Trying to cope with late miscarriage at 18 weeks😪

[MomLostInTheClouds]

Hallo there,

I've been here for a while and read hundreds of similar stories like mine...
It helped me not to feel so alienated with my loss (never knew there's such a thing like late miscarriage!), but still - it hasn't soothed my pain.

I literally can't understand what had happened (it's raw, just 2.5 weeks ago, with burial on last Friday and follow up appointment with the consultant still to be scheduled after my bloods and placenta results come back; we didn't opt for PM).

I'm 39, have 2 healthy boys (thank God, they keep me sane!) and generally healthy. Before getting pregnant I had my bloods done too and everything (but low vitamin D which I supplemented) was fine. I used to be treated for hypothyroidism, but my TSH and whole thyroid profile came good too. I also lost some weight before (I have always been big, but managed to stay fit and did my zumba workouts religiously).

Got green light to get pregnant and couldn't believe it happened so fast. In a month we saw 2 lines! I was over the moon imagining a little dumpling joining our family, reorganised the rooms up to have space for nursery and dreamt of a newborn's smell...

Everything was like in the 2 previous pregnancies: intensive morning sickness up to 13th week, food aversions, fatigue, etc. The only thing different was yellowish discharge, but since I had no itching, burning or any other symptoms, I was told it is normal.

I was putting on weight, bump was becoming more visible and I could feel his first flutters. What a feeling!

Wednesday, 1st of June (International Children's Day)... things started to get weird.

I woke up very tired and in the night felt pain all over my tummy and found it hard to breathe - like pain in my lungs. Put it down to sleeping too long on the right side and getting bigger. Went to the toilet to find light pink discharge on my panties. Again, a bit puzzled, but when I wiped, there was nothing so again, tried not to worry and spent time with kiddos watching cartoons, playing, eating. Seemingly a normal day of a pregnant tired mommy...

Now I think that it wasn't normal as my gut feeling kept on telling me I haven't really felt baby flutters in a long time (put it down to feeling under the weather and being busy with kids). Then period like cramping started to creep in making me unable to stand. I also felt some pressure in my pelvis which was quite familiar from previous pregnancies, so again, went on with my day. By the evening, I was knackered and went early to sleep even though I wiped a lot of brown discharge during my last toilet visit.

2 am. Sharp abdominal pain and literally labor like contractions coming and going made me jump out of the bed, get dressed and grab my pregnancy file. I ran down to my husband to arrange going to the hospital. Just wanted to visit the toilet thinking it was a sudden bowel movement... but after sitting there for 2-3 minutes, no pushing... a baby and blood popped out of me. I could not believe it. Shaking I looked down and felt the umbilical cord and another gush of blood. Then I just remember my husband calling for ambulance and being rushed to the hospital with a paramedic holding my sleeping bundle of joy.

The reality hit me in the hospital bed. I was struggling to deliver my placenta when my little boy (perfect!) was brought to me in a tiny white basket covered with a crocheted blue blanket, and when they started to take his foot prints and our photos, and handed me a memory box. Holding this memory box and my wee boy on my chest shouted out loud to me that IT IS OVER!

Why?
Why... how?
So fast...?
With few warning signs?
In 1 day?
All over?
All my hopes, dreams...taken away.
Buried.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
WHAT DID I DO?!

Was it because I have a cat?
Did I get toxoplasmosis? (Was cleaning her litter box)
Was it that Mc Donald's meal I had few hours ago?
Or was it the last coffee? (I SHOULDN'T HAVE DRUNK COFFEE!)
Was it my age?
My weight?
Some other infection in the womb?
Placenta?

...

There are days I still feel pregnant.
I still rub my tummy.
I see my baby in front of my eyes and cry everyday.
I see his little coffin.
I see his little clothes (his first clothes for the hospital arrived just the day before! He was supposed to leave the hospital in them...Alive!)
And I don't know when I'll get over it.
Even if I should get over it.
When I laugh, I feel guilty.
But for my kids, I smile and wipe my tears on my sleeves so they don't see me down.
And I feel terrible to be wanting another baby, to even try to ttc again...
If I could, I'd love to be pregnant now...(?!)

Don't know how to cope, really.
The feeling that I should have gone to the hospital just to check, hunts me and produces 'what if' scenarios in my head.

Venting here...
Trying to calm down...while waiting for my results (and maybe some answers; hoping it won't be 'one of these bad luck cases').

Feeling 100kg lighter.

Anyone else going through this?

Interesting!
I'm educating myself and wanted to share especially with you @Vie8126 as we both thought we're peri-menopausal.

I peed on the stick, of course, and today the test line is faint. Does it mean that I'm ovulating today? 🤔
Geee, I'm hoping the swimmers from yesterday will survive...😂

Anyways, I knew this month wouldn't count...😣

@MomLostInTheClouds haha that made me laugh last night I managed to get ds down in his cot was like right then dp let’s get to it he was like what now right now there’s me erm yep quick before he wakes up oh ever the romantic! Is it bad I don’t even care if it’s over quick or if it’s enjoyable or any lead up just get in and get it done 😳🤣 ds woke up about 30 mins later 🤣

have you had your LH levels checked? Mine were part of my full blood work yesterday so I should get some results by the end of the week I’ll chase my midwife come Monday.

I never did Google the skin thing the midwife said to me I must check that out.

no help with the line today but I do know they last and I also know to get a girl you dtd before ovulation (I have 3 boys and 1 daughter well 2 but you know what I mean) I’d love another girl also but what will be will be.

I would have likely had our dd on her due date with my ds I had sweeps from 37 weeks and a due date induction only as they classed me as old and wouldn’t let me go over. She could have been here now any day.

@Vie8126 lol for years I knew mostly quickies with the babies waking up anytime ... how exciting!

I haven't had my LH levels checked, but now when I was enjoying peeing on the sticks (oh hell yeah!), I could clearly see when I have LH peak and ovulate so I'm not peri-menopausal I believe😜not reaching peak and being all the time high can mean it.

Update us once you have all your results. Maybe it would guide us what to pay attention to/check/ask for.

Man, I checked menopause skin...better don't check lol, I don't have it either.😶

Our babies would be almost with us...True. Of course Bounty app reminded me that I'd be 36 weeks today.

I feel so afraid in these days.

Like I don't want to do this anymore.

Really ...

I feel I want to be on the safe side and not go to the unknown...

Ladies I am livid. Its my fertile window and Ive got rona. No thanks to a colleague at work who still chose to come in to work knowing fully well she was positive. How inconsiderate

@Monkhouse2022 Oh crap...rona is nasty. 2 years ago it got me and it was really bad...the cough, no sense of taste or smell and everything tasted as if sprayed with chemicals!

Take vit. C, D, Omega 3, zinc - all anti-inflammatory and clove oil helps with cough and breathing. Use a humidifier. It can may your airways very dry and painful.

Ladies, I just wanted to THANK YOU for being here!

You're amazing, always here, always understand and always reply!😍

Why I can't thank you enough?
Today my friend after I told her how I feel (sad, stressed, missing my baby) told me to go to see a psychiatrist coz according to her I'm overreacting and should be OK by now!!!

I'm not ok.
I'm not!
And it's even worse coz my both kids are very sick...and I'm double worried coz I know after my loss that things can change in an eyeblink...

Older one got an allergic reaction to antibiotic and we spent whole evening (alone, husband unavailable as you know) in the A&E (rash is under control , at least now).

Younger (started reception) coughs since 5 weeks, has neverending snots and today came back like a zombie with eyes filled with puss and it's pink eye/conjunctivitis!!!!!

I'm a nurse at night, shuffling between syroups and medicines, and yesterday I didn't sleep at all sitting by my older son and observing him...

In my head he was dying, getting anaphylaxis, sepsis, meningitis, and it was probably only petichiae from the allergic reaction, but yeah, I'm afraid, so sensitive about my kids...I wouldn't handle any more loss!

So coming here, makes me feel normal.
My feelings are validated.
And immediately I'm better...
Because you're here and because your hurt and thorn apart like me.

Love you!

@Monkhouse2022 do take care, stay positive and hopefully fertile days won't be wasted (like in my case...).

I still believe we will have our 🌈 babies ...even though I feel like giving up...

@Vie8126 are you being "productive"? Ds allowing you?😝

@MomLostInTheClouds You poor thing with both kids poorly, hope they have a speedy recovery. I so understand when you say about trying again and experience another loss and whether to focus on here and now, the present.
No you should not be OK as your friend put it. Maybe you need counselling.
I had my sess well it was an assessmnt so will know for sure nxt week if this type of therapy will help me. You should explore this avenue.
I spoke to fertility clinic about stimulated iui cycle but in two minds if I really want to try again. Im scared and have anxiety about it.
I peaked yesterday and dtd and ideally should be dtd today but with rona no chance Im gutted. Plus have had lots of discharge and ovulation pain on my right side so there goes this month. Keep thinking next month I would have be bringing my baby girl home!!!

@Monkhouse2022 nooo that is so selfish of your colleague it’s like people don’t remember the last few years. I had rona 6 weeks after I had my ds it was awful felt like crap and all I could smell was chlorine lost my smell after that for months. 6 week old ds got it in the end too and was super poorly and now has asthma convinced it was Rona!! How are you feeling? I really hope you only have it mildly.

@MomLostInTheClouds i checked menopause skin too but I did notice some little brown spots on my hands…hmmm don’t have to wait long now for my results I’ll check in with midwife Monday. Sorry your boys are poorly I remember when mine started school and they seemed to come home with every bug going it’s hard graft esp alone. Sending hugs. You know no matter what it is no matter the hour you can always post here and we will come back to you 🥰 so never feel entirely alone.

as for your friend well no you are not overreacting at all!!! I am truly shocked at some of the reactions and responses from people like sssh don’t tell anyone how you actually feel as they will think you are crazy nuts etc. I don’t really speak to my dad all that much (long story) but I spoke to him yesterday and I said about my mums response and he said ‘oh yeh your miscarriage’ said to him yes I know that’s the correct term but she was a baby a teeny tiny baby yes but fully formed and only a matter of weeks from being able to live should I had gone into labour and he seemed like he got it a bit more I don’t know.

You describe ‘The fear’ I had this really bad would lay in bed worrying about my children seeing car crashes, work accidents where they electrocuted themselves or lost fingers and arms truly horrific stuff. Didn’t help that the last bank holiday in May my oldest had a really bad car accident he rolled his car several times into a ditch on a country road late at night. He walked away without so much as a scratch what a lucky boy. His baby sister was definitely looking over him that night that’s for sure. But that then sent the fear into a whole new orbit!! I’m not pushing medication as what works for one may not anyone else but my ADs have taken a huge edge of that feeling massively.

I am also grateful for you all!!!

haha well… I’ve cracked down a little on ds! Our bedtime routine was a bit lapse so back to dinner bath little play story bottle and bed. We also realised that ds has been waking so much since the switch to cows milk at age 1 so went out and got some toddler formula. He isn’t a big eater and is waking some nights asking for a bottle more than he did as a newborn so gave him a nice big bottle of formula before bed. He went thru 7:30 to 2am in his cot!! Hoping it’s just a habit waking and we can sort it in a few nights. Af disappeared Saturday so we managed to dtd Sunday Monday Tuesday and Thursday haven’t purchased any ov strips yet but have a look on Amazon today.

@Vie8126 I know very selfish I am fuming to say the least. I’m feeling so fatigue, coughing alot, lumpy throat, had the shivers and bad headaches - not sure if you call that mild but I feel awful. Trying to stay away from my toddler but husband saying whats the point. Ive had it for past few days without realising.

@MomLostInTheClouds we are here for you. Like you said to me before shout, scream say whatever we want on here. Ultimately we are in the same boat.

Ladies, I am in two minds about trying. Yes I am yearning for another but can I go through it all again - never know next time I could jeopardise my own health. Are you both feeling like me?!

@Monkhouse2022 I know how you feel I wore a mask around ds when I had it but untimely he got it anyway. I hope your toddler escapes. Some times people don’t get it was me, ds and my dd who were all covid positive but my older ds and dp never ever had it. My dd had it again recently and she was the only one who tested positive that time. Dp and I even shared a bed still and he had to do some of the care for ds as he was so tiny and still never got it!

oh I completely feel the same it’s like a huge distraction for me but the thought of a positive test is terrifying me. I know it won’t be well received and I think what am I doing but I can’t help myself. I don’t know. Bereavement midwife said it’s normal and also to contact her if I get a positive result asap and they will immediately put my care plan in place with extra scans. Doesn’t stop anything though does it? And that is the worry. Esp having no reason I feel like it would be better if there was a reason as to why. I am almost excited to get my results if that sounds weird and freaky I don’t know but like I NEED to know now. I have a major concern about my results and that is we were told our baby was a girl but say they come back and say it’s a boy? First time I’ve ever voiced that. Im desperately reassuring myself that this is all normal! So yes I am with you completely on them conflicting emotions.

@Vie8126 thats exactly how I feel if I got pregnant again but its a boy. I was fixated on my baby girl. How bad does that sound. Part of me is like I want to try again but I am still coming to terms with my loss. It still feels raw like it happened yesterday.
Meant to get response from hospital re my complaint 2 weeks ago but they are taking their time, probably thinking how can we gloss over basic checks that were missed. Dnt know how I will feel when I get the response. Its going to make everything x10 folds worse.

@Monkhouse2022 it's strange how Covid works. My husband brought Delta variant from work - he didn't get sick at all!

I was feeling great too, but then almost 2 weeks after, it put me down to bed. I had fever, chills, I couldn't literally walk the stairs. I was so knackered. The cough was choking me, I couldn't say 1 sentence without barking like a dog and wheezing. Lol...it was very long. Whole May. My sense of taste and smell came back after 4 weeks, but strawberries were disgusting, many things smelled with chemicals and I also had belly pain and nausea.

Clove oil and pine needles essential oil helped me breathe and soothed my throat.

Buckwheat honey 🍯 is perfect for chest infection and sore throat.

And Benylin chesty cough syroup + humidifier made me survive at night.

Kids had it, but asymptomatic.
Lol, not they're more sick than that!

Guys, as for the pregnancy 🤰🏼 I feel like I changed my mind.
Really!

You know I'm in the FB IC group and I made there friends with many ladies and we talk private.

When we started to consider the risks, age, all possible scenarios, we freaked out.

Especially that one of them got pregnant 2 months ago and even at less than 9 weeks her cervix went from 41mm to 17mm!!!!

She's getting the stitich at 12 weeks though, but the struggle is real.

She was told that she got pregnant too early and that really with IC it's so common for the cervix to open even earlier (before she miscarried at 16 weeks) and cause more trouble. They told her she should have waited (like they told me, and me stupid after 3 months already trying!).

The risk of recurrence of preterm labour is also higher (not only because we had one, but also because I'm trying too early too).

@Monkhouse2022 I also don't know why am I even risking my health, my well-being, my kids' secure environment just to fulfill my selfish wish?!

I'm stressing everybody out.

My husband has just told me he's afraid of it happening again when I joked that I hope by the end of the year we'll be pregnant.

My kids asked me not to go to the hospital ever again... and no baby... (my youngest when we went to A&E said:"look mummy, it's where baby died!" (He died when born at home at night, but they came to the hospital in the daytime so he thought baby died there).

I even said to one of my friends I'll stop trying in November...

The fear...
It's something I can't really deal with now ...
My life is so good right now, the routine and safe atmosphere is back...
I'm afraid to screw it.
I'm unable to run to the hospital with every twinge.
I think I'd twist if I see any blood when I wipe.
If I get cramps, I'm sure I'm gonna panic and think it's the same thing happening.
And I'm scared my prolapse will get worse and if last time I felt pressure at 17 weeks, now probably it can be earlier and the GP scared me I can have frequent UTIs...

So in the end - is it even worth it?
Can I even face the fear and make it?

😑
I'm lost...
Mom lost int he clouds...👼

Ladies, can I share with you a photo of my son on the 9th of October when Baby Loss Week starts?

Please, don't be disturbed.

I feel like I want too, but I don't want to trigger anything...or make anybody upset.

@MomLostInTheClouds ofc you can share! Absolutely fine with me xxx

@MomLostInTheClouds I don’t mind you sharing at all.
Everything you said I so relate. I feel we dnt get enough support from the professionals.

Ladies what an extremely horrible day for me suffering with covid to the point I collapsed onto the floor first thing in the morning unconscious and unresponsive - my husband heard a loud thud as I was sleeping in room below he came running downstairs and had to call 999 bear in mind he had my little one in tow (apparently he was crying uncontrollably thinking whats happened to mummy).
My husband was told ambulance service very busy and will take 2hrs yet they arrived within 10mins. Remember I’ve already lost faith in NHS and these 2 paramedics didnt help. Were very dismissive of me when I come round I kept saying my hand really hurts even without touching/checking it he said its probably just bruised. They did basic checks which was fine but no answer to why I had collapsed. Typical of NHS only following guidelines or doing the bare basic. I feel better now but just have a bruised face and a very painful hand when I fell. Covid has gone bad to worse for me I really hope it doesnt affect implantation. Im more livid with the people who gave me covid, what if I was still pregnant I may have still lost her through this. Now can you understand why my anxiety is through the roof its really bringing me down.

@Monkhouse2022 omg you poor thing!! How are you this morning? Do you have any swelling of your hand/face?

Tbh being in the late stages of pregnancy is exactly what I thought of when you said about Covid and your colleague. I have been livid on your behalf that someone can be that bloody selfish and stupid. Has your employer said anything about someone coming in knowingly covid positive?

How is your DS is he ok? What a shock for you all.

What has become of our nhs. Our ambulance service is always busy our local hospital usually has 15-20 ambulances waiting outside. I recently had a follow up for a broken foot that wasn’t healing via telephone I mean how does that even work?!

sending you lots of love and I hope you are feeling better today xxx

Ladies, I think I’m going to be out this month too. We haven’t dtd since Thursday and I am pretty sure I am ovulating now. Dp has been exhausted and it just isn’t happening. Like you both I’m so confused still if I want it or not.

@Vie8126 feel better this morning thanks though not quite out of bed yet. Doesn’t appear to be any swelling on face or hand - though hand is painful when I move not sure if a trip to a&e is needed in case broken.
As for the employer its a family run business and I am pretty sure the owner/MD had it couging & spluttering away in office but passing it off as man flu and was the one who gave it to the colleague. Doomed either way.
My DS seems ok but not quite understanding why mummy not going near him :(
Its hard not being able to give him cuddles and kisses.
Think Im out too this month no dtd when covid in the house and I ovulated when I got it. How do we decide to give up trying its so hard to think straight.

@Monkhouse2022 I've just woken up and read your posts...😮

My dear, are you any better by now?

It seems to be the serious version of Covid and it's so disturbing that they were going around with it and "sharing it".😣

It's sad that NHS is this low right now. I just got used to hearing "it's not serious", "it's viral, no medicine", "it's one of those things", or "take paracetamol"!

Yeah, we would be in the final stages...

Your colleagues gave you rona, and my smaller boy gave me serious flu and pink eyes (woke up half blind with crust closing my eyes!).

It's so scary what can happen anytime, especially when pregnant.

@Monkhouse2022 I'm hugging you, sending love, health and kisses for ds.
Rest a lot and stuff yourself with vitamins! I hope your version won't be the long one.

@Vie8126 So I guess October isn't our month and like me and @Monkhouse2022 we lost our most fertile time...

In November I'm out.
I'm mentally not ready and I can't bear any more stress.
I want to rest and enjoy Halloween🎃 then Christmas 🤶. I'd be glad just to procrastinate , and just to be...stress free...

😑

Today Baby Loss Awarness Weak starts.
Remember, on the 15th October at 7pm is wave of light so don't forget to light a candle for all the babies lost too soon

I wanted go head cemetery today, but we're all sick by now so I'm just so scared...we cancelled swimming ,karate, outings...it sucks!

Lots of love, strength, patience and faith to all the angels mamas out there.💕

TW - photo!

Baby Loss Awarness Weak:

This post is in memory of my dear son👼...

You live in our hearts 💕.
We remember you.
We love you.
And we do hope to meet you again one day ...in heaven.
💔

This post is also for all the tiny ones who left too soon.

*Week (I'm so teary 😢 writing these last few posts that sorry for typos)...

@MomLostInTheClouds oh you are about to make me cry. What a lovely photo of your son, may he r.i.p.
Big hug to you.

@MomLostInTheClouds beautiful beautiful photo. Sending you and @Monkhouse2022 all the love in the world this week xxxxxx

@Monkhouse2022 @MomLostInTheClouds I am teary today. My due date is looming BLAW in full swing and on all socials. I saw this and thought of you both sending love and hugs xxx

@Vie8126 I cried like crazy after reading this poem...it's so deep. It says everything I'd like to say about my baby and to comfort all other moms😘
@Monkhouse2022 and @Vie8126 I'm so lucky to have you here. Please, stay strong...
@Monkhouse2022 how are you today? Rona going away?🤗
@Vie8126 is it tomorrow that you get your results? We'll be waiting to hear if all is good.😚

Yeah, them due dates...in 3.5 week (or earlier) my boy would be with us!

And your girl's is in 2 days...@Vie8126 ...
We're here if you want to share some memories about her.

@MomLostInTheClouds I’m getting better thanks apart from swollen hand with a hairline fracture so can’t do much with the pain. Still testing positive so in isolation room. Feels like I’ve not seen my son in months.
I’m proud of how you are embracing this BLA week. Me, I just feel numb. I should do something but somehow I can’t. I dnt know whats going on in my head. Totally lost.
@Vie8126 yes please keep us posted on your results.

3 months since the hospital took my baby’s life, next month was her due date. Its still so hard to comprehend. I question why God would do this to any woman.