Trying to cope with late miscarriage at 18 weeks😪

[MomLostInTheClouds]

Hallo there,

I've been here for a while and read hundreds of similar stories like mine...
It helped me not to feel so alienated with my loss (never knew there's such a thing like late miscarriage!), but still - it hasn't soothed my pain.

I literally can't understand what had happened (it's raw, just 2.5 weeks ago, with burial on last Friday and follow up appointment with the consultant still to be scheduled after my bloods and placenta results come back; we didn't opt for PM).

I'm 39, have 2 healthy boys (thank God, they keep me sane!) and generally healthy. Before getting pregnant I had my bloods done too and everything (but low vitamin D which I supplemented) was fine. I used to be treated for hypothyroidism, but my TSH and whole thyroid profile came good too. I also lost some weight before (I have always been big, but managed to stay fit and did my zumba workouts religiously).

Got green light to get pregnant and couldn't believe it happened so fast. In a month we saw 2 lines! I was over the moon imagining a little dumpling joining our family, reorganised the rooms up to have space for nursery and dreamt of a newborn's smell...

Everything was like in the 2 previous pregnancies: intensive morning sickness up to 13th week, food aversions, fatigue, etc. The only thing different was yellowish discharge, but since I had no itching, burning or any other symptoms, I was told it is normal.

I was putting on weight, bump was becoming more visible and I could feel his first flutters. What a feeling!

Wednesday, 1st of June (International Children's Day)... things started to get weird.

I woke up very tired and in the night felt pain all over my tummy and found it hard to breathe - like pain in my lungs. Put it down to sleeping too long on the right side and getting bigger. Went to the toilet to find light pink discharge on my panties. Again, a bit puzzled, but when I wiped, there was nothing so again, tried not to worry and spent time with kiddos watching cartoons, playing, eating. Seemingly a normal day of a pregnant tired mommy...

Now I think that it wasn't normal as my gut feeling kept on telling me I haven't really felt baby flutters in a long time (put it down to feeling under the weather and being busy with kids). Then period like cramping started to creep in making me unable to stand. I also felt some pressure in my pelvis which was quite familiar from previous pregnancies, so again, went on with my day. By the evening, I was knackered and went early to sleep even though I wiped a lot of brown discharge during my last toilet visit.

2 am. Sharp abdominal pain and literally labor like contractions coming and going made me jump out of the bed, get dressed and grab my pregnancy file. I ran down to my husband to arrange going to the hospital. Just wanted to visit the toilet thinking it was a sudden bowel movement... but after sitting there for 2-3 minutes, no pushing... a baby and blood popped out of me. I could not believe it. Shaking I looked down and felt the umbilical cord and another gush of blood. Then I just remember my husband calling for ambulance and being rushed to the hospital with a paramedic holding my sleeping bundle of joy.

The reality hit me in the hospital bed. I was struggling to deliver my placenta when my little boy (perfect!) was brought to me in a tiny white basket covered with a crocheted blue blanket, and when they started to take his foot prints and our photos, and handed me a memory box. Holding this memory box and my wee boy on my chest shouted out loud to me that IT IS OVER!

Why?
Why... how?
So fast...?
With few warning signs?
In 1 day?
All over?
All my hopes, dreams...taken away.
Buried.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
WHAT DID I DO?!

Was it because I have a cat?
Did I get toxoplasmosis? (Was cleaning her litter box)
Was it that Mc Donald's meal I had few hours ago?
Or was it the last coffee? (I SHOULDN'T HAVE DRUNK COFFEE!)
Was it my age?
My weight?
Some other infection in the womb?
Placenta?

...

There are days I still feel pregnant.
I still rub my tummy.
I see my baby in front of my eyes and cry everyday.
I see his little coffin.
I see his little clothes (his first clothes for the hospital arrived just the day before! He was supposed to leave the hospital in them...Alive!)
And I don't know when I'll get over it.
Even if I should get over it.
When I laugh, I feel guilty.
But for my kids, I smile and wipe my tears on my sleeves so they don't see me down.
And I feel terrible to be wanting another baby, to even try to ttc again...
If I could, I'd love to be pregnant now...(?!)

Don't know how to cope, really.
The feeling that I should have gone to the hospital just to check, hunts me and produces 'what if' scenarios in my head.

Venting here...
Trying to calm down...while waiting for my results (and maybe some answers; hoping it won't be 'one of these bad luck cases').

Feeling 100kg lighter.

Anyone else going through this?

@MomLostInTheClouds we must have cross posts yesterday but really fitting words.

@Monkhouse2022 welcome to the peeing on a stick craziness! My last hoorah it feels like. Not sure if to laugh or cry. Anyone else finding the world and their wife is pregnant and want to cry? If DP tells me one more of his friends partners are expecting I think I will loose my shit.

So I did my other test pretty much after my post…got a blue cross but again it’s too thin. Dp managed to pick up some cheap own brand pink tests one last night and one with fmu clear as anything. Ladies I am definitely not pregnant. Time to step away from the tests for me. And I think I actually will this time (however watch this space!)

Took my ds to a new class yesterday met a nan not much older than me with her 2yo grandson. She said ‘god you were brave to start again when your other kids were grown up’ got me thinking maybe I should just leave it maybe I am crazy. Maybe I should just wait for grandchildren now and enjoy them.

@MomLostInTheClouds sorry to hear about your bad dream but it is just your unconscious thoughts rattling around your brain rather than a premonition. Sending love. Could you and dp get the deed done before he goes? It could still be enough. DP thinks I am crazy I saw it too when I was analysing a test in front of him shining lights through it and tilting it every which way. He said ‘babe it’s negative what are you doing’ with this peculiar look. I literally feel obsessed this month as I’m sat here juggling my boobs to see if they feel tender or heavy 🤣🤣 off to complain to clearblue again…..🤪

@Vie8126 you always cheer me up😉...
So there's something on your tests, common! Why are you assuming you're not pregnant if there's even thinnest cross?
AF hasn't still arrived so you're in the game and it's been a long time so maybe you're really preggo!

Whatever the outcome, I'm sending positive energy ✨.

Yeah, these pregnancy announcements... killing me... or ladies my age being nans and their kids at uni...then I poke myself in this old silly head and ask: why are you doing it to yourself?! WHY?

I had a long day to think...
It's been raining whole day. Cold.
I took my fluffy sweaters out, treated myself to healthy food, did my pelvic floor exercises, took a catnap, worked online...

Feel fresh.
Ready for baby.
Why am I not giving up?
Rather I feel excited to tell my bereavement midwife I'm preggo soon!

Even though my husband gives me silent treatment and even though this month is probably out of my calendar conception-wise.

Anyway, I'm on Amazon buying Naturelo vittamis for preggers, Omega 3, magnesium, etc. (I promised myself not to!).

Another upsetting day today. One of the girls at work who was off ill has returned and her baby bump is in full show now. She is the same number of weeks I would have been, maybe a week behind. It all came flooding back and I had a lump in my throat trying hard not to cry.

@Vie8126 any luck with test or even AF?

@MomLostInTheClouds even though you can’t dtd this month gear yourself up for next month, you never know.

Mind you it feels like we are simply setting ourselves up for a fall but if it keeps us going even momentarily then why not.

@MomLostInTheClouds @Monkhouse2022 well AF turned up! Positives of this is my cycle this month was a perfect 28 days. Maybe I’ll go over to ovulation tests…. GP today so I’ll ask for the bloods form to be redone so I can get them done.

I know how you feel with the pregnancy when I returned to work in July albeit briefly a lady on my team had a new grandchild was sitting at home minding my business and bang she sent me newborn baby pics knocked me for six. I couldn’t even bring myself to ask her about it the next day. It must have been horrible for you I can understand how upsetting that would have been and how it brings it all back. Do your colleagues know what happened?

@MomLostInTheClouds what vits do you recommend for an oldie? I hope you had a lovely cosy day. I have a month until I go back to college and my ds is still going to childcare Tuesdays to Fridays atm so I am throwing myself into decorating to keep me busy.

@Monkhouse2022 as simple as it may sound, there'll always be something triggering...😬
A fragrance or flavour...
Pregnant women 🤰🏼, them chunky newborns, TV ads, memories that would pop out in our socials from the time we had our babies inside us...

What we can do is learn how not to react.

I'm also struggling coz as I'd told you, we were pregnant at the same time with some mamas at my kids' school. They rock their little babies in their buggies and I'm standing there like a weirdo in my sunglasses on a rainy day...

No magic wand will make these feelings go away and we just have to learn how to handle them.

@Vie8126 nooooo, 👎 AF...😤
So your cycle is very good, not yet peri-menopausal 😛.
Naturelo PRENATAL multivitamins (no, I'm not selling them or advertising, they were mentioned in the book "It all starts with an egg."
All natural, from fruit and veg and even folic acid and B12 are in a more bioavailable form (methylated). Expensive (£39.9 a monthly supply on Amazon and you take 3 per day, but definitely worth trying).
We oldies goldies need a good thing and it seems to be a good thing.

I'm in a shock since yesterday.
1000 thoughts running through my head...
My loss and my changing moods have taken toll on my marriage...and listen to this:

We did the deed and my husband pull out (?!?!?!??!?!?!) and when I asked why and what's this, he boldly expressed his feelings saying that he doesn't want a baby now (!!!), that I'm still young (wtf!) and can have a baby till 52 (idiot!), and first I should work on myself and heal...

I'm shattered...devastated...disappointed, 😠 😡 👿 😤 🤬...

He also said we have 2 kids and a cat and that's enough; that he doesn't want a crying baby at home and wants to rest and have peace.

He completely disregarded me and my needs and feelings and dreams and hopes...

Today I have even no tears to cry.

Got hot shower, ate well and I can't even focus on my work, coz his words mess up with my head.

All my plans cancelled.
The only thing that kept me going, getting healthy, look forward...taken away from me.

Am like? What am I supposed to do with myself now...

Baby is the only thing I need and want right now (oh he also told me to go and f* around to get one...)...

Yeah...

I'm back to square one... playing with my boy's things...
Accepting there won't be baby anymore for me...

@MomLostInTheClouds I know it seems like the hope has gone but…there’s always a but huh… could he be struggling with his own grief? Could it be a protective measure towards you? Now I obviously don’t know all the ins and outs of your marriage but (again with the but!) men don’t talk they carry on struggle through deal with us crying try to hold the family up go to work don’t talk about their feelings etc. I remember a very early conversation me and dp had with our bereavement midwife where I asked her about ttc and he looked at me like wtf when she left we had a mahoosive row where he was saying why did you even say that he felt I was betraying our dd and couldn’t even think of another child another pregnancy I pestered for an answer and we settled that we would wait it out. We would have sex he would pull out. Then we finally got an elusive child free night we went for dinner had some wine had some cocktails and all of sudden talking become easy he said he did want it after all. Don’t get me wrong we had sex last month and he pulled out and I was stunned like wtf was that and lay there with my brain running away like mad.

We have friends who lost their son at 37 weeks and the husband said he felt like he lost his wife for months and months of their life. He didn’t know who she was. She was going through the motions but was edgy sad distant….I feel like that lady and I’m going to jump the gun and say we all do. Maybe it’s his worry maybe it’s his sadness. When he is back can you schedule a date night or something just the two of you. Find you and him again and I’m sure it will all flow the way you want it too. Sending you love as I know them words are devastating I know how much it hurts and how much you want to cry and scream. But the hope is not gone. He might just be scared.

Oh and my complaint to clearblue has resulted in them sending me a some free tests great just what I need for next month 🤣

@Vie8126 lol 😆 I thought you're joking about complaining to Clear Blue! Anyways, you'd defo need some freebies lol knowing how many times you're testing.

I have a whole set of tests (I'm that lady with a handbag of pregnancy tests, you name it, I have it!), but my husband and his silent treatment is driving me bonkers so it's sure I won't need them this month.😫

Actually you might be right about him trying to protect me, kids and himself from another trauma. When I got preggo with our 3rd he was saying he wants 4 kiddos (and 1 more after this!)...

So I gave him space, stay nice and just hope that one day, yeah, one beautiful day, it'll happen to me.

Sending love to you too and to @Monkhouse2022, and to all mamas trying after loss.

Baby dust👶

I'll be back here on the 9th of October to "celebrate" Baby Loss Awarness Week with you.
And just can't wait to go to cementary to talk to my baby.

@Vie8126 well done on your freebies.

@MomLostInTheClouds im sorry to hear how your husband has been of lately but I agree with @Vie8126 in everything she said but only you can know for sure if its something alot deeper. I hope you can sory it out between the two of you.

Im back to ttc but not sure if I can endure all the emotions again I’m in two minds even after splashing out on opk. Already considering returning the fertility monitor. Im thinking the worst and trying to convince myself we are happy with just the one. Even if I did fall pregnant what if it was a boy of course I would love him but would always think I wanted my girl re-born.

@Monkhouse2022 no, no, no...don't give it back. Listen!

Yesterday I had a life-changing conversation with someone very spiritual (if I can symay that) and this is what I had been told (and it finally reached my broken heart and broken brain!).

I was told that if my heart truly desires something, I must see it, visualize it, live it. I must close the past chapter and forget about everything (what's done cannot be undone). The only focus is on here and now, on the new and what is to be and how it's gonna be. Some call it positive affirmation, others just belief.

Then I saw my future...there's 3 kids with me and my dead son too. I see us in the park pushing a buggy. It's what my heart desires and I'm ready to bury my flashbacks, my fear and anxiety to get it.

I feel so desperate to do it!
Irrespective of outcome, just to know I tried.

@Monkhouse2022 close your eyes. Try to imagine what you want, try to allow yourself to see your future. What do you see? What's and who's in the picture? And where?

I'll be pursing my dreams, even though my husband still stays away, even though I was afraid, even though people take pity on me and even though it's risky.

Get back to us and tell us what you want...and if it's not a baby, give it back...

@MomLostInTheClouds oh your words are making me re-think lol. It is very true when you think positive and in a good place, it can happen - thats how I conceived my baby girl.
I was even looking at stimulated iui cycle. I know I can get pregnant naturally as I have done previously but with time not on my side thought this treatmnt would give me a helping hand.
It is very hard to visualize my future atm. Its almost I am fighting it off what I really want. Counsellor was suppose to call this week but no call so chasing bereavemnt me.
I really am going through very mixed emotions.
Having you ladies is really helping me so cnt thank you enough.

@Monkhouse2022 ...we're here...and only we know how much you want it!

Go for it...
Leave all the fears behind.

We'll be waiting for all updates.
Also from you @Vie8126 !

And once you start counselling, tell us how it's going.

I'm so positive and looking forward to the future that I hope my good vibes will reach you!

@MomLostInTheClouds @Monkhouse2022 loving the positive vibes they sure are catching. I have my bloods Tuesday and a meeting with my bereavement midwife so hopefully get my photos.

Oh no ladies, I'm definitely addicted to peeing on the stick!
😅
Nobody to dtd with, but I'm still checking if I'm ovulating, and the line is getting darker and darker in last 2 days...
I must be a freak coz I'm enjoying it...

Secondly, have you ever asked for pregnancy and fertility reading? A psychic's ad🔮 (look at me what I'm doing!) popped on my FB and I started to consider paying £21 for one to see if there's ever a chance for me to even have our rainbow baby...

Anybody?
So desperate?

Today my husband told me that our friend's wife miscarried and is in the hospital. Got goosebumps and flashbacks and knowing how it feels, just prayed for her in my head.

Miscarriages happen...they happen so often, but nobody talks about them...

@Vie8126 happy for your tests and photos. @Monkhouse2022 are you using your "aids"? How's it going and how you're doing?

Sending ❤

@MomLostInTheClouds I had gone for a reading last October where I was told I would conceive in March and will be a baby girl which was true. Sadly my baby not here though. So I am into it but dare not to go again in case she says no more children for me.

My husband was harping on about it being christmas soon and all I could think in my head and having conversation with myself that next month my little girl was due. It really hit me hard.

I returned fertility monitor as it only allows you to test once a day and in the past I’ve noticed I ovulate occassionally in the eve so I would miss ovulation if I relied upon monitor therefore will stick with cb digital ovulation. Though have been having 5 days of flashing smiley face, worried Im not going to ovulate.

just like you @MomLostInTheClouds I have flashbacks, its awful, heartbreaking. I still yearn for my little girl. I still feel broken. Like I’m living a double life, look ok from outside but inside I am suffering in silence, its eating away inside me.

I have turned into a negative, angry person this is what I have become and I hate it. Im trying to move forward but I can’t.

@MomLostInTheClouds that sounds like the kinda thing I would pay to do so no words of wisdom from me!

I wish more people would talk but people don’t I guess that’s the aim of BLA week.

my due date is next week. I’ve seen the bereavement midwife this morning and had my bloods and received my photos. We have a local display which will include our girls name and the bereavement suite at the hospital will also have a display with her name. Midwife invited us to a special service on Sunday at a local church. I’m not sure about that we’re not particularly religious but she said it isn’t a religious ceremony. It might be quite nice I guess.

I text my mum and said I had seen her and got the photos she said ‘oh yeah I was meaning to ask you how you feel now’ I just replied and said I’m ok it’s her due date next week just feel a bit funny about it. The response…well I am not sure how to take it tbh. ‘Well don’t dwell on it will you just move on you have 4 healthy children to consider’ found it quite abrupt and rude if I am honest. Why don’t people understand that that doesn’t make it ok? Midwife said my results will be back she reckons by the end of the month. Explained my mad peeing on sticks she got it. She doesn’t think I’m peri menopausal she said she would be shocked as the first thing to change is your skin and I don’t have that peri menopausal skin look….off to Google what that is….

@Monkhouse2022 i had a clearblue ovulation stick thingy with my ds and I am pretty sure the more you use it the more it gets to know your cycles. So to start I never got the static smiley but then as the months went by I started getting them. I do remember once having 6 days of flashing smileys before the static so hope is not gone. I have the anger etc I now just feel numb. Have you had any news on counselling?

@Vie8126 Oh thats nice there is a service. Tbh my mother pretty much the same and said you have one healthy child focus on him. I simply want to talk about her to anyone that would listen but they seem to be uninterested.
You don’t sound like your peri menopausal and plus you got reassurance from midwife.

Its my fertile window and digi stick still flashing think might peak tonight with solid face as line seemed darker.

Have counselling later this week, well its more of assessment at first. Its the least the hospital can do, I feel like this all because the hospital caused my baby’s death.

@Monkhouse2022 its shit isn’t it? I know I am blessed I really do know that. I am sure people think I’m crazy or nuts but my oldest two are adults in their own right now. My daughter is 14 now and then there’s our ds who is only 1. My dp is 10 years younger than me. There are factors to wanting one more. I just know that if by some stroke of luck I got pregnant again it will be met with negativity and not the positivity such news should be met with and that is from my own mother.

struggling today had a little cry this morning with the midwife and then after texting dp who wanted me to send him the photos. I have regrets about decisions I made at the time of her birth and now there is no going back that’s it. I felt overwhelmed at the time and alone as dp didn’t want to see her and now I want to go back in time.

Thinking of getting the cb smiley ov sticks I’m going to look on Amazon I think.

I am glad you have an appointment for this week. Pls let us know how you get on. I found the first session the hardest as it was telling my story and going through it feeling for feeling all over again. But it got easier. I am still on a break from counselling as I am not strong enough for the other doors.

I should be checking my hospital bag and getting ready to give birth.

good luck with the smiley face! Our ds has become a terrible sleeper and we’ve resorted to co sleeping so not sure why I’m debating ovulation sticks as we have him in the middle of the bed horizontally so not like we even get the chance!

Oh @Vie8126 and @Monkhouse2022 - it's the same with my husband! He keeps on saying: you have 2 kids (3 lol with my cat!) and why do you want more? (NO, HE SAYS I GAVE YOU 2 KIDS LOL!).

BTW, I have 3 sons, not 2!😡

For him I should focus on them and forget about conceving again or that my 3rd son died...he moans everytime I say I'm going to the cemetery and himself went there only once when I really frantically begged him to do so.

Today before he left (wasting my fertile window lol), we dtd...!
It's not my ovulation so probably won't matter, unless you understand these sticks better and can tell me what they mean...photo attached.

Wishing you luck this month my fertile ladies 😜I feel autumn 🍂 will be productive and many babies are in the process of making...

@Vie8126 ...I was also thinking about my hospital bag today...ohhh...

@Monkhouse2022 which fertility monitor were you using? Mira? I started to research on Amazon...
Wow, interesting about your fertility reading. I'm also not doing one coz I'm afraid to hear - that's it, you were supposed to have 3 sons and you have 3 so finito chiquitta.😜

How's counselling?
Updates?

Just now took again and showing peak...in Meet Me APP...and have sex tomorrow at 6! When he's gone.

F*!🙄😪

@MomLostInTheClouds that is defo peak. You need to baby dance if you get the chance or did you say you dtd??!!!
My digi stick flashing for 6 days surely I’ll get peak tomorrow?!
I had purchased cb fertility monitot but returned today. I’ll stick with cb digi.

@MomLostInTheClouds you dtd yesterday all is not lost could still be your month!! What sticks have you got?

@Monkhouse2022 can you test twice a day and order some more sticks to put in the monitor? I’m positive you’ll get a peak soon I had days and days of flashing smileys when I first started using the cb one if it’s the same one. Every month my flashing days got shorter after that and it gets more intuitive.

I don’t know when I ovulate or if I even am until my bloods come back hence why I am going to join you ladies on the sticks LOL.

@Monkhouse2022 yeah we baby danced and we did the deed, we did...😊!!!!!
@Vie8126 yeah, I googled things out and indeed you can still get preggo during the peak...
Google screwed my brain again and even gave me hope for a girl (I see pink...) coz if the slow swimmers survive until the ovulation today (they can live up to 5 days in a fertile mucus), then there'll be a girl! I've always dreamt about a girl and kept the name Sarah in my head...

Ladies, I was so ignorant before!
We always got pregnant on the first cycle so I never read these things, never tested or used the ovulation sticks...@Vie8126 I use the cheapies from Pounldand - First Vue or something, £1 for 5 lol).

Dtd was my pathetic initiative...
My husband was keeping away for so long.

I came with a nasty smile (fearing rejection or lecturing) and managed to get what I wanted (my head was focused on the phrase: make a baby, make a baby, make a baby!!!!)
😜

I feel I'm getting obsessed and it's getting too far.

I dream to have my baby in my arms...

My son would come anytime around now (never made it to due date and my first came at 38w 5d and second 37w 5d).

So probably my 3rd boy would come somewhere around your due date @Vie8126 ...

I feel like a lost child to whom they gave a lollipop 🍭, allowed to lick it and then took it away and stuffed my mouth with soap...
I feel punished...

@Vie8126 with ds on the middle you would need some gymnastics, but com on, get to work! We always worked it out with little bubbas somewhere there on the bed lol😚