery aneurysm rupture. The femoral artery is in the groin/leg and is not typically associated with urological symptoms. He may have died of a femoral artery aneurysm, but it doesn't mean there wasn't also something else causing the issues that led him to go to A&E. Whether there was a link between that other thing and the bursting aneurysm is a second question, but as your doctor friend said, it's incredibly uncommon for them to rupture.

If the aneurysm was in his leg, them doing a scan of the area he was having issues with (abdomem) wouldn't have even found it. They could be as unlinked as someone being seen for a broken leg and dying the next day from a brain aneurysm.

You're hurt and angry right now, but until you have more information you can't say the medical staff did anything wrong.

OP, I am so sorry for offending you. Please know it was the last thing I wanted to do. I am still angry about the possibly preventable death of my elderly relative. It’s just that when the dust settled, we decided to frame our thoughts to maximise the chances that lessons would be learnt.

Your DH did not have the gift of years and that makes an enormous difference. As I said earlier I was originally drawn to you because one of the people in my innermost circle died not long ago in a heartbreaking accident, again dreadfully prematurely and with unanswered questions. I know it is different. Again, I am so sorry.

@HowcanIhelp123 not helpful right now

It was in his groin - it was what was stopping his bladder from being able to be emptied. If they’d done a CT scan of his bladder they would have found it. They did not take his symptoms seriously - the doctor who saw him kept telling us how junior he was - bottom line is they shouldn’t have sent him home - I’m assuming you’re medical and therefore feeling defensive. That doctor has the rest of his career to get through - my DH doesn’t.

I’m stepping away from this thread now - thank you for all the support, practical advice and shared experiences. But it’s stopped being a source of comfort for me now and a very few of you really need to rethink how you address things to people who are in a howling pit of grief. Thankfully my GP is being very supportive and has many questions raised by the discharge letter that she’d like to be answered

I’m so sorry @Pleasedontdothat , I can’t imagine how hard it must be for you all especially when potentially medical negligence is involved. I too would want answers, too true someone needs to explain why your DH wasn’t comprehensively investigated.
Just wanted to say I’m thinking of you 💐

I just wanted to add my sympathies. A sudden and untimely death is difficult enough. I can only imagine the additional stress caused by the need for a post mortem and investigation of what happened. I am glad you have a supportive GP. I hope that helps.

I am sorry that Pleasedontdothat feels she has to stay away.

But to others like her and me, with sudden deaths of husbands/partners, I would like to say that this thread with others sharing their own experiences has helped me a little more to come to terms with my own grief.

A good friend told me 'there are no "shoulds" and "oughts" about grief - you have to find your own way to come to terms with it.

With respect, OP, you are letting your guilt and anger distract you from something important. Your husband had a very rare problem. It's very unlikely anyone other than you will blame a junior doctor for not doing a scan when your husband's condition seemed to be explained by something that was not life threatening. You shouldnt blame yourself for not pushing the issue either as there was no reason to do a scan.

The question I would focus on is whether a 57 year old man had an underlying problem that led to the femoral artery aneurysm rupture, unusual for a man of his age. Did he have high blood pressure or high cholesterol? Was he on any medication? When we lost a family member suddenly we discovered something that was important for the rest of the family.

I hope the inquest is still going ahead and will give you more answers.

Enough with people telling the OP she shouldn’t think what she is. So unhelpful.

Medics made a guess as to the cause of the urinary retention without a scan and they were wrong. OP was right to be concerned. Even an ultrasound of the abdomen/groin may have shown something. Which they should have done to look for a strangulated/incarnated hernia.

It’s quite possible he wouldn’t have got a scan in time given the speed of events. But if they had at least kept him in she would have been spared the shock of finding him herself and would not be left with what ifs.

It’s not that particular junior doctor’s fault - they’re fresh out of med school and learning on the job. But it won’t have been the junior doctor’s decision alone - they’re fully supervised.

i have no idea whether he would have been saveable had they acted differently - but OP’s perspective is valid.

All the very best, OP. You'll be in my thoughts in weeks to come.
However, now is the time for me to hide this thread.

No I'm not. I'm medical adjacent. I'm also someone who has medics in the family, and someone who lost close loved ones due to medical negligence (proven in court). I know they make mistakes. They're human.

All I'm saying is anger is part of grief and pinning it on this junior doctor isn't going to help you in the long run. It very much may not be his fault. They follow the guidelines they have. He may well have followed those guidelines to the letter, and a CT scan wasn't within the guidance. They have to justify tests within the guidance, thats the way the NHS works.

Even an experienced doctor wouldn't have guessed it was a femoral aneurysm. They are incredibly rare. He didn't match risk factors. He had symptoms not typical of a femoral aneurysm, and femoral aneurysms so rarely rupture most are never detected and often are not operated upon even if found.

Even if they realised that day he had the aneurysm they likely wouldn't have operated immediatel, made him comfortable and waited until the next day. If it had ruptured in hosital on the pre-Op ward they very much still may not have been able to save him.

I'm incredibly sorry for your loss, and I absolutely believe you should find out as many answers as you can to get closure. But don't fall down the path of channelling your anger and grief at the doctors. It is not a path that will bring you peace.

OP has left the thread, understandably, so it’s a moot point. But - really don’t tell someone how to grieve and where to channel their anger. And particularly don’t tell them what will bring them peace - as you don’t have a clue.

OP is doing what she needs to do to process what happened. It’s not for your or anyone to tell her the right path.

Quite apart from the fact that you seem to think that guessing at a femoral artery aneurysm is the issue. It’s not.

How awful that OP has been driven off her own bereavement thread.

^This

Nobody on this thread knows exactly what happened or if errors were made. This is not the place nor the time to lecture the OP who is not only dealing with sudden death of a spouse but also with the possibility that things might have been different. Its devastating to deal with.

Let the OP grieve and vent and then deal with any medical questions once she has dealt with the funeral at least.

In case you check back @Pleasedontdothat I’m glad your GP is taking you seriously and raising concerns about the discharge letter.

I remember being where you are now, in that howling pit of grief. No one should dismiss what we say while we’re there, as if the grief is clouding our memory of details.

No one can say they know how you feel because it’s never exactly the same, but I do remember feeling as you describe and my heart is breaking for you

I’m so, so, so sorry for your loss, OP. I hope you and the children are being supported and looked after. I’ve been thinking of you all since the day it happened and will continue to do so.

My mum died of a ruptured aortic aneurysm which we believe caused an aortic dissection. The doctors saw nothing. Ten months on, a lot of my time is spent trying to get answers and raise awareness. There’s a shocking (and sometimes wilful) lack of knowledge on the part of the medical profession. I’m so sorry.