Trying to cope with late miscarriage at 18 weeks😪

[MomLostInTheClouds]

Hallo there,

I've been here for a while and read hundreds of similar stories like mine...
It helped me not to feel so alienated with my loss (never knew there's such a thing like late miscarriage!), but still - it hasn't soothed my pain.

I literally can't understand what had happened (it's raw, just 2.5 weeks ago, with burial on last Friday and follow up appointment with the consultant still to be scheduled after my bloods and placenta results come back; we didn't opt for PM).

I'm 39, have 2 healthy boys (thank God, they keep me sane!) and generally healthy. Before getting pregnant I had my bloods done too and everything (but low vitamin D which I supplemented) was fine. I used to be treated for hypothyroidism, but my TSH and whole thyroid profile came good too. I also lost some weight before (I have always been big, but managed to stay fit and did my zumba workouts religiously).

Got green light to get pregnant and couldn't believe it happened so fast. In a month we saw 2 lines! I was over the moon imagining a little dumpling joining our family, reorganised the rooms up to have space for nursery and dreamt of a newborn's smell...

Everything was like in the 2 previous pregnancies: intensive morning sickness up to 13th week, food aversions, fatigue, etc. The only thing different was yellowish discharge, but since I had no itching, burning or any other symptoms, I was told it is normal.

I was putting on weight, bump was becoming more visible and I could feel his first flutters. What a feeling!

Wednesday, 1st of June (International Children's Day)... things started to get weird.

I woke up very tired and in the night felt pain all over my tummy and found it hard to breathe - like pain in my lungs. Put it down to sleeping too long on the right side and getting bigger. Went to the toilet to find light pink discharge on my panties. Again, a bit puzzled, but when I wiped, there was nothing so again, tried not to worry and spent time with kiddos watching cartoons, playing, eating. Seemingly a normal day of a pregnant tired mommy...

Now I think that it wasn't normal as my gut feeling kept on telling me I haven't really felt baby flutters in a long time (put it down to feeling under the weather and being busy with kids). Then period like cramping started to creep in making me unable to stand. I also felt some pressure in my pelvis which was quite familiar from previous pregnancies, so again, went on with my day. By the evening, I was knackered and went early to sleep even though I wiped a lot of brown discharge during my last toilet visit.

2 am. Sharp abdominal pain and literally labor like contractions coming and going made me jump out of the bed, get dressed and grab my pregnancy file. I ran down to my husband to arrange going to the hospital. Just wanted to visit the toilet thinking it was a sudden bowel movement... but after sitting there for 2-3 minutes, no pushing... a baby and blood popped out of me. I could not believe it. Shaking I looked down and felt the umbilical cord and another gush of blood. Then I just remember my husband calling for ambulance and being rushed to the hospital with a paramedic holding my sleeping bundle of joy.

The reality hit me in the hospital bed. I was struggling to deliver my placenta when my little boy (perfect!) was brought to me in a tiny white basket covered with a crocheted blue blanket, and when they started to take his foot prints and our photos, and handed me a memory box. Holding this memory box and my wee boy on my chest shouted out loud to me that IT IS OVER!

Why?
Why... how?
So fast...?
With few warning signs?
In 1 day?
All over?
All my hopes, dreams...taken away.
Buried.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
WHAT DID I DO?!

Was it because I have a cat?
Did I get toxoplasmosis? (Was cleaning her litter box)
Was it that Mc Donald's meal I had few hours ago?
Or was it the last coffee? (I SHOULDN'T HAVE DRUNK COFFEE!)
Was it my age?
My weight?
Some other infection in the womb?
Placenta?

...

There are days I still feel pregnant.
I still rub my tummy.
I see my baby in front of my eyes and cry everyday.
I see his little coffin.
I see his little clothes (his first clothes for the hospital arrived just the day before! He was supposed to leave the hospital in them...Alive!)
And I don't know when I'll get over it.
Even if I should get over it.
When I laugh, I feel guilty.
But for my kids, I smile and wipe my tears on my sleeves so they don't see me down.
And I feel terrible to be wanting another baby, to even try to ttc again...
If I could, I'd love to be pregnant now...(?!)

Don't know how to cope, really.
The feeling that I should have gone to the hospital just to check, hunts me and produces 'what if' scenarios in my head.

Venting here...
Trying to calm down...while waiting for my results (and maybe some answers; hoping it won't be 'one of these bad luck cases').

Feeling 100kg lighter.

Anyone else going through this?

@MomLostInTheClouds oh you poor thing, just think about your little bean. Stay strong!

As for me I am struggling alot and finding it hard as daughter’s due date next week. Can’t stop crying. Keep thinking about her. This pain in my heart is awful.

@Monkhouse2022 you can do! Stay strong too.🤗
Missing our angel babies will never leave our hearts. I know...

I'm writing it and ready to run to 🤮...

@MomLostInTheClouds @Monkhouse2022 sorry I’ve been awol.

@MomLostInTheClouds im sorry you are struggling so much with the sickness please speak with your gp if it’s too much. When’s your next appointment?

@Monkhouse2022 we know how horrible the due date is keep talking remember we’re here if talking is not what you want at this time. When is your next stage in your treatment?

as for me, I am currently closing the chapter on ttc. I have not made peace with it far far from it but it’s been such a focus since October 2019 - one chemical, 1 gorgeous ds and of course our angel baby. 15 months pregnant, months of trying, hundreds on pregnancy tests and only one child to show for it and a whole lot of heartbreak. Still no results. No response from midwife. Will chase again tomorrow. Tomorrow my course could change I have results of an interview and a second interview for another job ofc I may not get either but let’s see what happens.

Hello beauties,

@Monkhouse2022 how's everything going? Any progress? What's going on?
I'm honestly all excited, waiting for good news!!!!😋

@Vie8126 seriously? No more dtd and ttc at all? Will you have protected sex from now on? I can't believe it...naaaah!🤔

How were the interviews?
Any exciting news?
I hope that your dreams will come true when it comes to the professional path.

*
As for me, I'm shy of 9 weeks.😶

Can somebody pinch me, please?

It's not easy.
Sickness is a real kill joy.
And yesterday had some spotting again.
Never-ending visits to the toilet and constant wiping drive me crazy and there's always this fear and stress that something sinister is going to happen. It doesn't go
away!

Had a booking appointment with my Rainbow 🌈 midwife yesterday.
She's lovely and caring, and dealt with all my anxieties.
Got my new pregnancy wallet (not Bounty!), new card and docs, with all them appointments booked till 16 weeks.
Then we'll see - all depends on my cervix how they'll proceed. Stitich is an option.

It's so daunting to look forward into the future.
Ibtry not to.
Destiny has already played tricks on me and on the 17th of June instead of 20 week anomaly scan, I had my baby's burial.

I got "Know my story" paper to fill in - in case of emergency or another loss, I don't need to talk to anybody and they can read everything themselves.
It's a good thing to have. @Monkhouse2022 when you're preggo, ask for it.

It's still scary.
I'm taking so many pills and meds...
But I push through...somehow...😌...
I push through to see those little feet, and to smell that little baby...whose due date is by the end of June (if I last, the baby can be born close to my angel boy's birthday).👶

@MomLostInTheClouds how are you feeling today, sickness any better?

I’ve had a very bizarre day today even though I wasn’t given the date of my c-section for this week I strongly feel today would have been the day. So many odd things happened. I can’t put it into words.
Aside from that had my scan to see follicle growth which was good. Next scan Monday could possibly be day of the procedure.

@MomLostInTheClouds can you remind me did you take melatonin what brand and dose?

@Vie8126 how were your interviews do tell? Hope it was positive.

@MomLostInTheClouds wow 9 weeks! It seems to be going so quick from here y likely to be the case for you though I appreciate that. I am so glad the rainbow midwife is lovely and what a great idea about writing your story so you don’t have to explain yourself a million times.

So yes we’ve had the conversation that it hasn’t happened that it’s time to take precautions and that’s that it’s on the shelf now. Our cut off was February anyway so it’s just bought forward by a couple of months. My age the chance of it happening again the lack of answers still new job etc all forced our hand. I’m sad but I get it. If only I had met dp sooner if only that hadn’t happened. Life picks our course I guess. I’m sad I’m devastated but working enables us a better life and our ds a better life so we’re going with that.

So two interviews I got offered the first job start in a week! Waiting to hear on the second which is a much safer option financially better money less travel more benefits better pension more security so if I get that I’ll be declining the first and taking that one. It’s more of a push for me mentally and more of a challenge which is good. We have dtd twice before this conversation so we all know how life throws us curveballs so who knows if we have conceived already and our conversations are all too late! What will I do then? Likely turn to you lovely ladies for more advice!

@Monkhouse2022 good news about your treatment and scans please keep us posted on what happens. I know how difficult and strange it feels with due dates the first is the hardest apparently however I think everyone will be hard. Sending you love and positivity xxx

Oh ladies,

Wow, what news! So many changes, so many new directions...time's running fast.

@Monkhouse2022 fingers crossed for next week. I'm maybe more excited than you 😂!

No, I haven't taken melatonin (it's for sleep, right? I wanted though, I suffer from terrible insomnia). It's quite unavailable in the UK without the prescription.
Do you need one?
If ttc or pregnant, better to avoid.

@Vie8126 lol, I also thought that you might have conceived (yeah!) coz it usually happens when you least expect it!

And congratulations on your new job (and successful interviews)! Whichever you take, great changes, plans and perspectives are just within your grip.

And me?
Oh lol, the sleepy head.
The Mrs on the bed rest...
Tired 😴 24/7...
If I could, I'd sleep throughout this pregnancy and wake up for delivery.

I keep on delivering in my dreams.
I see my boys coming to the hospital.
And I see a chunky baby.

9 weeks till 18 weeks...
Worst weeks...to come...
And there's nothing I'm more scared of than January (when I'd be heading to 18!).

My midwife again contacted me.
My urine, bloods ok.
Next scan...20 December (!!!!).

Pray for us.
I'm keeping you all in my head.
Hoping that all our dreams come true.

Sending hugs, and baby dust even to you @Vie8126 !

Ladies I’m absolutely heartbroken. I had my scan on Wed & there was one dominant follicle, had another scan today and its vanished. So treatment may have to be aborted. When I google vanished follicle it references low egg reserves due to age.
I knew it my beautiful baby girl I lost was my last golden egg. What am I to do. I feel like Im going to spiral into deep depression. Even my bereavemnt midwife was surprised I was not making progress.

@Monkhouse2022 love, are you sure?

Have you consulted it with a specialist to get a 100% medical opinion? Doctor Google can be nasty ans scare the sh** out of us.

I believe you must be worried right now, but try to confirm it first, and then ask for your options (there must be some!).

There must be a way...😚

As for now, hugging you and please, once you're after consultation, pop in here to share.
If you're sad or worried, talk to us.
We're always here to listen and to comfort.

Keeping you in my thoughts.😘

@Monkhouse2022 how are you today?

Just checking on you.

Tbh, I thought of you a lot yesterday.😘

I also started reading about vanishing follicles, age, etc., and you can actually try again.

Please, let us know how you're doing.

Aww thanks for asking how I am @MomLostInTheClouds
I had lost all hope for this treatment cycle after yesterday but this morning I did opk digi which was flashing & with strip second line was faint so could be a possibility the smaller follicles are becoming dominant hence I may have ovulation coming up. I have another scan on monday so will have better idea.

Anyhow how are you getting on, is sickness going? Your nxt scan not till 20 Dec its a long way off, are you going to have a private scan before that?
If I’m correct your miscarriage was related to IC, if yes have they booked you in for cervical length scan or to discuss cerclage stitch?

@Monkhouse2022 so there's a light at the end of the tunnel after all!
Keeping fingers crossed for Monday.

Sickness comes and goes.
Yesterday was lovely and today I'm miserable again...hardly ate anything and if I do, it's out...
Water makes me bloated and intensifies nausea...
Grhhrhr...
It's darn hard.

Naaah...it's only 3 weeks till dating scan!
I'm getting to 10 weeks...so scary!
Time flies now.
I'm so afraid of this scan...

Nah, won't go private till 13-14 week for cervical scan.
At 16 weeks I also have it in the hospital.
My consultant said that we will decide after this scan how to proceed - if less than 25mm, stitch, if more, scans fortnightly (I'll got private weekly).

It's getting more real and scary with every week.

I'm believing in progesterone and all them pills I'm taking religiously.

It's less than 9 weeks till 18 weeks.
It's nerve-wracking and I have anxiety at night...
So yeah, it's a struggle.

I absolutely don't see a happy end of this journey.
Negative thoughts are winning...

@MomLostInTheClouds try not to think negative!!!
please please please make sure if yr cervix gets to 25mm ‘demand’ a stitch. Trust me it will save your baby.

I’m slightly afraid even if I do fall pregnant I hope its another girl. Don’t know how I will feel if its a boy. Then its the same added worries like you have.

Don’t think about 18 weeks mark but you are more prepared with knowledge and in tune with your body so it will be different this time round. Fx!

@Monkhouse2022 I'd love to have a girl too, but lol, knowing my luck, I'm pretty sure it's a boy!

Can't help my negativity...
It's just there.
I think I have PTSD at night too.
And it's getting worse with every night.
Hubby has night shifts and being alone with kids intensifies it.

Ladies, it's the hardest thing I've ever done...

@Monkhouse2022 I am glad you are feeling a little more positive about your next scan keep us posted tomorrow will be sending you all the luck in the world.

@MomLostInTheClouds you are doing so well just keep on going. One day at a time.

I start my new job next Monday. Feel cheated out of ttc as we haven’t been able to give it a good enough shot but equally it’s been 6 months. The line has been drawn I’ll be starting contraception at my next period in December. A different course of life. It is what it is.

Morning ladies,

How are you?

It's my first calm morning and I managed to eat a hearty breakfast and keep it in.

Feeling warm, relaxed and happy, munching on Quality Street chocolates and watching "One born every minute".

I feel like it's such a privilege to carry a baby to full term and then to reach to the labor ward and actually give birth.

I was deprived of it all last time and feel so guilty that in my 2 previous pregnancies I just waited for the end and wanted the pregnancy to end as soon as possible (with the baby out!).

And now?
I wish the baby bakes and bakes (endlessly) and stays in safely till 40w.

And I watch these moms who feel safer with every passing week, and think how distorted my thinking is - every passing week increases my fear and anxiety, brings me closer to my loss and kills any joy that my pregnancy should bring.

I dream to feel my baby's first kicks (last time only got to experience some flutters); I'd love to get to 20 week scan...

I see myself buying baby's stuff...
I hear myself announcing good news to my 4 year old...
I picture us in the park with a buggy on the summer days...

I hope that my words that I said to my boys upon leaving the hospital empty-handed last time will become reality - I promised them to bring the baby home next time!

I want to be that mom with a carrier.
Leaving the hospital door in all that glory.

I want...

@Monkhouse2022 so the scan is tomorrow! I'll be all stiff keeping my fingers crossed for you and praying.
I hope the good vibes will reach you, and help.

@Vie8126 so this is it? The end of ttc saga?
I'm a bit sad. Thought all 3 of us will be pregnant but yeah...life has it's ways to redirect us and I believe your new work and career are exactly taking you to another place.
If you're happy, I'm happy.
Is it what you want? Sure, sure?

Anyway, little bird told me that there'll be 3 babies lol...and I have a singleton...so...😜

@MomLostInTheClouds is it what I want? Hell no. I want my baby girl I want the madness of two smalls running round my feet the fighting the chaos all of it the going without to give them. I’m starting a new job dps said it’s time to call it a day 42nd birthday looming in 12 weeks no answers as to what happened from bereavement midwife no clue on the why’s at all. The limbo of not knowing is awful. He said it isn’t an easy choice and it’s not an easy conversation but it’s been 6 months and not a glimmer of a bfp. Ofc we may have cracked it this month who knows but I am doubtful. And even then a pregnancy doesn’t mean I’ll ever hold a baby that I’ve given birth to.

@MomLostInTheClouds do I actually want to go and get my contraception sorted? No. Do I know that practically it is likely the right choice yes. I will cry my eyes out that day as there will be no going back after that.

@Vie8126 I feel for you. Part of me thinks like you. If this cycle fails do we knock it on the head? I dnt want to be consumed by it all. I’m already obsessed over my loss, can’t, won’t let it go. Have to wait to hear back from solicitor whether we have a solid ground to pursue medical negligence. This is stress in itself so ttc makes it even moreso impossible.

@Monkhouse2022 it is so hard to know sending you hugs. I’ve spent since January when I found out I was pregnant sick and tired then the loss upset in pain on the edge not wanting my life. My little boy has had me like this half here since then. I’ve lost time with him preoccupied with other things. I know it’s the right decision. I am in denial of doing the practical things as that is the official door closed. Head vs heart in full force, I know my head is right even dp said it to me as I was thinking it so we’re on the same page. I don’t know what is worse having no clue as to why what happened happened or having a reason and knowing someone was at fault so I feel for you and send you hugs. I will once again like every Monday tomorrow chase my bereavement midwife for an answer. Be nice to get one before the end of the year if I’m honest if I even get one! I can’t imagine the stress just take one day at a time that’s all I can suggest. I’ve managed to throw myself whole heartedly into other things to district myself so I don’t have time to think or grieve or wonder. Grief for our daughter the hopes we had and for now what will never be for us but embrace our gorgeous ds. Sending love xxx

@Vie8126 I really hope you can get answers from bereavement midwife otherwise you are always going to wonder. Keep at her. I dnt understand why they are not telling you & dragging their heels.

You & I seem to be exactly the same. I understand and relate to all you said in your post even with my ds I’m only half with him other half I’m thinking of my baby girl. It is so head vs heart but we are emotional
creatures and its hard listening to wise old head over heart.

Oh my lovlies,

Reading through your posts makes me want to hug both of you @Monkhouse2022 and @Vie8126.

We've been through so much and life is still throwing logs under our feet. It's never easier.

@Vie8126 chase that midwife, don't leave it this way. You deserve to know just to even be able to close this chapter. Otherwise it'll haunt you.

How's new work?
And how are you feeling about your new reality?

@Monkhouse2022 how was the scan? Any news?
How are you feeling?

I've been thinking about you whole day...
Hoping for the best.

As for myself, I started nesting.
I clean, rearrange, declutter...
I had the same urge in the previous pregnancy.

Tbh, I don't want time to pass.
I'm too exhausted for Christmas...
All the preparations and shopping make me feel overwhelmed.
Still haven't bought toys and goodies for kiddos!

I fear January the most.
It's the month when I'll hit 18 weeks...

I just pray to stay pregnant...
Carry this baby to term.
Everyday...
Without a break...

I'm so frightened I'll have to face another burial.
Yesterday I had a vision that I was burying this baby in my son's grave and standing there crying...

I'm telling you, it's so so hard for me...

@MomLostInTheClouds Bless you, I would be like you highly anxious and thinking the worst. One of the reasons making me think can I go through this mental torture again & God forbid I fell pregnant and lost baby again. I would wipe myself off this planet seriously. I could not bear another devastation.
You will have to take each day as it comes not look at the weeks ahead.

@MomLostInTheClouds @Vie8126 Went for scan. Think your prayers helping. Strangely a follicle has now appeared on the left, the one which had vanished & now the dominant follicle on right so will be monitoring the growth so scan again on Wed & Fri. Please please pray for me ladies. I pray @MomLostInTheClouds you have a healthy baby in 2023.
@Vie8126 lets see what 2023 brings for us. If no baby for me will start a renovation project in the house to keep me distracted. Not sure if possible though.

@Monkhouse2022 thank god! Naughty naughty follicle! 😉

I see it all going in the right direction...as for today.

2023 will be our 🌈 rainbow baby year...
I feel it...!😋

@Vie8126 I hope you understood the assignment 😅and have already messed around lol...d'you know what I mean?

Hey ladies! How are you both?

@MomLostInTheClouds how are you feeling how’s the sickness how’s the resting?

@Monkhouse2022 how did your scan today go any more news on your naughty follicle?

I start my new job on Monday, this week is busy with settling ds into nursery. AF due next week seems to be my cycle now that I get intense cramps a week before as I had this last month also. Was at peak on Monday. I’ll be so shattered next week I won’t have time to think about it. Work and commuting after all this time at home will be tough never mind the added stress of getting everyone out the house and to the right place on time and the later evenings we will be having. AF is meant to signal time to sort contraception but I know that that will it life is set.