Trying to cope with late miscarriage at 18 weeks😪

[MomLostInTheClouds]

Hallo there,

I've been here for a while and read hundreds of similar stories like mine...
It helped me not to feel so alienated with my loss (never knew there's such a thing like late miscarriage!), but still - it hasn't soothed my pain.

I literally can't understand what had happened (it's raw, just 2.5 weeks ago, with burial on last Friday and follow up appointment with the consultant still to be scheduled after my bloods and placenta results come back; we didn't opt for PM).

I'm 39, have 2 healthy boys (thank God, they keep me sane!) and generally healthy. Before getting pregnant I had my bloods done too and everything (but low vitamin D which I supplemented) was fine. I used to be treated for hypothyroidism, but my TSH and whole thyroid profile came good too. I also lost some weight before (I have always been big, but managed to stay fit and did my zumba workouts religiously).

Got green light to get pregnant and couldn't believe it happened so fast. In a month we saw 2 lines! I was over the moon imagining a little dumpling joining our family, reorganised the rooms up to have space for nursery and dreamt of a newborn's smell...

Everything was like in the 2 previous pregnancies: intensive morning sickness up to 13th week, food aversions, fatigue, etc. The only thing different was yellowish discharge, but since I had no itching, burning or any other symptoms, I was told it is normal.

I was putting on weight, bump was becoming more visible and I could feel his first flutters. What a feeling!

Wednesday, 1st of June (International Children's Day)... things started to get weird.

I woke up very tired and in the night felt pain all over my tummy and found it hard to breathe - like pain in my lungs. Put it down to sleeping too long on the right side and getting bigger. Went to the toilet to find light pink discharge on my panties. Again, a bit puzzled, but when I wiped, there was nothing so again, tried not to worry and spent time with kiddos watching cartoons, playing, eating. Seemingly a normal day of a pregnant tired mommy...

Now I think that it wasn't normal as my gut feeling kept on telling me I haven't really felt baby flutters in a long time (put it down to feeling under the weather and being busy with kids). Then period like cramping started to creep in making me unable to stand. I also felt some pressure in my pelvis which was quite familiar from previous pregnancies, so again, went on with my day. By the evening, I was knackered and went early to sleep even though I wiped a lot of brown discharge during my last toilet visit.

2 am. Sharp abdominal pain and literally labor like contractions coming and going made me jump out of the bed, get dressed and grab my pregnancy file. I ran down to my husband to arrange going to the hospital. Just wanted to visit the toilet thinking it was a sudden bowel movement... but after sitting there for 2-3 minutes, no pushing... a baby and blood popped out of me. I could not believe it. Shaking I looked down and felt the umbilical cord and another gush of blood. Then I just remember my husband calling for ambulance and being rushed to the hospital with a paramedic holding my sleeping bundle of joy.

The reality hit me in the hospital bed. I was struggling to deliver my placenta when my little boy (perfect!) was brought to me in a tiny white basket covered with a crocheted blue blanket, and when they started to take his foot prints and our photos, and handed me a memory box. Holding this memory box and my wee boy on my chest shouted out loud to me that IT IS OVER!

Why?
Why... how?
So fast...?
With few warning signs?
In 1 day?
All over?
All my hopes, dreams...taken away.
Buried.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
WHAT DID I DO?!

Was it because I have a cat?
Did I get toxoplasmosis? (Was cleaning her litter box)
Was it that Mc Donald's meal I had few hours ago?
Or was it the last coffee? (I SHOULDN'T HAVE DRUNK COFFEE!)
Was it my age?
My weight?
Some other infection in the womb?
Placenta?

...

There are days I still feel pregnant.
I still rub my tummy.
I see my baby in front of my eyes and cry everyday.
I see his little coffin.
I see his little clothes (his first clothes for the hospital arrived just the day before! He was supposed to leave the hospital in them...Alive!)
And I don't know when I'll get over it.
Even if I should get over it.
When I laugh, I feel guilty.
But for my kids, I smile and wipe my tears on my sleeves so they don't see me down.
And I feel terrible to be wanting another baby, to even try to ttc again...
If I could, I'd love to be pregnant now...(?!)

Don't know how to cope, really.
The feeling that I should have gone to the hospital just to check, hunts me and produces 'what if' scenarios in my head.

Venting here...
Trying to calm down...while waiting for my results (and maybe some answers; hoping it won't be 'one of these bad luck cases').

Feeling 100kg lighter.

Anyone else going through this?

@Monkhouse2022 Oh love, I'm keeping fingers and toes crossed that it's your month and you caught that naughty naughty egg!😘
Well, I do hope you were 🎶 singing too, though?????

What are you feeling?

I was so sure I'm preggo and I just felt it.

Anything your brain telling you?

@Vie8126 and how are you feeling? Anything after that 1 time? Yes, test, test, test and no 🍹 if you're feeling anything. Sing too 🎶 !

@Lillygolightly how are your kiddos? Hands full? How old are the twins now? My sister-in-law has 2 under 2 and everytime we try to talk, there's feeding, nappy, boo boo, etc.

@Ahopwood and how's today? Are days any easier?

I'm knackered.

With back pain, darn back!
Relaxin and progesterone make my muscles weak and when I was taking the garbage I thought I won't stand up 😜like 70 year old grannie.

Discharge is still there, no bleeding, uffff.
It's like normal discharge now, just tinged with something brown. Again, never had it so just observing it.

I feel 🤮 24/7...
It's this sort of feeling that you hate any smell, any food, and you're hungry, but eating makes you burp and 🤮...
I managed to squeeze fish and chips with salad, but if not Sprite, I'd be 🤮 again!

Yesterday went to GP for my prescriptions and she noticed my twitches down my left eye (I could swear I thought they're invisible!). She also prescribed me calcium saying g I'm deficient.
Well oh well.
Again, high BP and I'm just going to buy myself this BP machine (yeah, that's a sign I'm an old fart).

I feel like I'm stuffing myself with pills in this pregnancy.
Yet, if it helps, ok, if it fails, ...

Just watch Emma Willis delivering babies, One born every minute and horror movies (yeah and then get my twitches oh lol!).

@Lillygolightly My friend is going to London and will try to get me that sickness band!

Hubby is coming back today after 14 days!
I'm excited honestly...he looked sexy when we hand a video call.😝

Ok, ok, I'm quiet now.
You're all busy there and me on this bed rest writing boring stories here.

Take care 😘
Will be glad to hear from you.

@MomLostInTheClouds nothing happening here all quiet regarding dtd. I have a test to use Saturday before we go out for the day. We’re off to London and staying out so no kids woohoo for a whole day and night. Lay ins and room service galore for me. Really need to chill and relax. ahh enjoy having hubs home with you!! Sorry to hear your sickness is really bad it’s just the worse. Don’t suffer too much the gp can give you something if it’s really bad.

@MomLostInTheClouds with bed rest you certainly got time on your hands. Im sure the discharge will subside soon & like @Vie8126 said maybe gp can give you something for sickness.
I’ve been busy dissecting every paragraph in the hospital’s response there are so many loop holes added in with some serious lies. On top of that they had audacity to say that when I had appt to check progress of my stitch it was MY responsibility to have had asked for a scan as its not standard routine. Wtf! Imo had they done a scan my baby’s death may have been prevented, so I guess my fault as Im the professional here (excuse the sarcasm!)
I did experience a small blob of light brown/beige discharge today 10dpo along with vivid dreams since 8dpo but I think its due to stress plus I have been gauging on sugary food - highly unlikely its my month!

Ladies as its nearing my due date and I think about my baby girl I get this feeling of wanting to be physically sick. I wish I was still pregnant with her. I am totally consumed by her loss its affecting my relationship. I say it over & over again if it weren’t for the lack of duty of care & incompetence of the hospital my healthy baby girl would be ALIVE.

Ladies,

Hope you're all doing fine.

I was only waiting for my husband so that he can actually remind me what heartless man he is.
OK, ok, he bought us all gifts and it felt like Christmas (really, all them shoes, bags, jewelry, clothes!), but when I just tried to tell him how hard it was without him, he boldly stated:"Did I come home to listen to this?!"

Like he doesn't care about me, my pregnancy and all I've been through...all alone.

😐

@Vie8126 I'm so jealous you're going to London (I live close😛), and that you'll be alone with hubby, no kiddos, full service and just chill and rest.
I'd love to go for such an adventure!!!
Last time something like this happened was long long long before kids, like almost 13 years ago 😫.

@Monkhouse2022 I'm shocked 😲 to hear about the letter. Honestly I'm glad you're going to take some legal action against them!
How can they even state that you should have asked for a scan?!
How the heck were you supposed to know?!
It's outrageous.
(I've learnt everything about short/incompetent cervix just after my loss and would also never ask for cervical length scan coz I hadn't even known there's something like it at that time!!!)

I understand your anxiety.
If I were in your shoes, I'd feel frustrated and hurt.
It's bloody unfair.

But you know what?
I feel it's just the way they are - careless, unaware and ill-informed.
Few days ago I went to GP to get my Cyclogest prescribed.
Guess what happened?
I heard: "doctor X isn't happy to prescribe it!"
Like wtf?
You have NICE guildines on bleeding and taking progesterone till 16 weeks, you have my 2 letters from Professor Simpson and my consultant that I should be taking it anyway from 12 weeks, and you refuse a lady in her rainbow high-risk pregnancy?!
After reading all my history, NICE guidelines and information on Tommy's webiste I forwarded to them, I finally got my prescription (like after 5h!)

Let's take I haven't been aware, what would happen?
I'll leave the surgery empty-handed and discontinue taking it, and put myself at the risk of miscarriage?

How are we supposed to know all these things and advocate for ourselves, how?!

BTW, I'm also well-aware of the fact that if I hadn't gone private for progesterone, it's pretty possible I'd already have miscarriaged. Thank god I knew, I reacted and got it.

EPU saw me after 4 days and I was already 6 days on progesterone...

So yeah...
I think we really need to gain some knowledge and stand our ground. Otherwise we're fobbed off or offered paracetamol.

😣

Good you're not letting them to go away with that @Monkhouse2022 ...

@Vie8126 hope you have an enjoyable relaxing wknd with your husband.

I am due AF Mon / Tue took early pregnancy test and a very obvious negative :(

@Monkhouse2022 it's still very early!!!!! If you're due on Mon/Tue it's just 9-10dpo, isn't it?
Did you use FRER?
I was negative on it and only showed positive on a Pounland cheapie!!!!!

I'm still full of hope.
Hugging you mama😚

@MomLostInTheClouds I did CB early pt. Today I am 12dpo Af day creeping up, aaargh….. who knows!
what dpo did you show up positive?
pls pray for me
How are you feeling today, still sickness? Although its not the best to have its a good sign your pregnancy going strong.
how many weeks are you now?

@Monkhouse2022 I'm keeping my fingers, toes and my broody cat's paws crossed for you!😘
Here how it was with me:

9dpo tested negative
10dpo negative on FRER, faint line on Poundland cheapie
11dpo more prominent line
12dpo quite a purple line
13dpo very strong
14dpo period missed, prominent purple line

Please, keep in mind that many ladies don't get the BFP until 14-15dpo so wait patiently. Praying 🙏 for you!
And waiting for good news!
Keep us posted.

I'm 7w 3d today.
Still very pukey lol 🤮 !
I mean it's bearable in the morning, but afternoons and evenings are a total nightmare!
I'm trying to enjoy it 😂 and smile knowing there's a wriggling beanie 😜

@Vie8126 you must be in heaven there, huh? Treating yourself 😝to 🍹 and having fun. Ssssoooooo jealous mate lol.

@MomLostInTheClouds I think I’m out again this month, spotting started! I was hoping to have conceived this month in honor of my baby’s due date.

@MomLostInTheClouds oh I am so so upset. Can’t stop crying its never going to happen my golden egg was my baby girl & she would be here in less than 2wks. I feel so let down by the hospital, why didn’t they help me.

@Monkhouse2022 please, don't lose heart.
Hugging you... (())

I had spotting too, it was implantation bleeding, just before period.
Maybe it's this one?

Have you tested today?
*

Love, don't be angry for me saying this, but maybe it's your mindset that's making things a bit more difficult?
Sometimes when we want to conceive so much, it's not happening, but when people go on holidays, relax, stop thinking of it, then it happens.

Can you maybe take some time off? To chill?
Enjoy some time with your hubby only?

BTW, I've recently read an article written by a grieving mother who mentioned that she couldn't conceive until she let go of her grief.

I understand you're hurt, suffering, angry with the hospital, but these feelings won't help...😌

@Monkhouse2022 I don't want to sound like preaching, but just saying what helped me - I completely let go and accepted the loss.

It was very very difficult.
But I processed it all in my head.
I prayed and analysed things.
And then again I prayed to understand.
I don't go back to it.
I take it as something that had happened.

I'm also aware it's a new pregnancy, new baby, new hope.
I don't compare...

I wouldn't have survived a day into this pregnancy if I just didn't learn how to live with my loss (and hold no regrets).

It might be your mind telling you you're not ready.

Sorry, maybe I'm wrong.
But what do you think about it?

@MomLostInTheClouds I do agree with you but very difficult to even ‘park’ my feelings let alone accept what has happened & move on esp with hospital’s response and that I will have to pursue legally with solicitors for medical negligence.
Went for lunch at my husband’s friends house and there were a few other couple there too. Not sure if they knew about my loss but no-one asked me any direct question like what have you been upto etc had they I would have spoke about my loss - just gelt like she never existed apart from me. It was upsetting. Husband carries on like distant memory. Its heartbreaking, feel like im battling this on my own.

@Monkhouse2022 I completely understand and I have no words other than I am sorry but we are here for you. There is nothing I can say to make it better. I am just truly sorry for everything you are going through and feelings. Sending you hugs xxx

@MomLostInTheClouds how are you feeling? How’s the sickness? What’s next in your care plan?

as for me all I could get was an Asda home brand test for sat which was negative. Was still careful ish over the weekend as aware it wasn’t an early test. Going to wait for af now. Was lovely weekend just talking walking enjoying some London sun eating and drinking. It would be the worst timing to get a positive now which sounds terribly selfish but I have a lot going on and new things on the horizon professionally and yeah timing would be terrible. Still no af yet but was due either today or tomorrow. Still no answers from midwife either over 6 months now.

Ladies,

Why this is all so difficult?

We all struggle in our lives.

@Monkhouse2022 with hospital's response and conceiving, @Vie8126 with things happening maybe not in the right time (or maybe timed so well there above) and me...

With this whole pregnancy...
My BP is crazy... 163 over 93, 155 over 97, and of course...how surprising is that I'm refused medication?

Went today to GP with heart palpitations, throbbing in the veins on my neck, BP high af and heard to stay hydrated, walk and wait, and avoid salt.

I'm unwell.
High BP is dangerous for the baby.
But all they can do is see me again on Wednesday...

To add to this, my disc moved when I was putting my shoes in the morning.
The back pain is killing me and I'm stuck in bed s(again!) squeezing my hips with a pregnancy belt.

I'm so scared.
Disappointed with the lack of care and what NHS has on offer for me. I imagined it in a different way...

Angry that I have no help at home.
House is a mess, cooking and basic chores became a struggle.
I'm a mess.

I cried a lot today.
Missed my lost baby so much.
Thought how much time I have with this baby (5 more weeks, 12 more weeks, 15 more weeks?)
I feel my body is struggling...
And with a husband who's questioning why I even got pregnant in the first place it's a bloody hell ...

😥

@MomLostInTheClouds what are they doing with your Bp to bring it down?

Im with you with the house - my house is a mess we’re midway decorating and nothing is actually finished. We’re hosting Xmas and the days are running out. I feel lost I don’t know what I want with life the route I am driving or have been driving is one without another child. Af is here today. I almost thought the timing is so wrong it’s bound to happen and now the realisation that in the last 3 years this is the longest I have not fallen pregnant (in between being pregnant that is) the plan was to give DS the best we can but will another sibling one close in age be better than giving him our all? I don’t know what to do. Likely hormones and because my life is on the cusp of changing and going back into full time work and end of day rushes and no quality time with ds. I don’t know.

@Monkhouse2022 how are you doing?

Morning beauties,

How's your rainy ☔ day going?
Here it's dark, gloomy and raining cats and dogs.

@Vie8126 they do absolutely nothing with my BP... wait and watch, and come again and check tomorrow...big 👏 clap for them!

Super reassuring rainbow 🌈 care!

Yesterday GP suggested that it is all because of my anxiety and my previous loss (?????) and has nothing to do with my physical wellbeing or cardiovascular health, which I refused to accept.

I have absolutely no hope to see a happy ending in this pregnancy...from the beginning it's so tough, stressful...

@Vie8126 I'm sorry to hear about AF.
I wonder if there's ever a good time for a baby lol...😖
It sounds like you're super busy, new doors opening for you so I guess it's all leading you to a different place.

Are you happy about it?
Or is that urge to "complete" the family still there?

Christmas?
Dear god...preparing it, cooking, decorating, shopping...
I can't imagine it!
I just can't!
It's scaring me, but of course I'll do it for kids...
And you're hosting it?
Respect my love...I'm sure it'll be amazing.
I'm happy when I throw the garbage, do the laundry and wash the dishes (my bare minimum which I can't even complete!!!).

In my case I'm not sure about the timing too, but it's all about my body - I feel that it's so old and struggling, and my time to have babies was in my early 30s, not now!😕

@Monkhouse2022 are you any better today?
Any signs of AF?
I'm still thinking of you and hoping you caught that egg.😜

@MomLostInTheClouds @Vie8126 Absolute turmoil AF meant to start full flow by today but I have been spotting to very very light bleeding, dnt know what to make of it…. is it start of peri-menopause? Meant to start my stimulated iui this week, but this off/on spotting is not allowing me to take my meds which I need to start once I have full flow.
Might need to do PT tomorrw morning. Even if it turns out positive think its likely to be mc but taking its time to come out.

@MomLostInTheClouds I feel for you how gp not listening to you. Reminds me how I had to advocate for myself too. Keep at it do all you can to keep your baby safe. Dnt take no for an answer.

@Vie8126 you sound like you are making your peace if pregnancy does not happen - you have lots of positive things happening. At least its shifting your focus.

Did a test NEGATIVE! Stress has seriously messed up my flow this month.

@Monkhouse2022 I am sorry your test was negative is there still a chance? What happens with your meds now?

I wouldn’t say I have made peace I am undecided on what is best. I feel….conflicted.

@MomLostInTheClouds I hope you are keeping calm despite the lack of care. How was your bp yesterday? Oh don’t our house is a mess we missed rubbish day once and now every week our bins are over flowing I have no space for rubbish to go! Rooms half painted half a floor down and not finished half a painted banister a splash of paint on the hallway as a tester which needs finishing it just all feels too much. I feel pathetic worrying about things that don’t matter. I have missed a few days of my meds my period is super heavy so likely the reason for my moods.

Knock, knock?
Anybody here?
@Monkhouse2022 @Vie8126 ?

How are you doing?

@Monkhouse2022 so it's confirmed, negative?
I'm so sorry it wasn't your month...yet!🤗
I know how the negatives feel like.
Have you started preparing for your treatment?
Tell us about it and what it involves.

@Vie8126 messy house, messy soul - it's exactly with me too.
Don't ask how it all looks here...lol and with my older son sick (again!) at home (strep throat!) it's double tough.
Wishing you painting enthusiasm.

Please, keep on writing 😘to me.
*
I'm knackered as can be.
Days are passing by.
Can literally sleep anytime anyplace.

Food undigested, stuck in my stomach for hours..., whole day sickness - these all make my days really shitty.
Yeah week 8 to 12 are usually the worst.
I'm really suffering...and I hope it's not in vain like last time...

Got meds for high BP too.
On Monday, my first appointment in the Rainbow Clinic.

I should be happy, excited.
But I feel so indifferent and it's all sort of unreal.

Ladies I spotted for 4 days but eventually AF showed up yesterday. Clinic has started me on clomid as from today. Day 7 I have scan to monitor follicle growth then scan every 2-3 days.
My mind is all over the place…. I really should have postponed this treatment as I’m not in a good headspace.

@Monkhouse2022 wow wow wow you're doing it! You're doing it!

I'm literally jumping on the bed as I'm sure "there's gonna be a baby, baby, baby!" 🎶 😚
So excited!!!!!

I know hun it's never a good moment, never a good physical condition or emotional state, the finances are never enough or the relationship isn't stable enough, but in the end, it's all worth trying.

You'll gonna thank yourself for that in 5 years!

@Vie8126 any plan for this month?

Ladies, I slept half of the day.
Dreamt of lasagna and spaghetti 🍝.
Craziness.
And I'm obsessed with coconut 🥥 water and Lindt dark chocolate 🍫.

Hubby made me lose my temper. 😑
Came to me in the morning complaining that the bins and caddy are full. I asked him politely to take it out and he didn't even do it!

Super hopless to have no support...

I'm sure that if I survive till 12 weeks, it'll be easier and then I'll clean all that mess.

God!
My 12 week scan is I guess on the 20th of December - just before Christmas 🤶...
And I'm so lazy...
Christmas will be a mess too, disorganised...
My oh my...
I'm usually a super mom, but guys...I'm failing everybody now!

Hello hello hello👋

I'm here to say that I'm so so tired and so sick that my life has become miserable.

It's a sort of fatigue that just puts me in bed automatically for catnaps.

And the sickness 🤮 lasts whole day and I vomit till late night.

My body is really struggling. And it wasn't this tough last time. I guess pregnancy 🤰🏼 after pregnancy is just too much for me.

Yeah...😔

And how are you all doing?