Trying to cope with late miscarriage at 18 weeks😪

[MomLostInTheClouds]

Hallo there,

I've been here for a while and read hundreds of similar stories like mine...
It helped me not to feel so alienated with my loss (never knew there's such a thing like late miscarriage!), but still - it hasn't soothed my pain.

I literally can't understand what had happened (it's raw, just 2.5 weeks ago, with burial on last Friday and follow up appointment with the consultant still to be scheduled after my bloods and placenta results come back; we didn't opt for PM).

I'm 39, have 2 healthy boys (thank God, they keep me sane!) and generally healthy. Before getting pregnant I had my bloods done too and everything (but low vitamin D which I supplemented) was fine. I used to be treated for hypothyroidism, but my TSH and whole thyroid profile came good too. I also lost some weight before (I have always been big, but managed to stay fit and did my zumba workouts religiously).

Got green light to get pregnant and couldn't believe it happened so fast. In a month we saw 2 lines! I was over the moon imagining a little dumpling joining our family, reorganised the rooms up to have space for nursery and dreamt of a newborn's smell...

Everything was like in the 2 previous pregnancies: intensive morning sickness up to 13th week, food aversions, fatigue, etc. The only thing different was yellowish discharge, but since I had no itching, burning or any other symptoms, I was told it is normal.

I was putting on weight, bump was becoming more visible and I could feel his first flutters. What a feeling!

Wednesday, 1st of June (International Children's Day)... things started to get weird.

I woke up very tired and in the night felt pain all over my tummy and found it hard to breathe - like pain in my lungs. Put it down to sleeping too long on the right side and getting bigger. Went to the toilet to find light pink discharge on my panties. Again, a bit puzzled, but when I wiped, there was nothing so again, tried not to worry and spent time with kiddos watching cartoons, playing, eating. Seemingly a normal day of a pregnant tired mommy...

Now I think that it wasn't normal as my gut feeling kept on telling me I haven't really felt baby flutters in a long time (put it down to feeling under the weather and being busy with kids). Then period like cramping started to creep in making me unable to stand. I also felt some pressure in my pelvis which was quite familiar from previous pregnancies, so again, went on with my day. By the evening, I was knackered and went early to sleep even though I wiped a lot of brown discharge during my last toilet visit.

2 am. Sharp abdominal pain and literally labor like contractions coming and going made me jump out of the bed, get dressed and grab my pregnancy file. I ran down to my husband to arrange going to the hospital. Just wanted to visit the toilet thinking it was a sudden bowel movement... but after sitting there for 2-3 minutes, no pushing... a baby and blood popped out of me. I could not believe it. Shaking I looked down and felt the umbilical cord and another gush of blood. Then I just remember my husband calling for ambulance and being rushed to the hospital with a paramedic holding my sleeping bundle of joy.

The reality hit me in the hospital bed. I was struggling to deliver my placenta when my little boy (perfect!) was brought to me in a tiny white basket covered with a crocheted blue blanket, and when they started to take his foot prints and our photos, and handed me a memory box. Holding this memory box and my wee boy on my chest shouted out loud to me that IT IS OVER!

Why?
Why... how?
So fast...?
With few warning signs?
In 1 day?
All over?
All my hopes, dreams...taken away.
Buried.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
WHAT DID I DO?!

Was it because I have a cat?
Did I get toxoplasmosis? (Was cleaning her litter box)
Was it that Mc Donald's meal I had few hours ago?
Or was it the last coffee? (I SHOULDN'T HAVE DRUNK COFFEE!)
Was it my age?
My weight?
Some other infection in the womb?
Placenta?

...

There are days I still feel pregnant.
I still rub my tummy.
I see my baby in front of my eyes and cry everyday.
I see his little coffin.
I see his little clothes (his first clothes for the hospital arrived just the day before! He was supposed to leave the hospital in them...Alive!)
And I don't know when I'll get over it.
Even if I should get over it.
When I laugh, I feel guilty.
But for my kids, I smile and wipe my tears on my sleeves so they don't see me down.
And I feel terrible to be wanting another baby, to even try to ttc again...
If I could, I'd love to be pregnant now...(?!)

Don't know how to cope, really.
The feeling that I should have gone to the hospital just to check, hunts me and produces 'what if' scenarios in my head.

Venting here...
Trying to calm down...while waiting for my results (and maybe some answers; hoping it won't be 'one of these bad luck cases').

Feeling 100kg lighter.

Anyone else going through this?

It's me again...😊

@Monkhouse2022 thank you for being here...
Don't say you're out until AF...
Early pregnancy 🤰🏼 and PMS are the same for me...
If not the BFP...I guess...(still can't believe (!!!)), I'd say I'm getting my period!
How many dpo are you?
I tested negative on 9 and 10, and only yesterday on 11 something started to come! And 12 today is quite evident, more now than in the morning (yeah, they say morning urine is the best, but for me the further the better lol).

@Vie8126 lol, you knew I'll be peeing obsessively on the sticks, didn't you?! Yeah girl, there's a line! I'm not mad...naaaah
How many dpo for you?

I've taken another test and the line is even darker pink...
12dpo...
Until 14-15 it should be more purple.

***

My lower abdomen hurt me whole night.
Something like period cramps, but not exactly...
Now also some strange pain.
I felt like needles on my left and some poking on the right.

Boobs...boobs...they made me first suspect something was off 2 days ago...especially the left signals something lol (in the previous pregnancies mostly the left hurt me).

And this appetite...
Never eat lamb, especially hell spicy lamb curry, but it's the 3rd day...including eating at 22 at night...

I feel like my stomach is upset too...
Weird...
Like nausea, but not the proper one.

And this feeling...I'm pregnant.
Told you I had it since few days and sang songs that "there's gonna be a baby..."...
Crazy staff, but there's some instinct I guess!

I'm writing this so that you @Vie8126 and @Monkhouse2022 and all the mamas that "play the waiting game" are on the outlook for these symptoms.

***
Hubby came from work.
He saw banana smile on my face.
We talked and then I winked at him and showed him a pregnant belly in the air.

He thought I'm joking!
Then when I came back form school run, he hugged me and had this stupid smile too.

I told him how much I'm afraid, but he kept on smiling...

I guess we both naively believe (what a leap of faith!) that this time around there'll be a baby 😌...

I cried with happiness and fear when making my breakfast!

I'm wishing you all good luck.
Baby dust....... ....... 🧚‍♀️....... ........

I wanted to give up in November.

And I do recommend First Vue Poundland ovulating sticks... £1 and they exactly showed my high and my peak, and even we didn't dtd exactly during ovulation (few hours before), it seems this one time was miraculously enough!!!!!

Ok ok ok...
Breakfast and bath in Epsom salts...
Need to calm down...

Especially that my due date would be in June (3 weeks after I lost my boy...)...and there's a great chance that if I carry close to term (37, 38 were my boys), I'll give birth exactly around 2.06...

@MomLostInTheClouds I wish I knew how many days but I don’t know when I ovulated! Cycle can be as little as 24 days but last month I had a standard 28 days so hence my ambiguous my period could be due here or here 🤪 I had some intense pains and cramps at the weekend (implantation?!) I feel I am teaching though. I’ll just have to wait and see now. I feel calmer than I did last month like peaceful about it. Talk to me in a few days and let’s see if it stays that way 😂

I am so so thrilled for you like so thrilled!

*reaching bloody autocorrect

Just checked again period could be from Thursday this week to Monday according to my health app

@Vie8126 yeah, can be implantation! I also felt these yesterday and the day before.

I feel super calm, so relaxed.
Emotional, but on another level...

Will have to call my bereavement midwife soon...she told me I'd join the Rainbow 🌈 clinic at around 6 weeks...so soon!

Hubby brought me chocolate fudge cake and we celebrated 😍.

Bloody autocorrect made me write ovulating sticks not ovulation sticks 😂lol as if the sticks were ovulating 🤔

Enjoy your cake it’s certainly needed!! I’m glad they will get you in early. Can you even believe it yet and how many more tests will you be doing?!

@MomLostInTheClouds congrats!!!!! So happy for you x

Morning ladies,

Any news, any changes?
@Monkhouse2022 have you retested? 😋Any symptoms? Or AF on the way?
@Vie8126 are you testing in the grotty toilet? Little bird told me you do!🤪

I see that from 11dpo the line does show even on the cheapies.

Me...of course I tested, and tested and tested...line is prominent and pink today.
13dpo...

BFP?!
Is it really what it is?!?!?!?!??!?!
One good shot, one deed...

*
To cheer you up, my older son caught me staring at the stick in the morning and taking millions of photos of it.

He came close and asked:

"What's this? Is it a baby detector?"😂😅

I burst out laughing...and confirmed it's the baby detector!

He asked me straightforward if there's really really really a new baby in my tummy.
He hugged me and said he's afraid I miscarry again...

I told him it can happen, indeed, and we should be ready for any outcome. I wait myself already for blood...go and wipe and wipe and wipe...

And at 2am I went to pee (I feel cramps all the time...!) and there was some pinkish discharge (first I thought: miscarriage..., but then I remembered that the same thing happened with my boy, and it's probably implantation bleeding only...).

I'm so ready to miscarry.
I've planned everything in case I would...
I have plan A and plan B.

Is not that I'm worried. Or scared.
Like @Monkhouse2022 I'm numb, ready, realistic (not really negative).
Guilty?
How would my baby boy feel knowing he's being replaced?

*
We decided to keep it a secret (and not to tell my youngest...I don't want to confuse him like last time...not yet).

So only you guys, and my son and dh know.

I won't tell friends and family at least till 20-22 weeks...or longer...I show early coz I'm big so will be covering the bump with winter jackets, blouses and sweaters.

I can only hope that this bean will stick...

Pray for me, for both of us - me and the bean.

It'll be an exciting, but scary journey...😌

@MomLostInTheClouds haha well you won’t believe this but I am holding out on the testing, I know I know who even am I?! We have had a lot on the last week and it’s flown and I haven’t given it time to think. I reckon I could even hold out to Monday if I’m honest. I did text my midwife last week and she never responded re my blood results so I might text again tomorrow.

And girl we told you it only takes that one time!!!! That’s why @Monkhouse2022 snd I ordered you to dtd before he went away!

You’re not replacing your son he is his own person and you have separate memories of him. This is a new person your sons sibling🥰 I know you know all this but don’t feel like he is being replaced and feel guilt for that because that’s not the case lovely. I can imagine these feelings are hard to navigate too so sending big hugs.

oh I am praying for you both so bloody much I really truly am.

I am all for keeping it to yourselves like your own little special secret. Love the wardrobe ideas too oversized all the way thankfully it’s the fashion! Nicole Appleton I think from All Saints (really showing my age now!) kept her entire pregnancy a secret. I love the idea of that just surprise here’s a baby.

@Monkhouse2022 how are you post covid? Enjoying lots of cuddles with your ds I hope. Sending you love and lots of fingers crossed for you this week xxx

@MomLostInTheClouds its exciting you are pregnant. Think our cycle the same. I was due today but yesterday I had like brownish then pinkish discharge thinking it was implantation (I had spotting for few days when I was due at my last pregnancy). Anyhow today there is light bleeding and I have belly ache so will likely turn to full flow later today. I am gutted to say the least.
I was very upset yesterday in the office and had to have a good old cry in the toilets. Another girl in office pregnant and she found out she was having a girl so full blown convo out loudly amongst everyone about the pregnancy. They know very well about my situation but I was not expecting them to keep quiet around me but bit more sensitive . Plus Im due on so bit emotional too.

Ladies,
I just want to apologise for not being sensitive enough with you and positing all these tests, symptoms...

If I upset you, forgive me.
I was in such a shock and disbelief that I might not have been thinking clearly.

We all lost babies, we all wanted a BFP and a baby, and popping out with all these news might of made you feel uncomfortable.

If so...I'm sending hugs and sincere apologies.

Honestly if it happened to you, I'll be jumping up with happiness, and I'm hoping to jump soon!

@Vie8126 noooo? If you're not testing then you really must be busy out there!
Sometimes when we accept what life is and enjoy it, miracles start to happen...

I know I'm not replacing him, but the feeling of guilt isn't leaving me.

I'll be going to the cemetery soon, and going there preggers would probably make me super emotional.
I'll be preparing balloons 🎈 and my kids will fly them up to heaven hopefully, buying a tiny cake🎂 and trying to celebrate 🎉 what could have been his "birthday".

Girls, I just sat in the kitchen and cried.
No reason and not feeling sad.
I sobbed for like 1h...🙄
Peeled veggies and almost vomited on them...food aversions start...yikes...
And like minutes before I was happy-go-lucky, walking in the sunshine...beautiful autumn is here this year!

@Monkhouse2022 people are like this...unfortunately... and I don't blame them coz those who haven't experienced a miscarriage or child loss, won't get our emotions.

I still meet people who roll their eyes 👀 hearing we lost the baby and making their stupid comments like: "you're uterus wasn't ready", "you're too old", "there must be some medical explanation", "don't make this mistake again", "no more babies for you, get a better job"...

I know it hurts though.

So good you had a cry in the toilets 😶.
I hoped it helped.

Ladies, my cat is 🤪!
She's a raunchy meowing peeing machine (having longest peeing streak!) and she has been spraying our house with her urine to attract a furry fluffy baby daddy.
I have extra cleaning and washing.
And this smell makes me...😫

@MomLostInTheClouds please dnt feel you upset me with your news. I am so happy for you.
Have you tested again?

@Monkhouse2022 lol no, I haven't. I'll test tomorrow of course!
My new hobby 😂 apart from cleaning my horny cat's-in-heat pee.

Is it AF?
How's the bleeding now?
I told you, I was also bleeding with pinkish and brownish in the night.
So I'm so curious how's that with you?😘

@Monkhouse2022 I am sorry you had to listen to that I can’t imagine how hard it was to hear. Also sorry to hear it wasn’t your month. I’ll be joining your club I’m positive AF is on the way already. Of course you would be emotional AF or not that would make anyone that’s been through what you have severely emotional. Sending you hugs xxx

@MomLostInTheClouds no upset here either I am so so happy for you and it is so nice to hear your joy and to be here for you.

Well my ds is coming up to 15 months and is just well everywhere and into everything add to the mix our cockerpoo! For example I was just trying to clean the floor ds is emptying the cupboards and throwing stuff out on the floor and the dog was chewing ds toys and chasing me around barking (he hates the hoover!) just manic! I am laughing at the horny cat antics haha. She can likely sense the change in your hormones might be making her extra broody!

However saying all that maybe I will get an early pink dye test in town on Thursday if af don’t turn up (back to the grotty toilets ladies!) if I do get one I’ll try to hold out to Friday morning (who am I kidding….)

morning sickness is the worse who came up with the notion it was just the morning mines always been all day. I was pregnant with our dd on my birthday this year and we went out to a theatre show and I had to have snacks to keep it at bay and then after wards for dinner dp offered me a million different varieties of food and restaurants and I just didn’t know what I wanted! Was pregnant my birthday before that with ds and if we get successful any time soon I’ll be pregnant next year on my birthday too.

Hey Ladies I don’t know whats happening with AF. I’ve got very light bleed….. TMI with bit sticky brown discharge. I did do an ovulation test this morning as didnt have HPT but that was clearly negative. Normally I start off light and then hours later medium - heavy flow. My mind going into overdrive. I just want AF to arrive or could it be peri-menopause about to start now that would really really upset me.

@Monkhouse2022 menopause? Com on...can't be. I know that sometimes our periods are all over the place...but menopause?!

Me and @Vie8126 also thought we were peri-menopausal (@Vie8126 chase the Midwife for your results), but wait...do you have:

*hot flashes,
*insomnia,
*shorter cycles (less than 24 days) and shorter periods (less than 2 days?),
*problems with skin, menopausal skin, brown patches, etc.,
*excessive sweating,
*brain fog,
*weight gain,
*excessive facial hair,
*muscle atrophy?

If more than 5 are present, it can be peri-menopause...just.

I think it's just stress and grief.

When I was stressing out over conception, my cycles became crazy, periods painful and short (back in August).

What do you think?
@Vie8126 advise what blood test can be done to check it.

Magnesium regulated my anxiety, cramps.

@MomLostInTheClouds haha yr so funny. Going through that list and can’t say I have 5 but I am struggling to sleep but thats because I keep thinking about trying for baby plus… maybe brain fog. Have so much running through my mind sometimes I become forgetful.
Or maybe bloody rona has messed my AF. I mean I tested positive for rona on the day I peaked on opk.
Yes @Vie8126 whats the update with you my dear.
Oh @MomLostInTheClouds I really hope your pregnancy sticks fx. There is hope for us.

@Monkhouse2022 😂
Yeah, rona could screw things up.
It messes up your systems.
When you don't ovulate, it can happen that you don't get a period. So maybe it messed up with your ovulation?

As for menopause, when my GP started to go through such list when I went to push to check me again for prolapse (only these points I remember lol, have brain fog all the time though!!!), I was sure I wasn't peri-menopausal yet😆and trust me, we laughed there too...
And we joked with @Vie8126 over menopausal skin 😐(scary thing, googled it, lol I'm not growing a beard yet lol).

Anyways, my GP was right that I'm fertile (she kept on repeating:"you're fertile, you're fertile, nothing is wrong with you, just try again"... without any tests, as if she saw it in her crystal ball!).
😂

Speaking of insomnia...
3rd night sleepless...
Overthinking.
Excited...
And these cramps again...
Wonder if it's normal.😶
Agrh...

I can't believe it!
Tbh sometimes I feel like it's the previous pregnancy continuing only.

Sending hugs🤗

@Monkhouse2022 def not menopause! Have you managed to get a hpt or have you got af in full flow. So test wise I just asked my dr for a full rundown of bloods for menopause based on my age they checked Lh and thyroid but other than that I can’t tell you what else it involved so if you wanted to call GP and ask just say your age and menopause and hormone levels and I’m sure you’ll get the same tests.

I can concur that menopausal skin is a scary thing!!! I don’t have the beard….yet!

@MomLostInTheClouds hows your test looking today? I’m cramping today hmmmm period could be due tomorrow. Dp text me yest ‘do you think your up the duff then’ always a way with the words 🤣🤣

had a vvvip meeting this morn which went amazing so we’ve been out for brunch and I may have had a mimosa and espresso martini already today in denial that I could even be PG. my response to Dp yest was ‘not a chance’

I’ve been having some really odd vivid dreams this last week what’s that about?!

I had cramps with my ds so please please don’t worry!!!

@Vie8126 maybe something is up?
I'm still cramping...every night.
Like AF just dull.
4th day!

Vivid dreams and super salivation are the extra symptoms I got (and nobody mentions them) so girl...leave that martini, just to be on the safe side.

14dpo, line is beautiful.
Today I'm 4 weeks 1 day.🤔
Pinch me, I don't believe it!

Ladies, I feel heaviness in my legs, like in my calves. It's killing me...
What's this????😫

@MomLostInTheClouds im convinced I’m out this month and I am the first to say to anyone you’re not out until AF. Mmm shall I test Friday? Or tomorrow? What would you do 😜

omg look at that line!!!!!! Well girl you are defo ‘up the duff’ 🤣 eeeeeek

@MomLostInTheClouds what tests are you using?!

@Vie8126 I almost choked with my samosa lol (looks like this pregnancy I'd be into Indian food oh lol)...
Yeah, I'm up the duff😂....
And so thinks my raunchy cat who adopts and licks all possible plushies and pees on my husband's clothes and shoes with broody meows (he joked hell throw her...lol).

I used all them cheapies, but guess what?
Poundland £1 sticks (3 in 1 pack) detect anything earlier than unbranded pharmacy FRERs!

Then I used Morissons' own brand and the Coop's.

Run to Pounland girl 😂.
Grotty toilet is waiting for you!

Yeah, @Monkhouse2022 , how are you?
How's AF? Proper bleeding or still light one?
And how are you today?🤗