Trying to cope with late miscarriage at 18 weeks😪

[MomLostInTheClouds]

Hallo there,

I've been here for a while and read hundreds of similar stories like mine...
It helped me not to feel so alienated with my loss (never knew there's such a thing like late miscarriage!), but still - it hasn't soothed my pain.

I literally can't understand what had happened (it's raw, just 2.5 weeks ago, with burial on last Friday and follow up appointment with the consultant still to be scheduled after my bloods and placenta results come back; we didn't opt for PM).

I'm 39, have 2 healthy boys (thank God, they keep me sane!) and generally healthy. Before getting pregnant I had my bloods done too and everything (but low vitamin D which I supplemented) was fine. I used to be treated for hypothyroidism, but my TSH and whole thyroid profile came good too. I also lost some weight before (I have always been big, but managed to stay fit and did my zumba workouts religiously).

Got green light to get pregnant and couldn't believe it happened so fast. In a month we saw 2 lines! I was over the moon imagining a little dumpling joining our family, reorganised the rooms up to have space for nursery and dreamt of a newborn's smell...

Everything was like in the 2 previous pregnancies: intensive morning sickness up to 13th week, food aversions, fatigue, etc. The only thing different was yellowish discharge, but since I had no itching, burning or any other symptoms, I was told it is normal.

I was putting on weight, bump was becoming more visible and I could feel his first flutters. What a feeling!

Wednesday, 1st of June (International Children's Day)... things started to get weird.

I woke up very tired and in the night felt pain all over my tummy and found it hard to breathe - like pain in my lungs. Put it down to sleeping too long on the right side and getting bigger. Went to the toilet to find light pink discharge on my panties. Again, a bit puzzled, but when I wiped, there was nothing so again, tried not to worry and spent time with kiddos watching cartoons, playing, eating. Seemingly a normal day of a pregnant tired mommy...

Now I think that it wasn't normal as my gut feeling kept on telling me I haven't really felt baby flutters in a long time (put it down to feeling under the weather and being busy with kids). Then period like cramping started to creep in making me unable to stand. I also felt some pressure in my pelvis which was quite familiar from previous pregnancies, so again, went on with my day. By the evening, I was knackered and went early to sleep even though I wiped a lot of brown discharge during my last toilet visit.

2 am. Sharp abdominal pain and literally labor like contractions coming and going made me jump out of the bed, get dressed and grab my pregnancy file. I ran down to my husband to arrange going to the hospital. Just wanted to visit the toilet thinking it was a sudden bowel movement... but after sitting there for 2-3 minutes, no pushing... a baby and blood popped out of me. I could not believe it. Shaking I looked down and felt the umbilical cord and another gush of blood. Then I just remember my husband calling for ambulance and being rushed to the hospital with a paramedic holding my sleeping bundle of joy.

The reality hit me in the hospital bed. I was struggling to deliver my placenta when my little boy (perfect!) was brought to me in a tiny white basket covered with a crocheted blue blanket, and when they started to take his foot prints and our photos, and handed me a memory box. Holding this memory box and my wee boy on my chest shouted out loud to me that IT IS OVER!

Why?
Why... how?
So fast...?
With few warning signs?
In 1 day?
All over?
All my hopes, dreams...taken away.
Buried.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
WHAT DID I DO?!

Was it because I have a cat?
Did I get toxoplasmosis? (Was cleaning her litter box)
Was it that Mc Donald's meal I had few hours ago?
Or was it the last coffee? (I SHOULDN'T HAVE DRUNK COFFEE!)
Was it my age?
My weight?
Some other infection in the womb?
Placenta?

...

There are days I still feel pregnant.
I still rub my tummy.
I see my baby in front of my eyes and cry everyday.
I see his little coffin.
I see his little clothes (his first clothes for the hospital arrived just the day before! He was supposed to leave the hospital in them...Alive!)
And I don't know when I'll get over it.
Even if I should get over it.
When I laugh, I feel guilty.
But for my kids, I smile and wipe my tears on my sleeves so they don't see me down.
And I feel terrible to be wanting another baby, to even try to ttc again...
If I could, I'd love to be pregnant now...(?!)

Don't know how to cope, really.
The feeling that I should have gone to the hospital just to check, hunts me and produces 'what if' scenarios in my head.

Venting here...
Trying to calm down...while waiting for my results (and maybe some answers; hoping it won't be 'one of these bad luck cases').

Feeling 100kg lighter.

Anyone else going through this?

@Monkhouse2022 being isolated from your son must be devastating and irritating.😣but it's the right thing to do. So hang on in there. I hope the pain on your hand will also subside.

@Vie8126 tell us, tell us, tell us the results! I'm sure you're still as young as 28😉...

My cold put me in bed.
Never felt so tired and lazy (unless preggo or with covid, but sure the 2 are not the case).
I find it hard to go about daily chores.
I'd only sit under my duvet and watch 'Friends'.

And half-term is coming.
I need to plan some entertainment for my kiddos.
But I'm knackered.

I'm not even happy that I lost 2 kg.
Lol, I was eating so clean and healthy for the baby to be that would never be, probably.

Yeah, not much to this post, just some rant of sick and tired mama who has to bake that peri peri chicken in the oven and go to parents evening...🙃

Today my husband hugged me when in the morning I announced that our son would have been with us in 3 weeks, but s* happens and we need to go on living without him.

His silence told me more than words...
I'm not so angry with him anymore.Lol

@MomLostInTheClouds @Monkhouse2022 nothing to report as yet! I need to text the bereavement midwife. We had a busy morning at soft play hell so will do it in a bit and come straight back to report the findings!

@Monkhouse2022 i hope you are feeling better and your hand isn’t too painful. It sucks being isolated away but for the best it’s just hard to miss out on them big warm cuddles isn’t it.

Out village has a blaw thing going on Thursday evening for loss parents and our church is lit up pink and blue so dp and I are going to go I think. Tomorrow the due date well I want to go and see a display at the seafront where our girl has her name.

Not sure if I said but I had a lovely letter from the vicar who did the service and he is doing a remembrance service the end of the month and has invited us as he will be mentioning our girl by name. Also something nice I guess. I mean I wish I wasn’t going to these things and having newborn cuddles with my girl but hey ho.

@MomLostInTheClouds I am sure dh is just struggling in his own way. These men they truly are a different breed and act so different to us.

Dp and ds have stinking snotty colds so no doubt I’m next. Could be Rona I guess so should probably get some tests in to check.

@MomLostInTheClouds @Monkhouse2022 ladies I just saw a beautiful song on Tommys Facebook group and it made me ball my eyes out. I sent it to dp and he listened and replied saying ‘that’s cute’ cute? CUTE? @MomLostInTheClouds see now my dp is annoying me!

@Vie8126 send the link to the song, please...😘
All FB groups are just full of baby loss awarness poems, photos, songs...

I'm happy with that coz this + my due date coming soon give me a feeling of definite closure. Like I'm getting it now - what's done cannot be undone.

It's the end.
There's no baby.
No baby!!!!

@Monkhouse2022 I also ask God why...why would he do it to me? Why other moms carried to term and I'm empty-handed? Am I not deserving it? Am I too bad of a mother?
Why? Why? Why?
???

I still don't know if there's anything going on in my city.
Honestly I wouldn't attend afraid of throwing wobbly...

Yeah, them men piss us off every now and then, and I'm like divorcing my husband almost every month. Ok not this month, or not yet lol...I'm sure when PMS will hit I'll declare taking him to court again.😂

And as for now, I need to sort out what's wrong with my cat ??????!!!!!

She keeps on peeing on our beds...and apart from washing sheets and cleaning mattresses, I try to read why she's doing that.
Anybody? Anything?

@MomLostInTheClouds here it is be warned you will cry

@MomLostInTheClouds @Monkhouse2022 why does god if there is a god (I’m not overly religious) take our babes? There seems no reason for it.

@Vie8126 I feel like I wrote this song..like these are my words...like this is all I want to say to the world.

Beautiful song😍

I cried my eyes out...

As a mother, I'd like to hug and kiss all these angel babies👼.

Maybe one day I'll understand when I look at the rainbow 🌈....

Sending strength, peace of mind and love to you mamas.😘

@MomLostInTheClouds @Monkhouse2022 well the day we all dread is here for me. My due date. I would likely be heading into hospital for an induction today and welcoming my girl this afternoon. I am in pieces. We have been keeping so busy the last few days hartbeeps and soft play and meeting friends decorating the house. My ds is with the childminder today so I am meant to crack on with house work and finish the painting.

The day our girl was born on the way home we saw a double rainbow so I feel the song resonates too @MomLostInTheClouds

Our girl was tiny and looked just like her brother. I didn’t hold her and spent minimal time with her. I was in shock destroyed. Regrets about that but I try to think it was a self preservation method. She was born in 45 minutes from the pessary being in place. Short quick labour. Born in her amniotic sack fully in tact. They hadn’t seen that with a second trimester delivery. I have a tiny knitted square that was placed over her and it still has a blood mark on it that I hold on to. Why is the world so cruel. Why was she taken from us. I close my eyes and try to see her face from memory and know that it will likely fade.

Life is beyond cruel at times. I thought I’d be pregnant again by now and I’m not. Stuck in the tww wondering if we did enough this month. Scared in case we did and we get a bfp that history will repeat itself and I can’t cope with that but sad in case it never ever happens. Such a confused state of mind from me.

I find myself wondering what the reason was. Why did this happen to me what lesson is it to teach me, is my life meant to go in a different direction, am I meant to do more. Do you ladies get that? I have always believed everything happens for a reason so what was the reasoning for this? What direction am I meant to take? I hope that makes sense. I thought about volunteering for a baby loss charity but know I am not strong enough to hear about loss like that and offer support.

I did think yest I wonder if our babies had found each other like we have found each other? I hope so that gives me some comfort.

sending love and hugs xxx

@Vie8126 you feel as I do, nothing makes sense.
You have made me cry so much when you said ‘I wonder if our babies had found each other like we have found each other?’ I hope they have, I really do x

@Vie8126 no matter how weird it sounds, Happy Brithday 🎂 today to your daughter.

12.10 2022 R.I.P. Little Baby Girl

After all, it's the proper date of birth (just was never meant to be).

My son's birthday is coming soon too.
And it'll be silent, with no home decorating and cheerful giggling.
It'll be on the cemetery...

Don't blame yourself for not holding her.
The moment the paramedics came, they asked if I want to see and hold my son. I also refused. Scared!

If I didn't go to the hospital (where theh kust brouht him to me and suggested I should hold him), I'd never do it too.

Belive it or not, I cried the moment the Midwife put him on my chest (around 3.30am till 8am!!!).

He was cold...
So tiny...
So perfect...
So innocent!

*

I was just brushing my teeth and also stared at myself with surprise that I'm not pregnant 🤰🏼 by now.
I was sure September would be my month!
I was sure it'll be easy like 3 times before.
I was...naive!

My love... your words sound just like me.
I also wonder why, what's the reason, is it redirection?

I feel it is!

I don't know how about you, but for me this loss proved I was born to be a mom, and I enjoy it more than anything. And it's exactly what I would like to be doing whole life...if I could.

Be a mom in the first place, be a wife (in the second place), and being whatever else (bottom of my list is my work and other staff).

It's not that it has always been this way, not at all.
When I was a little girl, I swore to God I'd never have kids.
All my best fertile years I worked hard, focused on money and career; family and kids was not even on my list!

After meeting and marrying my husband 12 years ago, it all shifted.
Priorities changed.

I stopped travelling around the world (I'm so grateful I've seen so many continents and countries!). I stopped living only with me and my ego.
I settled down and got pregnant with my first son.

I cherish every day now.
Cliche?
Not at all.
I do! Really love every ray of light...

I'm grateful for everything like I've never been before...
For a sip of water, for warm house, for my kids, for the food I eat...for evert breath.

What do you feel @Vie8126 ?
What did it teach you?
@Monkhouse2022 and you? Did you find anything for yourself in that loss?

I hope you'll finish paining the house and make it a safe haven for you and your family. Whether it'll grow or not...🌈 ...
There'll always be a rainbow and our babies at the end of it.

Yeah, maybe our kids play together on abby heaven.

Next to my son they've recently put a girl and I'm so happy he's got company.

2 teddies sit next to each other and mark these 2 graves...

@MomLostInTheClouds it has definitely made me reevaluate a lot in my life. I was a young mum at 19 when I had my oldest had never even held a baby and here I was with one of my own. We struggled through them days. Then I had my second ds and my dd. My world fell apart when I was 28 and my xdh and I split up and all of a sudden I was under 30 with 3 small kids and been a sahm for all them years. I then had to build a career and a life for me and them. I never ever thought more babies would be on the horizon then after 10 years I met dp. I knew instantly I would have his baby sounds weird doesn’t it. Our ds is precious (obv they all are!) a chance for the family we both always wanted. A career break and chance to spend time with ds is my horizon now. A new career in a different field a chance to build something for me rather than someone else. I am grateful for dp for allowing me this chance this change. It won’t change the world but it will change me.

like you I feel at ease being mum now. So different to that young girl struggling with a baby at 19. The life I thought I would be having now crazy chaotic two smalls 14 months apart and a dog chucked in for good measure. Well that isn’t to be. But my ds and a crazy dog is my lot for now (and ofc my beautiful older adult grown smalls!) maybe my ds needs more me time, maybe my dd needs more of her mum she’s 14 and it’s a tricky time. Whatever the reason I have to go with it.

I am glad your ds has a friend near to him how lovely is that. I am sure our girls @Monkhouse2022 and your boy @MomLostInTheClouds are playing together and looking down on all of us.

With BLAW I came back to this thread to see how you are all doing. I spent some time catching up with all your posts and I will admit that I did cry reading some of them.

My beautiful Sweet boy Alexander is always in my thoughts, and despite being ever so lucky to have had my rainbow twins I still yearn for him, my arms still ache to hold him and my grief at losing him is no less.

I was never religious before I lost my boy, always resigned myself to not believing in god and believed in science instead but now I believe, not in god as such, but in something after this life because I just have to believe that I will hold my sweet boy again and feel his little body pressed close to mine so I can sniff his head and murmur a million I love you’s into his ear. I almost look forward to dying…not that I want to go before my time because I don’t, but I am also eager to see my boy and squeeze him tight. It’s a difficult thing to explain, it’s as though half of me is here watching my Earth side children grow and the other half of me is wherever my Angel son is….somewhere among the stars and above the clouds where I think of what he would look like now, growing up in my imagination…his chubby arms, his cheeky laugh and the tiny dimples that appear on his cheeks when he smiles. I love & miss him so much it hurts.

I thought that might be ok to say here, I’ve never said it anywhere else, but I think you Angel mummies will get it.

Sending so much love to you all ❤️

@Lillygolightly so nicely put and glad you shared on here, always welcome.
Hopefully you will have Alexander in your arms once again - what a lovely name.
Some of us have lost at an early stage, some of us have lost at a later stage, some of us have lost due to natural causes, some of us have lost due to errors by others, circumstances may be different but ‘ultimately’ we ladies all have one thing in common….. we lost our baby!
Sending you love and big hug.

@Lillygolightly thinking of you and Alexander. Your thoughts, well we completely get them. We’ve all expressed how it feels our angels have no one there so ofc we understand. Sending you love and hugs this week. We will all never forget they are forever remembered.

@Monkhouse2022 how are you feeling with the Rona and your poor hand?

Ladies we went to our local display and it was just beautiful could be quite outing but photo attached. And you’ll just never guess what when we walked up to it there was a rainbow in the sky! Our girls name is on the board in the middle with all the other little babies. Was quite overwhelming. They had chalks there and there was all pink and blue hearts on the floor for you to write your babies name so my daughter wrote her sisters name in a pink heart. I thought of you all and our babies.

Good morning dear angel 😇 mamas😘!

I just dropped my kiddos to school, grabbed my coffee and animal cookies 😆and came here to share with you few things.

Silence...
Empty house...
I can do what I want...
It was something I prayed for few years ago when my youngest asked for a boobie every 3h...and now when God listened to my prayers and gave me silence, I desire newborn's cry...

There's nothing wrong with God.
He listened to my prayers!
And I beleive in him more than anything after my loss, even though I don't understand why it happened.

@Lillygolightly welcome back.
Glad to have you here sharing.
Do join us and update us how you're doing and how's life going.

Like you, I also believe with all my heart that we'll meet our babies in heaven; yes, I'm sure you'll meet Alexander 😍...
I'm not afraid of dying now too...of course I do wish to live and watch my living kids, see their kids, etc. But I'm also waiting to hug my boy on the other side.

You painted a beautiful picture of him with your words. And you know what? He's watching you from above.😘

The same like your girls @Monkhouse2022 and @Vie8126 - they're there, always near you, in your heart and in your mind, in the 🌈, in the rain, in the sunlight, in your dreams.

@Monkhouse2022 how's your hand? I was thinking about you. Still isolating or getting closer to ds? Please eat well and ne kind to yourself.

@Vie8126 lovely photo! I'm sure writing your daughter's name with the chalk and putting a heart with her name makes it all more real. Honestly I'd love to do it for my boy.

And girl, respect!
You became a mama at 19?! And then break-up and being single mom ...
I look up to you.
At 19 I had parties and uni in my head and was spoilt and selfish brat still!

My first boy was born when I was 28.
Old!
But I was overwhelmed.
Like you, never held a baby, no babies in the family so holding him, changing, dealing with gad and colic was a really hard time. But once I developed a routine, I started to love it.
But guess what?
When he started crawling and walking, and me sat at home alone, again I was crying to God --- to give me my freedom and job back...yeah I got it for 5 years and never actually planned no.2, but once we moved to Dubai coz of my job, I've learnt the value of friends and family in that community, and all us girls at work, besties, got pregnant almost at the same time.

Then the same drama - God I want freedom!
Went back to work, life got busy...
Never thought of no.3 until they called me for a swab and then had a colposcopy with biopsy (suspected cervical cancer). I promise myself that if my results won't be cancer, I'd have one more baby.

They also told me if I want a baby, it's now or never...and then it hit me I want no.3, no matter what... and not that bloody job, career and free time!

No. 3 came 1 month after our decision...
He came fast and was gone fast...
I couldn't even embrace it all.

No. 4 is not happening either.
In 7 days AF is about to come.
Have no symptoms of anything.
Just yesterday when coming back from a dentist, I started singing to myself "there's gonna be a baby, baby, baby, babyyyy...."

Lol

And how ironic!
My dentist has just had a daughter.
Nothing special...until he told me he named her Sarah...
Just few posts ago I mentioned that's the name for my baby girl...

Then in Primark, the baby section and pregnant women again came my way!
Never noticed these before (!!!) and now like an enchanted I scour through the shelves, touch those rompers and fluffy onsies, imagine what I'd buy for my boy that would never be.

I even imagine I'm pregnant now and shopping for my new baby...

Silly.
Pathetic.
But I indulge myself.

And I feel happy despite all this misery.
I also feel a bit guilty that I'm still standing, smiling, going to sleep expressing gratitude to God.

What a long post.
Sorry!
After my dentist I just probably still have too much cortisol 😂, some toothache, and I had a sleepless night because of my snoring hubby...so millions of thoughts were running through my head and I just needed to get it out of me...

Sending 😍
And I'd love to go to the seaside 🌊@Vie8126 !

My favourite quote and my favourite Winnie

Hey Ladies finally tested negative this morning. My ds was at nursery this morning but when he returned gave him lots of cuddles - holding back on the kisses for now. Mind over mattter with this rona.
Just have a dry cough now but my hand is still rather painful. Over time it should start to heal.
Had my therapy sess today it was good. Therapist said it must be tough this week beings its BLA, my answer was its tough every week and this week is no different.
Yesterday I fell apart and crying uncontrollably thinking about my daugther would have been in my arms next month. I wanted to whail out loudly but covered my mouth didn’t want husband to hear me. I know I can’t bring back my baby but thats all that keeps running through my mind ‘I want her’. Why is my heart & mind refusing to understand and accept. Its like I’m in a constant battle with myself. Keep blaming myself over & over again. I simply didn’t do enough no matter what anyone says to me. Why o why did the hospital not help me!!!!

@Monkhouse2022 so happy you're better; glad you're having therapy for your hand and showering your little one with kisses.

AF expected on Wednesday...
My mood shows it.
I was crying 😢 yesterday so much holding my son's keepsake box.
I again stared at his foot and handprints.
I wish I had known about incompetent cervix, had gone to the hospital early, got a chance to be checked and got a stitch...
I was blissfully unaware!

Due date in less than 3 weeks...and I haven't rven visited the cemetery since 1,5 month coz daily activities keeps us so busy or sick...

@Vie8126 how are you?
@Lillygolightly how's life for you these days?

🤗ssending hugs...

Today at 7pm light your candle (wave of light!) 🔥

Dr. Shefali speaking nice things...I'm trying to sink in the present...

www.facebook.com/reel/475653981255546?s=yWDuG2&fs=e

Wave of light...for all our babies lost too soon.
#blaw2022

Ladies!
Am I getting crazy 🤪 or is there a line?
I can swear to God there's a faint line!!!😥

I'm just 11dpo...
Very very early...

But was so super hungry (only ate lamb curry for 2 days!), super crampy, and with sore boobs...
Also some nausea...
I dismissed all the symptoms and wasn't testing coz my body loves to produce "faux-symltoms", but there's a line...

Something poked me inside and I went to grotty toilet (@Vie8126 ), took a cheapie...and...

...

@MomLostInTheClouds Its a very faint line, maybe test in 2 days to see if more prominent. Could be promising keeping my fx!!! Keep us posted.
I’m due AF 2-3 days, no symptoms so I’m defo out and onto next cycle.

@MomLostInTheClouds I can see it I can see it! I would say wait hold out and test in a few days but we all know you will test again today - we have entered the time of manically pissing on sticks! Soooo show us todays…..

AF for me is due anytime from 21st to 25th I’m feeling like @Monkhouse2022 and thinking I am out this month don’t feel that we managed enough.

I hope everyone is ok with BLAW coming to an end I lit my candle and remembered all our babies.

Ladies!
Of course first thing in the morning was...testing...!

I just can't beleive that 1 time in the peak could make it...

More visible line!!!!
On both pregnancy and LH test (you know that in most bfp the ladies have LH line the same as control and it also showed like in all them positives!)...

And of course I didn't sleep whole night...
🤔

I forgot the photo!

Omg @MomLostInTheClouds it’s definitely there!!!! Have you told dh? How are you feeling? It’s so amazing